Lurking In The Weeds

"We’ve been talking to them for a good part of the offseason. I am still just being patient, waiting for the right deal." -Joe Beimel on being courted by the Mets this offseason.

Well this only came a year too late as the Mets have needed a second lefty in the bullpen since Scott Schoeneweis was misused in 2008. But I'll take it. Just make sure Beimel adheres to curfew if he signs.

What Have You Learned? Brian Schneider

What Have You Learned is our very special off-season series that will outline what you've learned, what I've learned, and hopefully what the 2009 Mets have learned about themselves, others, and 2010. Today, we look at Brian Schnieder, and most likely jinx his very existence.

I pretty much knew it was a lost cause when I led off my "Behind the Blow" series by writing about Scott Schoeneweis. There was a part of me hoping that Schoeneweis would make a return trip to Shea in '09 as I wrote that on October 1st of '08. By December 12th, Schoeneweis was gone, for some guy named Connor Robertson.

Now, as I write to you about Brian Schneider, I'm also hoping against hope that Schneider comes back even though you, your family, your friends, Omar Minaya, Omar Minaya's friends, and for some reason Avril Lavigne (?) are hoping for Schneider to be gone. I don't blame you. But considering the options out there, Brian Schneider doesn't look so bad.

Now there's going to have to be an offensive upgrade at a few other positions to make this palpable. You could have upgraded this position in one fell swoop by trading for Victor Martinez. But that ship has sailed and is currently docked in the Charles river. So who's left? Rod Barajas? He had 19 HR's last year but also batted .220. Bengie Molina? At the age where catchers start that inevitable descent off the cliff? Yorvit Torrealba?

Oh, silly me.

Then you look at the internal options. Josh Thole is a catcher who needs some work on catching the ball. Three passed balls and one error in 16 games tells me he needs to expand the zone ... his comfort zone. He's going to be a fine hitter, but only if he gets a little more time in the minors to refine his stroke and be completely ready to go when he gets back to the show, rather than become 2010's version of Daniel Murphy.

And Omir Santos? He's going to live off that Papelbon home run for a long time ... it's probably gotten him further than he deserves, and he'll live off that for at least a few more months going into next season. But look at his numbers. They tell me that the offensive upgrade from Schneider to Santos isn't worth what you lose in defense and in calling a game. If the upgrade was from Schneider to Victor Martinez? No brainer.

It would have taken management having a set to make a trade for Martinez while being far out. But that didn't happen. The options that exist now don't excite me enough to stick with what we have ... which is an inexperienced Thole and a journeyman in Omir Santos. As with Murphy, it would take some major upgrades at other positions to make keeping Schneider palatable. This team needs major upgrades at other positions anyway, so why not consider Schneider's return as a way to help the pitching staff a little bit ... or at the very least give Mike Pelfrey a personal catcher that can actually make a difference (not like giving Paul Bako any credit for being Greg Maddux's caddy)?

Well ... here's why not: Because you can't bring back Brian Schneider and Daniel Murphy. And if the choice is a semi-decent prospect and a journeyman catcher, you bring back the guy with the higher ceiling, and that's Murphy. If you bring in a left fielder, a first baseman, and maybe even a second baseman like Dan Uggla, then there's a chance for Schneider to come back. And maybe you have to use Murphy as a trade chip to make that happen. That said, you can also make a good case to bring Murphy back (which I will attempt in the near future), just as you can make a case for Schneider to come back (which is more a concern about the lack of catching options out there). But you can't bring both back ... there's no good case for that.

Now that I've written a piece that's somewhat pro-Schneider, expect to hear tomorrow that Schneider's been released so that he can sign with Telemarket Rimini.

More Cortisone For Everyone

Ron Darling said tonight that with cortisone, you feel a numbness for about two days.

After getting swept by a Mannyless Dodger team, I think we can all use a little of that action.

How about more for J.J. Putz who, even though the first round of cortisone gave him his zip back, still can't get him a hold when it was sorely needed.

Or maybe more for Jose Reyes, who left the game after aggravating his calf injury. Now who knows how long he'll be out.

Or some for the new shortstop, Ramon Martinez ... because he couldn't do any worse playing while numb.

The one good thing to come out of Wednesday night's broom job was Daniel Murphy's initial first base foray, in which he looked more Keith than Kingman with a couple of sparklers in the field. Makes you wonder what took the braintrust so long to figure this one out. Now all Murph needs to do is start hitting like Keith and ...

and the Mets will still need a shortstop.

But at least the Mets and their fans will get one thing they need tomorrow: a day off.

***

Lisa from Subway Squawkers was kind enough to bring me more insanity from Steve Phillips as he tries to defend his stance on Carlos Beltran:

"While Beltran does have talent, I just don't see him as a winning player. Even after my comments on Sunday night, Beltran let a fly ball drop in between himself and Angel Pagan in the Dodger game."

Why let the fact that Pagan didn't have the good sense to get out of the way of the center fielder calling him off six times get in the way of validating Phillips' point, right?

