I'm Not An Animal ... Technically

I really thought I had it all planned out. Was rolling along on this blog and was ready to launch into foolproof reasoning why David Wright should have charged Brad Thompson after being brushed back near his head.

But then I started eliminating the reasons in my head. I went in knowing that Wright charging the mound wouldn't provide spark enough to carry the team to the pennant. I knew that it wouldn't improve the perception of the team in other circles (though it couldn't be quite as bad as it is right now.) And I knew that there would be a better than even chance that a brawl involving the Mets would probably send at least six players to the disabled list.

(Seriously, what tortured spirit was unearthed when Jeffy put his shovel to the Shea Stadium parking lot?)

But then I realized, after invoking the "times have changed and we're all too nice" defense, reasoning how Wright should only think after acting (because not having time to think did the trick for Nelson Figueroa), and getting ready to juxtapose this incident with the Prince Fielder/Guillermo Mota incident (Mota ... LOL!) I came to an honest and enlightening conclusion: The only reason I wanted Wright to charge Thompson was to make me feel better. I haven't puffed out my chest about the Mets since Game 6 (no, not that Game 6) All a brawl would have seriously done was put a smile on my face. Not the kind of smile that a 9-0 win while losing two more players to the Balkin & Eisbrouch list gives you. I mean a huge smile.

I was selfish.

I was violent.

I was an animal.

Oh don't get me wrong, I still think Wright should have charged the mound. I sure as hell would have gotten some frustration out of that room, and yeah ... I do think we've gone soft as a sport since Ray Knight went after Tom Niedenfuer, and would like to see some vigilante justice out there. It might have been overboard for Wright to charge, but so what ... some people deserve a beating. And some people who don't deserve a beating should get one anyway.

But I'm not going to hide my personal slant/bias in this. For example, the mere thought of Shane Victorino makes me wish it was me in that batters box instead of Wright (no 'roids needed for my rage). I'm not ashamed to say that rooting for this team gives me violent tendencies. Well, maybe a little ashamed. But while I came to rant about the Mets, I instead had a breakthrough about myself. I need to deal with this in a healthy way and not let it get in the way of how I write.

Aah, screw healthy. Brad Thompson needs a beating. And so does Tony La Russa for making a pitching change in the eighth inning of a 7-0 game on getaway day (take that, genius.) And the kid who saw a guy in a John Franco jersey and said aloud "Yeah, I saw John Franco get a save, like, ten years ago yuk yuk yuk" while being only about 12 years old himself ... yeah, he deserves a beating too. And Yadier Molina deserves a beating for having a Cheshire cat grin on his mascara lined face after he threw out a runner stealing second on Tuesday.

Guillermo Mota deserves a beating too. Because he's had it coming for a while. And while you're at it, look inside your own soul. You could probably use a beating yourself.

There, I feel better. But I guess I really haven't learned anything.

Maybe it was Casper?

It's The Fifth Annual Hall of Hate Vote!

So it's the All-Star Break ... no Mets baseball until Thursday (although, if you're a Met fan, you haven't really seen baseball since May, so what does it matter to you?) But that doesn't mean that baseball can't fill your lives. First, you had Monday night's glorified batting practice/swing destroyer known as the Home Run Derby. And then tonight, you have the All-Star Game from St. Louis.

But in between, why don't you flex your frustration muscles and vote in our fifth annual Hall of Hate Elections.

Here's the standard background material for the uninitiated and those who haven't been here long (which doubles as a form letter since I pretty much cut and pasted this from last season's vote):

Soon after starting this blog, I created a daily hate list...five people, places, or things that put a bee in my bonnet for that particular calendar day. Mostly baseball players, but many times I would go off the board. From there, due to overwhelming positive response, it evolved into a more permanent and lasting "Hall of Hate", of which the original 25 members were chosen by me, here. It was meant to be a list that encompassed the biggest "enemies" in Mets history, the ones who the mere mention of their names makes one want to drink a bottle of ipecac just so you can puke all over your dog.

Not being enough to satiate the appetite of you, the hating fan, I opened balloting up for additional members, and so far you have voted in five candidates (most of them deserving) in 2005, and then to three more in 2006 to join the original 25, along with two more in 2007, and Tom Glavine in 2008. The balloting would usually coincide with whatever vacation time I was taking, but this season I decided to make it my very own All-Star festivity (and you don't even have to pay a couple hundred bucks to get in unlike the Home Run Derby.)

Here's the deal, you get one vote per computer. Amongst the list, you can vote for multiple candidates ... anyone you feel deserve induction (so you can check off as many boxes you want, but you can only click "vote" once). You have until 11:59PM on Thursday, July 23rd to cast your vote. Just as the case last season, only the top vote-getter gains induction into the Hall of Hate, so fill out your ballot with the utmost of care.

Here now are your candidates for the Hall of Hate:

Pete Rose: Picked a fight with a man half his size because his team was getting it's Big Red Tails kicked in during the 1973 NLCS. Received 63 votes in 2008 and was a distant sixth in the voting.

John Thomson: A recent nominee for his recent trashing of Paul Lo Duca as a reason for not signing with the Mets. Also, pitched like a wet dishrag in his prior stint for the Mets in 2002. Thomson dropped 54 votes in 2007 to just 22 last year.

Jimmy Rollins: His debut on the Hall of Hate ballot, basically for bragging about his team ... and then backing it up. Rollins proclaimed his team "the team to beat", and then getting key hit after key hit to knock the Mets out of the playoffs. Rollins' appearance on the ballot is partly hate, but partly a respect thing. Rollins finished in second place last season with 165 votes, just 12 away from the "winner", Tom Glavine.

Brett Myers: Hates the Mets, hits his wife. Myers' appearance on the ballot is not out of respect, but true hate. Myers finished fifth last season with 129 votes.

Jeff Torborg: Managed the 1993 Mets, who exposed him as a managing fraud. (Also managed the 2003 World Champion Marlins, but only during the beginning of that season when they stunk.) Received 55 votes and was eighth in 2007's voting, dropped to tenth with 24 votes last season.

Guillermo Mota: Was on the list in the past for transgressions against Mike Piazza. After shaking off Paul Lo Duca en route to giving up a series-changing double to Scott Spiezio, getting busted for a banned substance, and for basically dubbing 2007 as his own personal year of suck, he remains on the ballot after finishing a strong third in the voting in 2008 with 162 votes.

Mel Rojas: Was traded to the Mets as part of the Turk Wendell deal. The reason it's called the Turk Wendell deal is because Rojas was about as useful as a band-aid on a gunshot wound. Rojas gave up a home run to Paul O'Neill in 1997 that finally landed in 2002. Rojas' greatest transgression was his final act as a Met, which was bringing back Bobby Bonilla in a trade. Rojas finished seventh with 46 votes in '08.

