Friendly Reminders And Bird Poop

I'm not here to push the panic button. Not on April 8th. But know that it's always close by.

It's close by because of the reminders we received on April 7th.

Reminder number one: John Maine is your second starter.

You know, maybe John Lackey wouldn't have come to New York even if Omar Minaya/Jeff Wilpon did give him the hard sell. Most likely, it was Boston or bust for Lackey regardless of what Minaya came with. I understand this, trust me. But when I see Maine reach the 60 pitch count in the third inning with only about half of the chucks being strikes while checking the scoreboard and seeing that Lackey is twirling six shutout innings against the Yankees, I want to do my Maine imitation and puke.

Reminder number two: Jenrry Mejia is twenty years old.

He's not ready. He's not ready. He's not ready. I'll hold to that like a warm blanket. But if even he is ready ... are sixth inning appearances down by three runs what we have to look forward to? Is this why Snoop and Omar rushed him and his 97 mph fastball? To get hit hard by the bottom of the Marlins lineup to mop up after the latest starting pitching fiasco?

Reminder number three: Sean Green is no Chad Bradford.

Chad Bradford went through 62 innings in 2006 only giving up one home run as a Met. Of course it was a walk-off, but that's a small detail. Sean Green's Chad Bradford imitation only needed two batters to give up his first home run of the season. Yeah, this submariney thing is going to work out just fine.

Reminder number four: Sometimes, irony is not your friend.

Snoop liked Hisanori Takahashi because he threw strikes. What does he do in his major league debut in the tenth inning? Go 2-0 on Wes Helms, of course. Then goes 2-1 on a batter who's trying to bunt Wes Helms over before taking the loss in the tenth. Even when the Mets do the right thing, the dice come up snake eyes.

And even when the Mets shake off a wild pitch that results in the third out of the seventh inning while David Wright was up with the bases loaded (on a questionable baserunning play by Fernando Tatis, it should be noted for posterity) to come back and tie the game in the eighth, the Mets roll craps. Think about this: the team wasted a Jeff Francoeur walk during the eighth inning rally after being down 0-2. A Jeff Francoeur walk!!! His second of the season! Although I have to tell you, Frenchy walking is kinda reminiscent of an acid trip.


Yeah, kinda like that.

Maybe Frenchy has two walks because he finally realized that they do, in fact, put your OBP on the scoreboard.


Hey, whatever works.

Speaking of working, here's something that's not working: that bird misting thing they're trying.

Bird Doctor was contacted by Citi Field as a proactive measure to prevent birds such as pigeons from taking up residence in the new stadium. Installing the new Bird Control Misting system will help keep maintenance costs down, while maintaining the overall appearance and cleanliness of the stadium. Maintenance costs can soar if weekly cleanup of bird droppings is required; bird droppings are unsightly and can transmit disease.

Umm, well check out what diseases I saw transmitted tonight (besides the ones I contracted from watching the ten inning debacle) ...



Y'know it's not like the Mets don't have enough problems with the human doctors ... the bird doctors aren't going to cooperate either?

I Blame Oliver Perez

"What did I do this time? I didn't even pitch today!"

I know, I know. I blame Oliver Perez for most things in life these days. His reputation precedes him.

But I also blame Mike Pelfrey and John Maine. "For what" is what you are surely asking.

The latest bit of "breaking news" to come out of Mets camp is that Sean Green and Bobby Parnell are reportedly going to start the 2010 season in Buffalo. It makes room for guys like Nelson Figueroa and Hisanori Takahashi to land in the bullpen. And that makes a load of sense (Mets? Sense? I know!) considering that nobody is counting on the three headed monster of Little Pelf, Cousin Ollie, and Maine & 5th to provide a whole bunch of innings. I'm sure Sunday's six runs in five and 2/3's given up by Pelfrey pushed the Mets toward that line of thinking, or perhaps over the cliff.

If those three are going to average five innings a start, then you're going to need innings eaters in the bullpen like Nellie and Takahashi II to eat up some of those middle innings. Heck, maybe it gives Snoop more flexibility to have a quicker hook when the Tee Ball Triplets come in throwing beach balls all over the place. But you're going to tire out your bullpen when you have nothing but three out guys to turn to on a night where Perez has one of his famous "seven runs in five outs" linescores.