"I see him putting up numbers but not making plays to win games. I would take Torii Hunter, Grady Sizemore, Curtis Granderson, and Nate McLouth over Beltran, and use the financial difference to improve the team in other ways. Beltran isn't a $17 million dollar a year player. He just doesn't have the kind of impact for that kind of money."

He's right, Carlos Beltran isn't a $17 million a year player. He's an $18.5 million a year player. Torii Hunter, so you know, is an $18 million a year player, with one more season on his contract than Beltran. Congratulations Steve, you saved -$16,500,000 on that one. Ponzi schemes have more financial security.

"Many people think that Alex Rodriguez is the best player in the game, but he's never won anything. I look at Beltran in a similar fashion as Rodriguez--a great talent that just doesn't seem to have what it takes to win championships. Maybe the Mets can keep him and add pieces to the core around him and still win. But when you're dealing with a budget and the screams of immediacy in New York, I'm not sure the Mets can wait to piece it together around him."

Why not? The Mets waited to piece it together around Tsuyoshi Shinjo? Yes! Let's get Shinjo back! S-H-IN-J-O and Shinjo was his NAME-O!!!!! YES!!!!!! SHINJO MAKES PLAYS TO WIN GAMES!!!!!!

Oh, and so does Steve Reed. Remember him?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put on my sunglasses, as the trophies from all those championships that Hunter, Sizemore, Granderson, and McLouth have won are starting to blind me.

***

On a serious, sad note, many condolences to Scott Schoeneweis and his family. Keep them in your prayers tonight.

Overworked And Underwhelmed

“Three runs shouldn't be something that’s insurmountable. It appears when we get in that position, it’s an insurmountable lead. We have to address that.” -Snoop Manuel

That only took him a year to figure that one out ... duh.

But you know what he hasn't figured out? He hasn't figured out that Sean Green doesn't have to pitch every day. Green took the loss Tuesday as he melted down in the seventh inning, and he coughed up the kind of one-run lead that he's paid to come in and hold on to (as if there's another kind of one-run lead). But did Green really need to pitch during a five run lead? Or down by four?

It doesn't seem like a large workload for Green, who has pitched pretty much every other day for the most part (until Tuesday), but with a guy who you know was overworked in the early part of last season, I'd think you would want to be more judicious with him so that you can pitch him back to back later in the season, and not throw him in blowouts. He's already on pace to blow away his career high in appearances and approach the levels of guys like Scott Schoeneweis' and Pedro Feliciano's totals last season. I know part of it is the lousy starting pitching, but do we really want to go down that road with Green?

Not that I know what I'm talking about anyway ... but when has that ever stopped me?

Another One Bites The Dust ...

"And Schoeneweis makes four. Something still doesn't seem quite right. Hmmm ..."

Post Holiday Housecleaning (Alternate Title: Free Stuff!)

I'd be remiss if I didn't pass along the chance for you to win free DVD's.

How, you ask?

The Subway Squawkers (who were affiliated with the Daily News but now have gone indy with their own blog), are passing along the chance for five Mets fans to win DVD copies of The Essential Games of Shea Stadium, which make great Christmas gifts even if you give them to yourself. To enter, simply visit their new website. They will also be giving copies of Yankees and Red Sox DVD's to five Yankee fans and five Red Sox fans ... so those of you who are lurking here are welcome over there and you could also win stuff. Although you can buy your own and know that there's a chance that your money could go towards signing Derek Lowe.

Also, if you missed it because I was too lazy to post it, here's part three of Jimmy Scott's interview with Gabrielle Schoeneweis.

And finally, Playing for Peanuts:

PRODUCER COMMENTARY


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VIEW MORE EPISODES

VISIT PLAYING FOR PEANUTS - WEBSITE and BLOG

It's A Major Award

Yes, I won a major award. But more on that later.

First off, it's time to bring some good feeling back to this blog. Too much negativity. Probably my fault. All right, I'll make it up to you:

With the holidays coming up, the most positive thing that you can do is to give to your favorite charity ... or perhaps, give to the favorite charity of your favorite announcers. So go get a t-shirt from Gary, Keith and Ron's website. And how about this: Enter the super secret code before November 28th, and get 10% off. Sounds good? Don't say I don't do anything for you.

Well actually, I still haven't done anything for you ... especially since I never gave you the secret code.

(Psst: BLOGGER ... pass it on.)

***

Oh, here's Part II of the Gabrielle Schoeneweis interview. Part III coming soon.

***

Oh, about that major award, I was recently presented with this:

It means I write well, I guess. But all appreciation to the presenter of this award to me. It was unexpected, and I'm not sure I deserve it. But it's appreciated much the same. Thanks!

The good news is that I get to pass it on to five more deserving blogs. The bad news is that I could only choose five. So don't scream at me for not choosing you or this newfound blog positivity is going to end quick. If I could give out awards to everyone, I would. Because I love you all ... seriously.

Here goes:

1. Faith and Fear in Flushing: Because they constantly come up with things that I wish I came up with.
2. Toasted Joe: Because he won't rest until Aaron Heilman is pitching for a club team in Siberia.
3. Mets Walkoffs: Because the minutiae never stops.
4. A tie: Nice Level Swing, My Summer Family, Archie Bunker's Army, and Brooklyn Met Fan: Because I'm incapable of making a decision. Deal with it.
5. Jer's Steak House: Because I need to show a little versatility in my life. That and this guy is just plain smarter than me by like three miles. Probably smarter than you too. Just accept it.