Cole Hamels: Started off by lecturing Paul Lo Duca on how to celebrate home runs after about ten minutes in the league ... but makes the list with his "choke artists" rant over this past winter on WFAN. First time nominee.

Joe Torre: From "Clueless Joe" as a Met, to a hall of famer (and Roger Clemens apologist) as a Yankee. And now gets ready to stick it to the Mets with the help of Manny Ramirez as a Dodger. Dropped from fifth in 2007 with 77 votes to ninth with 33 votes in 2008.

Richie Hebner: Wanted no part of the Mets, and played like it at third base. He set the standard for giving baseball fans the finger during his only season in New York. Hebner has been dropping like a stone in the voting, going from 65 to 34 to 20 votes over the past three seasons. Remains on the list because, well ... he deserves it.

Eddie Murray: The first baseman of the worst team money could buy, the 1993 Mets. Is it really a compliment when you're the leader of misfits? In a weird statistical quirk, Murray has finished in 11th place for three straight seasons.

Tony Fernandez: Was successful at every major league stop he made, except Shea Stadium, where he had maybe three hits in half a season, and blamed gallstones. Tony received 18 votes in 2007 and finished last in the voting, but avoided last place in '08 with 22 votes.

Albert Pujols: Made the ballot in 2007 not-so-subtle digging into Tom Glavine after Game 1 of the NLCS, combined with being on the trainers table receiving "treatment" during the ninth inning of the 2007 All-Star Game, possibly costing the Mets a shot at home field advantage in the '07 World Series. Pujols was 4th in 2007's voting with 104 votes, but dropped all the way to eighth with 39 votes last season.

Shane Victorino: General pain in the ass, has shared Brett Myers' disdain for the Mets in the past while taunting the Mets by standing on home plate after scoring and clapping in the general direction of the Mets dugout ... yet somehow escapes criticism from the national baseball media because he's a "gamer" and because he's not Jose Reyes. Victorino was fourth in 2008 with 156 votes.

And as always, you may write in a vote here in the comments section. If someone gets enough write-in votes, then yes, I'll put him in (unless it's an obvious attempt by a rogue group of Yankee fans that want to experiment and see if they can get somebody like Tom Seaver or Gary Carter on the list just by creating computer systems that will write the same name hundreds of times. So don't even bother, because I hold final veto rights). And in terms of write-ins, if you write in a vote please make it easy for this old man and put the name in bold or something like that. (But please, before you come out with a comment like "Where's Bobby Bonilla" or "What about Chipper Jones", please refer to the original induction list along with the additions via fan balloting below).

Your Hall of Hate members:

Mike Scioscia-Charter Member
Jeff Kent-Charter Member
Robby Alomar-Charter Member
Rey Ordonez-Charter Member
Larry Jones-Charter Member
Bobby Bonilla-Charter Member
Vince Coleman-Charter Member
Ken Griffey Jr.-Charter Member
Roger Clemens-Charter Member
Mike Hampton-Charter Member
Mike Scott-Charter Member
John Tudor-Charter Member
David Wells-Charter Member
Armando Benitez-Charter Member
John Rocker-Charter Member
Donne Wall-Charter Member
Mike Stanton-Charter Member
Mike DeJean-Charter Member
Brian Jordan-Charter Member
Eddie Perez-Charter Member
Pat Burrell-Charter Member
Terry Pendleton-Charter Member
Jose Vizciano-Charter Member
Pedro Guerrero-Charter Member
Juan Gonzalez-Charter Member
Whitey Herzog-Charter Member
Art Howe-Charter Member
Dallas Green-Charter Member
Al Harazin-Charter Member
The 1993 Home Uniforms-Charter Member
Kenny Rogers-Voted in 2005
Derek Jeter-Voted in 2005
Mo Vaughn-Voted in 2005
Joe Randa-Voted in 2005
M. Donald Grant-Voted in 2005
Mike Francesa- Voted in 2006
Jim Duquette- Voted in 2006
Steve Phillips- Voted in 2006
Dick Young- Voted in 2007
Braden Looper- Voted in 2007
Tom Glavine- Voted in 2008

You have the power to decide who joins them. The candidates are already putting their campaigns together:

Conducting a Symphony of Kazoos

So why did Daniel Murphy sit in favor of Fernando Tatis?

"I want to get guys in a rhythm." -Jerry Manuel

He's not a manager, and he's not a gangsta. He's a bandleader now. By choosing to bench Murphy after a good start on Wednesday, he's got us all scratching our heads as to what exactly you have to do to stay in a major league lineup. Yup, it's spring training in July as Snoop continues to force feed Tatis to the world to "get him into a rhythm", as if making sure that Tatis can count in 4/4 time is a component to winning baseball.

Ladies and gentlemen, your manager: Ricky Ricardo.

"Oh Daaaaanieeeeeel, you're on the beeeeeeeench!"

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah."

Babaloo, baby.

It doesn't matter so much in the prism of tonight's game, as with Livan Hernandez's start tonight the 1927 Yankees only would have won 33 games (they won 109). But all the more reason to say: what does it matter? Let's reward our young player for getting himself a couple of hits and stealing a nut from a squirrel with that defensive play. What about getting Daniel Murphy in a rhythm? Or do we only care if Fernando Tatis is in rhythm while Murphy is hid in the back of the band playing the triangle? Doesn't it serve the long term interests of the club to develop Daniel Murphy into a legitimate option at first base and not just as trade bait in some ill advised deal which will set the team back another decade?

Or will playing Fernando Tatis keep those viewers tuned to SNY and keep those ticket sales flowing?

Seriously, how is it that a team that just put their 429th position player on the disabled list today can't find a spot for Daniel Murphy in the starting lineup every day?

But speaking of SNY, there was some good news tonight as for the first time all season (or at least that I saw), I could actually clearly see who was warming up in the visiting bullpen on an SNY's broadcast.

The bad news? It was Guillermo Mota.

Oh well. As tonight was the 40th anniversary of the closest a Met has ever come to a perfect game, why don't you check out what the '69 Mets are doing now, thanks to Sports Illustrated? (Hint: Throwing up while watching Livan Hernandez ... not on the list.)

Speaking of ill-advised trades which set the team back a decade ...

Nieve Colossus

I can't explain the latest Mets signing other than to say that this must be the new inscription outside the new park:

Not like the brazen Giants of Manhattan fame,
With conquering pitchers astride from land to land;
Here at our rusted, Citi Field gates shall stand
A mighty pitcher with a torch, whose flame
Was the imprisoned lightning, and his name:
Bill Pulsipher. From his beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; his mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that Big Bird frame.
"Keep ancient legends, your storied batters!" cries he
With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your failed drafts.
Send these, the journeyman, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Ladies and gentlemen I present to you your tired ... your poor: Fernando Nieve. When translated, "Fernando Nieve" in English means "Aaron Heilman". Don't believe me? He comes described as such:

"Nieve is considered an Aaron Heilman level disappointment, the once top Astros prospect was placed on irrevocable waivers."