It may be a raw deal for Green and Parnell, but Parnell will probably be back sooner than later. And Green? Well jeez who needs a six foot six guy who comes in and throws submarine style? I know Chad Bradford was 6'5" but at least Blueback looked like a submariner. Green's makeshift new delivery makes him look like that episode of the Munsters where Herman tried to pitch for the Giants.* Green will walk the world in anyway because batters will be too distracted by a 6'6" guy who looks like he has no interest in bending. I know it's not the most accurate analysis or scouting report you're going to get on Green but he just plain freaks me out.

Other than the fact that sending the other large component of the J.J. Putz trade to the minors makes that trade completely useless on this side of the Mississippi, it seems to be a move that had to be made if it is indeed made.

*This episode of The Munsters never happened.

Knocking Tradition Off Its Axis

Apparently, the news of Jose Reyes' imminent return has sent the planet into a frenzy. Something isn't right. First, the Mets do something sensible and send Ike Davis to the minors for his final bit of seasoning ...

Then, the Mets change the name of the spring training stadium in the middle of a game, making poor Gary Cohen announce the name change in the middle innings which clearly distracted Sean Green into thinking he was at Tradition Field when he was actually at Digital Domain Park throwing his latest train wreck of an inning ...

But the best proof that the world has gone insane is that during Tuesday's game, Jeff Francoeur walked ...

Twice!

I know, I know, Reyes' return distracted damn near everyone. Especially Oliver Perez, who's Tuesday outing was so stellar he had to be rescued by some guy named Raul Valdez ... who wore number 96, had no name on his jersey, and had Cohen scrambling to execute a Google search for information on him.

Luckily, chasing Perez around Digital Domain Park with a bat to scare him into throwing strikes is considered a baseball related activity. So get to it, Jose. And scare the crap out of Pelfrey and Maine too while you're at it.

***

"If we have a crisis or something over there, I would have no problem with Ike Davis being part of a championship season." -Snoop

After which the champagne will taste really sweet, right?

(Bangs head against wall)

Gator Bait

I can vouch for Ralph Kiner when he says that the best way to get away from an alligator is to run zig-zag. Because I heard the same thing years ago from an independent source. So Ron Darling had best remember this when the alligator comes after him during a round of golf and not be so dismissive.

You know what he also said during Thursday's loss to the Twins? He said that Fernando Martinez reminded him of Ted Williams. Well, so much for lowered expectations, right? This might scare me more than being chased by an alligator (or Sean Green coming into a game). Because you can't run from expectations ... zig-zag or otherwise.

Sunday Dreamin'

I had a nightmare just now that Peyton Manning was firing darts all over the field against the Jets in the AFC title game. And Endy Chavez was in the stands next to me wearing a Gilligan hat and a Revis Island t-shirt.

And the very last pass that Manning threw ...








... struck out Carlos Beltran with the bases loaded.

Then he shot a commercial with Justin Timberlake at the 50-yard-line before accepting the Lamar Hunt Trophy. Omar Minaya then took the podium at Lucas Oil Field to announce that he had traded Shonn Greene for Sean Green and Shawn Green. In celebration, Dwight Freeney, Reggie Wayne, and Hanley Ramirez tied me up to the north goalpost and left me to die. Hours later, Tom Glavine sidled up next to me, put his arm around me, and told me that I had nothing to be devastated about. And that's when I woke up in a cold sweat.

I don't know what this means except for the fact that all those steroids I've been taking for purely medical purposes have made me hallucinate two sports at once (does that make me the Bo Jackson of nightmares?)

Well, I'm just glad that's over. And I'm glad that no matter what happens in the AFC Championship game today, it can't possibly be as bad as that.

Can it?

Go Jets.

Old Habits Die Hard

"Yeah, let's replace Livan Hernandez with somebody older and less durable. Yeah! That'll work just fine!!! Now let's crack open those beers."

If you were a fly on the wall of the Mets war room, that might have been what you heard as the powers that be have discussed the possibility of John Smoltz being a Met. That's the John Smoltz who will be 43 in May (for perspective, that's two years and eight months older than Orel Hershiser was when he pitched for the Mets). That's also the same John Smoltz who pitched a total of 106 innings over the last two seasons due to injuries.

