Monday, August 01, 2005

A Day In The Life...

With all of the dizzying rumors amounting to nothing, it's a great mystery as to what really happened as the hours ticked down to zero hour...4PM on July 31st. We may never know. We can only guess...

6:17 AM: Omar Minaya is awoken by a phone call from Rangers GM John Hart:

OM: Hello?

JH: Hi Omar it's John.

OM: Hi John.

JH: Change your mind on the Soriano deal?

OM: Well what do you want in return?

JH: Cameron, Milledge, and Petit.

OM: Gee, you want my first born too?

JH: Can she pitch?

OM: Good bye John.

8:29 AM: After a few more minutes of sleep, and a hearty bacon and eggs breakfast, Minaya calls his good buddy Theo Epstein:

TE: Omar, I had a feeling it was you.

OM: Do I hear correct about Manny?

TE: Yeah, he requested a trade for the 17th time in the last two months. He feels that he has no privacy when he takes a leak in the Green Monster. He needs a bathroom with more privacy.

OM: We can build a bathroom in left field for him. Can I interest you in Tom Glavine?

TE: Does he need more privacy?

OM: No, but he needs his own bathroom.

TE: I'll get back to you.

10:10 AM: The phone rings again:

OM: It's Omar...

CL: Heeeeeeeeeey you sonofabitch how the hell are you, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaawww!

OM: Chuck? Chuck Lamar??

CL: Yeah baby! I just got back from this wild party and I am letting loose with Grey Goose! Wooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

OM: Chuck, can I help you?

CL: Yeah, do me a favor man, trade me David Wright.

OM: You ARE drunk.

CL: No really, you want to trade me David Wright you big ol' sonofabitch!

OM: Call me when you're sober, Chuck. (hangs up).

11:06 AM: Cell phone rings:

OM: It's Omar.

JB: Hey, Jim Beattie from the Orioles.

OM: Hey Jim. I assume you want Mike Cameron?

JB: Nah, I wanted to see if you wanted to revive those Floyd for Sosa talks.

OM: Jim, I didn't do it when he was with Chicago, why would I trade Floyd for Sosa now?

JB: Look, the O's are slumping, Angelos is furious, Flanagan is cursing everyone out, and Jim Palmer's running around in his underwear trashing my office. And I can't figure out why Victor Conte's been hanging around Raffy's locker. I can't take it anymore, I have to do something.

OM: Well what's wrong with Cameron? I'll take Julio and Bigbie.

JB: I can discuss that, hold on...Jim stop that! Stop that Palmer!!! PALMER THAT WAS MY BILLY RIPKEN PAPERWEIGHT DAMMIT!!! Omar, I gotta call you back.

1:28 PM: Dayn Perry of FOX Sports gets a hold of Minaya:

DP: Hi Omar, Dayn Perry of FOX Sports dot com.

OM: Dayn, I have nothing to report to you. Nothing is imminent, everybody wants a kings ransom for their players. I can't give you anything (the call waiting goes off) hold on Dayn, (clicks over) It's Omar...

KB: Omar, it's Kris Benson.

OM: What's wrong?

KB: Are you trading me for Manny Ramirez?

OM: Look, I can't promise you anything, but right now you're not going anywhere, so I wouldn't worry.

KB: Good, because Anna's really freaking out. There's no modeling opportunities in Boston and she's kind of taking it out on me.

OM: Look, I'm on the other line but listen, tell Anna you're not going anywhere, and tell her no sex on game night! I gotta go. (clicks over) Sorry about that Dayn.

DP: That's OK, I think I have my story. See ya Omar.

OM: What? Wait! I said "sex on game night" not "Richie Sexson"! (Perry hangs up). Damn phone!

2:59 PM: Omar calls Cubs GM Jim Hendry:

JH: Whaddaya say Omar?

OM: Hey, has John called you about Soriano?

JH: Yeah, funny he asked me for pie in return.

OM: Felix Pie?

JH: No, key lime pie. You should taste some, my wife spent all night on it.

OM: Son of a bitch. (The call waiting clicks). Hold on Jim (clicks) It's Omar.

CL: Oooooooooh, my head.

