National Disaster

Would Jason Marquis have been the be-all end-all of the Mets return to glory in 2010? Most likely not. Would he have been a small part of the solution when in tandem with other smart acquisitions? Maybe. Should the fact that Marquis signed with the Nationals give you cause to pull your hair out of your head?

It should. Not so much because Marquis going to the Washington Nationals makes them favorites to win the N.L. East ... he doesn't. Not so much because he's going to win 21 games for Washington ... he's not. But if you're a Met fan, the following quote from Jason Marquis should give you convulsions:

"I want to play for a team that is headed in the right direction and making the moves that is necessary to get themselves back to being a winning organization. Some of the moves the Nationals have made -- like [signing Stephen Strasburg] signing Pudge [Ivan Rodriguez] and getting [Brian Bruney] -- they are making the necessary steps. I feel I can fit right in and bring a winning attitude to the team." -Jason Marquis

Now, if Marquis has signed with Washington, or somewhere else for that matter, for the three seasons at $10 million per that he was looking for before, then you really couldn't blame the Mets for passing. But you mean to tell me that a team that missed out on John Lackey with the rotation deficiencies that the Mets have couldn't pony up two seasons at $15 million total for a guy who has been putting up neon signs over his head all year that he wanted to come to New York? Marquis was practically wearing a giant Statue of Liberty head to the mound in Colorado, and they couldn't snag him at that price? And not only that, they lost him to one of the few teams below them in the standings because they, of all things, have a plan and are "headed in the right direction"?

Think about that as Jason Bay is hoping that the Elmjack little leaguers can raise about $61 million in sales of Nestle Crunch bars so that he can have another option ... any option ... other than the Mets.

Satan's Series

At midnight on Monday, October 26th, the New York Yankees won the 2009 American League pennant, completing a World Series matchup with the Philadelphia Phillies.

Also at midnight on Monday, October 26th, the movie Armageddon was starting on my cable system.

How fitting.

The movie had a happy ending. But this, my friends, is Baseball Armageddon. There is no happy ending. Satan has been unleashed. The minions have arrived on earth. The Mayan calendar has ended little more than three years earlier than expected. The world will never be the same. And the next two weeks are going to be the worst two weeks on earth.

In one respect, this awful season couldn't have ended any other way. The good news is that now, there really is no possible season that could possibly be any worse than this. (At least 1993 saw Toronto in the fall classic to defeat the Phillies.)

But in another respect, we have a final battle where there can be no winners. Only pain and anguish. I'm here, fellow Met fans, to quell that pain and anguish ... because you're unknowingly inflicting it on yourselves.

About a week ago, I set out on a quest to win a Nobel Peace Prize. Unfortunately, my original plan to bring the sabermetricians and the scouts together in harmony was put to rest when I was informed that they were no longer at war. But undeterred, I still seek this honor. Because this, this is a much more noble (Nobel?) crusade.

Anyone over the age of 40 will surely remember, and those under that age surely read about it in their history books, but in 1980 Jimmy Carter pulled the United States Olympians out of the Moscow games because of the Soviet Union's invasion of Afghanistan. The athletes didn't like it. But it was for their own good. Friends, consider me your Jimmy Carter. (Carter, it should be noted, is a past winner of the Nobel Prize for Peace.) Though I realize that I'm not the boss of you, I'm making a decision on behalf of all of you that you may not like, but please trust me when I tell you that it's for your own good, and the good of the planet.

I'm boycotting the 2009 World Series, and pulling all Met fans around the world out of it. You may not like it, but it's for your own good.

For those of you who have made that decision already, good for you. You're doing a service to your community. But I see way too many of you on the internets feel that you have to choose a side. Maybe it's because it's the World Series, or because you don't want to have baseball on somewhere on your dial and not be watching it, and choosing a side will help you be able to watch the games. Let me tell you that no good can come of either outcome.

I'm all for hatred of the Phillies, but rooting for the Yankees is not the answer. Do you really want to have your Yankee fan friends to be all nice to you and tell you that "hey, you've gotta root for New York" (sorry, I hate that) only to then come up to you all winter and tell you that "Hey, we took care of the team that you couldn't ... you're welcome!" in that slimy, smarmy, Yankee voice? Do you want that condescending pat on the back from those people welcoming you to the dark side? You want to be on the same side as these people for the next 4-7 games? When they go back to laughing at you the rest of the winter, and when John Sterling provides the soundtrack to your winter, you're going to be sorry you rooted for them.

Conversely, Yankee hatred is a staple of society. But siding with the Phillies is also not the answer. I understand staying along league lines. But do you want to be on the same side of any argument with Brett Myers? Shane Victorino? Jimmy Rollins??? JIMMY ROLLINS??!?!? The same guy who's insecurities led him to bring up the Mets during their World Series parade? Really??!? When Phillie fans go back to pouring beer on your head and knocking you out with one punch in Citi Field, while Comcast Philly or My Philly 17 puts it on television (yes, this happened), and when the Phils clinch the series in New York and take the World Series trophy for a spin around the Citi Field parking lot that you once knew as your beloved Shea Stadium before heading to the airport, you're going to be sorry you rooted for them.