Not that I'm that crazy about anybody who's left in the free agent market (it's so bad that Joel Pineiro is looking like the Brooklyn Decker of starting pitchers right now), but the fact that the Mets are even thinking of bringing John Smoltz into the fold proves that this regime is never going to learn. Ever. Doesn't matter much if they sign him or not, they're thinking about it. That's reason enough for me to overreact ... because the pattern is starting again.

They make a good signing with Jason Bay, and now threaten to make five bad ones to back that up. Bengie Molina will be that first bad signing, and Smoltz might be right behind him on that list. (And Carlos Delgado might be third, but that's another blog for another time.) Because there's nothing like filling holes with old guys who are ripe to get injured and expose a farm system under siege. Sound like any particular season you might have lived through lately? You don't have to think too hard about this one.

It's a bad move whether he's the fifth starter or a bullpen option. It was one thing when they were backing up Frankie Rodriguez with J.J. Putz and Sean Green. Now it's John Smoltz and Kelvin Escobar? That's 111 innings in four seasons of baseball. Putz has the durability of Brett Favre next to these two.

And that's not even mentioning the fact that Tom Glavine is Smoltzie's golfing buddy which means there's a chance we could see Glavine show up at Citi Field with a Mets hat to support his buddy ... and looking all devastated as his friend gets torched by the Brewers for six runs in two and a third. (Oh, did I say devastated? I meant slightly disappointed.) I dare say this would induce more vomit than seeing Roger Clemens attend the Texas/Alabama game on Thursday. Glavine had better hope that he sits in one of those suites where the angry mobs can't get to him.

We Interrupt The Mets Cold Stove Season To Bring You ...

I am contractually obligated to tell you that the Mets have signed Ryota Igarashi. I don't know who he is. But from all I've read about him I can tell you who he's not: The Greg Maddux of Japan like Satoru Komiyama was. Or the Tom Glavine of Japan, the Steve Carlton of Japan or even the Danny Graves of Japan. He hasn't been compared to anybody to get our hopes up so they can mercilessly be torn down at the first home run he gives up to Chase Utley.



For those who can't convert kilometers to miles in their head, he throws about 93 in the above clip. And as you can see he wears number 53, just like our manager Chuckles. I hope Snoop gives up 53 because he really doesn't need to wear a number.

Comedy for his jokes, tragedy for when he gets fired after bringing Igarashi in at the wrong time, or for bringing him in 16 straight days until his arm falls off, then leaving him in the back of the bullpen to play Clue with Sean Green for a month. Yeah, this oughta work out well.

***

Oh by the way, when the Mets put in the new plasma replacement booth next to the Shake Shack, I hope they paint it blue and orange. There's nothing worse than not recognizing your history when you're hawking platelets that are sponsored by Verizon.

J.J., Not So Dynamite, Seeks 2010 Spinoff

"All I kept on hearing in the streets of New York when you go get bagels in the morning was, 'Omar, please address the bullpen.' Well, to all you Mets fans, we've addressed the bullpen." -Omar Minaya 12/11/2008

The only thing missing from that speech was a parachute and an aircraft carrier. And much like George Bush on the USS Abraham Lincoln, Omar Minaya at the Bellagio delivered a victory speech that doesn't seem so much like a victory a little under a year later, as J.J. Putz was granted his million dollar option and sent loose into the deep, dark world that is free agency. Of course, after being a 2009 Met, that's a world that doesn't seem so deep, or dark.

There are plenty of reasons to blast Omar Minaya. I don't feel this is one of them ... at least not for the trade itself. I realize how everyone feels about Endy Chavez. But let's face it, his last days as a Met were hardly productive as an everyday player. He was better in Seattle before tearing his ACL before missing the season.

And also ... Aaron Heilman. Need I say more?

The mistake in the trade more than likely was either not knowing the medical history, or ignoring it all together. Looking back, misdiagnosing injuries would be a theme of this team, so I'm not really surprised. The idea of the trade was good. Even the execution was good. But when the guy who's the lynchpin of the entire trade is made to pitch two more weeks than he should have with bone spurs, then of course a trade is going to look bad.

It also didn't help that Sean Green was either pitching on eight days rest or eight straight days all season ... and that Jeremy Reed, who came as a defensive wizard in the outfield, was inexplicably put at first base for reasons we'll never understand. He also never saw playing time on a team that had about fifty players injured ... again, for reasons we'll never understand.

