Shut Down In The Corner

When they say "shut down" in football, you think of Darrelle Revis: Shut Down Corner. The Mets version is Kelvim Escobar: Shut Down For Shoulder Soreness.

Now that he's out indefinitely, it makes you wonder why the Mets gave him guaranteed money if he was this fragile. And the only answer I could come up with was this: With Jose Reyes' hamstring pretty much healthy, the Mets had a spot open for that player who was perpetually two-three weeks away from returning that we have no choice but to hear about endlessly even though he's doing nothing. Escobar fits that bill well right now. Consider what we'll have the opportunity to read in the papers or hear reported on "Cash For Gold Pre-Game Live" for the next few months:

"Kelvim Escobar threw off flat ground today. Team doctors think he may be two-three weeks away."

"Kelvim Escobar performed Jerry Manuel's 'Let's Put the Pitchers at Shortstop For No Good Reason' drills without incident. Manuel told reporters that Escobar is two-three weeks away, but sources revealed that Manuel may have been kidding."

"Kelvim Escobar fed strained peas to a baby and his arm didn't sound like a bowl of Rice Krispies in the process. Omar Minaya thinks that Escobar may be two-three weeks away, but that he couldn't be sure about that until he confirms it with the Wilpons."

"Kelvim Escobar participated in agility drills and managed not to step on one of the hidden mine-fields that Tony Bernazard had buried during a 2009 motivational tactic gone horribly wrong. Escobar is thought to be two-three weeks away unless Bernazard shows up at camp and challenges him to a fight."

It's just a way to keep the Mets in the press.

Dream On

Lance Berkman has gotta stop eating Thai food right before he goes to bed. From Astros beat guy Brian McTaggart's Twitter, via Mets Fever:

Lance Berkman just told me: "Last night I had a dream I got traded to the Mets." He didn't say who the Astros got in return.

Funny, last night Lance had that dream where he's hitting .220 as a Met and Tony Bernazard is chasing him with an 18 inch needle trying to give him a cortisone shot while shirtless. And he woke up in a cold sweat and couldn't even make it to the bathroom before puking all over himself. Yeah, I hate when that happens.

Perhaps Berkman is looking for a change subconsciously, but will not admit it to himself. I couldn't find an interpretation of a dream involving a trade to the Mets, but if he's dreaming about a job change, perhaps these guys can explain:

The "you’re fired" dream could also be a sign of fear of rejection or an indication that you subconsciously want to end some relationship or situation (work or personal) in your life. Maybe you secretly fantasize about leaving your job or escaping from your cubicle. (...) One way or another, your dreams are probably telling you that it’s time to make some kind of change in your life.

If this passage helps you Lance, then it's time to go demand that trade. Maybe this passage can explain some other people's dreams as well. (*coughOmarcough*)

Now Here's Baghdad Bob With The Paid Attendance

Interesting throw in to the game notes on the bottom of the wire copy for Saturday's 5-1 win:

"The announced paid attendance was 37,578."

The unannounced attendance in the real world? Let's just say Tony Bernazard has more Facebook friends.

That explains the uncontrolled giggling on the P.A. system when the attendance was actually announced. It was the biggest fit of laughter at Citi Field since Snoop told the following joke at a press conference in June:

Scott Kazmir walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says "Where'd you get that?" And the parrot says "From Jim Duquette".

You had to be there.

School In Summertime

It's stuff like this that reminds me why I started a blog in the first place.

As long as the uniforms are throwbacks, Matt Cain beaning David Wright throws me back to a common theme that I keep harping to. So if I'm repeating myself in this instance, it's not because I'm old and senility is setting in: But Mets pitchers haven't thrown inside with purpose and consistency since Turk Wendell left. If you don't think that's a problem, tell that to David Wright and the fifteen miniature Kung Fu Pandas that are circling his head in the hospital.