You've been officially awarded. Now pass the love along to five of your favorites (or eight or nine if you can't make a decision like me). And oh yeah ... link to me, and link to the Scholastic Scribble guys. Those are the rules. If you don't follow the rules, the mogwai becomes a gremlin ... or something like that.

And buy a t-shirt.

What Happens When A Fictional Pitcher Interviews A Real Life Wife?

You get Part I of Jimmy Scott's interview with Gabrielle Schoeneweis.

Parts II and III are coming soon, when supposedly Gabrielle will discuss the fateful final game at Shea.

Wes Helms' wife has no comment, but Fredi Gonzalez is sending her to a bat rack somewhere at this very moment.

Scott Schoeneweis: Behind the Blow

Well, another red letter season has come do an end (and that red letter is F ... I'll let you figure out what that stands for.) And believe it or not, I still have s**t to say. The following is one in a series of random stuff I'm throwing against the wall about person or persons of my choosing. These are your New York Mets: Behind the Blow.

2008 has been full of tragic symmetry. Last season, the Mets lost two out of three to the Marlins, only winning the second game. I delivered a Manifesto, and then my first post after that involved Scott Schoeneweis. This season, the Mets lost two out of three to the Marlins, only winning the second game. I have already delivered my end of season Manifesto, so let's keep the symmetry going and talk about Schoeneweis, shall we?

You do realize that Scott Schoeneweis is 2008's Tom Glavine. He's going to be seen as the guy who f**ked up the final game with the bomb he gave up to Wes Helms.

(Jeez, Wes Helms.)

When Glavine was interviewed after the game, he came up with the final nail in his own Met coffin in the hearts of Met fans when he came up with the infamous "I'm disappointed, not devastated" line.

One year later ...

"Scott Schoeneweis wrapped his hands around the sides of his Mets locker, seemingly trying to prevent himself from stumbling. He removed one hand to rub his eyes, kicked away a shoe and then sniffled. An hour after the Mets’ season ended disastrously, Schoeneweis, with tousled hair and red-rimmed eyes, looked as if he had not slept in three days."

Sure, Schoeneweis also said that sometimes there were more important things in life ... but he was going through one of those important things at the time!

Yet he still seemed to care about baseball. And that's an important thing to point out because I've heard more than one person say that they could deal with Glavine's 2007 meltdown up until the "disappointed not devastated" line. Then, Glavine was dead to a lot of people ... even when Glavine may have been feeling lower than the dirt that the Marlins scooped up from home plate on Sunday, he certainly didn't let us in on the joke. Schoeneweis at least wore his emotions on his sleeve and showed us that he at least shared the emotions of his fans at that point. It's a fact that at the very least deserves to be acknowledged and credited before he, in all probability, packs his bags to head for parts unknown in 2009.

The Manifesto (New And Improved)

Guess that sabbatical I suggested last year wouldn't have been such a bad option, eh?

There's a saying, you might have heard of it.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

That's how I feel. Not that this team duped me, but that I let this team dupe me. To a certain extent, we were all fooled by this team ... that this time would have been different. This team, with Daniel Murphy and Argenis Reyes and Nick Evans and an improved Mike Pelfrey and a more focused Oliver Perez and a rejuvenated Carlos Delgado and a revived Jose Reyes and a more honest Snoop Manuel and a less complicated Dan Warthen and Billy Wagner pitching from the windup and all of the moving parts that made the 2008 team less "bored" than their 2007 counterparts and that this team was choke-proof.

We put our blinders on and begged this team to tell us it would be all right. And if it wasn't going to be all right, we begged them to lie to us.

I was fooled. Again. Roger Daltrey, I'm not.

I was looking for the footnote to 2007. Seven games with seventeen to play is a monumental choke job. There were two footnotes that were possible when history was to look back on 2007. One of them was: "The Mets would bounce back from that horrible collapse to make the playoffs the following season." The other was "The Mets would plunge into the abyss after the collapse, missing post season play for the next 25 seasons."

No way did I think of the third option: "The Mets repeated their historic collapse of 2007 in 2008 when they were once again eliminated on the final day of the season by the Florida Marlins." But that's what we're stuck with. Because one choke is a fluke ... two is a trend.

(And three is grounds for contraction.)

Here's what's bothering me already about Collapse Part II: Every time somebody who watches maybe nine innings of baseball all year tell me that this team needs intangible, imaginary concepts like "heart" and "fire" and "guts". I've heard it already. I've used those terms. Sometimes, they apply. This year, they're inconsequential. We don't need "heart" or "fire" or "guts".

We need a bullpen.

Whereas 2007 was one giant choke, 2008 was more like many small chokes encompassed into a big picture that you need to look past the "big picture" to really see. Not that it's any consolation to us, but 2008 was less choke and more suck. If baseball was an eight inning game, the Mets would have had an eight game lead going into the final weekend of the season. Curse you Abner Doubleday for choosing the number 9.