You get the point, right? Rooting for either one of these teams is like getting into bed with the head cheerleader for a night, only to have her tell the entire school about your shortcomings in bed. Is this what you want??? All winter??!?!? Have some self respect.

But worse than that, do you really want Mets fans fighting with other Mets fans about why rooting for one over the other is more palatable? Maybe these kind of arguments wouldn't happen too much in bars across New York ... and maybe only one of these drunken discussions between Met fans would result in a bar fight. But my friends, that would be one bar fight too many. The few friendships between Met fans that would end because one of them rooted for the Yankees would be one friendship too many. Don't let yourselves be driven apart by taking sides in this mess. Let the Yankee fans and the Phillie fans be the ones to throw hands with each other. Let's not eat our own young, or commit Met on Met crime. You're playing right into Satan's hands. This is what he wants. This is why he's here with his minions.

That's why my solution, my message of peace, is your only chance at a dignified existence over the grueling days and weeks to come. Trust me, it's not worth it. You want to make a statement, turn your backs. Walk away. Have dinner with your families. Watch Armageddon on your local cable system ... it's on, like, all the time! And it has a happy ending even though Bruce Willis dies. (C'mon, like you didn't know.) Read Ron Darling's book, or Greg Prince's Faith and Fear in Flushing. Buy a box set of Gilmore Girls. Anything! You have the power to reject Satan, and stop the inevitability of doom for yourselves. You have the power.

And if your curiosity takes over and you must know what is happening between the minions of Satan, get the scores through telegraph or Pony Express (they still exist, right?) And if you must use the television, at least have the decency of turning on the Spanish version on WWOR so that Joe Buck doesn't cause your ears to bleed. And for heaven's sake boo ... everything. Every play, every strikeout, every hit, home run, and balk ... regardless on who's on which side of the play. Boo.

But you can't take sides. It's for the good of humanity. Please, heed my message of peace and freedom. Oh sure, some might twist that around and say "well, you're taking away our freedom to pick a side." But what I'm saying is this: free yourself from the tyranny that you have to take a side to watch this World Series. Friends, follow me. Follow me to freedom. To Switzerland. To a brief respite of happiness before you have to deal with the Metropolitan signings of Jason Marquis and Hideki Matsui to keep Oliver Perez company on the disabled list. Help me fight evil.

The fate of the world is in your hands.

Frenchy's Two Cents

There's a knock at the door to Omar Minaya's office after the Braves kick the Mets' heads in again ...

OM: Come in.

JF: Hey Omar, it's Frenchy. Say, I've been hearing some rumors that you're going to sign me long term. That's really great!

OM: You should know not to read the papers, Jeff ... especially that Adam Rubin fellow.

JF: But I've been great for you this season. I've been raking ... three hits a game, every game.

OM: What happened tonight?

JF: Oh, please. Who can hit Jair Jurrjens these days?

OM: And your leadership is a question mark.

JF: Question mark? Are you kidding? I smile, I slam coolers after tough losses, I've befriended everyone in the clubhouse, I'm the soul of your club right now!

OM: Yeah, well when everyone was growing beards until the club got to .500, you jumped ship and shaved. What kind of leadership is that?

JF: Omar, if we had stuck to that, we'd all have disease ridden beards right now. And with the swine flu going around, the trainers would have had to give our beards Purell baths every day. And if you had let Tim Redding stop trimming that animal on his face, it would have been down to his feet, and he would have tripped over it and torn his MCL and ACL by now. Do you want that on your conscience?

OM: I guess sometimes leadership is subjective.

JF: And practical.

OM: Well I have a lot of problems to worry about for next season before I worry about you.

JF: Well that's another reason I'm here. I know of someone who really wants to be a Met next year, and he'll solve all your problems.

OM: Is his name Koufax?

JF: No ...

OM: Pujols?

JF: No, (chuckles) it's Jason Marquis!

OM: Marquis? Is that French, like Marquis de Sade?

JF: I think so.

OM: I don't employ French players.

JF: But you traded for me, and I've got to have French in me ... Francoeur???

OM: Skip was desperate to get rid of Church. And honestly, I thought you were from Samoa.

JF: C'mon Omar, you knew my nickname was "Frenchy" ...

OM: I thought it was ironic.

JF: And why don't you have French night? It's always Latin night, putting "Los" Mets on the jerseys. How come we never se "Le Mets"?

OM: That has nothing to do with any Latin night.

JF: What do you mean?

OM: It's supposed to say "Loser" The jerseys are supposed to read "Loser Mets".

JF: Huh?

OM: Look, I can't explain ... but I'm not signing Marquis.

JF: Why not?

OM: Well, look at him. He looks too much like Fred Savage on steroids. I can't have a steroid scandal here in Flushing, Frenchy.

JF: Come on, Omar. Sign him ... he's my buddy!

OM: Look, you can't just waltz in here after three months telling me how to do my job and getting me to hire your friends. That never works anyway.

JF: But look at the season he's had ...

