Friday, September 02, 2005

Crystal Ball: The Road Trip

I was asked in the comment section to give prophecies on Friday's Mets/Marlins showdown in Miami. As I am a man of the people, and I do take requests, I did just that.

But with the road trip that will make or break the 2005 season on the horizon, why stop there? I do fancy myself a soothsayer...well, time to start saying some serious sooth.

Friday, September 2nd:

Victor Zambrano gets this start because he does well against the Marlins in Pro Robbie Stadium. Zambrano will reach the 100 pitch mark in the first inning as he will walk a record 17 batters to start the game for a 13-0 Marlins lead. In a cruel and ironic twist, Steve Trachsel will enter the game and retire 24 straight batters, and he will snicker uncontrollably while walking off the mound in the eighth inning as the Mets drop the first game 13-2.

Saturday, September 3rd:

The Mets will take a 2-1 lead into the eighth during a pitching duel between Kris Benson and Josh Beckett. Roberto Hernandez will retire the first two batters in the eighth...however after a Carlos Delgado foul ball causes a young girl to fall over and injure her head, Hernandez will run to try to help her. But when he crosses the first base line he becomes his true 85 year old doctor from Chisholm, MN. Heath Bell will relieve Hernandez and promptly give up a two run HR to Delgado for a 3-2 Marlins win.

Sunday, September 4th:

Willie Randolph starts Victor Zambrano again, figuring Friday's start was a fluke, and wanting to get him another start in Florida because of his numbers in Dolphins Stadium, er...uh, before Friday. Zambrano will walk another 10 batters in 2 and 2/3 innings, but Juan "The Fly" Padilla will relieve for the final 6 and 1/3 and the Mets win 4-1 on the strength of Fluff Castro's grand slam.

Monday, September 5th (Atlanta):

The Mets fly into Ted Turner international on Sunday night and each player picks up a voodoo doll of a different Brave player at the gift shop. Jae Seo starts for the Mets against Matt Harrison; called up to the Braves specifically to exploit the Mets weakness against pitchers they've never seen before. Matt Harrison pitches eight shutout innings, as Seo gives up the only run of the game on a Julio Franco steal of home. The Mets tie the game in the ninth on a Miguel Cairo single...but the run is taken off the board as Cairo's bat shatters and it is discovered that he has corked his bat with Marshmallow Fluff. The Mets lose 1-0.

Tuesday, September 6th:

Randolph starts Victor Zambrano for the third time in five days to get Pedro Martinez some extra rest. Zambrano has a no-hitter for six innings but walks 14 batters in the seventh inning to give the Braves a 10-9 lead. The Mets take the lead 11-10 in the eighth inning on a two run single by David Wright...but the two runs are taken off the board as Bobby Cox cites an obscure rule that no batter shall have the laces on his cleats tied in a turquoise turtle knot. The Braves go on to win 10-9.

Wednesday, September 7th:

Pedro Martinez has a no-hitter through seven innings as the Mets have a 3-0 lead on the Braves. But chaos ensues as Martinez, enraged at Leo Mazzone's constant rocking, goes into the dugout and throws him to the ground. The recently called up Kaz Ishii has to come in and replace the ejected Martinez, and promptly gives up home runs to three more minor leaguers called up from Rome and the Mets go on and lose 4-3.

Thursday, September 8th (St. Louis):

Mike Piazza calls a players only meeting and threatens to beat everyone within an inch of their life with the cast on his left hand if the team doesn't start playing better. To emphasize his point, he brings in former Met John Franco to throw a garbage can. Carlos Beltran 0 for 28 on the road trip, responds with a double. Chris Woodward appears on his first milk carton as not only has he not started since August 28th, nobody's seen him since leaving Miami international. Randolph, meanwhile, starts Victor Zambrano for the fourth time in seven days, citing Zambrano's keen ability to spell "GRUDZIELANEK". Zambrano fires 297 pitches but keeps it close. However, the Mets fall in extra innings as Braden Looper gives up a three run home run to David Eckstein. Looper leaves a tape recorder in his locker after the game for reporters, where a tape was looped to say "I suck" 276 times.