So let me see if I got this right. The Mets rid themselves of Aaron Heilman, and get themselves a disappointment on the level of Aaron Heilman. Because really, what are the Mets without a reliever you can boo?

It's like Felix without Oscar.

It's like peanut butter without chocolate.

It's like Ellis Valentine without a helmet bar.

Bret Saberhagen without bleach.

Guillermo Mota without a 2-0 count.

You get the idea. But don't you find it funny that a team like the Marlins cut a guy after a game where he hits a home run, yet the Mets sign a guy who has produced ten years of evidence as to why he's not fit to pitch in the majors to replace a guy who gave up the home run to the guy that was cut?

But Nieve throws hard. Oooh, exciting. I recall Jorge Julio throwing a baseball at high speeds too. The dents in the back of the Shea Stadium bullpen were proof of that. But now we have a new stadium, with new hopes and dreams. And soon, new dents in the outfield wall, courtesy of Fernando Nieve.

I'll be the one lifting my lamp beside the golden door.

He's My Guy All Over Again*

Reunited ...

And it feels so good.

*Mota is a free agent. Perhaps he can sign with Seattle, and Randolph can follow him there too.

There's Only One October In Hell Too

You do realize of course that participating in this season's World Series will be one of the following options:

• The Phillies
• Guillermo Mota
• Jeff Kent

That's like a choice between being doused in battery acid, drinking a full bottle of Drano, or driving cross-country with Jerome from Manhattan riding shotgun.

Gee, all we need is for their opponent in Game 1 to be Scott Kazmir for it to officially be the World Series from Hell.

I'll tell you one person that the World Series most likely will not include, and that's Frankie Rodriguez ... who, after getting battered in Game 2 of the ALDS, is looking more and more like he'll fit right in here in Flushing.

***

"It wasn't dirty," he said, initially unwilling to discuss the play. "If that was the case, I would've just bowled him over ..." -Shane Victorino after Game 3 vs. the Brewers

Yeah, this was much better than bowling him over.

Your Fourth Annual Hall of Hate Vote

Hey, Aaron Heilman's implosion got ya' down? Don't despair because it's that time boys and girls. It's time for Metstradamus to go on vacation, which means it's time for you to take out your frustrations by voting for the next member of the Metstradamus Hall of Hate!

Some background for the unfamiliar (which eerily looks like the exact same thing typed last season ... which is why your blogger needs a vacation: He's burnt out.) Soon after starting this blog, I created a daily hate list...five people, places, or things that put a burr in my saddle for that particular calendar day. Mostly baseball players, but many times I would go off the board. From there, due to overwhelming positive response, it evolved into a more permanent and lasting "Hall of Hate", of which the original 25 members were chosen by me, here. It was meant to be a list that encompassed the biggest "enemies" in Mets history, the ones who the mere mention of their names makes one want to drink a bottle of ipecac just so you can puke all over your dog.

Not being enough to satiate the appetite of you, the hating fan, I opened balloting up for additional members, and so far you have voted in five candidates (most of them deserving) in 2005, and then to three more in 2006 to join the original 25, along with two more in 2007. The balloting would coincide with whatever vacation time I was taking.

Well it's that time once again. Metstradamus leaves you for a much deserved and much needed vacation ... but leaves you with a fun procedure to undertake for the next eight days. You, the people, get to vote on the next members of the Hall of Hate via the poll in the sidebar.

Here's the deal, you get one vote per computer. Amongst the list, you can vote for multiple candidates ... anyone you feel deserve induction (so you can check off as many boxes you want, but you can only click "vote" once). You have until 5:59PM on Sunday, August 10th to cast your vote. Later that night the winner will be announced on New York Baseball Digest with Mike Silva (exciting!) This will be the first year that only the top vote-getter gains induction into the Hall of Hate, so fill out your ballot with the utmost of care.

Here now are your candidates for the Hall of Hate:

Pete Rose: Picked a fight with a man half his size because his team was getting it's Big Red Tails kicked in during the 1973 NLCS. Received 76 votes in 2007 and was sixth in the voting.

John Thomson: A new nominee for his recent trashing of Paul Lo Duca as a reason for not signing with the Mets. Also, pitched like a wet dishrag in his prior stint for the Mets in 2002. Thomson was ninth with 54 votes last year.

Jimmy Rollins: His debut on the Hall of Hate ballot, basically for bragging about his team ... and then backing it up. Rollins proclaimed his team "the team to beat", and then getting key hit after key hit to knock the Mets out of the playoffs. Rollins' appearance on the ballot is a respect thing.

Brett Myers: Hates the Mets, hits his wife. Myers' appearance on the ballot is not out of respect, but true hate.

Jeff Torborg: Managed the 1993 Mets, who exposed him as a managing fraud. (Also managed the 2003 World Champion Marlins, but only during the beginning of that season when they stunk.) Received 55 votes and was eighth in last year's voting.

Guillermo Mota: Was on the list in the past for transgressions against Mike Piazza. After shaking off Paul Lo Duca en route to giving up a series-changing double to Scott Spiezio, getting busted for a banned substance, and for basically dubbing 2007 as his own personal year of suck, he re-appears on the ballot.

Mel Rojas: Was traded to the Mets as part of the Turk Wendell deal. The reason it's called the Turk Wendell deal is because Rojas was about as useful as a band-aid on a gunshot wound. Rojas gave up a home run to Paul O'Neill in 1997 that finally landed in 2002. Rojas' greatest transgression was his final act as a Met, which was bringing back Bobby Bonilla in a trade. Rojas garnered 65 votes and finished seventh in the 2006 balloting.

Joe Torre: From "Clueless Joe" as a Met, to a hall of famer (and Roger Clemens apologist) as a Yankee. And now gets ready to stick it to the Mets with the help of Manny Ramirez as a Dodger. Was fifth in 2007 with 77 votes.

Richie Hebner: Wanted no part of the Mets, and played like it at third base. If I'm correct, he set the standard for giving baseball fans the finger. Received 34 votes in 2007 and was tenth in the voting (down from 65 votes in '06).

Eddie Murray: The first baseman of the worst team money could buy, the 1993 Mets. Is it really a compliment when you're the leader of misfits? Eddie was 11th in last year's voting with 29 votes (after being 11th the previous year with 30 votes).

Tony Fernandez: Was successful at every major league stop he made, except Shea Stadium, where he had maybe three hits in half a season, and blamed gallstones. Tony received 18 votes in 2007 and finished last in the voting.

