Get Out The Swiffer Wet Jets

So last week, the Mets were on ESPN Sunday Night Baseball. Yesterday, the Mets were also on ESPN. And next week, the Mets play under the lights on Sunday for the third week in a row. Throw in two Monday Night Baseball appearances in that span (including another one tonight) and the country gets a steady diet of the big, bad over .500 Metropolitans from New York in April.

No wonder the terrorists want to kill us.

Joe Beningo reasons that this is because nobody wants to take a chance presenting our favorite team to the country in August and September. That's comforting. (Here's what else is comforting: Does it worry anybody else that it took an act of God to get the bullpen some rest? Raul Valdez must have summoned up some rain gods with the one pitch he threw in the sixth before the skies opened up.) But if Mike Pelfrey keeps pitching shutout ball without his best stuff then the World Wide Leader might regret making the Mets "April's Team".

After a rain soaked sweep of the Braves, the Mets are now 10-9 which is no small feat after a 4-8 start (and if you'll notice, the entire National League is just four games apart from first to last.) Who do we have to thank for this sweep? Jeff Francoeur, of course. Why? For making sure that Larry Jones (one hit and three sloppy plays this series), Jason Heyward (1 hit and 4 K's this series), and Brian McCann (infield fly vapor lock) got to the ballpark. I doubt we'll start calling him "Limo Larry" (send a limousine to make sure he gets to the park) anytime soon, but Frenchy did well to make sure these guys were present and accounted for.

And for those who don't take kindly to fraternizing with the enemy (like me), what's more dangerous: befriending Braves, or befriending aliens? With all due respect, Stephen Hawking never played against the Cardinals in the 80's.

Low & Slow

With Jeff Francoeur mired into an 0-for-18 slump heading into Wednesday night, and David Wright slumping worse than Julian Tavarez in a singles bar, it was time for Howard Johnson to organize another one of those barbecues. They worked so well on Francoeur at the beginning of the season that the boys ordered out from Hill Country BBQ in the city.

Problem was ... the BBQ was delivered to the wrong clubhouse. And Carlos Silva ate it all. To make matters worse, barbecue for Silva is like spinach for Popeye. How else could Silva give up only two hits and two walks in six innings? That's right ... lots of meat. And chicken.

And macaroni and cheese.

What? It can't be because the Mets' lineup has the consistency of runny eggs. Nah, I refuse to believe that.

Worst part is, now Snoop's postgame newsers are like watching an ant drown in honey thrashing his arms around begging for a life raft (enjoying the food references?) hoping the right answer will turn on a faucet full of runs. Last night, he talked about breaking up Frenchy (now 0-for-22) and Jason Bay like they were troublemakers throwing firecrackers at a fourth grade ballet recital. You know what that means ... that's right. First lefty stick with a high strikeout rate gets a job in the middle of the order. Line forms to the left. Woo hoo!

Can't we blame Oliver Perez for this? It's so much more fun when it's Ollie's fault. I mean, he wasn't that great, but he wasn't that much worse than what Jon Niese was the other night. He didn't completely implode, and he didn't hang himself with his own intestines on the mound. So that in itself is a moral victory.

No, I can't in good conscience lay false blame. The Mets lineup would do better to stride to the plate and try to hit Silva with a side of beef.

Hit this, Bluto.

Stimulating

It had to be a long, long day for Ike "The Stimulus" Davis. At 11AM Monday morning, he's batting cleanup for the Bisons.

(Editor's note: Isn't the plural of "Bison" just plain "Bison"? I mean, you spend money on a minor league jersey and it prominently displays bad grammar? What are we teaching our young players? What are we teaching the youth of America? Oh well, if you can have a grammatically incorrect professional team like the Maple Leafs, who really should be the Maple Leaves, then I guess you can have Bisons. Okay, I'm done.)

As I was saying before I rudely interrupted myself:

At 11AM Monday morning, Ike Davis is batting cleanup for the Bison for a 1:00 start. His day ends as the sixth hitter for the New York Mets in a game that ended with two hits, a run knocked in, and a pie in the face from Jeff Francoeur at about a quarter past ten. I go that long without a nap and I get cranky. I'm sure the last thing that The Stimulus is feeling is cranky.

You can't get much better than two hits and a pie in your major league debut. Hell the pie was probably the first true smile that Met fans have had in a long, long time (I don't count that Nelson Figueroa pie last season ... that was more of a "thank God this abortion of a season is finally finished" pie.) But as "feel-good" as it was, this may have been the pie that made pies passe. Think about it, if Stimulus knew the pie was coming five seconds before it actually hit him, then that means the pie has become way too predictable. Either that, or Francoeur has become way too predictable.

Dousing him with the grounds keeper's hose ... now that's a postgame celebration, my friends.

But seriously, it isn't like that pie was Ike's introduction to Frenchy. Jeff was all over him all pregame with smiles and hugs as that's obviously a relationship that has blossomed this spring. At least Davis has somebody that will show him the ropes and teach him not so much how to play baseball, but how to be a major leaguer. That's an advantage for Davis. And with Frenchy only being three years older than Stimulus, they can discuss similar things like God O' War 3, Beavis and Butthead, and Ultimate Fighting. Eventually, these are the guys that are going to bring back the hotfoot. And Howard Johnson can sure as hell coach that.

Oh yeah, there's the matter of how Davis actually played.

They kept talking about John Olerud. Olerud in 1999 helped make probably the most perfectly constructed lineup that the Mets have had. Not the best, or most productive lineup, mind you ... but the construction of it was classic from 2-5 with Alfonzo, Olerud, Piazza, and Ventura. Lefty, righty, lefty, righty, all prototypes of what those batting slots should have. Ironically, what that lineup probably could have used was a guy like Frenchy batting sixth (too bad he was only 15 years old at the time.) And it's that construction that has obviously spoiled Snoop Manuel as he's tried to make Mike Jacobs into Robin Ventura by batting him fourth and fifth all season. (Ventura once hit a grand slam single ... Jacobs once had a grand slam breakfast at Denny's. Similarities end there.)

