Now Here's Baghdad Bob With The Paid Attendance

Interesting throw in to the game notes on the bottom of the wire copy for Saturday's 5-1 win:

"The announced paid attendance was 37,578."

The unannounced attendance in the real world? Let's just say Tony Bernazard has more Facebook friends.

That explains the uncontrolled giggling on the P.A. system when the attendance was actually announced. It was the biggest fit of laughter at Citi Field since Snoop told the following joke at a press conference in June:

Scott Kazmir walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says "Where'd you get that?" And the parrot says "From Jim Duquette".

You had to be there.

Itemized

The lords of baseball saw an opportunity to throw some high hard ones by me while I've been away. To that I say, ha! You're going to have to do a lot better than this to get one by me. Besides, I have a team of experts not only finding these stories for me, they read them to me, they explain them to me, they spell out some of the words phonetically to me, and they diffuse bombs in their spare time.

So without further ado, I give you: "The things you've missed while I've been away."

Or is that, "The things I've missed while you've been away?"

Maybe it's "The things that we've all missed while David Wright's been away" ...

Oh, the hell with it, here's some stuff to read:

Item: Scott Kazmir traded to the Angels for two players not named Victor Zambrano.

First person that says "see, told you so" gets a beating. Kazmir for Zambrano: Still the worst trade ever. Anybody who wants me to rehash why it's worse than Ryan for Fregosi is more than welcome to ask.

Here's the funny thing, the Rays trading Kazmir for prospects is a "future" trade. The Mets trading Kazmir for Zambrano was a "now" trade. (Actually, it was a "never" trade.) The Rays are closer to first place "now" than the Mets were "then". Meanwhile, I can't be sure ... but I think Victor rang me up at Old Navy the other day.

Item: Billy Wagner finally gets into a game for Boston, and strikes out three in his inning of work.

Hooray for Country Time. And even though Brian Cashman was probably only doing his due dilligence for claiming Chris Carter on waivers from the Red Sox, and even though keeping Carter from joining the Mets this season in the Wagner trade is probably akin to doing him a favor and keeping him from getting injured ... screw you Cashman. Your team has the best team in baseball and you still have to cause unnecessary problems. We have enough necessary problems, for crissakes.

Surprisingly, it took until Sunday for Billy to get into a game. Apparently, Terry Francona is only allowed to pitch him if he doesn't throw a bullpen session, throw darts against Papelbon, or throw up earlier in the day. So I wasn't able to give you a video of "Enter Sandman" in Fenway Park from Friday. So instead I give you Jason Bay from Friday, for no other reason than to remind Steve Phillips that he traded him for Steve Reed.



Thanks for giving me that initial slice of hell that has been compounded over time.

Item: Catcher Josh Thole to be promoted, may only bat against righties.

Wait, this is the organization that rushes their prospects through the system ... so they could reach the majors and be coddled? Memo to Snoop: your major league catchers can't hit lefties (Santos: .234, Schneider: POINT ZERO ZERO ZERO). I know we're long past the point of managing to win (that point being 2008), but can we use our brains, if only a little bit? The next Joe Mauer could be here in September. Or, the next Joe Mauer could be in somebody else's organization. Or, the next Joe Mauer may be merely a twinkle in some groupie's eye right now. We'll never know for sure, because the Mets will continue to groom players of all shapes and sizes to be nothing more than glorified platoon/utility players, putting them in a box with no hope of breaking out and being more than what they are perceived to be.

Sounds a lot like life ... or at least life in Flushing.

Item: Jeff Kent honored in the Giants Wall of Fame (sent to the home office by Squawker Lisa).

Fans can visit the wall and wash the very motorcycle that Kent claimed to had been washing when he broke his wrist.

Item: Aaron Heilman pitches two innings of shutout baseball against the Mets on Saturday, only giving up one hit.

Seems that Heilman was claimed on waivers by a National League team on Thursday. If the Mets were that team, I'm burning down Citi Field. Immediately.

Triple play? Pshaw. Castillo Schmastillo. This ... is ... rock ... bottom.

Item: Jim Duquette blasts Mets for cancelling their fall instructional league.