Albert Pujols: Made the ballot last year not-so-subtle digging into Tom Glavine after Game 1 of the NLCS, combined with being on the trainers table receiving "treatment" during the ninth inning of the 2007 All-Star Game, possibly costing the Mets a shot at home field advantage in the '07 World Series. Pujols was 4th in last year's voting with 104 votes. And speaking of Glavine:

Tom Glavine: Had a decent Mets career before derailing during the last three weeks, and certainly the last day ... compounded by his "disappointing not devastating" comment afterwards. But let's not forget his start as a Met, a 4,397-2 loss to the Cubs on Opening Day of 2003 ... a day so cold and so dreary that I, of all people, left in the sixth inning. I personally wouldn't vote for Glavine but there's enough of you that still hold a grudge that he needs to be on the list. I don't blame you.

Shane Victorino: General pain in the ass, has shared Brett Myers' disdain for the Mets in the past while taunting the Mets by standing on home plate after scoring and clapping in the general direction of the Mets dugout ... yet somehow escapes criticism from the national baseball media because he's a "gamer" and because he's not Jose Reyes.

And as always, you may write in a vote here in the comments section. If someone gets enough write-in votes, then yes, I'll put him in (unless it's an obvious attempt by a rogue group of Yankee fans that want to experiment and see if they can get somebody like Tom Seaver or Gary Carter on the list just by creating computer systems that will write the same name hundreds of times. So don't even bother). And in terms of write-ins, if you write in a vote please make it easy for this old man and put the name in bold or something like that. (But please, before you come out with a comment like "Where's Bobby Bonilla" or "What about Chipper Jones", please refer to the original induction list along with the additions via fan balloting below).

Your Hall of Hate members:

Mike Scioscia-Charter Member
Jeff Kent-Charter Member
Robby Alomar-Charter Member
Rey Ordonez-Charter Member
Larry Jones-Charter Member
Bobby Bonilla-Charter Member
Vince Coleman-Charter Member
Ken Griffey Jr.-Charter Member
Roger Clemens-Charter Member
Mike Hampton-Charter Member
Mike Scott-Charter Member
John Tudor-Charter Member
David Wells-Charter Member
Armando Benitez-Charter Member
John Rocker-Charter Member
Donne Wall-Charter Member
Mike Stanton-Charter Member
Mike DeJean-Charter Member
Brian Jordan-Charter Member
Eddie Perez-Charter Member
Pat Burrell-Charter Member
Terry Pendleton-Charter Member
Jose Vizciano-Charter Member
Pedro Guerrero-Charter Member
Juan Gonzalez-Charter Member
Whitey Herzog-Charter Member
Art Howe-Charter Member
Dallas Green-Charter Member
Al Harazin-Charter Member
The 1993 Home Uniforms-Charter Member
Kenny Rogers-Voted in 2005
Derek Jeter-Voted in 2005
Mo Vaughn-Voted in 2005
Joe Randa-Voted in 2005
M. Donald Grant-Voted in 2005
Mike Francesa- Voted in 2006
Jim Duquette- Voted in 2006
Steve Phillips- Voted in 2006
Dick Young- Voted in 2007
Braden Looper- Voted in 2007

You have the power to decide who joins them. Remember, your vote counts. And back to remind you for this recruiting campaign:

Killer Fish

Yeah, this fish is ugly ... ain't it? Kinda like last night's game, with those fish.

Well good morning to you too. Now that you're awake ...

I didn't have a real good feeling going into that eighth inning ... as sloppy a defensive team as the Marlins are, they do have a habit of pulling through in late innings. I didn't expect the eighth inning to be quite as ugly as it was ... but that's what happens when Scott Schoeneweis comes into the game and faces more righties than expected. Three of 'em got hits. The other one was Hanley Ramirez. That's still no way to convince the brass you shouldn't be traded for Marcus Thames.

(But seriously, don't trade Scott Schoeneweis for Marcus Thames.)

But really, you could see this coming when John Maine was taken out of the game in the fifth with "shoulder stiffness", in what was at the time the strangest injury ever ... with Maine telling Jerry Manuel he was fine during John Baker's at bat, and then giving up a dinger to Baker on the next pitch, and then being lifted after the next hitter. Maine was pissed. He had that "Mike Piazza going after Guillermo Mota" look in his eye. But he finally did admit he was hurting. It's either not a good sign ... or it's an explanation of his latest struggles. In any event, that makes two injury riddled starters out of five. Which means those hoping or expecting the Mets to use their latest run as a springboard towards an easy pennant race should probably temper their expectation a wee bit.

Fitness Protection Program

Rumor has it that after Sunday's 9-7 Brewer victory over the Mets, Gabe Kapler, a one-time fitness magazine cover boy and a minor league manager at this time last year, snuck into the Citi Field construction site and buried one of his pectoral muscles underneath one of the concrete pillars, further cursing the Mets beyond what he did today, which was homer, double twice, and knock home three runs.

As if the Mets need any more curses, between scoring six runs off of Jeff Suppan when they could have used those runs the last time Suppan faced Oliver Perez in Shea Stadium ... and still not being able to take advantage of it.

Speaking of Perez, how is Willie Randolph feeling right now? He blasted Perez for throwing five and two thirds shutout innings after his last start, so I have a feeling that right about now Perez is being sent to bed without dinner and playtime, and has lost his internet privileges for a week. In fairness, as ridiculous as it sounds to blast Ollie for throwing shutout ball (and it is), Perez is past the point where we give him a cookie and a pat on the back for not walking 79 batters (he had three today), no matter what else he did. Perez is past the point of being a reclamation project ... he's a viable major league pitcher now. So blowing a 6-2 lead and getting hit hard is no longer acceptable.

"Bad Ollie ... bad! Go to your room!"

Maybe Willie Randolph will bury Ollie Perez's toys underneath Citi Field's bullpen, just to teach him a lesson.

And then there were those pesky five double plays in a row, including the last one in the eighth when a certain fan favorite was on the mound struggling and refused to throw the ball over the plate, including the ball that Carlos Delgado popped up with two outs and the bases loaded, prompting Guillermo Mota to pump his fist as if it was, oh I don't know ... Game Two of the NLCS?

Perhaps Mota can bury his leftover HGH underneath the Citi Field mound. That oughta seal the Mets fate for decades to come.

Parallel Shoes

The way that New York Rangers defenseman Marek Malik has been booed out of the Garden this season, the prevailing thought in my head lately has been that Malik has become Guillermo Mota on skates.

With Endy Chavez's new two-year contract secured, a similar link has made itself evident: Chavez is Sean Avery in cleats.

You may say that Sean Avery has never had a catch like Endy Chavez had. Others may say that Endy Chavez has never had a catch like Sean Avery had. The similarities don't end there. The Rangers were 21-6-6 after acquiring the sandpaper game of Avery, and were 12-5-1 with Avery in the lineup before he was injured around the start of 2008. The Mets, meanwhile, were 45-26 in '07 with Chavez in the game at some point. Without? 43-48. Both do the little things that help their team win, yet both have battled injuries lately that have limited their effectiveness.