Pitchers have been throwing inside on Wright all season long. He's been dusted, turned around, brushed back, all of it ... it's happened to Wright. It's good strategy. It's part of the game. And without having looked at the scouting reports I can pretty much surmise to the extreme of guarantee that the reports mention something to the tune of: "you can pitch inside on this team." The word "intimidated" might have made its way into some of those club reports.

I'm not talking about beaning, I'm just talking about commanding the inside part of the plate, which teams have done on Wright. He's the one hitter worth the effort to make uncomfortable, so why shouldn't they do it? Especially when the one time Wright is thrown at and not merely brushed back (Brad Thompson), he doesn't do anything. I don't believe that Cain tried to hit Wright in the head. But he did have intent to come inside and the pitch got away. I have to wonder if the Mets were a team that at least tried to command the inside of the plate more in the past weeks months years, would Matt Cain have been so quick to come inside? Would the other pitchers in the league come in on Wright as much as they have? Maybe the answer is still yes, since Wright has absolutely no protection in the lineup, but I'm not 100% sure about that.

I'll go as far as to say this: If Wright had charged Thompson two weeks ago for throwing at his head, does today happen? Does Cain intend to come inside as much as he intended to? (Sidebar: Let's not compare the Cain/Wright beaning to the Clemens/Piazza incident. Clemens hit Piazza because Piazza had success against him and poor Roger's ego was hurt. Wright has one hit in two at-bats lifetime against Cain.) I might very well be wrong on the last two paragraphs, and I understand the arguments against them. And I also don't say that to place any blame on Wright for what happened today. But I also believe it's a discussion worth having.

Here's another discussion worth having, and it relates to the bush league move that Cain pulled, tipping his cap antagonistically at the Mets fans for daring to boo him: Was there a new unwritten rule written in the last five years that opposing pitchers can't be thrown at? Sure, Santana threw behind Pablo Sandoval's back and that's all well and good (at least nobody had to die before that happened, which I wondered aloud for three innings). But baseball's adopted this "you hit our star we'll go after yours" policy, and I'm not sure bad behavior by pitchers is going to be curbed if they personally aren't going to be held accountable. I realize that the opportunity to retaliate against pitchers in the N.L. has dwindled with all the specialization, and the fewer at-bats starters get in general. But Santana had a couple of cracks at Cain after Wright was sent to the hospital.

"I was just adjusting my cap. They can take it how they want. All I know is I wasn't trying to hit David Wright on purpose. If they think that, that's their thought." -Matt Cain

All right, maybe I will compare him to Clemens ... because I haven't heard a load of garbage like that since "I thought it was the ball." Don't you love when people insult your intelligence?

Why was Cain not eating dirt instead of Sandoval? Maybe it's because of the belief in the Mets dugout that Cain wasn't responsible or didn't hit Wright on purpose. Fine. But then why hit anybody at all if that's what you believe? That brings me to my next morsel of food for thought: If we still lived by rule of the old days, and Cain was plunked in the ribs or sent scrambling to the ground, does he have the cajones to pull that cap tipping stunt to the fans? You have to have a feeling of invincibility to do that, and that's a feeling I believe is absent if he had a welt on his ribs. Look, I know some of the younger baseball fans here are tired of hearing about the old days and about how "if this was 1986, that no-class punk would be missing three teeth right now." You're more than entitled to think that way. But at the risk of sounding like a cranky old man, I can't help but think that we could all use just a little old school. Not a lot, not wool uniforms or anything like that ... but self policing isn't a bad thing.

Full disclosure: Although I was wondering about who to hit before the cap tip, Cain's stunt put the thoughts into sharper focus for me. So for whoever says "yeah, well this wasn't an issue until Cain tipped his cap", you're right. I think there's nothing wrong with that.

But if you really need some silver linings, here they are:

• The Mets don't have a west coast trip coming up until the first of September, thus preventing any further dizzy spells caused by the club stupidly putting David Wright on a cross country flight.
• Wright can now get that rest he so desperately needs, ensuring that he'll be refreshed for the final three meaningless games of the season.
• Tony Bernazard isn't around to recommend a cortisone shot to his frontal lobe.
• Now maybe Jeff Francoeur will wear the safer helmet and risk looking like a clown.