If Davis is anywhere near Olerud, I think we'd take that ... at least until he goes 0-for-10 against the Phillies, then we'll start complaining again. But there was a shade of Olerud in his game tonight. The long reach. The sweet classic lefty swing. And in the seventh inning, the ability to hang in on a curveball to ground it into center field after getting pushed off the plate by an inside curveball the pitch before. That's usually the benchmark in whether a rook is ready, how he responds to that. Davis did well. He stepped in the bucket a little bit on that pitch, so he has a ways to go. But he didn't look completely overmatched. As we move forward the next two weeks, that could change. He'll see Carlos Zambrano. He may see Derek Lowe or Tim Hudson. He may see Jonathan Broxton. All vets with either a clue, or with unbelievable stuff. We'll see what The Stimulus can create out of that the next week or so.

The best thing to happen on Ike's first night in the majors was that the night ended. Now, Davis can be a major league ballplayer instead of the looming savior that he has been made out to be since spring training ended. Having to hear about LeBron James every day for the six months leading up to his NBA debut and then having the entire day of James' debut be dedicated to a guy who had never played a professional athletic competition in his life drove me absolutely nuts. For crying out loud his nickname was "King" and he had done nothing except dunk on a bunch of 15-year-olds a foot shorter than him. That kind of lead-up and hype drives me unbelievably insane. But the best part of James' debut was that from that moment on, he was an NBA player, like every other NBA player. Now that he's among the best if not the best that the NBA has to offer, he deserves all the hype he gets.

My disclaimer here is that I'm not, repeat: not comparing Ike Davis to LeBron James or his baseball equivalent. But the hype that Davis was getting was morphing into a local version of the national attention that LeBron got. Between Mike Francesa doing an entire segment devoted to Ike Davis on his show every day to the constant mentions of his call up during the pre-game show to having hoards of media surrounding him when he steps out of the dugout can be a little much. Perhaps it was that hype that pushed the Mets to call him up in the first place. But now that he's played his first game, all that stops. He can now be a major leaguer instead of a mythical creature. (I guess you can say the Mets released the Kraken.) That can only be good for him as he can now put smiles on our faces for his production with the Mets, rather than put agita in your coffee cup for the things he was doing in Buffalo.

It'll be fun watching him take the next step in his career ... such as what Jon Niese did tonight. Niese wasn't dominating as he gave up eight hits and walked three in his 5 and 2/3's tonight. But what he did was get himself in trouble, and then get himself out of trouble by coming after guys and being aggressive. He wasn't scared of throwing any of his pitches, whether they be heat or off-speed, in the strike zone. Now you might say that it's a trait that only makes him better than say, Alay Soler, and you would be right. But what Niese showed Monday is that while he's going to have those struggles as he did against Colorado, he's also going to have those games where he's going to battle and give you good innings. And that those games might out-number the struggles if only by a little. From Niese, that's all you can ask for. He's also got a ways to go, but he took a step forward.

Oh, and Angel Pagan hit a big home run. It's an opportunity to tell you that when I was in Washington last season, a few Mets were kind enough to sign a baseball for me. Angel Pagan was signing too, right before the game. He had to get to the dugout as the anthem was done and he was leading off the game. But he said "I've got time for one more." Standing near him was me ... and a nine-year-old girl.

I just walked away. That's a war I can't win.

This One Cuts Deep

This is what happens when Raul Valdez's glass slipper breaks.

Well now the season is truly underway, isn't it? Now that the Mets have had their first true kick in the stomach, we're now officially wading waist deep into the season. There's no turning back to shore now. It's onward to the ocean floor without a life raft.

For me, I think we're now starting to see how a front office and a manager can lose ballgames. Omar Minaya, bless his heart, having been hamstrung by ownership's budget, couldn't bring in a quality lefty for the bullpen to complement Pedro Feliciano. Instead, he borrows one from the Mexican league. Nobody, not even Gary Cohen had heard of Raul Valdez when he made his spring training debut in mid-March. Despite that fact, he made the Mets roster ... which tells you something about how easy it must have been to make the roster.

But when you keep relying on Mexican league castoffs when your ace bullpen lefty looks like death, you're going to get burned more often than you should in a 162 game season. You aren't going to be burned all time time, but in a league where the difference in talent can come down to a few pitches here and there (like the one Valdez threw to Felipe Lopez for the deciding grand slam), you will be burned enough times to make the difference between being in contention for a wild-card spot, and battling the Nationals for fourth place. This is why the Phillies can survive injuries to Jimmy Rollins, Joe Blanton, J.C. Romero and Brad Lidge and go 8-2, while the Mets have Raul Valdez.

Also, when you consistently rely on the likes of Mike Jacobs and Fernando Tatis, you will be burned. But when Jacobs is placed higher in the order than the white hot Jeff Francoeur by the manager, then there's plenty of flame to go around. Jacobs ended the Mets' first inning rally with a strikeout with Frenchy on deck. Then, with Dennys Reyes coming in to face Jacobs in the all important eighth inning rally, Tatis comes up to pinch hit and he strikes out. The alternative would have been Frenchy batting in that spot and facing the righty, Blake Hawksworth.

(Wait a second ... Blake Hawksworth??? Come on. That's not a real person. That was the name of a villian in "Spenser: For Hire". Or Joan Collins' love interest in "Dynasty". Or a Peter Griffin muse in "Family Guy". I mean, are the Mets this bad that they can't muster up a rally against a fictional character???)

Now don't get me wrong. Ultimately, it's players who win or lose ballgames. I believed it when Willie Randolph was making questionable moves/non-moves with the bullpen, and I believe it now. But the people in charge aren't helping any. Friday night was proof.

The shame of it all was that the good Oliver Perez actually showed up to the ballpark tonight. We haven't seen Good Ollie for a long time! For all we know Good Ollie was on a Himalayan expedition since 2008. And this is how he gets treated upon his return? He'll never come back after this. He was shaky in the first couple of innings (walking the immortal Allen Craig in the first inning with first base open and some guy named Pujols on deck had me inventing new curse words) but finished brilliantly. Oliver Perez did this.

And yet, the fruit of his labor was the pumpkin that Raul Valdez's limousine turned into before midnight could cast it's shadow on St. Louis. It was so bad that I wanted to vomit voluntarily ... but there wasn't an 11-year-old in the immediate area so I passed.