But just as the Rangers are a different team without Avery in the lineup, it was painfully obvious that the Mets were a different team without the late inning defensive heroics, the basepath speed, and the occasional 3-for-4 of Endy Chavez. So even though Chavez has received a deal with as many years as injured hamstrings, I'm sure you'll agree that Endy Chavez in the fold is necessary, even at the risk of having to deal with chronically debilitated hamstrings which possibly (maybe even realistically) could mean that Chavez may never be quite the same player again.

Now if we can get Endy to do some push-ups at home plate after hitting a home run, then the similarities would be creepy. Though I sincerely doubt that Endy Chavez will ever be the most hated man in baseball as Avery is in his sport. Besides, the Mets are already the most hated team in baseball ... but that's just in Hanley Ramirez's house.

The Hex Revealed

Yesterday was a cold, crisp, lazy day with nothing to do except continue to wonder how the Mets could have blown a seven game lead with seventeen games to play.

I tried to forget about it by watching that Kevin Costner movie: JFK, but instead I was more obsessed with conspiracy theories and what not, that frantically after watching the movie, I pored through old game tapes to look for something ... anything ... that could explain what happened. Swing hitches, flawed deliveries, boxes in the dugout marked HGH ... hours and hours of nothing.

Then finally, I stumbled upon something that shed some new light. But I couldn't have seen what I thought I saw, did I? Over, and over, and over again I re-racked the tape, and it was there every time. I still can't believe it, and you're not going to either. Ready? Look below:

Jessica Simpson! I knew it!

It makes perfect sense when placed upon the backdrop of what happened to Tony Romo last week. But wanting to make sure it wasn't a one time thing, I had the crack staff go through the archives, and you're not going to believe what they found:

Holy jumpin' ... I was at that game!

I know, I was skeptical too. But I haven't even gotten to the most damning evidence yet! Check this out, before she was Tony Romo's jinx, she ruined another career:

Steroids? No ... turns out it was Jessica all along. (Rumor has it she was seen at the Mets clubhouse store last July ordering a "SANCHEZ 50" jersey.)



That's right, the last game. There she was. How else could a future hall-of-famer give up seven runs in a third of an inning?

I guess it all started with that Sports Illustrated cover:

Oh, and that Yadier Molina home run? Turns out Aaron Heilman was a touch distracted.

No, I don't know how she got in front of the fence either ... nor do I know how she got that whipped cream past Shea's tight security. It must be part of her evil plan.

(Editor's Disclaimer: The preceding post is a commentary on the ridiculousness of the media's insane amount of coverage of Terrell Owens' off-handed comments regarding Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo. Any implication of Jessica Simpson as this planet's bad luck charm is unintended by the author.)

Good Day Sunshine

"I have started to notice a pretty distinctive pattern in this world. If you are negative, it will breed more negativity around you, and then that negativity comes back. It bounces back at you eventually, over time, and you are the one who is effected. The same is also true with being positive by the way. If you try to remain positive in your life, and work, it comes back to you. It’s pretty simple. Negative people hang with negative people. Positive people, hang with positivity. And negative people more often than not, tend to be counterproductive." -Tom Green

In this space would normally be more whining about how the Mets are once again losing their chances of grabbing an ace, with Dan Haren going to the Diamondbacks. (Six prospects? How do you kids say it ... OMG? WTF?)

But it's come to my attention that I've been too negative. A buzzkill. A Negative Nancy, if you will. With this in mind, I'm going to be positive. Here's what's right in the Mets' world:

• The Mets still have David Wright, last I checked.
• No player has been involved in a late night accident in a taxi cab in the last year.
• Raul Casanova is not only a Met, but he's younger than Sandy Alomar Jr.
• Lastings Milledge has zero career walk-off hits against the Mets.
• Citi Field is ahead of schedule, and will have a Fish Shack in 2010.
• Ryan Church hasn't released a rap album.
• Guillermo Mota is no longer employed in Flushing.
• Scott Kazmir hasn't pitched a no-hitter yet.
• Jose Reyes is still pretty fast.
• There's no truth to the rumor that John Maine left the team holiday party rubbing his shoulder muttering "boy, that feels weird."
• Steven Register has not shown up on the Mitchell Report.

See, the sun shines.

***

Speaking of the Mitchell Report: Now that it has come out, and it's two guys known the world over as Yankees that are taking the brunt of the bad press, isn't it about time for Wallace Matthews to write something for the express purpose of riling up the Mets fans? I can read it now:

Yeah, Mets fans. Laugh it up. Laugh it up now that your greatest enemy has been fingered in the Mitchell Report as the biggest name mentioned. But just remember: A Mets clubhouse guy started all this. And my sources tell me that he invented steroids. That's right Met fans, a Met invented Deca-Durabolin, among other performance enhancers. Don't blame the gritty, gutty Roger Clemens for taking steroids during the season where his team beat you. Blame your team for not beating the all-mighty Yankees who, despite a payroll of a billion dollars, still scrap for everything they get. While your team is a bunch of steroid inventing monsters. It just means the Yankees were smart enough to take steroids and get that gritty, gutty edge that they need, because that's what champions do. If Mike Piazza was on the juice, maybe he would have been quick enough to have gotten out of the way of that beanball. Now it's time for all you Met fans to accept Andy Pettitte as your savior and repent once and for all.

Have I beaten Newsday's all-time record for angry comments yet?

(Editor's note: Here's what Wally actually wrote).

***

Mike Stanton, according to the report, bought HGH in 2003 while he was with the Mets ... and still went 2-7. He probably sprinkled the HGH on his cupcakes thinking they were chocolate chips.

Maybe Mike Stanton owes Met fans an apology?

Whoop De Do

For those hoping that there would be howls of fury from Colorado for losing Steven Register to the Mets in the Rule V draft, similar to the howls of fury originating from the Nationals heist of Jesus Flores in last year's Rule V draft, and that this year the Mets would be the fleecers and not the fleece-ees, here's the take on Register from "Up In The Rockies":

"The other news of the day is that the Mets picked up Tulsa Drillers closer Steven Register in the Rule 5 draft. Whoop-de-doo. Register had potential, but he wasn't the Rockies’ top prospect by any stretch. Evidently the Rockies weren't planning to use him in 2008, so we’ll see if he can stick with the Mets."

Okay then, there go those hopes. So the winter meetings bore the fruit of a guy who inspires the mantra of "Whoop de do." Great.

So this is our winter meetings haul: Steven Register...who's not Johan Santana.

But on the bright side, he's not Guillermo Mota either.

***

There is a report that Andy Freed will come to the Mets from the Devil Rays to replace Tom McCarthy as Mets radio announcer. This, as you know, would complete the Scott Kazmir trade.

Lipstick On A Reliever

I'm going to start to call Omar Minaya the Avon Lady.