But this also means we'll see Fernando Tatis get everyday time at third, while somehow Daniel Murphy will still be on the bench three days a week ... and Jeremy Reed still isn't going to be able to crack the lineup. Oh, and there will always be the stigma of Sandoval being thrown at in retaliation and still hitting a bomb off Johan Santana, continuing the season long trend that even when they're right, they're wrong. And even when they win, they lose.

Indestructible

So what's more surprising: that the Mets actually won a game in Petco Park, or that Livan Hernandez didn't dislocate a finger while teaching the kids in the front row the fist pump with explosion?

Oh yeah, I forgot. Livan is the indestructible one on the team ... like the Terminator. One specializes in superior artificial intelligence that adjusts to his surroundings, the other has a 63 mph curve ball.

Johan Santana hasn't been quite as indestructible from the mound, but he's slowly getting back to that point, as we're starting to see the second half Santana we all know and love. Sure, it doesn't matter. And yeah, it's only the Padres lineup. But it's the same Padres lineup that sent Terminator to an early shower, and beat the Mets about 200 straight times. So we'll just have to collect as many individual victories as we can, even if we can't add 'em all up in October and exchange 'em for a stuffed Daffy Duck at the bazaar.

***

With the way things have gone this season and this weekend, set against the backdrop of the Yankees sweeping the Red Sox at the new Yankee Stadium, something in my mind brought me back to an obscure piece written that I had linked to before. It's haunting as you go through it, so let's look back for fun (from 2007):

A study of the two new baseball stadiums by feng shui expert Judith Wendell found the Yankees' future home has good luck while the Mets' Citi Field will be plagued by "a lot of disturbed energy."

Oh, it gets better.

The Yanks broke ground on Babe Ruth's birthday, Aug. 16, and are repeating many elements of the old stadium, including the angles for home plate and the positions of the dugouts. Cathedral arches and the entire façade will also recapture the old Yankee Stadium incarnations.

"In feng shui terms, they are taking the 'predecessor chi' and bringing it with them and graphing it on to the new stadium, which is very good for luck," said Wendell, whose company, Sacred Currents, consults with building and homeowners.

As opposed to the team in New York that wanted no reminders of their old stadium whatsoever, right? You mean, that would have been good luck? Ah s**t.

"Unlike being christened with water [at Yankee Stadium], I felt energetically blocked," she said. "When I did dowse around the site, my rod spun wildly in various spots, thus denoting disturbed energy."

I hear there's a blue pill for that.

But now, get ready to laugh:

There is one bright spot for Met followers: Citi Field's color scheme of dark blue exposed steel with green seats and red brick are what Wendell calls a "power combination."

HA! LOLZ!!! POWER COMBINATION??? THE TEAM THAT HAS THREE HOME RUNS ALL SEASON??? ROFL!!!!!! Green seats and red brick are a power combination ... for Mark Reynolds, maybe. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!

Jeez, forget moving in the fences, what this place needs is a smudging ceremony. But it involves lighting a fire, so with the Mets luck in stead of lighting a match, they'll set fire to John Maine's arm ... the one that isn't hurt.

***

I see that Satan showed up the home plate ump from center field and got what he deserved. Remember all you kids out there, you're not allowed to argue balls and strikes. It's rule 9.02a.

***

And finally, if you were wondering how player development was going since Tony Bernazard left, wonder no more, as the crack staff has obtained this exclusive footage (that's been on the internet for ten days ... I think the crack staff is using the under .500 record as an excuse for being lazy):

Purgatorial Aspirations

You never hear good news because it's under reported 'round these parts. For example, remember when the stock market was crashing and that was the lead story every single night? On Monday, the Dow went up by 114.95. How many news reports was that the lead on? Very few, if any at all. The good news is relegated to the business report at 47 past the hour. The top of the news is always reserved for bad news.