You may say that it was a bad idea to have a closer pitch the eighth inning, citing that Putz had concerns about not having that "ninth inning adrenaline rush". But that was probably a cover for the injuries that he was forced to pitch through ... and of course he's going to do it because he's not an excuse guy. I'm not sure having a closer in the eighth is bad roster construction. Heck, there have been plenty of eighth inning guys who have been a disaster in the eighth inning.

Again ... Aaron Heilman.

So did it work out? No. But Chavez and Joe Smith didn't exactly work out either, so this whole experiment will probably be a wash. That is, of course, until Ezequiel Carrera gets called up and becomes Superman for Seattle (He had an on base percentage of .441 in AA West Tennessee last season ... for the record. So get back to me about this trade in three years.)

How Can We Count On You When We Can't Count On You?

We all know that April comes in like a lion. What you may not know is that September does the same. Yes, September comes in like a lion as well ... but Razor Shines gives it the stop sign.

When Angel Pagan rounded second base in the first inning tonight, he consulted Shines for guidance on what to do. Unfortunately, the third base coach of life was offline for maintenance. So Pagan, after rounding second base on a base hit, rounded second base in reverse ... turning a base hit into a force play.

This, Met fans, is your introduction to September. A September to Misremember.

Every once in a while, Angel will break out a swing that sweeter than honey. The flip side is that he has a meatball for a brain on the bases, which he's shown over, and over, and over again. And speaking of ground beef in a spherical shape, I'm not saying that was a meatball Mike Pelfrey threw to Carlos Gonzalez, but the first 15 rows of fans were sprayed with marinara sauce on that home run.

Unfortunately, those same fans were subsequently eaten by wolves, who science shows survive on small prey such as squirrels, meat sauce, and tiramisu. I'm surprised SNY would show that on their air.

It was a tragic scene to be sure, but no more tragic than the Mets have been, whether it be Tuesday night or the entire season. The world will know 2009 as the fortieth anniversary of the Miracle Mets of '69. We know better. We know that this is the tenth anniversary of Kenny Rogers walking home Andruw Jones to lose the NLCS. The Mets obviously know this too as, noted in Tuesday night's broadcast, the two bases loaded walks they had brought their season total to 17. When you throw in the two runs that the Mets gave up via a hit batsman, that makes one free run per week for the opposition.

At this rate, Sean Green can be his own United Way chapter.

The only good thing about being pasted by the Rockies is that it pushes Matt Cain one game further away from getting to the playoffs. Grudges, you see, are all I have left. And since it's kinda pointless to hope that the Yankees and/or Phillies are going to fall out of the playoffs, my last hope to salvage some sort of belief in humanity is to hope that Matt Cain doesn't pitch in a playoff game this season. My main hope is for forever, but I take life one season at a time. So tip this, Matt.

I like this spolier stuff.

***

I loved the question for the booth tonight: "Would the Mets change their approach in Coors Field than how they approach a game in Citi Field?" Yes. The approach: try to suck less. But how would Keith Hernandez know the answer anyway? He's too busy watching the Flintstones on You Tube in the booth.



Yup. Seriously. The same man who didn't know you can text two people at one time is watching You Tube on company time. Can you blame him though, when the most interesting thing to watch on the field is David Wright's new batting helmet?

Yeah, I think it's a bit over the top too.

It's So Big ...

Johan Santana: You know Nelson, this big chipotle cheesesteak sandwich from Subway restaurant is so big ...

Nelson Figueroa: Yeah, it's playing in the majors big.

Johan: No no no, it's winning the Cy Young big.

Nelson: No, it's pitching a no-hitter big.

Nolan Ryan: No no Nelson, it's pitching seven no-hitters after you leave the Mets big.

Angel Pagan: No Nolan, it's constantly holding at third base on singles to the outfield big.

Luis Castillo: No Angel, it's falling down the dugout steps and spraining your ankle big.

Hospital for Special Surgery: No Luis, it's diagnosing your injury and having people who know nothing about medicine prescribe a cortisone shot big.

Snoop Manuel: No doctors, it's not needing tendons to play baseball big.

Jose Reyes: No coach, it's not being able to run because of that tendon that I supposedly don't need big.

K-Rod: No Jose, it's blowing a 7-5 lead in the ninth big.