OM: Lamar, is that you?

CL: Omar, I can't remember anything I've done over the past 32 wife told me I called you and asked for David Wright. Is that true?

OM: Yes, you did.

CL: Oh. 'bout it? Wright and Reyes for Baez?

OM: You drunk! (Hangs up and clicks back to Hendry) Sorry Jim.

JH: Oh that's OK. Listen, while I was on hold, I just traded for Matt Lawton, so I gotta go.

OM: Damn...I mean, that's fine Jim.

3:04 PM: Theo calls back...

OM: Theo, what's the word?

TE: Omar, Manny says that he'll stay, but only if we take the green skittles out of the post game spread...and something about an evil monkey in his locker.

OM: What?

TE: Well we've got clubhouse guys working on the skittles.

OM: What about the monkey?

TE: Oh, Millar kidnapped it from Anaheim.

OM: So I guess that means no deal?

TE: Not unless you want Oil Can Boyd.

OM: Well, tempted as I am to infuse a youth movement into our Norfolk team, I'll pass. Thanks.

3:26 PM: Omar takes John Hart to task:

OM: Hey John, how come you're trying to rip me off but you only asked Hendry for pie?

JH: Omar! It's just good business. Besides, have you had that key lime pie?

OM: Nah, I'm a cheesecake guy.

JH: Oh, that's too bad. Well anyway, we're not trading Soriano. Our sabremetric guys told me a very interesting fact about Soriano which led me to believe that we should keep him.

OM: What did they tell you?

JH: That he's good.

OM: Wait, wha...never mind. I gotta go see if I can make another deal.

3:50 PM: Minaya tries one more thing:

BC: Cash here.

OM: Hey Cash, it's Omar.

BC: Hi Omar.

OM: You do anything today?

BC: We traded Groom to Arizona after he trashed Saint Joe...other than that, I'm stumped for ideas.

OM: I'm in the same boat. You think there's anything we can trade?

BC: How about jobs?

OM: What?

BC: Omar, I gotta get out of here, Steinbrenner is driving me insane! Get me this, get me that!

OM: Well, who does he want?

BC: Not players, calzones!

OM: You're not having a good day, are you?

BC: And he cries all the time too. I'm at my wits end here.

OM: Brian, I gotta go, I got another call. (clicks) It's Omar.

MC: Omar, It's Mike.

OM: Mike?

MC: Yeah, Mike Cameron.

OM: Mike, aren't you supposed to be playing?

MC: I am playing, we're at bat and I'm in the lockerroom. Listen, I just wanted to make're not trading me, are you?

OM: (exasperated) No Mike, you're staying right here.

MC: WOO HOO! Thanks Omar. I was really having a tough time! I thought I could handle it, but I can't! I've been having nightmares, and rashes, and everything! Thanks again Omar! Oh damn, I'm up, gotta go!

4 PM: The trade deadline is over.

OM: Hi it's Omar?

JS: Weeee goooot Faaaarns-woooorth! Yooooou caaaaaan't caaaaatch uuuuuus! Weeee goooot Faaaarns-woooorth!

OM: Schuerholz you bastard, I'll get you. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not for another 14 years. But one day day.

JS: You'll be with the Yankees by then anyway. BYE!

And thus ends another exciting trade deadline.


Darth Marc said...

What is wrong with you? I've got to put you out of your misery...

Anonymous said...

ha ha ha!!! very creative man!!

Mets Guy in Michigan said...

You are awesome!!! Laugh out loud funny!

Anonymous said...

I guess bugging Omar's phone worked. Good job buddy. Send Chuck Lamar another round of Jack Daniels. His Jedi mind trick did not work this time.

michael o. said...

Great stuff. I think Lamar does have a drinking problem. That explains a lot. Screw everyone.

Anonymous said...

"i love it, baby!"
-dick vitale

Mike McKasty said...

Metstradamus, you're awesome. Glad to have randomly found your blog, I'm hooked. I was hoping you'd post about tonight's win though... guess I'll have to wait till tomorrow.

Metstradamus said...

Thank you all for encouraging my dimented point of view. Mike, my latest update just missed you. Sorry for procrastinating.