Like the Mets.

For as well as the Dow is doing these days (9286.56, for you day traders), if you bought stock in hope and optimism in Flushing, you're a sucker. Because it's dropping like a stone. You'd get more return from selling your Enron certificates at this point. After the latest ignominy of losing three of four to the Diamondbacks, even the sunniest of optimists are seeing that the rain will never stop.

Yup, second easiest schedule the rest of the way, right? Except for one thing: last season this team was swept by the Padres when they were still awful, while the Mets had Reyes, Beltran, and Delgado healthy. So the Mets are the easy schedule.

Don't blame yourself. This franchise makes suckers out of all of us at one point or another. Heck, if there was anyone who was going to bring back sunshine, surely it was Nelson Figueroa, who just a week earlier was in Buffalo giving out hats and signed baseballs to a Brooklyn youth service team and letting them on to the field to tell stories of a long and winding baseball career. (Think of the good you can do when Tony Bernazard isn't around to tell kids to "get the f**k off my field!") So if good karma counted in pitching performance, Figgy would pitch a no-hitter every time out.

But God placed a veto on all good karma for the Mets the moment that Bernazard cursed out the Brooklyn Cyclones' team chaplain. Hence, Nelson Figueroa couldn't deliver another feel good story. Instead, he gave up six runs in five outs including two homers to Mark Reynolds, who had four in his three games here at Citi Field while the highest slugging Met has five in this building all season. So God at least had the compassion to let Reynolds sit for a game while he was here. But in terms of wins, He isn't helping ... don't bother asking. And don't bother asking Satan for victories in exchange for your soul. He's too busy writing Chipper Jones' hall of fame induction speech to negotiate with you. Hence you have the New York Mets ... Once and forever, the official franchise of purgatory.

Purgatory is kind of like a place for a purification process. The Mets apparently have a lot of purification ahead of them, as they seemingly intend to operate next season with a $100 million payroll. Well, if that's true, then by these calculations the Mets are going to bring back Shane Spencer and Karim Garcia to back up and surround Johan Santana. Can't wait for Frankie Rodriguez's trade request after he goes two months without a save chance next season. Makes you wonder if the Mets just shouldn't Piratize the whole thing rather than create the illusion of championship aspirations and finish 79-83 every season from now until the end of time. Just like purgatory.

Oh, and in purgatory, the Dow is always down, the Shake Shack is just so-so, and everyone is 2-3 weeks away from returning to the field. Forever.

Pat Misch And The Opaque Sun

The day started with a rain delay, during which SNY showed a Mets Classic that started this way:

"The sun is shining bright, and the Mets come home as the best team in the National League."

That was May 29th, 2007. A stark contrast from August 2nd, 2009, where the day started by raining cats and dogs, the Mets not being best team in the National League, and being involved in a death struggle against the Arizona Diamondbacks for the seventh place spot in the wild card race.

Who knew the real depression would start when the sun came out.

Yup, the death struggle is now at 2-1 Arizona thanks to Jon Garland making the Mets his personal servants today. Nelson Figueroa is now asked to tie the series against Dan Haren on Monday, and he'll will likely need to throw the first no-hitter in New York Mets history to avoid being designated for assignment again, the fate that not only befell Figueroa after one start this season, but also befell Pat Misch today to make room for Figueroa. Misch received this reward for pitching so admirably over the past two weeks sitting by the phone waiting for Snoop Manuel to call over the past two weeks. The Mets have realized that they can acquire a lovestruck teenage girl with a Jonas brother poster on her wall to do that, and probably for league minimum unless Scott Boras is her agent.

In other news, Brian Schnieder needed a second cortisone shot to his knee as it struggles to hold the extra weight of Schnieder's beard, which is needed to add extra grit. He still has a way to go to match the forest that's growing on Tim Redding's chin, which had to be inspected by Citi Field security today to make sure that Tony Bernazard wasn't trying to sneak back into the park.