Friday, September 9th:

Willie Randolph's new Subway Sandwich commercial debuts:

Joe Torre: "Hey Willie, why did you get the carne asada instead of the chicken?"
Willie Randolph: "Joe, it was my decision."
Joe Torre: "But don't you know chicken is better for you than red meat?"
Willie Randolph: "Well, I thought that...I hadn't had the carne asada was my decision."

Subway, eat fresh.

Jose Reyes hits four triples...and after the fourth triple, Larry Walker has to be carted off on a stretcher with an oxygen tank.

Mets win 4-2.

Saturday, September 10th:

Good news to start the day as Chris Woodward was found sleeping in an equiptment bag clutching a Mr. Met doll and a powerbar.

Tom Glavine takes the mound today, and he strolls to the hill in a nasty mood because he's off his normal rotation. Behind the plate is Larry Young, who umped Glavine's start on September first. Tom Glavine throws thirty pitches in inning number one, all of them are called balls by Young, as his strike zone has officially shrunk to the size of Jim Duquette's offer to Vladimir Guerrero. Glavine, who never shows emotion, is ejected after he pile drives Young to the ground screaming "You Quest-ec son of a bitch!!!".

Amazingly, Aaron Heilman comes on in relief and pitches seven strong innings as the Mets come back with six runs off of Julian Tavarez as the Mets win 7-5.

Sunday, September 11th:

Randolph checks the weather report and sees that the temperature in St. Louis at game time will be 88 degrees. He checks his piles of game notes and sees that Zambrano has a 0.00 ERA in two thirds of an inning in his career when the game time temperature is 88 degrees. After he sees that, he pencils Zambrano in to make his 5th start of the road trip. But disaster strikes as on the second pitch to David Eckstein, Zambrano's right arm is completely detached from his body. Pitching coach Rick Peterson goes to see if Victor is all right, and Zambrano insists he's OK. Amazingly, Zambrano throws five innings of one hit ball with his left arm, while walking eight.

The Mets have a 4-3 lead in the ninth inning as Braden Looper comes into the game. Albert Pujols leads off the inning with a single, but Looper rebounds to strike out Jim Edmonds and Mark Grudzielanek. Looper then works So Taguchi to a 3-2 count when Taguchi fouls off 45 pitches before lining a single to right field. Tony LaRussa decides to pinch hit for Abraham Nunez...and because of this, Randolph decides to pull his closer in favor of Jose Santiago and his sinkerball. Santiago works a 2-2 count before giving up a three run home run to pinch hitter...

Terry Pendleton. Cardinals win 6-4, and the Mets go 3-7 on the road trip.


Kyle in Newport News said...

Thanks for the prophecies, and for providing at least three solid Mets laughs to redeem an otherwise long, lousy day of Metdom.

erik love said...

In Other New's

Met$tra, the Dolphins freakin stink! Their D isn't as good as last year, their going to make their best Defensive End(Jason Talyor) play some linebacker, like an ass.

Aj Feeley freakin Stink's, he couldn't score on our Practice Sqaud Player's. Literally! He couldn't! He got picked off for Eric Pratt!(who?)

That team WON'T make the Playoff's this year dude.

Anonymous said...

hilarious as always.

Anonymous said...

Not too upset about Trax going to the bullpen are ya? you forgot to mention that willie will sit Floyd during the sunday game against St. louis so he can get Cairo's bat in the lineup..hitting cleanup of course.

G-Fafif said...

Willie's gotta figure out a way to get Zambrano in there more. He didn't lose a single game last September.

Anonymous said...

Hysterical. I had tears in my eyes, especially over the Zambrano stuff.

hasan said...

haha! hilarious.

Jaap said...

Four out of five comments surveyed agreed: hilarious stuff. Did you know that Victor Zambrano is undefeated in games he's pitched when he wears his underwear inside out, hasn't bathed for six consecutive days and eats a breakfast of eggs, black beans, shredded beef, a variety of white cheeses, sour cream, fresh salads, plantains and arepas? Apparently, Rick Peterson isn't doing his homework.