Thursday, November 26, 2009

Elmer Dessens Wishes You A Happy Thanksgiving!

And why not? After all, you have a lot to be thankful for! First thing being that the Mets are interested in bringing their best reliever back for 2010. Hey, don't laugh, Elmer Dessens was the picture of health last season (ahh, that felt so good ... calling it "last" season.)

Also, you'll get to see him wear those spiffy new "throwbacks", on sale tomorrow at your local Mets clubhouse store just in time for the holidays. Although I gotta say, the cream color combined with the black drop shadow on them ("combines old and new elements of Mets uniforms", they call it) kinda looks like the white pinstriped uniforms hadn't been washed in a few months. That's okay. It just means Dessens will be "thrown back" to 2003, when he stunk.

But anyway, glad the Mets are busy designing new uniforms (which consisted of going from white to cream, and nothing else), Mets-izing Citi Field, (which they were shamed into doing, so let's see if they go all out or if they just paint the park "eggshell"), and wooing Elmer Dessens. Hard at work for you, the paying customer. And that, is what I'm thankful for this holiday season.

Now go eat.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Cyrano de Wilpon

(Our story begins with Matt Holliday returning to his crib after beers with the fellas ...)

MH: Don't forget, McGwire's the designated driver tonight. See you later, party animals.

OM: Hello Mr. Holliday.

MH: Oh! You're here. Well, talk. I will listen.

OM: I love you.

MH: Talk to me of love.

OM: I love ... you.

MH: Elaborate, please.

OM: I love you ... very much.

MH: I don't doubt that. And what further?

OM: I would love ... if you would love us too.

MH: You are offering me platitudes when I was hoping for a large contract. Tell me a little of how you love me.

OM: Very very much.

MH: Disentangle your sentiments.

OM: I love you.

MH: Again!

OM: No, I do not love you ... I adore you. Love makes me into a fool.

MH: This displeases me that you are no longer the confident man that would swoop in and tell stories of how it would be above all else to play for your team. That instead you are old and beaten.

OM: But ...

MH: Rally me your routed eloquence.

OM: I ...

MH: Yes, you love me. Now go away.

OM: But ...

MH: Oh sorry, you adore me. I've heard it. Drive home safe.

(Jeff Wilpon appears)

JW: What the hell are you doing?

OM: I was only ...

JW: I told you that you are no longer to do this without me. Now go stand over there. (Throws pebbles at Holliday's window)

OM: What? I'll die!!!


MH: Who is it?

OM: It's Omar!

MH: Oh it's you. Go away.

OM: I wish to speak to you.

MH: Your conversation is too common.

OM: (With prompting from Jeff) How common does 6 years $108 million sound?

MH: That's better. But why is your speech so stunted and interrupted?

OM: (moving towards the doorway, out of Holliday's sight) Because the dark ... I'm afraid of the dark.

MH: What's there to be afraid of? Why are your words difficult?

JW: (talking lower and mimicking Minaya's diction) What does it matter if they reach their destination? Your words merely drop ... My words have to climb to reach you.

MH: So does your contract offer.

JW: My heart is large ... and my wallet is (gulp) larger. With the masses that will surely fill Citi Field and buy our delectable fish sandwiches from Catch of the Day because of you, no price is too high for you.

MH: Now this ... this is love.

JW: But tell me, do you grasp my love's measure? Does some little part of my soul make itself felt of you in darkness and make you tremble?

MH: Yes, I tremble. And with a couple more million you can carry me away to your Field of Fish.

JW: That would be Citi Field. And yes, I will carry you away until death or Dr. Andrews do us part.

MH: I'll play for you Omar.

OM: (jumps in excitedly) And thus we will have you, Doc!!!

MH: Doc?

JW: DOC??!?

SB: Hey, what's going on here??!?


SB: What are the two of you doing here?

MH: The two of ... Jeff Wilpon? It was your words that wooed me?

JW: Umm, uhh?

MH: And you, Omar ... you thought I was Doc Halladay, didn't you?

SB: Get the hell out of Matt's apartment complex!!!

MH: Yeah, I'm re-signing with St. Louis.

JW: Omar you idiot (slaps him upside the head). What are we going to do now???

OM: Umm ... go to Boston to woo Jason Bay?

JW: (sigh) I'll drive.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Dream On

Lance Berkman has gotta stop eating Thai food right before he goes to bed. From Astros beat guy Brian McTaggart's Twitter, via Mets Fever:
Lance Berkman just told me: "Last night I had a dream I got traded to the Mets." He didn't say who the Astros got in return.
Funny, last night Lance had that dream where he's hitting .220 as a Met and Tony Bernazard is chasing him with an 18 inch needle trying to give him a cortisone shot while shirtless. And he woke up in a cold sweat and couldn't even make it to the bathroom before puking all over himself. Yeah, I hate when that happens.