Okay, scratch that. This is rock bottom.

And it brings it all full circle, doesn't it? We started with Kazmir, why not end with Duquette? When this is the man that is killing your organization for being cheap, what does that tell you? What does that tell you??? Jim Duquette is throwing tomatoes at you ... with more accuracy than Oliver Perez, at that!

"Now the rumors within the scouting circles are that they can't afford - which it roughly costs about 300 grand to staff and to invite and fly down all the players, to having meals throughout for about, it's like a 4 to 5 week program. It gives you a chance to extend the development of your young players, of your prospects. And they're not gonna have it. They have cancelled it for this fall. And to me, being a development guy, that's big news. If you're development oriented, it's not a good decision in my opinion."

Maybe that's why Thole is only batting against righties ... because they can't afford to develop his batting eye against lefties. Boy oh boy, nothing verifies the myth of a bad farm system like ... not developing your farm system. Thanks, Mr. Wilpon.

In a related story, the Mets have saved millions in salary by trading Danny Meyer to the Padres in exchange for Grimace, the Hamburglar, and a fictional character to be named later. Shake Shack will now serve delicious McDonald's cheeseburgers for the 2010 season.

My Gritty Attempt At a World Series Preview

Yeah yeah, I know what you're thinking. "A stupid Mets fan previewing the World Series. Why should I even read it? He's going to pick the Rays and explain why to try to comfort his team's wounded fan base and tell them not to worry because the Rays are better ... well screw him! Go Phillies! Ya Gotta Believe because, well you know ... Why Can't Us? Rays are teh suxor Go Phillies!!!!!!1111!!!!!"

And that was just from John Kruk.

Avg. John Kruk IQ=37
Can you beat that score?

Well, Kruk did pick the Phillies to win this series (along with his cohort Steve Phillips), and that tells me that this is a great time to help combat a bad economy and bet your house and your life savings on the Tampa Bay Rays. I mean, if those two are picking the Phillies, that makes the Rays as close to a mortal lock as you can get, no?

I'd leave it at that, except that I now find out that Peter Gammons has also picked the Phillies ... and that worries me because who doesn't like and respect Peter Gammons? So I'm going to step out of my Metstradamus persona, just for a moment, and be an outside observer who has watched more playoff baseball this season than any Met fan should have to endure (I knew all of you wouldn't, so someone had to. I took your bullet ... I took all your bullets.)

Here's the series from my perspective: Look, people who are picking the Phillies point to the bullpens. Yes, overall the Phils have a stronger bullpen right now due to the struggles of Grant Balfour and our old friend Dan Wheeler. Fair. But, for the Rays to be successful in the late innings, it's the lefties that are going to be successful for the Rays to win, and not necessarily the righties. And for the Rays, the lefthanders are pitching some great ball between J.P. Howell (whom I would love to be a Met next year but I know isn't going to happen so don't even get your hopes up kids) and former numero uno draft pick David Price.

People will point to the Game 5 debacle as to why the Rays can't possibly win this series. I point to that game as the reason they will win this series. What Joe Maddon learned during Game 5 is that he blew it not having lefties available to pitch to David Ortiz in the 7th inning of that game (he homered off Balfour) and J.D. Drew in the 8th (he homered off Wheeler), while having Price stuck in his holster. Maddon realized that if Price is on the postseason roster, why not use him ... especially with the 96 mph stuff he has? So in comes Price to close out the ALCS and now the entire planet will realize just how good Price is. He may not be the official closer this series, but if the lineup turns over to Utley, Burrell, Howard in the ninth, you'll see either Price or J.P. Howell ... and Wheeler will save the games where the ninth inning features Pedro Feliz, Carlos Ruiz, and the like. It'll be the quality lefties that will force Charlie Manuel to either empty his bench earlier than he wants to, or be forced to hit Matt Stairs and Greg Dobbs to hit against the Howells and the Prices of the world.

Look at that smirk to your right. Men with smirks that pronounced really outgha be punched. (Boy, Metstradamus ... you've had violent tendencies lately, what's up with that?)