Johan: Wait a minute Frankie, it's not that big.

Sean Green: No Frankie, it's hitting the first batter you see in a tie game with the bases loaded with your first pitch big.

Albert Pujols: No Sean, it's hitting a grand slam to put the game away while playing lion to your christian big.

Johan Santana: Come on guys ...

David Wright: No Albert, it's having your season end in August big.

Carlos Beltran: No David, it's having your season end when all of your stars eventually land on the disabled list big.

Oliver Perez: No Carlos, it's having your season end when you let Derek Lowe go to Atlanta to sign a mediocre lefty to an overpriced contract big.

Fred Wilpon: No Oliver, it's having your season end when you get taken for $700 million on a ponzi scheme big.

Johan Santana: Yeah, I guess you're right.

Johan Santana: Hey, who took my f***ing chipotle cheesesteak sandwich from Subway restaurant???

Angel Berroa: (Mumbles with mouth full of sandwich) What?

You Don't Ingest The Gift

Sean Green got himself into a sticky situation in the eighth inning ... hitting Justin Upton and walking Mark Reynolds to load the bases with nobody out. But then, Green's guardian angel handed him a "Get out of Jail Free" card as Miguel Montero grounded into the 3-2-3 double play.

Green promptly took the card and ate it. His guardian angel gave up and went to Blue Smoke.

Green's wild pitch immediately following the 3-2-3 double play was the deciding run in Friday's 3-2 loss to the Diamondbacks, part of baseball's second easiest schedule down the stretch that the Mets were supposed to dominate. Oh well, another plan gone awry. What else is new?

Ooh ooh, I know what's new: Livan Hernandez second guessing the manager for pinch hitting for him:

"I don't like to come out of games. But it's not my decision. They made, I think, a bad decision."

As was pointed out, Hernandez was pinch hit for by Angel Berroa, who's average was 17 points lower than Hernandez. Oh good, another washed up veteran who had one good night and has fooled Snoop Manuel into thinking he's got another Hollywood script on the roster. Awesome. Coming up next:

(... Livan Hernandez comes in for defense at first base in place of Angel Berroa ...)

Yeah, I Think The Mets Can Trade For Aubrey Huff Now

So what if he occasionally drops a pop-up.

Big deal if he's more and more a DH every day.

And who cares if sometimes he blasts the city he plays for.

He giveth, but he taketh twice as much away. That's good enough for me. And let's get Matt Wieters in the deal too (get off the drugs, blogger.)

And it's a shame too. Because while there's no good time to blow a save, and there's no good time to blow your first save of the season*** (I don't count Pisarcik: The Sequel). But this was an especially bad time for Frankie to blow a save considering that the Orioles, as tough a division as they may be in, are the one losing team the Mets face for practically the rest of the month. And they lost an opportunity to not only take two of three from this subpar yet improving team, but to gain ground on the Phillies, who lost three straight to the Blue Jays (and when the Jays return to Toronto, that's like 3.39 wins with the exchange rate).

(And speaking of the Phillies, don't you find it interesting that Raul Ibanez was placed on the DL out of nowhere? He apparently played the whole season with a groin strain, but when it got too much he got put on the DL. Notice there were no conflicting reports, no "he said, he said", no being stuck in that "day-to-day" limbo for three months while the team is shorthanded and no throwing away of young relievers to keep players on the bench who are hurt ... there is only ... the DL, and that's that.)

It's also a shame because Sean Green is slowly proving to the Mets why he was an important throw-in for the J.J. Putz deal (or at this point, is it Putz who was the throw-in for the Sean Green deal). He got the Mets out of an eighth inning jam by inducing more weakly hit grounders (one of which ending with a great Luis Castillo play ... see, he can field) and all I kept thinking is that Sean Green was once saddled with the Curse of Aaron Heilman because of a bad number choice. And even though he only wore it for one or two spring games (only one, I think), he still had to go through a down period before he could truly shake it. I mean, how many chickens and goats and pigs had to be sacrificed* before the Curse of Heilman was completely lifted? And how many times were there no live chickens around to be sacrificed forcing Livan Hernandez to pull a Pedro Cerrano and go get some KFC? And how many times did the KFC say "oh, we only have Kentucky Grilled Chicken**" left, throwing yet another wrench in Green's emergence from said curse?