Think about it, only the Avon Lady could find enough lipstick in the world to make the proverbial pig known as Guillermo Mota look attractive to somebody. I don't know how Omar did it, but he turned Mota into not only a serviceable ballplayer, but a starting catcher!

Minaya flipped Mota into Johnny Estrada, who's very similar to Paul Lo Duca in that he has the ability to be a .300 hitter from the catching position. Of course, the one National Leaguer who had a lower percentage throwing out runners than Lo Duca and even Yorvit Torrealba: you guessed it, Estrada. But I look at it this way, Estrada's weak arm is going to give away one base at a time, while Mota's weak arm gave away four bases on a single throw, and he can't hit. Besides, you wanted Johnny Bench in return for Mota? Be lucky that Minaya was able to get Johnny Estrada and not Erik Estrada...or Larry Wilcox.

Or a tree limb eaten by termites from the inside out.

And that brings up a question that I hope is answered at some point for my own amusement: Who, in the meeting behind closed doors at Miller Park or whatever Florida or Arizona resort that major league executives meet, stood up and said that Guillermo Mota was adequate compensation for Johnny Estrada? Who looked those numbers over and said "yeah, this is a good idea"?

Bobcat Goldthwait once said that when he got a 5 out of 100 on his aptitude test in school, he found the guys who scored 1-4 so they can hang out...he of course, was the smart one. I don't know where Omar would rank in an aptitude challenge against the other GM's in the league, but he obviously found one that ranks lower than him and fleeced him on this deal. I'm willing to vote Minaya "Exec of the Year" on that feat alone.

(I mean seriously, this deal is tantamount to trading Iron Mike Sharpe for the Bushwhackers...a jobber for a draw? I'm still laughing my butt off over this one.)

It sure as heck allayed the fears I had during the weekend, as we were driving to South Jersey to gamble our lives away. Here I am, in the back seat watching the raindrops race across the back window and meeting up with other raindrops, thinking of some David Eckstein jokes to unleash after the Mets make that inevitable signing, and dreading the announcement of Jimmy Rollins as N.L. MVP.

Bad omens popped up everywhere on that last one...Comcast Philly took extra care to wait until I was in their broadcast area to re-air the 11-10 game which was the Phillies' crown jewel amongst the rubble that was the Mets' '07 season (no, I didn't watch.) Then, as I rifled through a memorabilia store because your blogger, while smart enough to come up with a funny every once in a while was dumb enough not to pack t-shirts, I found the second bad omen: a shirt that read "THE TEAM TO BEAT -January 2007" with a picture of J-Roll on it (no, I didn't buy it.) And sure enough, Rollins wound up winning the award on Tuesday. Could anybody in New York argue with that one? I'm certainly not going to. Rollins should send a fruit basket to the Mets for their collapse which helped create the beasts that are Rollins "team to beat" t-shirts, re-airings of 11-10 games, and an MVP award to boot because the Mets couldn't hold 5-0 leads against the Nationals.

I guess now would be a perfect time to once again thank our Mets for letting Zuul out of the refrigerator.

But at least the Mets didn't compound those mistakes by enlisting a dwarf to take on the ghost like creature from the original Ghostbusters. Say what you want about giving a 32-year-old second baseman with bad knees $25 million to play second base for four years. But it sure as heck is better than giving a 33-year-old shortstop who's injury prone his own self $36 million to play second base for four years. Eckstein comes with those extra special buzz words like "gritty" and "gutty". But guess what: Castillo gave you all of that and more down the stretch in '07 with bad knees and a bad hip, so why the Mets even thought about Eckstein is beyond me. Perhaps it was a ploy to bring Castillo's price down, but with the Astros also hot on Luis' trail, that strategy could have easily backfired. So the Mets actually succeeded despite themselves on that one.

(I guess that's kinda like the Estrada robbery, which would have never happened had it not been for Torrealba's bum shoulder. So Omar should give a kiss to his lucky garden gnome or whatever talisman he uses to align the stars.)

But now comes the hardest trick of all for Minaya. Because while getting a starting catcher for a guy who goes to a place where he can now wash down his HGH with the smooth flavor of Old Milwaukee is nice, the Mets are still in pursuit of that elusive ace, almost a full season after they missed out on Barry Zito. The chips are still there, and if anybody who knows more about Fernando Martinez than I do can convince me that he's worth keeping, I'm all ears. But if Mike Pelfrey and Phil Humber taught me anything, it's that sometimes it's better to turn your chips into major league talent before those chips depreciate in value. The trick is to recognize the very peak in their value and make the move at the right time. The way the Mets need an ace, there may be no better time than right now.

(Especially with two first round draft picks this June...imagine that! And for that I give thanks in recognition of the upcoming holiday to Tom Glavine for doing something right by the Mets for the first time since August, which was exacerbating the inevitable and signing with the Braves so early. Maybe his Met past wasn't so wonderful. Actually, his most recent past kinda stunk. But he might have helped fund the future with that pre-December signing...that is if the Mets don't screw up the 18th pick by selecting Steve Chilcott again.)

***

Whether you're putting lipstick on your pig before you take it out of the oven, or you are celebrating the shipment of a very tall turkey to Wisconsin, here's hoping you enjoy your Thanksgiving tomorrow. May your turkeys have more juice than your relief pitchers.

The Crux Of What Grinds My Gears

Because sometimes it takes days of reflection, lots of miniature hot dogs wrapped in blankets, and an inability to let go of the past that takes me to the very Gamma and Alpha of what really makes me upset about this whole Paul Lo Duca thing.

Dan Marino.

Oh, I guess I have to explain that (I keep forgetting that nobody has brainwaves as warped as mine.)

I'll never forget being speechless that day in 1994 when the New York Jets blew a 24-6 lead in the fourth quarter against the Miami Dolphins...a game that culminated in the two words that still sends shivers down my spine: fake spike.

Two weeks later, the Jets played the Lions in a game that seemed like a funeral procession. It was one of those typical Barry Sanders games where every time he carried the ball the Jets would stop him in the backfield...except of course for those one or two carries Sanders would go for gains of anywhere between 70-90 yards. The Jets couldn't get a damn thing going on offense and lost 18-6. It was the first day that I ever remember hearing the term "back up the truck", as in "BACK UP THE TRUCK, GET RID OF ALL OF 'EM! THIS TEAM IS GARBAGE!!!"

Yes, that team was garbage, as they went from 6-5 to 6-10 before you can say "Pete Carroll".

Back then, 1994 at the Meadowlands counted as a collapse of epic proportions, and "back up the truck" never seemed so apropos of something. The thing that Jets team needed mentally was for the losing attitude to be washed out. The roster was good, but it was old. Some players needed to go if for no other reason than the fact that the last thing the team needed was for too many players hanging around who were still shell shocked from losing the last five games of the season. If that meant that some babies had to go with the bathwater, so be it.