But here's fact: If the Phillies are to have any chance in this series, Cole Hamels needs to pitch three times. As of right now, Hamels is only slated to go in Games 1 and 5. Okay, if you want to flirt with disaster. Because let's lay it out in a nutshell: Cole Hamels is a straight beast. He's their best starter by about 3.5 miles. To not have him available in a Game 7 is murderous especially when you consider how the matchups play out.

Right now, Met-hater Brett Myers is due to pitch in Games 2 and 6 in Tampa. During the playoffs, Myers has been a cult hero for outdueling CC Sabathia, and morphing into Mike Schmidt against the Dodgers. But those games were in Philadelphia. Myers will have to pitch two games on the road where he has a 6.21 ERA and a 1.61 WHIP in 16 road starts this season. To be fair, most of that non-success came before his month long odyssey to find himself in the minors, but even career wise there's a spike in Myers' ERA, WHIP, and opponents average on the road as opposed to home.

I have a feeling that if the Phils find themselves down 2-1 headed into Game 4, they may rethink this and go with Hamels on Sunday. If that happens, we've got a series. But there's a reason that teams with more rest heading into the Series get crushed: Baseball is a game of timing. It's not like football which is a game which is as much about brute strength and force as it is about timing ... that's why top seeds in the NFL have a huge advantage coming off a bye week ... it's essential to be more rested in a game where bumps and bruises are a way of life.

That advantage doesn't exist in baseball, which relies on routine and regular work. The Phillies will head into the Series on six days rest, and now all of a sudden they get thrown into action against Scott Kazmir?

(Pauses to mutter a silent curse under his breath towards Jim Duquette regarding Kazmir.)

Take for example Ryan Howard, who hit a quiet .300 during the LCS, and who is a notoriously slow starter. Now you're asking him to face Scott Kazmir cold. Not an optimal situation for a guy who the Phillies really need to step up.

So my official prediction is Rays in 6. And now I step back into my persona to tell Mets fans that after reading that, it really is okay to come out from your hiding place. It's not going to get any worse. The Curse of William Penn will live on. So it's safe to find seats on the Rays bandwagon (preferably seats that keep us out of the way so that the real Rays fans continue to get prime viewing areas) and watch the Series. And if Rays fans have a problem with that, all I can say is that hey, you owe us one.

After all, we did provide you Kazmir in exchange for a tuna fish sandwich.

Hope Jim Duquette Had A Good Seat

Six innings. Two hits. Three walks. No runs. Game 5 of the ALCS. Craig Sager can't even keep a straight face when asking Chuck Lamar about the engineering the trade with the Mets. But hey, Scott's bullpen blew the game so in some ways, it's like he never left, right?

It's all right though. I'm sure Victor Zambrano did something equally productive baseball-wise today. He traded a Scott Kazmir rookie card for a '67 Corvette. I'll give you one guess as to who was on the other end of that trade.

At least nobody plays baseball tomorrow so there's no chance of something else torturing me ... unless of course Aaron Heilman and Yadier Molina decide to appear at a charity softball game and a ball just happens to bust through my window.

There's Only One October In Hell Too

You do realize of course that participating in this season's World Series will be one of the following options:

• The Phillies
• Guillermo Mota
• Jeff Kent

That's like a choice between being doused in battery acid, drinking a full bottle of Drano, or driving cross-country with Jerome from Manhattan riding shotgun.

Gee, all we need is for their opponent in Game 1 to be Scott Kazmir for it to officially be the World Series from Hell.

I'll tell you one person that the World Series most likely will not include, and that's Frankie Rodriguez ... who, after getting battered in Game 2 of the ALDS, is looking more and more like he'll fit right in here in Flushing.

***

"It wasn't dirty," he said, initially unwilling to discuss the play. "If that was the case, I would've just bowled him over ..." -Shane Victorino after Game 3 vs. the Brewers

Yeah, this was much better than bowling him over.

Mommy I Don't Want To Play With Omar Any More, Omar Cheats!

From the proprietor of the Ketchup On Your Ice Cream blog:

"Don't give up hope ... and if all else fails we could swing a deal to trade for an Orioles pitcher ... it'll probably be Victor Zambrano again though and not Bedard."