Another Day, Another News Conference, Another Win

"I think he really understands he made a very large mistake here. He apologized to ownership, he apologized to the staff. Omar has told me he's remorseful about what he said." -Jeff Wilpon

"So I sent him to his room without his supper to think about what he's done. He's been a very bad boy."

My favorite part of Tuesday's news conference, the one that expounded on Monday's second news conference which was needed to smooth over Monday's first news conference, was the part where Jeffy said something like "Oh, Omar's around. But he needs some time to recuperate, he's had a tough day and he's visibly shaken."

Awwww.

Yeah, Omar needs a day off. I mean, it's not like there's anything going on that a general manager really needs to do near the end of July. Oh don't worry about that small detail that it's the one chance Omar has to improve the club whether it be for now or for the future. Because we can't have Mark Shapiro or Billy Beane calling Flushing to talk trade only to have Minaya collapse in a heap as he bawls his eyes out and have the flavor of his own tears make his Alpha Bits taste funny. (Can you spell "inept" with one spoonful? I knew you could.)

Yes, you rest. Tony can run the trade deadli ... oh, that's right.

Luckily, the Mets continue to smooth things over with a winning streak which is now at four, giving Minaya a false sense of security and enabling him to trade half the farm system to the Reds for Jonny Gomes and Alex Gonzalez. Mike Pelfrey's pitching well, Daniel Murphy's playing small ball at the cleanup spot, and Jeff Francoeur is pretending that it was his evil twin on the Sports Illustrated cover. But most important to this winning streak is the fact that Brian Schneider is growing a beard that makes him look gritty. Looks almost too good though, like he had thick black ink spackled on his face with a sponge by a Hollywood make-up artist. That's all right though, because it's a beard that says "We don't care about front office propaganda, we're ballplayers! And we're gritty! Grrrrrrrr!"

I feel better already.

So George Santayana Walks Into A Bar ...

Somewhere, in a saloon overlooking the afterlife, M. Donald Grant is ordering a boilermaker while Dick Young turns to him and says "Oh no he didn't!"

How bizarre was Monday's news conference?

James Dolan was embarrassed.

Heidi and Spencer thought it was petty and vindictive.

And Wallace Matthews was ... right.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. George Santayana, a Spanish philosopher, said that. And right now, he's at the same bar as Grant and Young buying the next round and having a huge laugh over the New York Mets, who continually refuse to learn from their mistakes too numerous to mention. I make plenty of mistakes too, and I made one today at about 2:30 upon learning that the Mets had called a news conference to announce the firing of Tony Bernazard. You see, I had the post in the can. It was called "Can You Feel A Brand New Day". Had an "exclusive clip" of the news conference featured on it. I even played it a few times and did my version of a happy dance to it. Because this should have been a day of rejoicing ... not because a human being was fired, but because just maybe, an organization that we all care deeply about was about to do the right thing and climb out of the abyss. Here's a small sampling of what I wrote in the post that will never be published:

"We're going to look back on the Bingo Mets incident where we now think of it to be an embarrassment, and see it in the future as the best thing to happen to this organization, because it got the ball rolling to get this done and get a guy like Bernazard out of the organization. I don't like to see people fired, but this was absolutely necessary and unavoidable ... kudos to the Mets who have done the right thing for the first time all season."

But I had a fleeting thought as I wrote that. I thought that somehow, the Mets are going to take this good news and taint it when the news conference actually starts. Only thing is that I had envisioned the wrecking ball to hit the newser in the form of: "We also have a trade to announce ... "

But when the right thing actually went so horribly, horribly wrong, I could have never imagined it going quite this way.