They're Not Power Guys

So, which one is Canseco and which one is McGwire? I can't tell.

I guess this is what Snoop meant when he said "they're not power guys but they can hit the ball out of the ballpark." I guess that means that Jeff Francoeur and Rod Barajas aren't "power guys". But perhaps they now qualify as being "hot at the same time", making Snoop a smart man and a good manager as both Frenchy and Roddy (let's work on a nick name for our catcher, shall we) hit two bombs to ice an 8-2 win over the Nationals, proving once and for all that it's not the ballpark at all.

(All right, except for maybe David Wright, who was in his home run trot on a ball that hit the wall in left field and really should learn to haul ass out of the box until the ball lands in somebody's beer. I mean, didn't training with "The Situation" teach him anything besides how to hit somebody in the stomach with a bat? Okay, off the soapbox.)

The development that not only tastes good but is good for you is Mike Pelfrey's line, a stress relieving two runs in six innings. Four walks? A bit much. But not if you could have two runs in six innings every time out. We all could use Pelfrey to blossom into the number two starter we're not sure he'll ever be. I myself could use Pelfrey to prove me right for once in my life. I suspect we'll get our answer either way by the end of this season. My vote is for yes, but what do I know?

Friendly Reminders And Bird Poop

I'm not here to push the panic button. Not on April 8th. But know that it's always close by.

It's close by because of the reminders we received on April 7th.

Reminder number one: John Maine is your second starter.

You know, maybe John Lackey wouldn't have come to New York even if Omar Minaya/Jeff Wilpon did give him the hard sell. Most likely, it was Boston or bust for Lackey regardless of what Minaya came with. I understand this, trust me. But when I see Maine reach the 60 pitch count in the third inning with only about half of the chucks being strikes while checking the scoreboard and seeing that Lackey is twirling six shutout innings against the Yankees, I want to do my Maine imitation and puke.

Reminder number two: Jenrry Mejia is twenty years old.

He's not ready. He's not ready. He's not ready. I'll hold to that like a warm blanket. But if even he is ready ... are sixth inning appearances down by three runs what we have to look forward to? Is this why Snoop and Omar rushed him and his 97 mph fastball? To get hit hard by the bottom of the Marlins lineup to mop up after the latest starting pitching fiasco?

Reminder number three: Sean Green is no Chad Bradford.

Chad Bradford went through 62 innings in 2006 only giving up one home run as a Met. Of course it was a walk-off, but that's a small detail. Sean Green's Chad Bradford imitation only needed two batters to give up his first home run of the season. Yeah, this submariney thing is going to work out just fine.

Reminder number four: Sometimes, irony is not your friend.

Snoop liked Hisanori Takahashi because he threw strikes. What does he do in his major league debut in the tenth inning? Go 2-0 on Wes Helms, of course. Then goes 2-1 on a batter who's trying to bunt Wes Helms over before taking the loss in the tenth. Even when the Mets do the right thing, the dice come up snake eyes.

And even when the Mets shake off a wild pitch that results in the third out of the seventh inning while David Wright was up with the bases loaded (on a questionable baserunning play by Fernando Tatis, it should be noted for posterity) to come back and tie the game in the eighth, the Mets roll craps. Think about this: the team wasted a Jeff Francoeur walk during the eighth inning rally after being down 0-2. A Jeff Francoeur walk!!! His second of the season! Although I have to tell you, Frenchy walking is kinda reminiscent of an acid trip.


Yeah, kinda like that.

Maybe Frenchy has two walks because he finally realized that they do, in fact, put your OBP on the scoreboard.


Hey, whatever works.

Speaking of working, here's something that's not working: that bird misting thing they're trying.

Bird Doctor was contacted by Citi Field as a proactive measure to prevent birds such as pigeons from taking up residence in the new stadium. Installing the new Bird Control Misting system will help keep maintenance costs down, while maintaining the overall appearance and cleanliness of the stadium. Maintenance costs can soar if weekly cleanup of bird droppings is required; bird droppings are unsightly and can transmit disease.

Umm, well check out what diseases I saw transmitted tonight (besides the ones I contracted from watching the ten inning debacle) ...



Y'know it's not like the Mets don't have enough problems with the human doctors ... the bird doctors aren't going to cooperate either?

Knocking Tradition Off Its Axis

Apparently, the news of Jose Reyes' imminent return has sent the planet into a frenzy. Something isn't right. First, the Mets do something sensible and send Ike Davis to the minors for his final bit of seasoning ...

Then, the Mets change the name of the spring training stadium in the middle of a game, making poor Gary Cohen announce the name change in the middle innings which clearly distracted Sean Green into thinking he was at Tradition Field when he was actually at Digital Domain Park throwing his latest train wreck of an inning ...

But the best proof that the world has gone insane is that during Tuesday's game, Jeff Francoeur walked ...

Twice!

I know, I know, Reyes' return distracted damn near everyone. Especially Oliver Perez, who's Tuesday outing was so stellar he had to be rescued by some guy named Raul Valdez ... who wore number 96, had no name on his jersey, and had Cohen scrambling to execute a Google search for information on him.

Luckily, chasing Perez around Digital Domain Park with a bat to scare him into throwing strikes is considered a baseball related activity. So get to it, Jose. And scare the crap out of Pelfrey and Maine too while you're at it.

***

"If we have a crisis or something over there, I would have no problem with Ike Davis being part of a championship season." -Snoop

After which the champagne will taste really sweet, right?

(Bangs head against wall)

And The Real Estate Is Cheaper

So I guess the question now is this: When does that Fernando Martinez for Yorvit Torrealba trade happen?

"When [Carlos] Beltran had surgery, I thought I had a chance, and maybe they would give me a chance at center. But they get Matthews Jr., and now I'm not sure where I am. I just can't give up. I know I'm a big league player, and I can perform at a high level. It's in my hands, so I have to keep working hard and maybe earn a spot. Maybe I make it to the big leagues with the Mets or maybe another team, but I know I can do it. I just have to keep working and waiting for my opportunity." -Fernando Martinez

Dude ... May I call you dude? You're only 21 years young, you were on the interstate in your time up here, and you haven't proven you can put a full season together without pulling ... anything. So dude, calm down a tad.