Thanks for the attempt to cheer me up. But you see, that's not an option. And you'll love the reason why:

"Baltimore owner Peter Angelos is believed to be averse to trading Bedard to the Mets (assuming the O's can't sign him to an extension) because of the fleecing of John Maine and Jorge Julio for Kris Benson in their previous dealings."

Oh, yeah right. We're the three card monty dealer on the corner who's just going around ripping everybody off. "Ooh, we can't deal with them, they're too smart for us...they're devious!"

Oh stop! This is why nobody goes to freakin' Orioles games any more. Peter Angelos is averse to trading Bedard to the Mets for the same reason he was averse to trading Miguel Tejada to the Orioles for the same reason that he's averse to building a halfway decent baseball franchise that has been run into the ground in the last ten years...because he doesn't have a clue!

Peter, once upon a time our devious underhanded organization was so devious and underhanded, that we traded Scott Kazmir for Victor Zambrano, and Lastings Milledge for a defensive catcher and a journeyman outfielder. But obviously those trades begin to reveal a grand master plan that will only be evident to everyone in about fifty years as we try to take over the world, right?

If we're this great savvy organization when it comes to trades, then you've got problems. Seems to me that you were the guys that misread John Maine's potential. Don't worry, it happens (again...Kazmir.) If we didn't get him, somebody else would have. You threw him in to the Julio deal because you didn't want to throw in Adam Loewen. Omar wanted Loewen, you threw in John Maine. Jim Duquette threw in John Maine...you know, the same guy that traded Kazmir. You hired him after that! And the guy you hired actually succeeded in somewhat returning the favor for the Kazmir trade by throwing in John Maine in the deal. The guy you hired chose to throw him in.

And we're the ones you don't want to deal with?

Is this the reason that "nobody likes the Mets prospects"? Maybe it's a rouse that all the owners in baseball are colluding on. Maybe, just maybe, everyone actually loves the Mets prospects but are so worried that each Mets trade is another brick in the wall of world domination that you're so worried about, that nobody will trade with us because Omar uses his super-secret mind power to trick guys into including middling starting pitchers in their deal only to have him become a star when the leave your team and come to the Mets. Yeah, that has to be...because it's been like that for years.

You don't want to trade Erik Bedard to the Mets, fine. See if I care. Nobody is trading an ace to the Mets these days anyway. But don't hide behind your own stupidity stemming from trading John Maine for Anna Benson. "Ooh, they fleeced us! Mommy!!!" Stop it! Just stop it!

Excuse me while my eyes roll so fast that I used them to bowl a 300 at the latest PBA event.

Ghosts Return

As if I need more things to haunt me this winter, Metsblog alerts us to this great news:

The trade market opens in earnest today with the start of the annual GM Meetings. Already, executives are talking about the potential for stars as big as Minnesota ace Johan Santana and Florida slugger Miguel Cabrera becoming available.

But it might just start there. An executive familiar with Tampa's thinking said if the offers for Santana grow to a substantial level, then the Rays would test to see what they could get for Scott Kazmir.

The thinking is that because Kazmir is three years from free agency as opposed to one year for Santana, he might bring nearly as much in return.

The Rays need multiple high-end pitchers, and Kazmir, just about to enter arbitration eligibility for the first time, might be too expensive and ready to depart just as Tampa is projecting contention in two to three years.

How comical would it be if the Mets, with their No. 1 need being a No. 1 starter, found themselves trying to trade for Kazmir 3½ seasons after getting Victor Zambrano for him?

Yeah. That's really funny. It's so funny I want to cry my eyes out. And it's funny because you can count on me to be at Gerry Hunsicker's doorstep offering everything short of a lifetime subscription to Field & Stream to make this happen. Yeah, I know. I should want nothing to do with Scott Kazmir just for the bad feng shui he's caused in our lives just by being traded in the worst trade in baseball history (yeah, I said it...the worst!)

But so what if the Mets have to pay ten times the value they got for Kazmir in the first place (what do you get when you multiply ten by a negative number, anyway?) What, you're scared that the Wilpon's would admit that they made a mistake by trading him in the first place? The free world already knows that the Mets made a mistake!!! If you were to tell a person from New Zealand that you were a Mets fan, they cringe and say "Ooooh, Scott Kazmir." That's how widely known how much of a colossal vapor lock that trade was.