You know what happened at that point. Omar fired Tony Bernazard, and then in a bizarre twist, went on to tell the world that Daily News reporter Adam Rubin had been "lobbying" for a job in player development with the Mets for two years, and also imply that Rubin ... well, I'm not sure what he implied. Did he imply that Rubin wrote all the things he wrote to get Bernazard fired to take over for him? Or that Rubin wrote all those stories to get Bernazard fired to get revenge for not getting a job with them?

Predictably, when Rubin pressed him on it, Minaya didn't have a good answer for him. You expected something different with this franchise?

It was fascinating to catch this all on live television ... with the double box camera on Rubin right before the bombshell as if somehow, SNY knew exactly what was coming out of Minaya's mouth at that point. It was reality television that didn't need a script as today's reality television often needs to stay relevant and "hip". This was reality television so compelling, you found people that normally don't give a hoot about the intricacies of baseball keeping their remotes tuned to "The WheelHouse".

Is it right to be skeptical of Rubin? Sure ... at least in the way that we should be initially skeptical of anyone whose motives aren't apparent at first glance. After all, we live in a society where we've been burned so often by lies, fraud, and ponzi schemes that if Watergate had happened today, half the population would be digging into the past of Bernstein and Woodward to unearth some application they've filled out to apply for the office of President.

But I can't think of one thing that Rubin has ever burned Met fans on ... whereas I can think of various investigations, injuries, and broken bones that have given Met fans various ailments, rashes, and broken bones from punching the wall as they realized that they had been had by Mets management again. Besides, Rubin's initial reaction ... caught expertly by that second SNY camera whether by happy accident or by receiving some "keen insight" ... seemed about as genuine as they come along with his further reaction in front of other reporters when he became part of the story. I can't guarantee that Rubin's story is true, but I go by what I see and what I know, which is what we all see and know. And that's to trust that the propaganda that comes from the Mets organization is to never be trusted.

For example, the assertion that human resources was already on the case with the Bernazard story long before Rubin's articles were published, somehow implying that the club would have come to the same conclusion without Rubin, and that they wouldn't have spared Bernazard's job. Know this about human resources departments: the reason they exist first and foremost is to protect the big boys, to keep top ranking executives out of trouble. The interests of the low level workforce is well down on the list. The notion that the Mets' human resources department was going to come up with a report that would have put Bernazard out on the street is absurd.

But Bernazard is out on the street, thanks in large part to Rubin, who should be praised at this moment for excellent reporting ... instead he finds himself squarely in the center of a three ring circus for no good reason, whether he ever sent a resume to the Mets or not. The Bingo Mets incident should have been the best thing to happen to this franchise. It may still be. But right now, it only became the thread sticking out of the quilt that may become a full fledged pile of yarn when it's all said and done.

To state the obvious, Omar Minaya made himself look like a vindictive child on this one, for reasons we'll never know. If Minaya had made this a paper statement ... if he had used the same method of electronic mail that he used to let Rubin and others know that Willie Randolph (whom you couldn't blame for having a huge smile on his face right now) had been fired, the worst that would have happened would be the media accusing Minaya of trying to sweep this under the rug and not face the media to talk about it. But that probably would have made up 5-10% of the total reaction of the beat writers. Minaya should have come out of this as the good guy. It was a slam dunk.

Instead, he's placed the target squarely on his back when it didn't need to be. The target is especially big and bright when you consider that Minaya needed to have a second press gathering to apologize for the first one ... when there shouldn't have been one at all. And in this second gathering, you had Minaya apologizing not for what he implied, but that he implied it in a public setting. Meanwhile, you had Jeff Wilpon basically saying that the conversations that Rubin had regarding career advancement were impromptu and common, and that Rubin did nothing wrong (after all the writers who have worked for the Daily News that have gone on to work for the NHL or the Yankees, of course he did nothing wrong). So there you have it: a manager and an owner, standing in the same room, telling two different versions of the same story. And I'm supposed to be skeptical of Rubin?

Again, you expected something different with this franchise?