But most of all, curse you Mets bullpen. Curse you Mets bullpen for being the sole ... and I mean the sole reason that the Brewers are going to Philadelphia and not to the golf course where they've been every year since Ben Oglivie roamed County Stadium. And curse you for forcing me to resort to the most simple and the least eloquent to put your accomplishments into a tidy twenty words or less:

You all suck.

When Oliver Perez was slugging through his innings of work on Sunday, I thought of the relief pitchers I would want to keep for '09. The first guy I thought of was Joe Smith. And I'm guessing that Snoop agreed with me. When Perez started slowing down, in came Smith into an impossible situation: bases loaded, one out. He was lucky to escape with only letting one of Ollie's runs to score.

The second guy I thought of? Brian Stokes ... because we need a long man. And he was second in to preserve the tie game that Carlos Beltran created with his two run HR that rocked the house for ... what turned out to be ... the final time. Stokes also didn't disappoint with a scoreless inning.

After that, I really don't trust anybody to come back. But if you had put a gun to my head for a third guy? You guessed it, the third guy in. Scott Schoeneweis.

Um, never mind. I'll stick with two.

But really, if everybody in that bullpen was to depart I wouldn't be heartbroken. Certainly, the only way anybody in that bullpen besides Smith and Stokes attends Opening Day at Corporate Field is either with a ticket or a contract with the Padres. And I'm to the point now ... at this very moment ... if anybody besides Johan Santana were to leave this team, I'd shrug my shoulders in an act of indifference. That includes the Carloses, that includes Jose Reyes, that includes the very handsome David Wright, that includes everyone.

And that's why I'm glad that the current team didn't show their faces at the Shea Goodbye ceremony. Some may disagree, but it took a lot of effort to get the angry crowd (or the portion that didn't leave right after the game like myself) to feel good about anything. And the ceremony actually accomplished that ... seeing this current crop of star-crossed imitators posing as Mets would only send the crowd back to step one of the twelve step program.

We certainly needed one today with the range of emotions the crowd had to go through today. Ticket holders today had just about an hour and a half to go from happy to angry to morose to sullen to nostalgic all at once. After the sixth inning, I'm thinking about changing work schedules so I could get to Game 3 of the Cubs/Mets playoff series on Saturday. By the ninth inning, I'm looking up at the soda stains on the back of the upper deck stands ... trying to take in every nook and cranny that this Stadium had to offer me in the last 32 years of my life, and resigning myself to the fact that "Holy crap, this is it. Once I leave here, that's that."

And that's why I had to stay. Some left, and I can't blame them. Everybody has to deal with these things in their own way. I stayed. I'm glad I did. It started with some reminders as to why we're thought of as second class citizens by the people that provide us with this stupid sport called "baseball", as we were told at 5:23 that the ceremony would start in five minutes. Eight minutes later we were told the ceremony would start in two minutes. This confirmed what we already knew: that this team's only good at counting when they're counting the money they're going to make by selling the dugouts and the championship banners and the NYC parks logos that encase the trees.

Sorry if that comes off as being petulant.

(Some Phillies website referred to my Choke Manifesto from last season as "petulant". I don't necessarily disagree, and there's sure to be more of it in the coming post, and in the coming weeks and months. So if you're expecting anything different, you might be disappointed.)

Then we were reminded that there were very important Mets that had "other things to do" rather than be here for the only closing ceremony that Shea Stadium will ever know. Great, more misery. Not that Nolan Ryan, Hubie Brooks, Mookie Wilson and the like didn't have better things to do. But after what Mets fans had to endure on Sunday, the previous week, and the previous two years, everything felt like a slight.

But then the players who were here came out. And we were excited again for a few minutes. The highlights, of course, were guys like Doc, Darryl, Piazza, and Tom Terrific. But what got me were the guys that helped introduce me to baseball that you don't see anymore. Did anybody really expect to see Dave Kingman come back (or for that matter, show his face in public anywhere?) When was the last time Craig Swan was at Shea Stadium? And my first ever favorite Met, Doug Flynn? They really invited Doug Flynn? Boy, I didn't think this organization had it in 'em to be all-inclusive and recognize players from all eras and not just the good ones. The Mets have been accused of not recognizing their history. Every single criticism in that regard has been well deserved.

But Doug Flynn? Well played, evil geniuses ... well played.

It was all emotional, and it made us forget for a little while that our franchise is once again the joke of the sporting world. But it reminded us that this is it. The old barn is gone forever. No playoff games with the Cubs ... and no next season. It'll be knocked down and made into a parking lot by April.

It's a lot of childhood they're knocking down.

Unfortunately, every time I think about all the good times I've had at Shea, and even the multitude of bad events I've witnessed personally (Pendleton in '87, Gibson in '88, the Yankees clincher in 2000, Scott Speizio in '06), I'll think about the fact that while our bullpen sucks, it was former Met Matt Lindstrom officially closed out Shea Stadium by knocking the Mets out of the playoffs. And that it was the Marlins who were scooping dirt from home plate as a keepsake ... and as a symbol of conquest.

And that the Honeymooners episode that was shown tonight was the one I referenced yesterday: the one with the cornet. Everything was supposed to be louder than everything else. Instead, Shea Stadium exits stage left ... quietly.