So now he may be available and we want to stick our heads in the sand? I know it's a pipe dream, but let's give Gerry Hunsicker everything short of the kitchen sink and the dirty water filled hot dog carts. Besides, do you really want the Yankees to trade for Scott Kazmir? No no, think about it: do you want to live in a world where Scott Kazmir is wearing Yankee pinstripes?

I know I don't.

C'mon Omar, have some guts and do it. You know you want to see a rotation of Kazmir, John Maine, Oliver Perez, Pedro Martinez and...well, everyone who could be that fifth starter will probably be traded to get Kazmir so...Brian Lawrence, anyone? Anybody? Jose Lima?

Victor Zambrano? Hey, why not, he's available.

(Meanwhile, there's somebody out there reading this after breathing in some second hand weed, and he's freaking out right now. He's running around in his underwear screaming about the time-space continuum being out of whack or something.)

C'mon, Omar. Let's make this week's GM meetings fun! I mean, there's barely anything going on at your meetings...well, besides Paul Lo Duca wandering around following Freddie begging to be re-signed.

I Want A New Drug

Folks, I'm not making this up:

Do you have a really bad memory, or past heartache, that you would prefer to forget?

Researchers at Harvard and McGill University (in Montreal) are working on an amnesia drug that blocks or deletes bad memories. The technique seems to allow psychiatrists to disrupt the biochemical pathways that allow a memory to be recalled.

In a new study, published in the Journal of Psychiatric Research, the drug propranolol is used along with therapy to "dampen" memories of trauma victims. They treated 19 accident or rape victims for ten days, during which the patients were asked to describe their memories of the traumatic event that had happened 10 years earlier. Some patients were given the drug, which is also used to treat amnesia, while others were given a placebo.

A week later, they found that patients given the drug showed fewer signs of stress when recalling their trauma.

Great! Give me one family size bottle full of that...I have a list of things that I would prefer to forget. Let's start with Tuesday night.

Yeah, let's start with the game that featured the first five hit game in the career of Kaz Matsui. Yes, that Kaz Matsui...who let loose with this gem after the game:

"It's all about New York," Matsui said of playing the Mets and Yankees, who the Rockies swept in a three-game series last month. "New York is center stage and the place everyone is aware of and watches."

Now he gets it. Great. Too bad he didn't figure that minor detail out when he actually played in a uniform that read "New York" across his chest. Thanks for figuring that out as soon as you got to Colorado so you get get five hits against the team from New York.

But really, shame on me for not seeing this coming...or seeing this coming and intentionally blocking it out of my mind. Is there a drug that will repress visions of former Mets haunting us with five-hit games in the future? When are the Montreal geniuses going to come up with that, eh? And if these guys are so smart, how come they couldn't come up with a drug that encouraged people to attend Expos games?

And maybe I did see the Jason Vargas disaster coming. And I was hoping against hope that I wouldn't come home, flip on the television, and have Vargas being lifted from the game the first thing I saw on my television screen. I mean, I didn't come home that much past the 8PM start time. But that's exactly what I saw. It was like paying $50 for a Mike Tyson fight on pay per view and getting up for a snack and missing the entire fight. I come home, wondering how Jason Vargas is doing, and I missed his entire outing! It's like Vargas was Michael Spinks...or Glass Joe!

This game was a lemon...and I want my money back. I want my money back so I can buy some of those drugs that will help me forget this game.

Maybe yesterday too.

And the first half of June.

And Adam Wainwright.

And the Kazmir trade.

And 1993.

And Don Aase.

You know, I'm going to need a second bottle of those pills...

Balk Balk! Like The Chicken You Are!

The real Carlos Delgado is back. The one we all know and love.

The real Armando Benitez is also back. The one we all know and love...to hate.

Combine the two, and you have a recipe for a sweet night. And oh, how sweet it is.

Sometimes, karma lies dormant for a while. We had all hoped for this the minute Armando left the Mets...hoped for the Mets to have his number from the start. Instead, he went 12-for-12 in save opportunities against the Flushing Nine in 2004, and we all wondered what the Mets did to deserve that.