A valiant effort by Green simply laid to waste.

And now the A.L. Champs come to town with their manager already complaining about Citi Field ticket prices. Just another thing the Mets do to fire their opposition up. Take a number, sir.

*No chickens were harmed in the writing of this blog post.

**Blogger not compensated by Kentucky Fried Chicken.

*** Brian Bruney had no comment.

The Runt Of The Win Litter

Don't get me wrong, I'll take it. When a win is left on my doorstep, I'm not leaving it out in the cold, even if it's the equivalent of the runt of the litter. A win is a win.

But forgive me if I'm not ready to plan a parade route just yet.

Yes, the Mets finally won a game on this road trip against the putrid Washington Nationals ... but make no mistake, "putrid", and not "won" is the key word. The Nationals out-odored the Mets tonight, what with dopey plays by Cristian Guzman and Adam Dunn losing a ball in the lights and some horrific umpiring affecting both sides by a rookie named D.J. Reyburn (whom I'd still take over the Angel Hernandez crew). But the Mets were lucky that their own blunders didn't come back to haunt them, and they would have if they had been playing anybody else besides the Nationals.

Another problem with Steve Phillips' misguided criticism of Carlos Beltran is that anytime someone has a fair gripe with Beltran, it's seen as siding with Phillips. So let me give you this disclaimer: I'm not siding with Steve Phillips.

That established: I do have to criticize Beltran. And though it seems that I'm stealing Marc Malusis' thoughts from the SNY postgame show, I swear to you I thought of it before Malusis said it ... and I'm taking it a step further: It's not only the fact that Beltran got thrown out at third base trying to stretch a double into a triple after he took a Cadillac tour to second base thinking the ball was a dinger, because that's bad enough.

But if you're going to show some leadership in the lockerroom and rip the team's effort through the media by saying that everyone has to play better (and by saying that the Pirates are barely a major league baseball outfit which has earned him the title of "School in Summertime" in Pittsburgh), then it has to start with you. Make no mistake, I loved that Beltran said what he said. But that's only half the battle. The example has to be set on the field. Getting yourself thrown out at third because you weren't running hard out of the box is the wrong example to back up your words. As much as I hate to use a cliche like "actions speak louder than words", it applies here. All Beltran did was give people fuel for their argument that Fernando Martinez not running on a pop-up is part of an organizational "lack of hustle" rather than an isolated incident.

And to go back to the problem of playing dumb, David Wright tagging and going to third base on a fly ball to left field is a dumb play ... whether he went on his own or whether Razor Shines sent him in the second inning ... dumb, dumb, dumb. Let's face it, Wright was out except for the fact that Reyburn couldn't see a lake from a rowboat. If that was a veteran umpire there, that's a 1-0 loss and Wright never gets a chance to win the game in the 10th. Especially when this team is racked with injuries, it has to play smart to give itself a chance to tread water. They aren't going to be so lucky next time.

(And speaking of lucky: Brad Lidge made Mets fans really lucky tonight. Two outs, nobody on, one run lead, and Lidge blew it. Something tells me that if the Mets finish behind them again, it isn't going to be because of the bullpens.)

(And speaking of bullpens, welcome back to the party Sean Green ... and just in time, too.)

***

In injury news, Jose Reyes is undergoing a new procedure to help him heal faster called "Platelet Rich Plasma Therapy."

As usual, the crack staff has exclusive footage of the team administering the procedure, seen at the 0:48 mark:

Great Half Truths In Battle

When Dan Warthen told J.J. Putz that his new hand placement would do the trick, who knew that it would be the greatest miscalculation since General Custer said "Look ... Over the hill ... I think they're friendly indians".

Sorry, that was Ed Norton.

J.J. Putz becomes the latest casualty to lie alongside his friends in the annals of great PNC Park meltdowns, as his awful eighth inning wasted three Wilson Valdez RBI's, which is simply shameful since he'll likely not drive in three runs the rest of his career. It happened on his second try as he attempted to get his Pirate disaster out of the way at home earlier this season, but they say that if at first you don't succeed, try try again. At least Putz has that "sticktoittiveness" (the sports world is famous for making up words.) And at least, as Putz and Snoop Manuel noted, he threw strikes.

Comforting, I know.