Life Is A Highway

Schoeneweis: Thanks for the ride, Johan.

Santana: My pleasure.

Stokes: Yeah, we've had smooth sailing with no traffic for 200 miles, and now we're almost home.

Feliciano: Thanks Johan.

Santana: Always glad to ... uh oh.

Stokes: What is it Johan?

Santana: Guys, my foot fell asleep. I'm pulling over. One of you is going to have to drive the last three miles home.

Schoeneweis: I'll do it (trades places with Johan and takes the wheel.)

Schoeneweis: Three miles, can't be too hard

(Schoeneweis runs over a squirrel, then swerves into a ditch.)

Schoeneweis: Oh no! What are we going to do?

Stokes: Let's get the car out of the ditch and I'll drive (the guys push the car out and drive off.)

Stokes: There, just a little detour, we'll be fine (slams into an 18 wheeler, the car comes to rest by the guard rail.)

Stokes: Dammit!

Santana: What the hell is wrong with you guys?

Feliciano: Guys, we need some gas. Let's hit the rest stop ... I'll drive.

(The guys drive into the rest stop, and slam into the gas station. Santana's car explodes into a fireball, the guys ... somehow ... are unharmed.)

Santana: You idiots!!! That's the seventh Mercedes you guys have wrecked! Why do I drive with you guys??!? How the hell are we going to get home???

Stokes: Hey, there's another car in the lot, it's a pick up truck!

Schoeneweis: You mean the one with the vanity plates?

Stokes: Yeah, NIESE 49.

Feliciano: Hey buddy? Can you give us a lift? Hey? HEEEEEEEEY?!?

Niese: (Locks doors and speeds off.)

Schoeneweis: Aww.

(Editor's note: No squirrels were harmed in the making of this short.)

Exit Sandman

You can't make this stuff up:

"I've played my last day as a Met, that's the way it goes ... I've always tried to take on everything straight on. There's no use sitting here and saying, 'Geez, I could always make this miraculous recovery and pitch in August and September.' I'm going to let the thing work itself out and see where it takes me." -Billy Wagner

Wagner said he wasn't feeling much pain, to his elbow or the knee from which doctors extracted a tendon to help repair his elbow, and was comforted by hospital visits on Wednesday from Moises Alou and Scott Schoeneweis. The estimated 12-month recovery phase has begun.

Alou really had no excuse not to visit, considering he's been in the hospital so often he pays rent.

"I've gotten used to the food."

Get Outta My Head

You ever get the feeling that people are surfing the personal internet that's inside your brain?

Like when earlier today I had been perusing the bullpen statistics ... specifically the splits of the main bullpen culprits, er ... I mean pitchers, and found the following:

Schoeneweis:
.151/.224 vs. Left (Avg/OBP against)
.330/.426 vs. Right

Feliciano:
.207/.269 vs. Left
.344/.427 vs. Right

Smith:
.203/.288 vs. Right
.311/.426 vs. Left

Heilman:
.215/.320 vs. Right
.310/.401 vs. Left

Stokes:
.175/.175 vs. Right
.371/.421 vs. Left

And I'm thinking: "Ooh, I can put these splits in my back pocket and spring 'em in a future post dissecting the bullpen. It'll be great, they'll never expect me to go all statistical on 'em, they'll just expect another Robby Alomar joke. Oh, It'll be great."

So what do you think happens? Of course, SNY breaks out the lefty/righty split graphic during Tuesday's game ensuring that I'll just look like a copycat fool when my master bullpen dissection comes out. The one time I get all stat geek and it's ruined ... ruined I say!

But it doesn't take a genius, a stat geek, or a Mets television network to point out what's so wrong with this bullpen and why it needs to be revamped next season: Everybody in the pen is a specialist. Schoeneweis, Heilman, Smith and Feliciano ... when used right ... should be guys who are facing one or two batters. The Mets don't really have anybody who could face anybody. Except ...

The one guy who's splits were on the SNY graphic didn't belong:

Sanchez:
.261/.331 vs. Right
.217/.314 vs. Left

That's a weird one because his numbers are slightly worse against righties, correct? And the OBP againsts are similar against both lefties and righties. It doesn't make much sense. But the splits get more normal when you go back to his salad year of '06:

.179/.266 vs. Right
.276/.362 vs. Left

So even Sanchez falls along that specialist line. But he's been an eighth inning guy before, so one would think it would be imperative for him to somehow regain a little of that '06 magic if this bullpen is going to last to and through October without dropping dead.

Until then, we'll take ninth innings like Tuesday night, where Stokes put a runner on (after two solid innings) before Feliciano got the lefty Prince Fielder to double himself up, and Smith came in to wipe out Corey Hart and give the Mets an opportunity to win the game in the tenth.

Ayala:
.291/.333 vs. Right
.259/.341 vs. Left
.241/.301 with nobody on
.321/.379 with runners on

If Luis Ayala could stop giving up rallies with two outs (started by guys who look like Bob Hamelin's distant relatives), he could be a guy who could not only close, but could slide into an eighth inning role if/when Country Time comes back.