OM: Jeff do you know what it takes to be a GM, and think hard before you answer that ... because to be a great GM you have to start thinking about 2010 in 2006. I have a specific plan that will make sense to everybody after it's been put into practice. Just trust me and worry about your on base percentage.

JF: Care to fill me in?

OM: Yeah, I'm going to sign LeBron James.

JF: Huh?

OM: He's the best 2010 free agent out there.

JF: Umm, that's not ... even the same ... uh, sport ...

OM: Now, are there any other questions, Frenchy?

JF: Yeah, how do I get into player development?

Role Reversal

I've been on that other side, Rockies fans. Really ... I have. Because last season Jason Marquis was the fifth starter playing for the team that had nothing to play for, and he hit a grand slam and helped put a nail in the Mets coffin.

Now, Jason Marquis is the ace. And he's playing for the team that actually has something to play for. I wonder how much Rockie fans will rue the day they lost to fifth starter Pat Misch (who am I kidding, we have five fifth starters.) While Misch didn't hit a grand slam, he did shut down the Colorado lineup well enough for his first major league win in his 55th major league game. David Wright's three RBI without the space helmet didn't hurt either.

I wish we could really get a gauge as to how this latest embarrassment of pitching riches is going to affect the Mets thinking in terms of the rotation for next season. Has Misch or even Tim Redding proven enough to be considered for employment in 2010? I hope that nobody is fooled into thinking that bringing these guys back and giving them starting slots is an acceptable way to save money next year. But Misch is young enough, shown enough, and has just enough upside (not Scott Kazmir upside, but y'know ... Jason Marquis upside) to be considered to have some sort of role next season. But everybody needs to be a little careful.

But who knows. Heck, Misch may have to be the number two starter at some point next season. Why? Because one day, Mike Pelfrey's going to go for another run in the parking lot after a bad start and not come back ... ever!

And when Pelfrey was running around the parking lot, he passed by Kris and Anna Benson having "relations".

Speaking of 2010, we also saw Josh Thole today catch his first major league game and get a couple of hits in the process. Here's hoping, within reason because he's a catcher, that he gets enough playing time to get his feet truly wet at the major league level. And conversely that the Mets don't fall under the trap of giving Brian Schneider the bulk of the playing time because the Mets want to sell tickets.

Although they may need to sell extra tickets to help Jerry Koosman get out of debt with the IRS. Boy, not even the 1969 team gets through this season unscathed. Tax evasion? What's next, Tom Seaver gets two years for smuggling wine to Italy?

Pitcher Grand Slams Are So Four Months Ago

So much for the "Cubs have nothing to play for theory". Yeah, I loved when people asked me "Hey, the Cubs have nothing to play for so that should help the Mets, right?" Oh yeah, except that these are the same Mets who lost the last four out of six to the Braves ... who also had nothing to play for except jamming it down our necks. And the Cubs at half speed are better than these Braves at full speed. The Mets speed? Think Mo Vaughn running through 100 yards of marshmallow fluff.

The same marshmallow fluff that Jon Niese threw to Jason Marquis for his grand slam, which helped crushed the Mets tonight in the first day of the rest of your life. So let me get this straight: This is the Cubs team the Mets are supposed to beat in the first round? The team that has nothing to play for?

That's all right ... Because the way they're going, soon the Mets will have nothing to play for too.

(Editor's note: "Choke" opens in theatres this Friday. Apparently, they made a movie about 2007. Lucky for them the sequel's being written as we speak.)

Benefitting From The Wildness Of Others

The ball wasn't even in the glove when Gary Cohen bellowed "ball four" to signal the completion of the comeback against the Chicago Cubs...as if there was any other way that game could end after Michael Wuertz couldn't find the plate against Endy Chavez and Carlos Beltran (don't let the "intentional walk" on the stat sheet fool you, that Beltran walk was three balls and a white flag).

Carlos Delgado, who I'm sure was tempted to either ground a ball to the left side or lay down a bunt to send a message regarding the "Delgado shift", instead did the sensible thing and worked out a walk (off win) against Wuertz to put the seal-a-meal on a 5-4 victory, and their return to first place (thank you, Jason Bergmann).

Tom Glavine wasn't sharp in seeking victory number 295, giving up a single to Jason Marquis drove home that point along with two runs. But the Mets bullpen outperformed the Cubs bullpen, as not only did Wuertz give it away in the ninth, but they roughed up a guy who's ice cream I bought over the weekend.

Rocky Cherry?

There's a name that's about as ill-advised as the plot line that had Florence date Bentley in the later seasons of The Jeffersons.

Yeah, that show was put to rest a little late. Here's what else is put to rest: talk of David Wright's slump. Wright is hitting .429 since May 7th, which just happens to be the day that Wright shaved his head and had the rest of the team shave theirs!!! So when you're looking for the turning point in the young man's season...

(Well, not really. Wright actually shaved his head on May 8th...but this is what's known as poetic license, which is what major networks like FOX will take when trying to come up with storylines for the turning point of David Wright's slump come October...because come on, you don't really expect the network to mention the Mets and their shaved heads before Saturday's telecast of Mets/Yankees? They're working on their six minute Matt DeSalvo piece as we speak!)