But once again, the Mets have seen a super-duper prospect's trade value dip before he could be traded for a guy like Matt Holliday or the like (see: Milledge, L.) The problem is: With Bay, Beltran and Frenchy (not to mention Corporal Matthews) blocking the entrance, the only way Martinez's value rises is if he hits .450 in Buffalo (good luck with that), or depend on another injury to vault back in the majors and hit a couple of moon shots into the Pepsi Porch. Part of it is the general practice of rushing their prospects through the lower levels. Part of it ... plain bad luck with injuries forcing him up to the majors before his time. But it lends itself to that whole "least efficient team in baseball" reputation in a new and different way.

So who are the Mets going to get for the guy they wouldn't trade for Johan Santana, Matt Holliday, or anybody else?

And when will Martinez become a mere Mets trivia question?

What Have You Learned? Jeff Francoeur

What Have You Learned is our very special off-season series that will outline what you've learned, what I've learned, and hopefully what the 2009 Mets have learned about themselves, others, and 2010. Today, we investigate whether Jeff Francoeur has really turned the corner, whether this is all part of his evil plan as a spy for the Braves, and my new quest to win a Nobel Peace Prize.

I've often thought about how I'm going to make my mark on this world. Should I write a book? Build a better mouse trap? Develop a seed that makes broccoli taste like cinnamon, thus combining health with great taste? Then, President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize:

"I will accept this award as a call to action -- a call for all nations to confront the common challenges of the 21st century."

The President, with that speech, has inspired me to create a path towards my own Nobel Peace Prize ... and this is how I'm going to do it:

I'm going to bring the sabermetric guys and the scout types together.

If that's not a common challenge of the 21st century, I don't know what is.

And I'm not just talking about locking Theo Epstein and Omar Minaya in a room until they sing Kumbaya together (or until their eyes bleed, one or the other). I'm living on a grander scale. I want to bring everyone together, and make the baseball landscape one big Coca-Cola commercial. It's not going to happen in one post, it's going to take time. But it's going to be my life's mission. Because I want that Nobel Prize, dammit (can you win a Nobel Peace Prize if you say "dammit" all the time?)

It seems like y'all are for one or the other. And I think we can have both. If we had been so resistant to progress back in the fifties, we'd never have created the heaven we know today as Reeses Peanut Butter Cups because combining chocolate and peanut butter would have been akin to raising the dead with pagan rituals. And it's going to take the next genius GM to figure out what the right balance is between the batting eyes and the free swingers. Billy Beane brought us OPS. Then the landscape was changed with UZR. The next stat isn't going to be a stat at all ... it's going to be the one who figures out how to integrate everything including OPS, UZR, flat speed, straight slugging, and yes ... grit and heart (don't worry, I'll never become so blinded in my quest to win a Nobel Prize by ever suggesting this team signs David Eckstein), to build a better baseball team. The balance may not be 50/50 between the stats and the scouts. In fact it'll probably be closer to 78/22 or something. But the right balance will dominate for years.

What does this have to do with Jeff Francoeur? Everything. The three polarizing figures of the stats vs. scouts war are Francoeur, Adam Dunn, and Juan Pierre. Dunn and Pierre are probably the polar opposites in terms of how they're valued, yet the ironic thing is that both players can be of help to the Mets in different capacities. The Mets might need somebody like Pierre to cover the massive amount of ground at Citi Cave, but he doesn't walk. Dunn is a power hitter who walks a ton. But he also strikes out a ton and has as much range as a statue. Too bad you can't call in Dr. Alphonse Mephisto to splice their genes and make one super player that has defensive range and walks a lot ... although with the Mets medical luck, they'd hire a cheaper doctor to create a player who can't move, strikes out 215 times a year and has the batting eye of Mr. Magoo. (Think Dave Kingman ... 1982.)

So what have we learned about Frenchy, the third polarizing player? First off, I can't discount the fact that he's taken to New York quite well, and threw everything he had a smile on his face. On the 2009 Mets, a year where he's hit into a game ending triple play, and a game ending lucky stab by Mike McDougal, that's no small feat. When the trade was made, I thought Francoeur would be miserable going to a big city, going to a rival, and away from his hometown. It was the opposite. No doubt in my mind that put him in the right frame of mind to pick up his game. Amazing what you can accomplish when you're happy. Remember the Robby Alomar years, when he was clearly not happy as a Met? Didn't work out so well, did it?

And I was dead wrong about him in that I thought '09 would be dreadful, and '10 would bring us the new improved Jeff Francoeur. Instead, his '09 as a Met was as good as it could have been. If that was the sugar rush of a new team, much like the last part of '08 was attributed to that new manager smell, is it all downhill from here? If we have indeed seen the best of Frenchy, the saber guys will be all over him ... and rightly so, because that means that barbecue and batting cage time with Howard Johnson will have been a fruitless endeavor where Frenchy learns nothing. And what a waste of BBQ sauce that would be.

Here's where we bring the world together ... ready? Upon further review Francoeur, in the right situation, can be the right fit. Let's say he dips a little bit from the .311/.338/.498 line he put up wtih the Mets last season. If he's batting sixth in a lineup that has some serious juice up top, say, a healthy Reyes, Castillo or an improved version at second, an improved David Wright, a healthy Carlos Beltran, and a shiny new part like Jason Bay or Matt Holliday or Derrek Lee or whoever, Frenchy can be that guy crushing pitches down the middle with the bases loaded, instead of the Mets loading the bases with nobody out and having Anderson Hernandez up, followed by a 4-6-3 D.P. by Fernando Tatis.

Now, if you're going to depend on Francoeur to be your cleanup hitter, you might have problems. Because unless Hojo is part evolutionary psychologist, Frenchy is going to be who he is. It's up to the powers to put a team around him and continue to bring the best out in Francoeur where, walks or not, he can be somebody that everyone can love.

Peace and love. Peace and love.

Frenchy's Two Cents

There's a knock at the door to Omar Minaya's office after the Braves kick the Mets' heads in again ...

OM: Come in.

JF: Hey Omar, it's Frenchy. Say, I've been hearing some rumors that you're going to sign me long term. That's really great!