Perhaps Berkman is looking for a change subconsciously, but will not admit it to himself. I couldn't find an interpretation of a dream involving a trade to the Mets, but if he's dreaming about a job change, perhaps these guys can explain:
The "you’re fired" dream could also be a sign of fear of rejection or an indication that you subconsciously want to end some relationship or situation (work or personal) in your life. Maybe you secretly fantasize about leaving your job or escaping from your cubicle. (...) One way or another, your dreams are probably telling you that it’s time to make some kind of change in your life.
If this passage helps you Lance, then it's time to go demand that trade. Maybe this passage can explain some other people's dreams as well. (*coughOmarcough*)

Friday, November 13, 2009

If You Can't Beat Him, Throw Money At Him

I'm not sure how I feel about the Mets' interest in Jo-El Pineiro. It's human nature to take note of a pitcher's success against you, and eliminate three losses a year by signing him to a long term deal.

I mean, on the one hand ... he's been unhittable against the Mets. On the other hand, so has everyone else. And much like hitters from Colorado (we're interested in one of those too), pitchers from St. Louis must be looked at with a skeptical eye, as Pineiro will not come with pitching coach Dave Duncan. Duncan may be the green crystal that Son of Jo-El needs to create his Sinker of Solitude, as in the solitary hit he gives up to the Mets every time he faces them. Without that green stick, would Pineiro be Clark Kent walking into the diner in Superman II and get the ever loving crap beat out of him? With the Mets' luck? Count on it.

Special appearance by Jimmy Rollins as "Zod"

Benny Agbayani: A You Tube Retrospective

With news that Benny Agbayani has finally retired after a long career in Japan, let's look at his most memorable moment as a Met (modified with video game footage because heaven forbid Bud Selig allow old baseball clips to be seen on You Tube:

How do we know Benny's cool? Who else gets their own chant? I don't hear any chants for Matt Holliday unless they involve "Thanks for catching that ball in L.A. you douche!"

Guess I'm wasting my time hoping for Benny Agbayani Night at Citi Field in 2010, right? Of course not ... not from the same people that can't calculate 10 percent.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

First Response, Or First Tease?

You have to assume that any rumor that involves dumping Luis Castillo's contract is probably too good to be true.

Look, my past man crush on Castillo is well documented. And he deserves a world of credit for bouncing back not once (from 2008), but twice (from the pop-up). But it's also well documented that you sell high. Or at least Castillo high which means you sell mediocre.

So this rumored deal which would send Castillo to the Cubs and Lyle Overbay to the Mets is absolutely the right thing to think about. It's the third part of that deal which will make or break it, which is Milton Bradley going from the Cubs to the Jays. And Toronto, reportedly and predictably, wants no part of Bradley. (Some say the Canadian exchange rate would change Bradley from slightly perturbed and misunderstood to certifiably insane.)

If these rumors do turn out to be a pipe dream, then at least those pesky Doc Halladay to the Phillies rumors can die a horrible death too. Or the rumor that I completely made up myself where the Phillies decline the option on Pedro Feliz for the sole purpose of signing Chone Figgins, and hence moving Jimmy Rollins down in the order.

Die rumors ... die.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Xavier Nady Stole My Couch

Metstradamus comes home from work after a long day of dealing with hoards of Yankee fans using mass transit to travel to and from their victory parade, and finds a surprise waiting for him.

X: Hey, man.

MD: Who are you and what are you doing in my living room?

X: Come on, you don't recognize me?

MD: You look familiar ...

X: Yeah, you even bought a t-shirt with my name on it.

MD: Dude, that only eliminates, like, half of major league baseball.

X: Dude!

MD: Wait a second ... are you Xavier Nady?

X: Yeah man, what's up?

MD: Nothing, but I reiterate: What are you doing in my living room?

X: I heard you had meatloaf in the fridge.

MD: Uh, okay.

X: It's damn good.

MD: Yes it is. But, how did you get in here?

X: With this (holds up a giant key)

MD: That's a large key.

X: It's not just any large key ... it's my key to the city.

MD: You got a key to the city? For what??!?

X: Dude, I'm a Yankee!

MD: Don't remind me.

X: Yeah, so we're world champs, so I got this key.

MD: And ... you used it to come into my apartment.

X: Yeah.

MD: You can do that?

X: Anywhere in the city I want, I can just use this and walk right in.