And that's what the Jets tried to do going into 1995, as they got rid of their head coach (Carroll), and solid core players like their leading receiver (Rob Moore), a Hall of Fame safety (Ronnie Lott), a Hall of Fame wideout (or at least Art Monk should be in the Hall, the one bright spot in that Lions game was seeing Monk break the all-time record for consecutive games with a catch), and a Pro-Bowl calibre cornerback (James Hasty, who's in the above photo as a spectator to disaster).

(Of course, they replaced Carroll with Rich Kotite and won four games over the next two seasons, but that's neither here nor there. The idea of roster turnover was a sound one back then, and maybe they didn't get rid of enough players.)

Fast forward to November of 2007, soon after the Mets made five straight losses in 1994 seem less like a collapse and more like a mere life lesson. If there's ever a need for some roster turnover where some babies go out with the bathwater, it's the current New York Mets. Instead it looks more and more like the Mets, whether it be out of the lack of options that are out there, or the thinking that the '07 Mets are less shell shocked and more determined and motivated by their collapse, have decided to go into '08 with basically the same team that fell apart in '07, keeping guys like Moises Alou and Damion Easley...and at least making an effort to re-sign Luis Castillo before their recurring, inexplicable fascination with converting shortstops into second basemen has taken hold yet again.

(Will this franchise ever learn? I mean really, David Eckstein's the best they can do? But that's another entry for another time, my friends.)

Of course the one guy who unequivocally, according to Mets brass at least, cannot come back under any circumstances, is Paul Lo Duca. If you believe what Jon Heyman said on Friday, the Mets blame Lo Duca for calling the wrong pitches in 2006 (I guess that includes the one that Guillermo Mota shook off before Scott Spiezio sent it to the top of the wall in Game 2 of the Cardinals series, right?) And the fact that they ignored Lo Duca this winter as if he had a communicable disease (you can make your own joke about the Long Island bar scene if you wish, I'll refrain) tells me that the Mets blame Lo Duca for Scott Spiezio, for the entire 2006 playoffs, for the collapse this past September, for Jose Reyes' slump, for the Scott Kazmir trade, for Jimmy Rollins' proclamation, for Rickey Henderson, for the lines at Shea Stadium's bathrooms, for traffic on I-80, for Michigan losing to Appalachian State, and for Bobby Thomson's home run in 1951.

I have to say, in all of the dissecting and re-dissecting
I've seen and made on September's collapse, well down on the list...if it's even on the list...is Paul Lo Duca's pitch calling. But that is the scapegoat that the Mets are selling us. I ask you, with all of the other deficiencies facing the Mets, is that fair? Because so far, that's what the Mets are telling us...they're telling us that everyone else on the Mets wants to win next season except Paul Lo Duca.

Perhaps I'm overreacting. I admit I'm not the most level headed guy in the room even when I'm in a room by myself. And I'm fully aware that there could be some major changes for the better between now and the winter caravan, although Omar Minaya is going to have to be a special kind of creative to do it now that Yorvit Torrealba is apparently going to try to bat higher than the Manhattan area code somewhere else. But I can't help thinking that because we're not seeing the wholesale cleansing as we did with the Jets in 1994, one man is taking the blame for three weeks of bad baseball...and worse off, it's the wrong man.

See If They Throw Tomatoes At You

I knew that writing this would come back to haunt me:

So go. Enjoy your offseason. But lord help you if I see a picture of any of you in the act of actually enjoying your offseason. Lord help you if I see you in any stupid photo layouts for fashion magazines, or eating fancy steak dinners with your agents. The only thing I want to see you eating is the humble pie that you've forced all of us to eat as local and national media will continue to ridicule the Met fans you leave behind.

I knew it would haunt me because of the conflict it would cause in the depths of my feeble and stupid brain if David Wright was the one that showed his face in public after "The Collapse." Because what am I going to say? Stop going to Rutgers games like the one against South Florida and smile on camera and start taking some extra BP?

Stop going on television shows like "The Daily Show" (which I missed) and "The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch" (which I caught), and read up on the rule book which reminds us of what a force play is? (P.S. A FORCE PLAY is a play in which a runner legally loses his right to occupy a base by reason of the batter becoming a runner.)

Now, if we're talking Aaron Heilman, or Guillermo Mota, or perhaps Billy Wagner smiling goofily on the sidelines of some college football game, then it would rile me up. But when David Wright talks to Donny Deutsch and tells him that he has nightmares stemming from "The Collapse", I have to put my own emotions on the shelf. Besides, after all of the Yankee rigmarole that the nation has endured over the past month, somebody has to emerge among the rubble, remind people that operations are ongoing, and take the temperature of the community...to see if it's safe enough to emerge if you're say, Tom Glavine.

TG: Can I come out now?

DW: Umm, I wouldn't. Can I bring back anything though?

TG: Well if you see any Hot Pockets or Pizza Rolls...the combo kind?

Let's just say that it'll be a long time before Tom Glavine is invited back to any Mets reunions. But David Wright is one of the few people who can emerge safely. He's like the guy in that commercial who is able to throw a cactus at his co-workers because he's the guy everyone likes.

Why does everyone like him? Lots of reasons. One of them is the fact that he has a foundation. It's called "The David Wright Foundation" (I never would have figured that one out), and it helps kids. And if you want to help kids, you'll go to the Hard Rock Cafe in Times Square on November 15th and attend the third annual "Do the Wright Thing" Gala with David and Benji and Joel Madden of Good Charlotte. They tell you to: "Dress to Impress, Rock and Roll Attire is Best". So dress like Elvis. Or Marilyn Manson. Or a Blues Brother. Or maybe you could dress in one of those wacky outfits that Elton John would wear in concert.

On second thought, screw Elton John. He's a Braves fan.

To Your Health

You ever watch a Met game at Shea and wonder aloud: "what have you been drinking?"

Once a night, you say?

Then you'll be interested in this tale about a former Met, from a book excerpt via the fine folks at FanHouse:

Interestingly, another Padre, center fielder Mike Cameron, had a more intimate experience with game-day tipsiness:

"Sh-t, I've played drunk.

"When?"New York City.

"What were the circumstances?

"I went four for four with two jacks and eight ribbies. I'm not saying that's the only day I played drunk, but that was the best one."

So how long before we find out about all of the substances the 2007 Mets were on during the last three weeks of the season? Greenies? Doobies? Frosted Mini-Wheats? When? When will we know?

And if they weren't on anything, don't you think they should have been?

Pass the courvoisier.

***

Hey, the Mets are bringing back Moises Alou and Damion Easley! So much for that whole "let's get younger" thing. Maybe they'll stick around for the 2009 grand opening of our brand new park...which apparently is going to have all the angst of the old park at double the price (if you believe in that whole feng shui stuff.

