Monday, September 17, 2007

What A Joke!

So there's this kid, right? He's in divorce court, stuck in the middle of an intense custody battle between his parents. After hours upon hours and days upon days, the judge finally asks the child his preferences.

"Do you want to stay with your mother" asks the judge...

"No", the kid says, "my mom hits me."

"So you want to stay with your father" the judge presumes.

"No", repeats the kid, "my dad hits me."

"Is there anyone that you would prefer to stay with" the judge asks.

The kid ponders the question for a moment, and finally responds: "I want to stay with Guillermo Mota...he can't hit an outside corner to save his life."

***

I guess the Cialis that Guillermo Mota took to offset the effects of those steroids wound up straightening out his fastball instead.

***

How do you keep Guillermo Mota in his house at night? Paint a strike zone in front of the welcome mat. He'll never even come close to it.

***

Here's another joke for you: Why can't the Mets beat Philadelphia?

I don't know. But I know why Guillermo Mota can't beat Philadelphia.

Because he can't beat an egg much less a major league baseball team!

Why oh why must this experiment continue? Why? Finally...FINALLY, a Met gets a clutch hit against Adam Eaton to tie the game and give the Mets some life against their new nemesis, the Phillies. So who gets entrusted with this new life in the sixth inning?

Why it's Guillermo Mota...murderer of new life.

That sixth inning wasn't baseball. That was a snuff film. Because all that is decent died. Jorge Sosa wasn't much better. But my goodness, MacGyver can only do so much with a straw, a rubber band, and a paper clip. You give those things to a Met reliever now a days he'll poke his eye out.

How many walks was it? Ten? Eleven? Fifty-eight? Ollie Perez certainly picked a fine time to pretend it was April with six walks of his own. But for crying out loud, only two of his five runs were earned. I know it's always sunny in Philadelphia, but was it that sunny that Moises Alou could go and drop an easy fly ball?

And Jose Reyes should really consider discontinuing his pregame ritual of dipping his hands in the industrial size can of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter." (And if he refuses to do that, he should at least stop wiping his hands on Luis Castillo halfway through the game.)

And what was wrong with this guy:

That's Kevin Mulvey in the suit. He's the minor league pitcher of the year. He had a uniform. Why couldn't he pitch? OK, so maybe he didn't have the right uniform pattern, but damn...seeing Guillermo Mota emerge from the bullpen is like craving blood and seeing a string of garlic. I'd rather see Kevin Mulvey...or Kevin Kobel...or my cat come out of the bullpen. Where have you gone, Ed Glynn?

Could that be it? Could Mota have just simply switched drugs?

(Editor's note, in no way am I insinuating that Guillermo Mota smokes dope. It is merely a metaphor for my secret desire to smoke dope and forget that the past weekend ever happened. However, taking drugs do not make your problems go away, kids. Creative, gutsy, and necessary roster moves, however, do. Hint...hint?)

9 comments:

Mike said...

The Mota Thing™ is a complete head-scratcher. I really don't get it.

His ERA is over 6, for cryin out loud. And his ERA in his last half season in Cleveland? Over 6.

I. Don't. Get. It.

elliot said...

You don't have to be Einstein to figure out that trotting Mota out over and over again is a recipe for disaster. Oh, wait - maybe you do:

"Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results"

Albert Einstein (attributed to Ben Franklin too)

Anonymous said...

I admire yur ability to make light of the situation....I'm usually quite witty, but....I actually broke out into tears when Beltran hit the home run (happy tears)....I mistakenly took that as a sign that the clouds had lifted....the jinx had finally been broken....alas.....Mota's like the black hole that captures all light.

Unser said...

I was reminded of Doug Sisk yesterday. The only difference is Sisk, after walking the bases loaded, would usually induce a double play ball, and then wind up as the winning pitcher.

If yesterday's game was not the last straw for Mota, and maybe even Sosa, then I'm at a complete loss as to what the heck Willie is doing with that 'pen.

This bullpen is just awful. Can anyone in there throw a strike?!? If I'm Willie, I'm trying out Pelfrey and Smith the rest of the way.

Imagine a post season game, Mets up 4-2, Glavine or Pedro exits after 6 innings. Anyone have faith in our pen as its currently comprised? Didn't think so.

guerrilla::words said...

Don't know if you mentioned it but FYI: MOTA In Mexican Slang is another word for Marijuana.

Reference movies like La Bamba where Esai Morales plays Richie Valens Brother Bob:
"You need some more Mota in your love life!"

I was once addicted to Mexican Cholo movies. i.e. Blood In Blood Out, American Me, Mi Vida Loca etc.

From Mota's suspension from last year, that still runs through my brain.

With Oliver Perez being of Mexican descent, I'm wondering if that went through his mind too...

kyle in newport news said...

Here's another one: Why do the ladies shy away from Guillermo Mota? Because they just want someone to hold.

FANTASIE RYCK said...

mr. stradamus- your bitter truths ease my pain.

i'm sure you'll hit new heights after tonight's failure typhoon in the District. I'm exploring new and creative forms of profanity, myself.

Demitri said...

in the 7th of tonight mets nationals game - I started watching "Moonraker" dubbed in Spanish- at least that was more less pathetic than the Mets (3 more errors tonight)

adam said...

I think i know the answer to Willie's Mota issues. Seriously. I think that just like Julio Franco, Mota is one of Omar's guys, and he stuck Willie with him - for two years.

So now, just like Franco, Willie's gonna keep sending him out there to fail. In fact, listening to Willie say stuff like "he's got the best stuff in our 'pen. We're gonna keep using him until he straightens it out..." you can almost hear Omar's voice.

I bet that Willie lobbied against signing him this year after the steroids issue (and his awful postseason) yet Omar gave him a two year deal. Why, exactly would Omar give the guy two years? Cuz he's apparently one of "Omar's guys."

Sending him out there again and again in key spots is Willie's way of sticking it to his boss.

I'm telling ya this... and I like Omar - and I'm no huge Randolph fan - but that's what's going on here.