MD: I thought it was merely symbolic.

X: Crazy, huh?

MD: So at any moment I could see Jeter or A-Rod in my kitchen?

X: In theory, yes. But the big players don't really use them much ... it's just the bench guys that use them to get a meal or some furniture. Not everyone can make $20 million a year. We're just trying to make a living.

MD: Furniture?

X: Yeah, I just came from Jay-Z's house. I took his couch.

MD: Dude, that's theft!

X: Hey I've got a key. The city is mine. Besides, he'll never know it's missing. He's too busy trying to convince LeBron James to play for the Nets next year.

MD: But there has to be some specific purpose that brought you here.

X: Huh?

MD: I mean, you could go anywhere you wanted, but you came here. I mean, what's it about? Is this some sort of penance that I have to go through? Is this my punishment for not watching the World Series ... I find Xavier Nady on my couch eating my meat loaf with a key to the city earned while playing for the New York Yankees? Are you a symbol, Xavier? A symbol of what my life is going to be like rooting for this team for the next twenty years? What? What is it??!?

X: Dude, do you have some ketchup for this meat loaf?

MD: No I do not have any ketchup for your damn meat loaf!!!!

X: Dude, chillax. I really just came for the meat loaf and to watch some T.V. I'm sorry if you were searching for a larger purpose for me being in your living room. It was really just hunger and television.

MD: You couldn't find a larger house with a bigger T.V.?

X: Well, I went into Frankie Rodriguez's house to watch his wall-sized flat screen. But that didn't work out so well.

MD: He didn't have meat loaf?

X: It wasn't that ... turns out he put a bullet through his television when Brian Bruney got his key to the city.

MD: Oh.

X: Yeah.

MD: Maybe you're here as a symbol that Oliver Perez will also one day get his key to the city.

X: He's got his already. Unfortunately, that city is Port St. Lucie.

MD: That sounds appropriate.

X: Hey, you got any salt for this?

MD: No Xavier. Even though you're a somewhat popular former Met, you're a Yankee who has won a championship so I'm going to have to throw you out of my home.

X: I understand.

MD: And by the way, that meat loaf is like two weeks old.

X: I knew it needed ketchup.

MD: You think Jeter will actually try to show up with his key? Because if he does I'll press charges.

X: Jeter already exchanged his for a new blazing copper Ford. And A-Rod gave his to Kate Hudson ... told her it was the key to his heart or something stupid like that.

MD: Oh lord, really?

X: Yeah. Can you believe that?

MD: What was the deal with that hat, anyway?

X: Don't ask, dude.

MD: Feel free to come back when you're a Met again.

X: With my recent injury history, that'll be soon.

MD: I'll expect the medical records in the mail.

X: I'm off for my cortisone and salmonella shots.

Friday, November 06, 2009

J.J., Not So Dynamite, Seeks 2010 Spinoff

"All I kept on hearing in the streets of New York when you go get bagels in the morning was, 'Omar, please address the bullpen.' Well, to all you Mets fans, we've addressed the bullpen." -Omar Minaya 12/11/2008
The only thing missing from that speech was a parachute and an aircraft carrier. And much like George Bush on the USS Abraham Lincoln, Omar Minaya at the Bellagio delivered a victory speech that doesn't seem so much like a victory a little under a year later, as J.J. Putz was granted his million dollar option and sent loose into the deep, dark world that is free agency. Of course, after being a 2009 Met, that's a world that doesn't seem so deep, or dark.

There are plenty of reasons to blast Omar Minaya. I don't feel this is one of them ... at least not for the trade itself. I realize how everyone feels about Endy Chavez. But let's face it, his last days as a Met were hardly productive as an everyday player. He was better in Seattle before tearing his ACL before missing the season.

And also ... Aaron Heilman. Need I say more?

The mistake in the trade more than likely was either not knowing the medical history, or ignoring it all together. Looking back, misdiagnosing injuries would be a theme of this team, so I'm not really surprised. The idea of the trade was good. Even the execution was good. But when the guy who's the lynchpin of the entire trade is made to pitch two more weeks than he should have with bone spurs, then of course a trade is going to look bad.

It also didn't help that Sean Green was either pitching on eight days rest or eight straight days all season ... and that Jeremy Reed, who came as a defensive wizard in the outfield, was inexplicably put at first base for reasons we'll never understand. He also never saw playing time on a team that had about fifty players injured ... again, for reasons we'll never understand.