But don't worry, because Putz will get a mental break on Tuesday while the rest of us will no doubt endure another night of the emotional water torture known as Mets baseball. And more good news kids, as for the foreseeable future, Putz will only come in the game if the matchup is "extremely favorable". I know we're talking about the Pirates and Nationals, but to the best of my knowledge there are no seven-year-old girls on either roster. So Putz will probably be sharing some hostel space with Sean Green for a while.

The best news of the night though is this: at least any and all Bobby Parnell trade rumors ended tonight.

All I know is that the matchups had better get extremely favorable, extremely quick. Because Warthen is running out of places to put J.J.'s hands.

The Value Of The Chateau Bow-Wow

If Ryan Church is doing something behind the scenes that has him in Snoop Manuel's Dogg House like ... say, burning Snoop's library of Nancy Drew mysteries, then far be it from me to scream about it. All I know is that he's the one losing at-bats so that Gary Sheffield, Jeremy Reed, and Fernando Tatis can all get at-bats. And that, along with the litany of things that have been said about Church, and the fact that Wily Mo Pena, Rob Mackowiak, and John Cangelosi seem to have a better chance of getting at-bats than Church, tells me that he's in some sort of disfavor. Actions speak louder than words, and Ryan Church on the bench against a right-hander while Carlos Delgado is on the cliff contemplating a dive into the disabled list, speaks volumes. I would think that in the same way we're all worried about keeping Sheffield sharp with at-bats, I would think that Church would have a better chance getting out of his current slump with regular at-bats. But nobody pays me to think.

I only ask this: If you're going to trade him, which is more apparent with each passing day, can we not wait until his value is such that the best you can get back for him is the third season of The Sopranos on used DVD, a half eaten tuna fish sandwich, and Roberto Hernandez? The Mets seem to be experts at selling low. Let's not have that happen this time 'round. Okay?

In other news, the Mets won on Tuesday in the tenth after tying the game in the ninth off Mike Gonzalez. Maybe Gonzalez will stop rocking like he's Ed Norton doing the hucklebuckle. And many thanks to Jeff Bennett for his spot on impression of Sean Green's impression of Kenny Rogers. It made the kids laugh. All that were missing were the balloon animals.

Speaking of animals, how is Oliver Perez's rehab going?

Oh, there he is. Dog races are the order of the day. Bored with attending basketball games, Oliver Perez decided to mentor Golden Earring and entered him in some races in Florida. He monitored the dog's diet and made sure his mechanics were always pointed forward. The result:

Good news, as the coaching that Golden Earring received from Oliver paid off with a blue ribbon. The bad news? Well, without the coaching of Dan Warthen, Perez put back on the pounds he had lost after the World Baseball Classic.

Where will Oliver wind up tomorrow during his "rehab"? I can't wait to find out.

Health Notice

The Metstradamus crack staff has obtained an exclusive copy of an internal memo passed out to members of the Mets pitching staff following their extra inning loss to Philadelphia on Saturday:

To: All Employees
Re: The Strike Zone

All,

We have conducted a thorough investigation and have concluded that the strike zone is not, I repeat is not infected with swine flu, otherwise known as the H1N1 virus. Players cannot be infected by coming in contact with baseballs that have passed through the strike zone.

In other words, it's safe to throw strikes.

Mgmt.

There you go ... Sean.

You too Oliver.

Overworked And Underwhelmed

“Three runs shouldn't be something that’s insurmountable. It appears when we get in that position, it’s an insurmountable lead. We have to address that.” -Snoop Manuel

That only took him a year to figure that one out ... duh.

But you know what he hasn't figured out? He hasn't figured out that Sean Green doesn't have to pitch every day. Green took the loss Tuesday as he melted down in the seventh inning, and he coughed up the kind of one-run lead that he's paid to come in and hold on to (as if there's another kind of one-run lead). But did Green really need to pitch during a five run lead? Or down by four?

It doesn't seem like a large workload for Green, who has pitched pretty much every other day for the most part (until Tuesday), but with a guy who you know was overworked in the early part of last season, I'd think you would want to be more judicious with him so that you can pitch him back to back later in the season, and not throw him in blowouts. He's already on pace to blow away his career high in appearances and approach the levels of guys like Scott Schoeneweis' and Pedro Feliciano's totals last season. I know part of it is the lousy starting pitching, but do we really want to go down that road with Green?