Yes, it was truly a bizarre Monday ... the least bizarre occurrence being Fernando Tatis not hitting into a double play as a pinch hitter with the bases loaded. And when that's the least crazy thing to happen in 24 hours, then it's been a mind-blowing 24 hours.

So belly up to the bar, getcha popcorn ready, and be prepared for the final act of the big top to unfold over the last two months of the season. Because remember, whenever you think it can't get worse, it always does. Brand new day? More like same old stench. George Santayana would like to remind you that those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it ... and that you're buying the next round. (You see the afterlife isn't much different from your present form: the fans always get stuck with the bill.)

Animals Sprouting Wings

The Mets won a series! I must go to a bar and celebrate. Perhaps I can get there on the back of one of those flying pigs I've been seeing the last couple of hours

Well good thing the Mets won the series in Houston on Sunday. You never know what could happen with Mike Scott looming for the next game.

Oh, no no. Thankfully the only Houston the Mets will be facing on Monday will be Huston Street, who hasn't walked anybody in about the same period of time that David Wright went without hitting a home run.

The Mets didn't need a home run today as they strung some hits together, including a shocking triple by Luis Castillo. It was shocking in its pure distance to the power alley from the lefthanded bat of Castillo ... clearly trying to overcompensate for the lack of dingers on this club.

What the Mets did need was for Livan Hernandez to not be the first human to be involved in a "Cars for Clunkers" transaction. He looked like he was going to the scrap heap after the first inning, when the Astros had a golden opportunity to get five or six instead of the three that they did get (while others were probably thinking the Mets were lucky to get out of that alive, I was thinking that Livan Hernandez still only got one man out with the two runners being thrown out and that his ERA should have been about 127.) But after the first inning, the Livanmobile still has a working engine. It might need a bobbie pin stuck in it to run (or a side of beef), but it's running, and it's safe for another day.

If nothing else, the series win might make us forget about the latest Tony Bernazard story. It shouldn't, but it might.

The Jinx Continues

Hideo Nomo. David Cone. Tom Seaver. Nolan Ryan. Dwight Gooden. Mike Scott. Jim Bibby. A.J. Burnett. A sampling of names who have pitched no-hitters after leaving the Mets organization.

Al Leiter. John Candeleria. Frank Tanana. Hideo Nomo. Dock Ellis. Warren Spahn. Don Cardwell. Kenny Rogers. Scott Erickson. These are players who had no-hitters in their resumes before coming to the Mets.

On Thursday, Mark Buehrle created his own category: Pitchers who spun perfect games after I write a post suggesting we trade for him. (The picture will look very familiar.)

I don't bring this up as a "see, told you so" point ... oh, who am I kidding, of course I am. After all, how many times am I right about anything? Once? Twice? I have to milk this for the little it's worth. But it is worth very little. Because when it's all said and done, if the Mets had made the deal I suggested, not only would Buehrle not have a perfect game or a no-hitter for the Mets, he would have been arrested well before today for selling arms to the Dominican Republic or something.

But here's the real point I'd like to make: If you haven't seen the highlights of the perfecto by now ... if you were at a wedding reception on a Thursday or you were on a safari expedition, or maybe you were just finishing up your three week boycott of ESPN because John Kruk had the gall to say that vegetables were overrated, check out the catch that led off the ninth inning. Considering the surrounding situation, it was probably one of the most spectacular clutch catches ever in life.

Think about it. Defense, for a guy who doesn't have 17 walks in 17 innings. Imagine that.

Duly noted, Dewayne Wise was a ninth inning defensive replacement. But do you realize how many errors have been made this season while Buehrle's on the mound? Four. F*&$ing four ... in 134 innings. I'd be willing to guarantee that part of that has been due to Buehrle's habit of working quick and throwing strikes, something Oliver Perez doesn't do, and keeping his defense on its toes.

But here's the wacky thing: Keeping in mind that Perez has pitched about 100 less innings than Buehrle, the number of errors the Mets have made this season while the maddeningly wild Oliver Perez is on the mound? One! One error, all year. You know who committed it? That's right, Daniel Murphy. Hard to say that was the fault of Perez. So guess what? Perez actually has received good defense behind him this season.