***

The fine folks at Maxim magazine think that we, as baseball fans, get excited over some pretty dumb things.

Peanut vendors who throw the bag. Every section's got one and, somehow,every section is filled with people who are impressed. Go ahead and whoop it up for the 50-year-old man in the neon shirt whose only skill is throwing bags of snacks accurately, but we choose to pity him.

Actually, we whoop it up for him because we're secretly hoping that the Mets will sign the guy in the neon shirt to replace Guillermo Mota in the bullpen. Look, Ed Glynn was a hot dog vendor before he reached the majors. And when he got to the majors, he...well, he wasn't that great, but that's probably because it's hard to throw hot dogs accurately (especially with all that ketchup on it).

But I'll take the 54-year-old Glynn over Mota, any day of the week. And that, my friends, is why we cheer the peanut vendor.

Dreamin'

It was fun watching a game where somebody else made all the errors, wasn't it?

Well, maybe it wasn't so much fun, but Pedro Martinez got it done, especially in the third inning when he had the bases loaded and one out and somehow escaped. It really was an important game in that respect. If the Marlins had beaten the Mets with their spiritual leader on the mound, then who do you turn to? No wonder they conjured up 5 runs in the two innings after that.

Amazingly, none of the Mets runs were earned as Miguel Cabrera refuses to dive, and Mike Jacobs...in his quest for a gold glove...played with a glove made of solid gold. The Mets rode Pedro's gutty performance and Moises Alou's club record 25 game hit streak to a rain shortened 8-4 five inning win over the Marlins, as the skies opened up and poured down on Miami, thankfully ending the game before the Marlins got to the Mets depleted bullpen. Thanks to that rainstorm, the Mets stayed 1 1/2 games ahead of Philadelphia. The only hope now for the Mets is that Carlos Beltran's foray into the wall which forced him out of action isn't going to keep him out that long.

Ironically, after the rain shortened game, a had an unusually vivid dream after I fell asleep about an hour after the game ended with no hope of resuming...it involved Guillermo Mota. I dreamt that the game actually did resume and Willie Randolph had Mota in for two innings. I tried to escape, but that stadium is so big...and every time I found an exit and walked through it, I ended up on the mozzarepa line. But Mota was getting outs! And then Willie actually put Mota in for a second inning, and he got everybody out. It was at that point, I knew I was dreaming because Mota never lasts two innings...and Randolph wouldn't be stupid enough to do that again, right?

But then, in the dream, Fredi Gonzalez was stupid enough to double switch Cabrera out of the game. And Carlos Delgado hit a home run to center field which conked me in the head and then I woke up...or so I thought. I dreamt then that I woke up on the couch in a cold sweat, and it was already the next morning so I flipped open the paper to see the boxscore of the Mets win...and the boxscore said "Schoeneweis (SV, 1)". Panicking, I flipped on the television for highlights, and I saw Willie...and he was mad! He was mad apparently because Carlos Gomez, get this, tried to steal third base with two outs! I mean, now I really knew I was dreaming because he sure as hell wouldn't have done that after Jose Reyes made the same mistake two weeks ago.

And I also know it was a dream because Willie never gets mad, right? So I tried to run out of my apartment, and kept running...and running...and running...until I saw third base in the distance so I rounded it even though Sandy Alomar was giving me the stop sign...and here I come home to try to bowl over Miguel Olivo. Only it wasn't Miguel Olivo...it was Britney Spears! So I ran faster and tried to put her in the third row but she gave me the sweep tag and I flew all the way into the upper deck.

When I landed there...Timo Perez was wearing a World Series ring yelling at me for not running hard all the way from my apartment. And on my other side I saw Shakira dancing with Jimmy Rollins in the aisle. I was briefly distracted by the merry go round they brought on the field where Moises Alou was riding it with Hubie Brooks and Mike Piazza. Mota was then brushed back by a pitch, and then he chased Piazza around the field. And then all of a sudden, I noticed I was wearing a cast on my leg from landing so hard in the upper deck...and Carlos Beltran was wearing a matching cast because he was out for the season!!!

Then I really did wake up. And I wrote this post. Damn, I gotta stop eating jalapenos before going to bed.

A Sledgehammer To The Solar Plexus

How much more are we supposed to take?

A thirty foot roller up the third base line wasn't enough, was it...

An interference call wasn't enough, was it...

An 11-10 loss in the ninth wasn't enough, was it...
A misplayed pop-up by a back-up catcher wasn't enough, was it...

A misplayed fly ball into center field wasn't enough, was it...

Guillermo Mota wasn't enough, was it...

Ten errors in two days wasn't enough, was it...

Yadier Molina, Terry Pendleton, Kevin Elster picking up black cats, Armando Benitez, Mike Scioscia, Tom Seaver for Doug Flynn, firecrackers, bleach, Mel Rojas, Don Aase, Larry Jones, Brian Jordan, Art Howe, Adam Wainwright, Jimmy Qualls...they're not enough, are they...

What else can you do to our hearts, minds, and souls this season?

Maybe as the Mets are headed to Dolphin Stadium tomorrow, Cecil Wiggins can finish the job.

Maybe Wiggins was the one that threw that baseball at Aaron Heilman from the stands (and through all of the horror, Heilman was a major bright spot...not even I could have blamed him if he had spit the bit after being hit by a projectile from the stands...I don't trust him, but I give him a boat load of credit tonight.) Or maybe Wiggins had something to do with Country Time's back spasms, which kept him out of the game and wound up sealing our fate for Thursday night...and maybe our season.

You know what, bring up last year's Tigers all you want. Bring up last year's Cardinals all you want. I can't imagine that either of those teams experienced any loss last year like any loss the Mets have had this year. Either of those teams ever score four runs in the top of the ninth, only to have their "B" list bullpen give it all back in the bottom half of the frame, then lose it in the tenth.

And I doubt that this happened after their first baseman proclaimed their team to be the best in the league.

I doubt either of those teams had a right fielder that hits his second baseman in the nuts with an errant throw, then gets himself tossed, and probably suspended for a few games, because he felt that late in a game that may decided the division was the perfect time to work through his anger issues with Jim Joyce.

And I doubt that Jim Leyland or Tony La Russa responded to any of those losses with:

"We'll get 'em tomorrow."

We'll get 'em tomorrow?

I don't know if there's a right thing to say after a game like that. But "we'll get 'em tomorrow?" Really? That's what your uncle told you after you struck out to end a little league game. This, however, is the major leagues...and that's not what I need to hear. I trust that the speech to the players was a little bit different...at least I hope.

We'll get 'em tomorrow? You know what I'm getting tomorrow? Therapy. I need it...thanks to your team stabbing me in my heart. Again. It's all I can do to keep from jumping off a tall building into jagged concrete...twice.

(Editor's note: If you must blow the lead completely, please make it relatively painless from here on out.)