***

Jon Niese's scouting reports says that he likes to compete, which basically makes him the anti-Steve Trachsel.

Niese gave up five runs in three plus innings against the Brewers tonight in his major league debut ... which is two innings more than Trachsel lasted in Game 3 of the 2006 NLCS.

Basically, when you talk about a full list of Met pitchers from best to worst, all you have to do is just kinda show up and you'll surpass Trachsel.

***

And by the way, if you're interested in reading about Cody Ross popping off some more on Mike Pelfrey, then you should check this out. Try not to giggle uncontrollably.

Meeting Of The Minds

We set the scene in the Mets bullpen, during the first inning of Wednesday night's game against the Braves:

Schoeneweis: Hey everybody! Everybody! Gather your butts 'round here, Billy's got something to say to all of you!

Wagner: Thanks Scott. I want you all to know that just because I'm not going to be able to close for y'all in the foreseeable future cuz my elbow is the size of Fluff Castro's head, that you guys are more than capable to get the job done. In fact, I want to tell you that you guys are great, and there's not a guy out there that I would trade any of you for. People just focus on me because I have the closer title ... and the only reason that I'm a closer is that I stunk as a starter.

Heilman: You stunk as a starter?

Wagner: Why, yes I did.

Heilman: Tell us that story.

Wagner: What story?

Heilman: About how you stunk as a starter and are now the best closer in this bullpen? Please?

Wagner: Well, that's not really ...

Heilman: I WANT TO HEAR THE STORY!

Schoeneweis: Aaron! Pipe down!

Wagner: No Schoeney, it's okay. I'll tell the story.

Feliciano: Cool! Story time! Hey Joe, you have the candy in the Hello Kitty bag?

Smith: Yup. Hope you guys don't mind, I ate a lot of it ... just the stuff with the processed sugar.

Schoeneweis: Will you mutts stifle so Billy can tell his story ... we may have to pitch soon!

Wagner: Well, there's not too much to the story ... when I was at Quad City in 1994, I started 26 games, went 8-9, and walked 91 batters in 153 innings. So then after I started some in AAA, the Astros decided to make me a reliever. So I really mean it when I say that you're all better than me.

Smith: Ha ha, hahaa ha. I'm better than yooooooou. Hey, I wonder who else I'm better than (hops off).

Feliciano: That wasn't a very interesting story. Where's the compelling plot lines? The sultry ingenue? The action scenes?

Heilman: Wait a second, I wasn't that bad in Norfolk ... I didn't walk as many guys as you when I was a starter, and they didn't make me a closer. The Mets just made me a stupid seventh inning guy.

Smith: (licking the sugar off the inside of the candy bag) Ha ha hahaa, ha. I'm better than yooooooou, Aaron!

Heilman: No really, I only walked 66 in 151 innings in Norfolk and the Mets told me that I had to pitch in the stupid seventh inning. What does that say about me?

Schoeneweis: What Billy is trying to say is that you're all capable of closing so keep your chins up.

Heilman: My chins? Are you calling me fat? I'm going to go now. (stomps off)

Feliciano: Billy, if there was a movie made about you, who would you get to play you? John Malkovich?

Stokes: Edward Norton?

Schoeneweis: Jack Black!

Wagner: Close Schoneny ... John Franco.

Smith: Hey, you know who else I'm better than? John Smoltz. After 57 years as a starter, he was a reliever for a couple of years. That must mean he stunk as a starter too. So I must be better than him too, right? I'm better than Smollll-tziiiiiiie. I'm better than Smollll-tziiiiiiie.

Schoeneweis: You're a little dense. Hey what's Heilman doing over there?

Stokes: Schoeny, he said something about "goodbye cruel world" and I now think he's trying to slit his pinky finger with a spoon.

Heilman: I'll do it too if I can find only my wrist!

Stokes: What should I do, Billy?

Wagner: Leave him alone. He obviously lacks his tools and his command tonight so I wouldn't worry about him.

Smith: Hey, I'm reading Wikipedia, and there's this guy named Mathewson, and he had 28 career saves. So that must mean he stunk as a starter ... and he's in the Hall of Fame! So I'm better than him, right? Wow, I'm going to be in the Hall of Fame! Wait 'till I rub it in to the guys at Wrigley! I'm a Hall of Faaaaaaaaam-eeeeeeeeeer! I'm a Hall of Faaaaaaaaam-eeeeeeeeeer!

Schoeneweis: Wait a second, where's Filthy? Filthy! What are you doing in the corner???

Sanchez: I'm making a t-shirt for Johan! It says "I Went to the Dugout with a Three Run Lead and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt!"

Feliciano: What does it say on the back?

Sanchez: It says "Oh Yeah, and a No-Decision Too!"

Heilman: Ha ha, that's funny! Maybe this world isn't so cruel after all! I want to liiiiiiiiive!!!

Schoeneweis: Oh jeez, with all these basket cases I'd think it was Easter. I hope we don't have to pitch tonight.

Wagner: I wouldn't worry about that.

Al Reyes: All right boys, I'm here to help. Where's the candy?

Schoeneweis: Wait, you're a Met?