Which means that when you have a guy who has 38 walks in 38 innings, maybe defense is the least of his problems!

***

Since Buehrle is the order of the day, I want to talk about a recent quote of his:

"If I could just put a Cardinals jersey on for one day, throw one pitch, that would just be a dream come true."

It's relevant because for years, it seems like it's either been the dream of players to play in St. Louis, like Buehrle (a Missouri native), or that good players come play for the Cardinals and they fall in love with it there, such as Mark McGwire, Jim Edmonds and, probably soon, Matt Holliday.

If the Mets have any hope of regaining a little of that momentum, they have to fire Tony Bernazard.

It's a valid point to say that now that Bernazard's in the news, there's more of a mob mentality to fire him simply because he's in the line of fire and he's the man who's front and center in the tabloids right now, representing a team whose fan base is looking for a scapegoat. But who better to be a scapegoat than Bernazard? His firing certainly wouldn't be without merit. This is a guy who has a reputation that precedes him. This whole Bingo Mets thing isn't an isolated incident. He's had his hand in trouble for this organization from the beginning, from botching the original Carlos Delgado negotiations to manipulating Willie Randolph out of his job to all the dopey shenanigans this season. That it's beginning to bubble over now only magnifies the problem, not merely starts the problem.

(I mean really ... a hand gesture? Thin-skinned much, Tony?)

So firing Bernazard is as much about reality as it is about perception. But make no mistake, it's about perception too. And as you know, perception is reality. To keep Bernazard after the Bingo Mets incident, whether it's overblown or not, would send the absolute wrong message from an organization who has been handing those out like candy lately. And forget the fans, how do you think players around the league are perceiving the Mets right now? If Carlos Beltran is furious at the organization at the way they handled his injury, much like others have been (Ryan Church, anyone), don't you think this is going to affect the decisions of prospective free agents? If the Mets have become a running joke among their fan base, I can only imagine what a guy like, say, Doc Halladay must be thinking.

(And by the way, what kind of message does it send to all the working stiffs out there who are losing their jobs simply for being alive during a recession to keep this guy on the payroll despite acting like a moron?)

Keeping Bernazard tells players and fans that pre-existing relationships, yes man sycophants and "good old retread networks" are more important than putting the best people in the best position to get the job done. And that's not a message the Mets need to put out there after what's happened to this franchise since Game 7 in 2006. Yes, if the Mets are five games in first place then the Bingo incident doesn't mean as much. But the placement in the standings means everything. Their placement in the standings is completely relevant, because it's gone on long enough where you can realistically say that 2006 was the fluke.

And that's not even mentioning that Bernazard is the VP of Player Development, and nobody's developing anything except meniscus tears and bone bruises. Think about it this way: Fans have come up with the refrain that "You know, I'd like to see how other teams fare after losing their best players to the DL." Well, the Angels are now 10-2 since losing Torii Hunter and Vladimir Guerrero. They've also been missing Kelvim Escobar for over a month, and didn't have John Lackey until May 16th. Not to mention they tragically lost Nick Adenhart in April. The team is 56-38.

Do you know who their VP of Player Development is? No? Well neither do I because he or she isn't out ripping off his or her shirt in the locker room of the Arkansas Travelers and getting his or herself in the newspaper.

It's all about perception and reality. In many ways, they're one in the same. And both perception and reality dictate that Bernazard has to go.

(Editor's note: The Angels director of player development is Abe Flores.)

***

And finally, John Maine might miss the rest of the season because of his injury. In other news, studies show that water can make you wet.

A Post About Nothing

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For some comedy that actually has a chance of being funny, why not visit Comix Comedy Club on July 30th where Mets Weekly's Julie Alexandria will join the newest New York Ranger Chris Higgins for some sports themed comedy? Here's a taste of what you'll experience.