You may say that it was a bad idea to have a closer pitch the eighth inning, citing that Putz had concerns about not having that "ninth inning adrenaline rush". But that was probably a cover for the injuries that he was forced to pitch through ... and of course he's going to do it because he's not an excuse guy. I'm not sure having a closer in the eighth is bad roster construction. Heck, there have been plenty of eighth inning guys who have been a disaster in the eighth inning.

Again ... Aaron Heilman.

So did it work out? No. But Chavez and Joe Smith didn't exactly work out either, so this whole experiment will probably be a wash. That is, of course, until Ezequiel Carrera gets called up and becomes Superman for Seattle (He had an on base percentage of .441 in AA West Tennessee last season ... for the record. So get back to me about this trade in three years.)

A Step Behind

All right, so we're mere hours into the off-season, so let's kick it off by being impatient. It's so "New York Cliche" to be impatient, but I'm embracing it.

How can I help it? Already we've heard that the Mets are scared off by Aroldis Chapman's asking price, scared off by John Lackey's asking price, and have already missed out on two players widely thought to be potential parts of the Mets renaissance: Mark Teahen (to the White Sox) and Jeremy Hermida (to the Red Sox). With Carlos Delgado filing for free agency, maybe making a move for an upgrade at first base would have helped. Or, maybe Hermida would have been an option in left field, or as a better fourth outfielder option than whatever next season's 35-year-old flavor of the month might be. But I guess that's why Omar Minaya makes the big bucks getting Jeff Wilpon coffee while I just spew crap here in this space.

If the modus operandi of this team is truly going to change, then apparently it has to be done quick. Because even after one day without baseball, teams seem to be proactive in filling holes while the Mets have already stumbled out of the gate. Maybe the Mets do have a plan in mind. Maybe it does involve Lackey and/or Chapman, and everything we've heard from the media is a Mets induced smokescreen to hide a better plan.

I hope there's a better plan. And I hope they're right.


For those who wonder why I don't "support the Yankees for my city because I'm a New Yorker" or root for the Yankees because in 1986 Yankee fans "rooted for the Mets against the Red Sox", I bring you Carol Hirsch.
Carol Hirsch, 50, of Fair Lawn bought two sweatshirts, three T-shirts and a pennant for herself and her boyfriend. Part of it, she said, was to show her pride in her favorite team.

"And to stick it to Mets fans," she added. "We have a lot of friends who are Mets fans."
Check, and mate.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

And The Scarlet Number 2000 Fades Away

For nine years, I've had the indignity of having witnessed the last Yankees world championship in person. Now, I don't have to say that anymore.

So I suppose that's a good thing (along with Shane Victorino being the final out ... I'll take what I can get, I guess.)

But it's not enough that the Yankees are back to being World F***ing Champions (thanks Chase), but Hideki Matsui won the MVP award after a six RBI night ... meaning that Jeff Wilpon is now salivating over the thought of signing him to play left with his surgically repaired knees.

(Hmmmmmm ... advertising dollars.)

But here's the good news: Thanks to Bud Selig letting FOX walk all over him with November baseball, spring training starts in just about two weeks. Then we can start worrying about important things ... like how to beat the Pirates now that they have Akinori Iwamura, or how to replace Frankie Rodriguez after he blows out his elbow pitching winter league in Venezuela.

The bad news is that Jose Reyes will still be rehabbing 48 of the 124 tears in his hamstring.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Here's Where I Jump Off

You wanted hell? You got holy hell instead.
Big Apple women may soon be able to take a ride on Derek Jeter -- the bridge, that is.

Bronx leaders have proposed naming the soon-to-be-built East 153rd Street bridge for the Yankee shortstop.

"There have been conversations at the community board, and I know the idea is being examined," said Bronx Borough President Ruben Diaz Jr., a Bombers fan who confesses to a "man crush" on the Captain.

"It's something I am ready to support. We're moving on it."
Just in time to clinch the World Series from hell. They're not going to stop until every mode of transportation in this damn city is named after a Yankee, are they? You've already got something named after DiMaggio, now a Jeter Bridge? What's next, the DMV wants you to make sure you follow your Joba Traffic Rules?

Meanwhile, as the city seeks to name a real city bridge after Derek Jeter, there's a fake bridge in Citi Field that the Mets haven't bothered to name yet ... even though they had all these wonderful things planned in 2009 to honor the Mets. Instead, all they did was send Mariano Rivera their pitching rubber along with putting up a few pictures to placate Mets fans and hope they forget about all of this "memorabilia nonsense".

Maybe they're planning to take the bridge and give it to Jeter to honor the greatness that is he, so he can drive his Ford Edge on it over and over again (the one in blazing copper, of course).

Isn't there a small pond in Forest Park we can name after Mike Vail?