Al Reyes: Well, sort of. I'm a Binghamton Met.

Feliciano: Don't you play second base?

Stokes: I think that's Argenis.

Smith: Yay! We lead the league in Reyeses! Yaaaaaay! They're better than yooooooou! They're better than yooooooou!

Heilman: Where's that spoon?

Wagner: (Buries head in hands. Elbow inflames to the size of Mr. Met's head.)

While You Were Out

So here I am in the Meadowlands thinking I was going to be far away from any bullpen problems the Mets would have (and as I saw courtesy of my DVR, they indeed had their problems before finally winning.) But when Paul Raymond dropped what would have been the winning touchdown against the Redskins, and Mike Nugent hit the upright on a field goal at the buzzer (who the hell plays for the tie in a pre-season game ... oh, right. It's the Jets) can you blame me for thinking that Raymond and Nugent were kidnapped, tied up and left in the upper tank of the Meadowlands, and replaced by Aaron Heilman and Scott Schoeneweis? I mean, the Jets closed out that game as if they were ... well, the Mets. Can you be positive that didn't happen? Maybe that wasn't Heilman warming up in the bullpen in the ninth in Pittsburgh. Maybe it was a C.I.A. operative. Maybe it's part of the intricate plot to keep Billy Wagner on the disabled list for a few extra days. Uh-oh, I've said too much.

At least the Phillies lost. And Brett Favre looked good. Not quite Pedro Martinez good, but good. Conspiracies aside, not a bad day.

Cousin Oliver Redux

Could Brian Stokes have been the key all along?

Now far be it from me to be the one to make excuses for the outfit in the pen and the way they've been going these days. Heck, during the early stages of the Mets' 10-0 lead tonight, when you were thinking if there was anyone out there who thought the Mets' bullpen could blow this lead, the answer was yes ... me! But here's what I'm thinking:

Forget the whole "different roles" thing. That's an excuse. A lame one at that. But could it be ... just maybe ... that the whole reason the bullpen has reaked of fresh roadkill is due to the lack of a long option in the pen?

When Darren Oliver played here in '06, the Mets' record in games he's pitched in was 17-28. Look through his game log and you'll see a lot of the scores of the games he's been in are of the 15-2, 11-3, 10-1 variety. Now, go through this season and check out the boxscores of similar games with similar scores. For example: May 12th against the Nationals, where the game was decided by the sixth inning:

Sosa 1 IP
Sanchez 1 IP
Smith 1 IP
Wagner 1 IP

How about two days earlier, a game which was 10-3 after six innings:

Heilman 1 IP
Feliciano 1 IP
Sosa (Who's this Sosa guy?) 1 IP

Even July 3rd, a game with was 11-0 after five and a half.

Schoeneweis 1 IP
Smith 1 IP

Games like this in 2006 saw Darren Oliver eat inning, after inning, after inning. The above blowouts featured names that would be better serve to use their limited bullets on close games, and not blowouts (though the Heilman appearance was very well one of those "I need to find my game" appearances. Apparently, he lost it again.)

Tonight was one of those games that you knew was going to be a patchwork bullpen game with John Maine restricted in his first game back from his shoulder issue. And in a game without Brian Stokes, even with the score 10-0 (which would end 12-0) you would have seen Schoeneweis pitch an inning ... Filthy pitch an inning ... Smith pitch an inning ... heck, Jorge Sosa could have come in tonight just for laughs (Sosa is in the Seattle organization, in case you were wondering. I know you weren't. Heck, I wasn't until I was looking through old boxscores. How did I miss Jorge Sosa going to Seattle? Or should the question be: How could I not?)

But with Stokes on the roster, he fills the Darren Oliver role and gives the rest of the beleaguered some rest by pitching four innings and getting a save in a 12-0 game. And now I'm wondering if there's a way to keep Stokes on the roster when Country Time comes back. Which of course, there is ... with Eddie Kunz eligible to be sent down, and Fluff Castro probably overdue for a spot on the D.L.

And speaking of bullpens, notice how the Phillies bullpen melted late for the second night in a row? Yes, I felt dirty rooting for Chan Ho Park. Dirtier still rooting for Joe Torre. And dirtiest of all when Jeff Kent was up with the Dodgers down by two runs and second and third, and he lined one down the left field line to tie the game which was met with "Yes! Jeff!" A swear which was quickly followed by "I still hate you Jeff!!!", which is the baseball equivalent of blessing yourself after you swear which is what my grandmother did a lot ... thank you, Nana!

But we'll have to send the Dodgers some sort of bouquet of flowers of some sort for sweeping the Phillies and helping the Mets climb back into a tie for first. Hopefully Manny doesn't think it's lettuce and mistakenly eats it. Thank you, Nomar.

Count On David

Fitting that Sesame Street's own Ernie was at Shea today to help teach the many kids in attendance to "Count On Sports". And all those kids that were out there today learned from Jody Gerut that you can always count on sports to give you a tummy ache ... especially when Gerut waits for the Mets series to decide that there's some lineage to Mel Ott in his family.