Oh that's right, they hired Art Howe, signed Shane Spencer and Karim Garcia instead of Vladimir Guerrero, and traded Scott Kazmir for Victor Zambrano. Now I remember.

But that bit of karma has been in someone's hip pocket for a long time, just waiting for the right time to be played. And between Lastings Milledge, and a gaggle of walks, it has indeed been well played over the past couple of seasons. But if there was a quintessential way to defeat the man we affectionately call "Blow-nitez", two balks and a walk-off bomb by Diesel was it. Especially after Armando threw his infield under the bus after a recent game against the Rockies:

"I'm doing my job, I got three groundballs and what happened?" Benitez asked. "We had an opportunity to win the game. How many times we got somebody on base and nobody moved him? Somebody had to pay and the person that paid was me. He hit a good pitch, a slider away, and a sinker."

Amazing that when it's someone else's fault, our friend Benitez is willing to expound to reporters afterwards. Not like when he was here right?

Oh, here's Armando's pearl of wisdom tonight...after he had nobody to blame but himself:

"I lost the game."

Yes, you most certainly did. Here's what Omar Vizquel should have said afterwards:

"I'm doing my job, I dive and rob Julio Franco of the game winning hit in the ninth, and Kevin Frandsen makes a great play on the barehand stab of my flip and what happened?" Vizquel asked. "We had an opportunity to win the game. How many times we got somebody on base and nobody balked him all the way home in the first eleven innings? Somebody had to pay and the person that paid was me."

Maybe Vizquel can put that in his next book whenever he decides he wants to piss off another teammate.

Tonight, for the first time since his departure, I can truly say I'll miss Armando Benitez when he leaves Shea Stadium. I'll miss his karma.

***

Speaking of members of the Hall of Hate, I had high hopes for one of them today, as Mike Francesa started out the "Mike and the Mad Dog" show at Shea Stadium by warning about revisionist history regarding Roger Clemens, and how people are making him out to be this savior after making his appearance in the owner's box at Yankee Stadium announcing his comeback. And how Clemens has never been a savior in his Yankee history, only a mercenary.

Loved it. Francesa was making sense.

Then, inevitably of course, he blew it.

Somehow, of course, he and his partner Russo called Met fans hypocrites for booing Barry Bonds and holding protests while cheering Guillermo Mota.

To clarify, Mr. Francesa, a group of fans at Boycott Barry organized the protests with the blindfolds. Somehow, Francesa associated this with "the Met fan" as Francesa liked to refer to us as repeatedly, as our protest. It wasn't our protest. The fans in the park on Tuesday played along (as evidenced by the crowd being somewhat subdued until Bonds came to the plate in the tenth), but it certainly wasn't organized by Mets fans. But hey, why let a little research get in the way of painting "the Met fan" with a broad brush.

And by the way, if you gentlemen are going to get on "the Met fan" for cheering Guillermo Mota upon his return (and if you see the small sample on my current poll question, it's basically split down the middle between cheers and boos...although I'm surprised more people didn't click the chicken and beer option), then "let's be fair", as you like to say Chris, and get "the Giant fan" for cheering Barry Bonds the way they do. Why not get on them, even though Giants fans actually have good reason to love him, because steroids or not, he saved your franchise from being moved to Tampa Bay in the early nineties.

Go ahead Chris, be fair.

Oh who am I kidding, this is a guy who's good friend Mike North got a shot at the Imus time slot on Tuesday morning, and according to someone who actually heard his show this morning, responded by calling the Mets "red-headed stepchildren". In reasoning that only proves that he's Russo's friend, since the Yankees got all the coverage in the morning newspaper, while the Mets got none, "nobody cares about the Mets."

...

...

THE METS DIDN'T PLAY ON MONDAY THAT'S WHY THEY WEREN'T IN THE NEWSPAPER YOU NASAL DISCHARGE!!!

I know, I shouldn't care what any of these people say or do, but I can't help myself. Watching these guys are like a drug, or a relationship that's a bad idea but somehow you can't break free from. Besides, restraint is no fun...for me, or for you.