OM: You should know not to read the papers, Jeff ... especially that Adam Rubin fellow.

JF: But I've been great for you this season. I've been raking ... three hits a game, every game.

OM: What happened tonight?

JF: Oh, please. Who can hit Jair Jurrjens these days?

OM: And your leadership is a question mark.

JF: Question mark? Are you kidding? I smile, I slam coolers after tough losses, I've befriended everyone in the clubhouse, I'm the soul of your club right now!

OM: Yeah, well when everyone was growing beards until the club got to .500, you jumped ship and shaved. What kind of leadership is that?

JF: Omar, if we had stuck to that, we'd all have disease ridden beards right now. And with the swine flu going around, the trainers would have had to give our beards Purell baths every day. And if you had let Tim Redding stop trimming that animal on his face, it would have been down to his feet, and he would have tripped over it and torn his MCL and ACL by now. Do you want that on your conscience?

OM: I guess sometimes leadership is subjective.

JF: And practical.

OM: Well I have a lot of problems to worry about for next season before I worry about you.

JF: Well that's another reason I'm here. I know of someone who really wants to be a Met next year, and he'll solve all your problems.

OM: Is his name Koufax?

JF: No ...

OM: Pujols?

JF: No, (chuckles) it's Jason Marquis!

OM: Marquis? Is that French, like Marquis de Sade?

JF: I think so.

OM: I don't employ French players.

JF: But you traded for me, and I've got to have French in me ... Francoeur???

OM: Skip was desperate to get rid of Church. And honestly, I thought you were from Samoa.

JF: C'mon Omar, you knew my nickname was "Frenchy" ...

OM: I thought it was ironic.

JF: And why don't you have French night? It's always Latin night, putting "Los" Mets on the jerseys. How come we never se "Le Mets"?

OM: That has nothing to do with any Latin night.

JF: What do you mean?

OM: It's supposed to say "Loser" The jerseys are supposed to read "Loser Mets".

JF: Huh?

OM: Look, I can't explain ... but I'm not signing Marquis.

JF: Why not?

OM: Well, look at him. He looks too much like Fred Savage on steroids. I can't have a steroid scandal here in Flushing, Frenchy.

JF: Come on, Omar. Sign him ... he's my buddy!

OM: Look, you can't just waltz in here after three months telling me how to do my job and getting me to hire your friends. That never works anyway.

JF: But look at the season he's had ...

OM: Jeff do you know what it takes to be a GM, and think hard before you answer that ... because to be a great GM you have to start thinking about 2010 in 2006. I have a specific plan that will make sense to everybody after it's been put into practice. Just trust me and worry about your on base percentage.

JF: Care to fill me in?

OM: Yeah, I'm going to sign LeBron James.

JF: Huh?

OM: He's the best 2010 free agent out there.

JF: Umm, that's not ... even the same ... uh, sport ...

OM: Now, are there any other questions, Frenchy?

JF: Yeah, how do I get into player development?

Playin' Games

I would have been on board with getting Milton Bradley last winter.

Hard to believe that would come from a guy who flipped a lid when the Mets signed Gary Sheffield. But to get a bat for the lineup from a guy who was still in the prime of his career rather than a guy steaming away from 40 would have been a more solid option. Bradley in left field would have been interesting ... admittedly in more ways than one. But that's a big difference to me.

So now that Bradley's been suspended for the rest of the season by the Cubs for detrimental conduct, the conversations are starting as to whether the Mets should offer Oliver Perez for Uncle Milty. I reply to this by saying: How dare you toy with my emotions ... whispering the sweet nothings of Ollie being gone from this team to pull me on board for this? Do I look that easy to you?

Alright, maybe I am. But I can't see Milton Bradley as a viable option on this team next season. Although I've always thought Bradley's clubhouse rants were a bit overblown, you can't ignore them. That's not to say Bradley in New York would automatically be a complete disaster ... after all, Latrell Sprewell of all people had a positive experience here. But that was when the Knicks weren't a completely dysfunctional organization (they were still about five seasons from Stephon, mind you.) And since nobody really knows how fragile an ecosystem lies in that Met clubhouse, who knows the effect Bradley would have.

Snoop Manuel would probably relish the chance to try to reign him in and play more of the facilitator than Lou Piniella is comfortable with. But if you put a sensitive superstar in that clubhouse, isn't it the exact opposite of what this clubhouse needs at this point? If you believe that this team is in dire need of a kick in the butt, a Piniella clone if you will, to take over this team, or at the very least a new attitude, then wouldn't getting Bradley be another step away from that?

Besides, if Snoop dares put Bradley in the same doghouse that he put Ryan Church in, Manuel may wind up in traction at the end of the day.

But more importantly, if the Mets had a clubhouse that could keep him grounded, and were one player away, Bradley might be your man. I stress might because Bradley isn't the type of player the Mets should be looking for anyway. He's hitting home runs this season at about the same rate as Francoeur is hitting them in his time with the Mets ... but when you consider where each player plays, that doesn't speak well for Bradley. Not to mention that Frenchy's slugging pct. with the Mets is .490, while Bradley's with the Cubs is .397 (Francoeur has more doubles with the Mets alone than Bradley has all season with Chicago.)

Point being that the Mets are, in addition to being nowhere near one player away, in the need for a dangerous bat ... a bat you fear, even in Citi Field, to play left. Bradley isn't that guy. He gets on base and walks more than his share, but the Mets have enough singles hitters.

And the final reason why Bradley shouldn't be in New York:

"It's just not a positive environment. I need a stable, healthy, enjoyable environment ... it's just negativity." -Milton Bradley on playing in Chicago

And you want to put him on this franchise? The petry dish of negativity? If he's looking for a stable, healthy, enjoyable environment, he should seriously think about playing in some city where there's no media, or playing in Japan, or having Bill Gates adopt him. He wants stable and healthy? Well, don't we all.

Plans Laid Bare

"No glove, and we win the game." -Jeff Francoeur

Damn Doug Allison and his buckskin mittens.

Francoeur announced after his latest frustrating final at-bat that he was leaving the Mets to join the Newtown Sandy Hook Vintage Base Ball Club, where they don't wear gloves. Frenchy hopes the move will help raise his on base percentage by about 300 points.