So remember for all you kids out there (as Keith would say), sometimes ... bullpens suck. You don't have to tell Johan Santana that as he walked off the mound after being pulled from the game in the 8th after a couple of seeing-eye hits ... and his strut wasn't so much a strut but a hunched over shuffle to the dugout as if to say "oh great, another no-decision" as he left with a 3-1 lead. Sure enough, a spectacular double play by Reyes squared and Nick Evans (along with a bonehead slide by Scott Hairston as Glenn Hoffman was waving him around) could only delay the inevitable as Scott Schoeneweis gave up Jody Gerut's latest bomb to snatch yet another W from the ledger of Johan. I think that everyone kind of expected it, as it was a ninth inning that didn't quite feel like a ninth inning as the crowd had a vibe of impending doom. Alas they were right.

But thankfully, sometimes you can count on sports. And you can count on David Wright ... because he's handsome and he's going to save the day as he did Thursday with a walk off jobby off of Heath Bell. The Mets win, yet the kids learn valuable lessons about adversity, being a good teammate, and not being required to like everybody in your bullpen. Everybody wins.

Yes Virginia, you can count on sports.

But on a related note: perhaps putting the clip of Ernie asking Bert to "count the balls" on Diamond Vision isn't the best way to squash the misconception about Bert and Ernie's sexual orientation. Then again, maybe playing the part of the Gwen Stefani song that mentions a "stupid ho" over the sound system isn't the best choice on kids camp day either. Perhaps the following brilliant, fun filled yet potty mouthed ditty could have been played in homage of Bert and Ernie instead.

(Disclaimer: NOT for all you kids out there)



(And speaking of Diamond Vision ... for what was perhaps the defensive play of the year from Reyes squared to Evans, we in the ballpark could have really used a replay of that. The Monkees sing-a-long can wait ten seconds. Just sayin'.)

Killer Fish

Yeah, this fish is ugly ... ain't it? Kinda like last night's game, with those fish.

Well good morning to you too. Now that you're awake ...

I didn't have a real good feeling going into that eighth inning ... as sloppy a defensive team as the Marlins are, they do have a habit of pulling through in late innings. I didn't expect the eighth inning to be quite as ugly as it was ... but that's what happens when Scott Schoeneweis comes into the game and faces more righties than expected. Three of 'em got hits. The other one was Hanley Ramirez. That's still no way to convince the brass you shouldn't be traded for Marcus Thames.

(But seriously, don't trade Scott Schoeneweis for Marcus Thames.)

But really, you could see this coming when John Maine was taken out of the game in the fifth with "shoulder stiffness", in what was at the time the strangest injury ever ... with Maine telling Jerry Manuel he was fine during John Baker's at bat, and then giving up a dinger to Baker on the next pitch, and then being lifted after the next hitter. Maine was pissed. He had that "Mike Piazza going after Guillermo Mota" look in his eye. But he finally did admit he was hurting. It's either not a good sign ... or it's an explanation of his latest struggles. In any event, that makes two injury riddled starters out of five. Which means those hoping or expecting the Mets to use their latest run as a springboard towards an easy pennant race should probably temper their expectation a wee bit.

One Hit Wonders

That was the greatest pitched game by five pitchers in Mets history.

A one hitter? This bullpen? Picking up for Pedro Martinez after his shoulder got stiff? This is the same Pedro Martinez that would have been 23-2 in 2005 had it not been for Braden Looper ... and he's getting bullpen help?

Meanwhile, the Mets have won eight straight, and could actually hit the break in first place. What alternate universe did I step into, exactly?

Ker-Plunk

Think of it this way: Scott Schoeneweis did everyone a favor.

When you're staring down the barrel of a 1-1 game with the San Diego Padres in the ninth, you know that dealing with this team that can't score that if you go to the tenth inning, you're most likely going to the 18th ... or the 22nd. And you can't re-introduce Abraham Nunez to the major leagues with a 30-inning ballgame after he spent the last six weeks riding buses ... because that's not fair. So rather than put Nunez, and us fans, through a long, riveting at-bat showcasing the very crux of baseball's battle of wits between pitcher and batter ... rather than build up the very drama that makes baseball great, Scott Schoeneweis gave us all the equivalent of that brain freeze you get by eating ice cream too fast by hitting Paul McAnulty with his first pitch with the bases loaded to sent everybody home. Not happy, but rested. And that works for the greater good.

Besides, the Mets kinda didn't deserve to win anyway ... what with their five measly hits off of Josh Banks (who hadn't given up a run in his first three starts of the season before tonight which didn't shake Gary Cohen's firm belief that the Mets would come into San Diego with such ferocity against their staff that every pet in Petco Park would be let loose) and their bagel against the bullpen which included Heath Bell ... who surely is in the Padres locker room laughing his ass off right now. So why draw out what really should have been a loss anyway?

(Editor's note: Mike Pelfrey gets so little run support that he's becoming that employee that always arrives to the conference room late when there's pizza on the table, and all that's left is the pie with all those vegetables on it that nobody eats so Pelfrey just skips it and starves.)

So you think you're pissed now? Imagine losing 2-1 in 43 innings instead of the regulation nine? Don't think it's not possible with these two teams ... especially with Abraham Nunez on the bench instead of ... say ... Ike Davis.