Your bare hands are no match for my stick of death!

Scream '09: You're Next

I'm starting to get the feeling that Frankie Rodriguez is the Jamie Lee Curtis of the group ... the last one standing after Michael Myers has killed everyone else, while Billy Wagner is the guy who you thought died in the first half hour of the film, only to be that guy who finally drives a stake into the psychopath's heart when he's just about to kill Frankie, then tear both of his hamstrings.

Well, someone's gotta survive ... who will be left to kill off for the sequel? Cory Sullivan? Cory Sullivan doesn't sell tickets.

With that, I'd like to share with you an e-mail exchange I had today:

Monday, August 24, 2009 3:37 PM
Subject: Francoeur

Torn thumb ligament. Day to day. When does it end?

My response:

Monday, August 24, 2009 3:45 PM
Subject: Francoeur

October 4th. Unless Johan Santana is electrocuted by his Christmas Tree.

By 4:30 PM, Santana had been scratched from his start today, scheduled for an MRI on his pitching elbow, and the subject of candlelight vigils all over New York. Note to baseball gods: I was kidding!!! You don't light Christmas trees in August!!!!!

SNY better hurry with that "Nelson's Next Start" graphic ... because "Johan's Next Start" might be anywhere from next week to 2011.

I don't know what else to say (and I'm scared if I say anything else about anybody, that person will be swallowed whole by the Atlantic Ocean) except this: Drown your sorrows at Two Boots Tavern tonight for the second installment of the Amazin Tuesdays Trilogy. Greg Prince and Jason Fry of Faith and Fear in Flushing are your gracious hosts, and Dana Brand and Caryn Rose will be your guest readers. As for what they'll be reading ... rumor has it they'll be reading from the book of ancient war chants to ward off whatever evil spirits that are hovering over this baseball team. Either that or they'll be reading the American Journal of Medicine, I'm not sure which.

Enough Money For One Lousy Beer

I hope for Alexi Panos' sake that she's not still doing "Beer Money" when she's 45 years old.

But if she is, she'll have that ace question in the hole where she'll ask the contestant du jour to name as many players who got a hit during the inning where they set a club record with ten. She could even tell them that the year was 2009. And the guesses will inevitably include luminaries such as Jose Reyes, David Wright, Carlos Beltran, Carlos Delgado, and perhaps even Ryan Church.

Heck, some would even guess Keith Hernandez before they guess Luis Castillo, Jeff Francoeur, Gary Sheffield, Omir Santos, Anderson Hernandez, Angel Pagan, Fernando Tatis, and freakin' Oliver Perez.

That's right, the largest inning of offensive juggernaution (no, it's not a word) includes those last eight names ... and yes, Oliver Perez is one of them. If you can truly cause death by paper cuts, then that's a textbook murderers row. But the record inning does not include Daniel Murphy, who made two of the three outs in that inning and should really be ashamed of himself ... because now he'll be benched for the rest of the homestand knowing Snoop.

Of course, I missed the damn inning ... partly because of just plain "stuff", but partly because I was in no rush to get back to the television after Perez gave up a bomb to Adam LaRoche to give the Braves a 4-0 lead, and I launched into some sort of song where the lyrics "I hate you Ollie" were prominent, and stormed off to go on a string of activities ... not the least important of which was dinner. What happens? They set records. The team who's about seven injuries away from me playing left field set a franchise record. I missed it. I suck.

Not that the record or the win makes me feel any better. In May I would have been reassured by Oliver Perez beating Derek Lowe ... "hey, looks like the Mets made the right choice, eh?" Now? It's only part of the cruel irony of 2009. It's like slaying the dragon ... when you're 100 games out. Because Ryan Church will leave New York at the end of the series still trying to make the playoffs, while Snoop Manuel will be trying to avoid Jeff Wilpon in the hallways.

Speaking of:

Mets manager Jerry Manuel's support system is eroding. First, his main backer, Tony Bernazard, the top aide of GM Omar Minaya, was fired. Now we're hearing that Minaya is about to be "reassigned," and John Ricco will be promoted to the GM job, an indication that the owner's son, Jeff Wilpon, wants to expand his involvement in day-to-day duties.

Oh, that's the solution to this mess ... more Wilpon. Why didn't I think of that? I feel better already. Hey when you "reassign" Minaya, can you please assign him to my apartment to slit my wrists with a plastic spoon while Alexi Panos asks me to name all the pitchers that have had a no-hitter after leaving the Mets? Thanks.

School In Summertime

It's stuff like this that reminds me why I started a blog in the first place.

As long as the uniforms are throwbacks, Matt Cain beaning David Wright throws me back to a common theme that I keep harping to. So if I'm repeating myself in this instance, it's not because I'm old and senility is setting in: But Mets pitchers haven't thrown inside with purpose and consistency since Turk Wendell left. If you don't think that's a problem, tell that to David Wright and the fifteen miniature Kung Fu Pandas that are circling his head in the hospital.

Pitchers have been throwing inside on Wright all season long. He's been dusted, turned around, brushed back, all of it ... it's happened to Wright. It's good strategy. It's part of the game. And without having looked at the scouting reports I can pretty much surmise to the extreme of guarantee that the reports mention something to the tune of: "you can pitch inside on this team." The word "intimidated" might have made its way into some of those club reports.

I'm not talking about beaning, I'm just talking about commanding the inside part of the plate, which teams have done on Wright. He's the one hitter worth the effort to make uncomfortable, so why shouldn't they do it? Especially when the one time Wright is thrown at and not merely brushed back (Brad Thompson), he doesn't do anything. I don't believe that Cain tried to hit Wright in the head. But he did have intent to come inside and the pitch got away. I have to wonder if the Mets were a team that at least tried to command the inside of the plate more in the past weeks months years, would Matt Cain have been so quick to come inside? Would the other pitchers in the league come in on Wright as much as they have? Maybe the answer is still yes, since Wright has absolutely no protection in the lineup, but I'm not 100% sure about that.

I'll go as far as to say this: If Wright had charged Thompson two weeks ago for throwing at his head, does today happen? Does Cain intend to come inside as much as he intended to? (Sidebar: Let's not compare the Cain/Wright beaning to the Clemens/Piazza incident. Clemens hit Piazza because Piazza had success against him and poor Roger's ego was hurt. Wright has one hit in two at-bats lifetime against Cain.) I might very well be wrong on the last two paragraphs, and I understand the arguments against them. And I also don't say that to place any blame on Wright for what happened today. But I also believe it's a discussion worth having.

Here's another discussion worth having, and it relates to the bush league move that Cain pulled, tipping his cap antagonistically at the Mets fans for daring to boo him: Was there a new unwritten rule written in the last five years that opposing pitchers can't be thrown at? Sure, Santana threw behind Pablo Sandoval's back and that's all well and good (at least nobody had to die before that happened, which I wondered aloud for three innings). But baseball's adopted this "you hit our star we'll go after yours" policy, and I'm not sure bad behavior by pitchers is going to be curbed if they personally aren't going to be held accountable. I realize that the opportunity to retaliate against pitchers in the N.L. has dwindled with all the specialization, and the fewer at-bats starters get in general. But Santana had a couple of cracks at Cain after Wright was sent to the hospital.

"I was just adjusting my cap. They can take it how they want. All I know is I wasn't trying to hit David Wright on purpose. If they think that, that's their thought." -Matt Cain

All right, maybe I will compare him to Clemens ... because I haven't heard a load of garbage like that since "I thought it was the ball." Don't you love when people insult your intelligence?

Why was Cain not eating dirt instead of Sandoval? Maybe it's because of the belief in the Mets dugout that Cain wasn't responsible or didn't hit Wright on purpose. Fine. But then why hit anybody at all if that's what you believe? That brings me to my next morsel of food for thought: If we still lived by rule of the old days, and Cain was plunked in the ribs or sent scrambling to the ground, does he have the cajones to pull that cap tipping stunt to the fans? You have to have a feeling of invincibility to do that, and that's a feeling I believe is absent if he had a welt on his ribs. Look, I know some of the younger baseball fans here are tired of hearing about the old days and about how "if this was 1986, that no-class punk would be missing three teeth right now." You're more than entitled to think that way. But at the risk of sounding like a cranky old man, I can't help but think that we could all use just a little old school. Not a lot, not wool uniforms or anything like that ... but self policing isn't a bad thing.

Full disclosure: Although I was wondering about who to hit before the cap tip, Cain's stunt put the thoughts into sharper focus for me. So for whoever says "yeah, well this wasn't an issue until Cain tipped his cap", you're right. I think there's nothing wrong with that.

But if you really need some silver linings, here they are:

• The Mets don't have a west coast trip coming up until the first of September, thus preventing any further dizzy spells caused by the club stupidly putting David Wright on a cross country flight.
• Wright can now get that rest he so desperately needs, ensuring that he'll be refreshed for the final three meaningless games of the season.
• Tony Bernazard isn't around to recommend a cortisone shot to his frontal lobe.
• Now maybe Jeff Francoeur will wear the safer helmet and risk looking like a clown.

But this also means we'll see Fernando Tatis get everyday time at third, while somehow Daniel Murphy will still be on the bench three days a week ... and Jeremy Reed still isn't going to be able to crack the lineup. Oh, and there will always be the stigma of Sandoval being thrown at in retaliation and still hitting a bomb off Johan Santana, continuing the season long trend that even when they're right, they're wrong. And even when they win, they lose.

It Protects You From Swinging

David Wright: Hey Frenchy, you see this?

Jeff Francoeur: What?

DW: It's a new batting helmet ... it's supposed to protect you from 110 mile per hour fastballs. Not even Tim Lincecum can kill you.

JF: No way. I'm not wearing that.

DW: Why not?

JF: I'm just not wearing it. Absolutely not.

DW: But it's safer!

JF: I could care less what they say, I’m not wearing it. There’s got to be a way to have a more protective helmet without all that padding.

DW: But how can you have a helmet that protects you without padding?

JF: They could have satellites in space so that when a fastball comes near your head, it shoots lasers at it and obliterates it.

DW: Dude, the Wilpons aren't paying for a satellite to protect your head so don't even think about it.

JF: Well I don't care, I'm not wearing it.

DW: But what if a fastball comes at your head?

JF: What does it matter? I'm going to swing at it anyway.

DW: That's insane.

JF: You only get hits when you swing, dude.

DW: You should really think about wearing this helmet.

JF: We'll look like clowns out there.

DW: As opposed to how we look now at 52-61?

JF: I'm not going out there looking like Stan, Kyle, and Cartman from the Child Abduction episode.

DW: Do you realize that we play for a franchise that once took the field looking like this:

JF: We had Orel Hershisher?

DW: Frenchy, wear the helmet.

JF: No way dude. I'm not going out there looking like that.

DW: Dude,


JF: Oh that was like forever ago.

DW: All right suit yourself. Hey inning's over, let's get out there.

...

Cory Sullivan: Frenchy, look out!

JF: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!


DW: See, told you.

JF: Where am I?

DW: You're in Washington, you were just hit in the head by a fly ball.

CS: Do you know who you are?

JF: No, what's my name?

CS: You're Je ...

DW: VLADIMIR GUERRERO!

CS: Dude, really?

DW: Shut up Cory.

JF: You know, they should really let us wear helmets in the field.

Springtime In San Diego

Seems as if the Padres have some things in common with the Mets ... if you believe the Pods' scout that told Gary Cohen and Ron Darling that their roster is littered with guys who belong in AA. That sounds mighty familiar.

The Padres are last in baseball in the following categories: Batting average, runs, hits, runs batted in (or, rib eye steaks), and slugging percentage. Oh, and they're third from the bottom in on base percentage. Livan Hernandez, sadly, turned this AA roster into the '93 Blue Jays on Thursday night. I'm guessing that takes some work. I saw what Livan was throwing, and I threw grapefruits that were harder to hit (and Jeff Francoeur swung at every single one of them.)

Congratulations, Livan. You got beat like a rented mule by the San Antonio Missions.

The only thing New York's AA roster could accomplish on Thursday was add another AA player who can't hit. But at least he's been here before and he has a lame nickname. Yeah, Anderson Hernandez will save the day.

This probably means the end of the Angel Berroa era in New York. As if I wasn't dying a slow death already, now I'll have to experience a life without Angel Berroa (sheds tear).

This whole season, from Snoop Manuel's "let's get everyone some at-bats" strategy to the roster that's straight from the 1997 All-Star game, is starting to feel like seven months of extended spring training ... only the weather sucks.

(No Mets were injured in the making of Thursday's monstrosity ... or this blog post.)

Another Day, Another News Conference, Another Win

"I think he really understands he made a very large mistake here. He apologized to ownership, he apologized to the staff. Omar has told me he's remorseful about what he said." -Jeff Wilpon

"So I sent him to his room without his supper to think about what he's done. He's been a very bad boy."

My favorite part of Tuesday's news conference, the one that expounded on Monday's second news conference which was needed to smooth over Monday's first news conference, was the part where Jeffy said something like "Oh, Omar's around. But he needs some time to recuperate, he's had a tough day and he's visibly shaken."

Awwww.

Yeah, Omar needs a day off. I mean, it's not like there's anything going on that a general manager really needs to do near the end of July. Oh don't worry about that small detail that it's the one chance Omar has to improve the club whether it be for now or for the future. Because we can't have Mark Shapiro or Billy Beane calling Flushing to talk trade only to have Minaya collapse in a heap as he bawls his eyes out and have the flavor of his own tears make his Alpha Bits taste funny. (Can you spell "inept" with one spoonful? I knew you could.)

Yes, you rest. Tony can run the trade deadli ... oh, that's right.

Luckily, the Mets continue to smooth things over with a winning streak which is now at four, giving Minaya a false sense of security and enabling him to trade half the farm system to the Reds for Jonny Gomes and Alex Gonzalez. Mike Pelfrey's pitching well, Daniel Murphy's playing small ball at the cleanup spot, and Jeff Francoeur is pretending that it was his evil twin on the Sports Illustrated cover. But most important to this winning streak is the fact that Brian Schneider is growing a beard that makes him look gritty. Looks almost too good though, like he had thick black ink spackled on his face with a sponge by a Hollywood make-up artist. That's all right though, because it's a beard that says "We don't care about front office propaganda, we're ballplayers! And we're gritty! Grrrrrrrr!"

I feel better already.

General Disarray

"Some of you people oughta go find another way of living." -Bobby Knight, January 18th, 2000

I think Russ Ortiz would be wise to listen to Coach Knight.

Seriously, Ortiz is a pitcher that the Mets have owned recently. But even I wasn't naive enough to start getting excited on Saturday because of Ortiz's recent history against the Mets, since the recent injuries heaved all of that history out of the twenty first story window. The Mets that have pounded Ortiz are all either retired or on the disabled list, while the current Mets are, well, half of them should also probably think about alternative employment. SNY pointed out the stats and I thought "Uh-oh, we're going to have to start calling him Russ 'Renaissance' Ortiz after tonight because the four-hit shutout is coming."

But apparently, even when the names change, it's safe to Meet the Mets, Meet the Mets, cuz' Russ Ortiz can't beat the Mets. And not only can't he beat them, he made them look like it was 2006 again. When the Mets were scoring three runs in the first inning five times in a week, Russ Ortiz was there. Now that the Mets can't score three runs in a week, the Russ Ortiz we know and love is still there. We should all probably be thankful for that. But for Ortiz, maybe a career in genetic engineering or website design would be more his speed. Because if you can't beat 2009's version of the New York Mets, then you've got some issues.

But at least he didn't give up any home runs to the Mets ... and that's hard to believe since the Mets actually had three dingers on Saturday. Heck, Tim Byrdak played Brad Lidge as Jeff Francoeur channeled his inner Pujols. That was a monster, as monsters that go over Crawford boxes go. And David Wright hit his first home run of the month against Wesley Wright (whom I probably referred to as "Winky" at least three times this season.) In case you don't have access to a calendar (hard to believe since they're built into this here computer you're on), the month is going to be over in a week.

Thankfully, Jon Niese had the kind of outing that provides some real good news besides "oh look, we won our one game of the series, hooray!" Because these Mets need as many reasons to believe in the future as they can get. Niese, if he could keep this up, would qualify for that quite nicely.

With Livan Hernandez starting the Spalding game of the series (we need a replacement for "rubber game" after fifty years), we now return you to your regularly scheduled beatings.

Frenchy Played Football Y'Know

But when former high school football star Jeff Francoeur bore down on Pudge Rodriguez with the tying run in the seventh inning, what the Mets needed was Bo Jackson.

Instead, they got Blair Thomas.

Frenchy tried to deke to the goal line instead of just putting his head down and running over Pudge, and that was just one of the mistakes that led to the Mets' 5-4 loss against the Astros in Houston.

But if Frenchy was Blair Thomas, then Razor Shines was definitely Rich Kotite. Let's see: Francoeur isn't that fast. Hunter Pence has a good arm, and he's so close to the infield he's inhaling dust. But Razor sends him home from second to be out by ten feet.

Are we just not bothering to scout anymore?

That wasn't even Francoeur's biggest transgression (though he did say his fifteen jukes made him look like a "pansy" after the game.) His strikeout in the first on a pitch in the dirt along with Fernando Tatis' double play immediately afterward allowed Mike Hampton to find himself, leading to Hampton's two run homer against Johan Santana. (And not to mention that Frenchy looking bad on a pitch and 6-4-Tatis hitting into another D.P. is as cliche and contrived as a policeman eating a doughnut. More originality next time, please.)

And speaking of Hampton, is this the way it's going to be the rest of the season ... former Mets taking free punches at their former employer as if they were a dead animal being poked with a stick? Mike Hampton hitting a two run home run? Kaz Matsui with a lifetime average against the Mets of .981? Kaz Matsui???

What's next, someone's going to sign Orlando Hernandez so he can throw a three-hitter against the Mets?

The Phillies bring Kaz Ishii from the bullpen to strike out Jeremy Reed?

And can Snoop hop back from the parallel universe he's in and join us on Earth? "Wha? Francoeur didn't hit Pudge? I thought he hit him."

With a Bloomingdale's bag, maybe.