Not that I know what I'm talking about anyway ... but when has that ever stopped me?

Bullpen Is Not Pigpen

Just like you can't go crazy about Derek Lowe pitching shutout ball over eight innings the day after Oliver Perez imploded against the Red Sox in a preseason game (which I really tried not to do), one victory against the Reds isn't going to make or break the season.

But it sure does make you feel warm and fuzzy doesn't it?

It makes you feel warm and fuzzy because it's Opening Day. And because four years ago Braden Looper blew one in Cincinnati that caused cancer in lab rats. And because last season, a 2-1 lead that Johan Santana left in the sixth inning would have resulted in a conga line of people coming up to you and kicking you in the groinal region (Aaron Heilman, Luis Ayala, Doug Sisk, Gene Walter, your Uncle Mortimer, etc.)

But thankfully, at least for one game, Omar's famous quote of "We've addressed the bullpen" was more "tear down this wall" and less "mission accomplished", as Sean Green, J.J. Putz, and Frankie Rodriguez gave Met fans some real hope that they could prove the difference this season. Early on, this bullpen is going to be tested, as Snoop Manuel isn't going to take a chance early in the season on rainy days with Santana. And he might not have the luxury of extending guys like Oliver Perez and John Maine. So Bullpen 2.0 is going to have plenty of chances to prove just what kind of upgrade it is from that 24 bit bullpen that made New York home last year.

Omar Minaya gets a point for this one, as all his big acquisitions over the last two off-seasons chipped in for this one. For Minaya, the mission is accomplished ... for one day.

He Broke A Nail

Turns out if you had "two outs into spring training" on your "First Mets Injury of the Year" pool, you can now collect your money, as Sean Green departed early from the first spring game of the season.

“My nail cracked a little bit a couple pitches before the end of that inning,” Green said, “so before I ripped it off completely, I just wanted to stop. I just didn't want it to get worse. It's one of those things that if you let if keep going it can get pretty nasty.”

“It never happened before, but it's a pretty easy fix,” Green said. “I'll just put a fake nail on it and it will be fine. I don’t plan on missing any time.

Speaking as somebody who had a nail almost completely torn off: Ouch!!! And speaking as someone counting on this bullpen being much better in '09 than it was in '08 (and as someone who doesn't so much care how minor this injury is), F#*$%k!!!

I did my research. You need some Nail RX base coat, some pink gel glue, a Q-Tip, a cuticle pointy stick thing (technical term), some Rose Salve, and some cuticle oil for putting on a fake nail. But what ever you do Sean, do not ... and I can't stress this enough: do not procure any of these items from Yuri Sucart ... or from any cousin you might have who is living in or around the Dominican Republic. In fact, if you have a cousin in Minnesota, don't go to him. Don't trust any of your cousins. Anywhere. Okay?

Hey, I'm here to help.

What An Encore!

It seems to me that the excitement surrounding K-Rod has been a bit muted. After all, the Mets got their big fish last winter in Johan Santana and Met fans were so excited that they were stripping down to their underwear and diving into vats of Crisco ... and where did it get them? Besides acne, it got 'em one more victory, one more game behind the Phillies, and one more heartache. So after the Mets got K-Rod at Costco prices, the response has basically been "Yeah yeah, what next?"

J.J. Putz, that's what's next.

To which my response is simply this:

Bravo. Brav ... freakin' ... O.

Yes, there should be more to come. There has to be more to come. A starting pitcher has to be on the way. Derek Lowe (for four years) should be that name. I know that's not happening, but something has to happen in the starting rotation. But the bullpen ... the huge reason the Mets have collapsed the last two seasons, is a long way towards being completely fixed. So let's take a moment to breathe the relevant parts of this deal at this time:

J.J. Putz/Mets: Let's get one thing straight right now: It's pronounced "Pootz". All right? Omar Minaya did a great job in getting this guy, but he's already mispronounced his name ... twice. It's J.J. Pootz. I know it's more fun to say Putz, and there'll be plenty of chances for that when he blows an eighth inning lead. But if you want him to be comfortable pitching the eighth inning in New York, please ... it's Pootz.

And that's the big question: Is this guy going to be comfortable stepping back into the eighth inning and into the shadow of Frankie Rodriguez? He has already said "no" to that, according to Rosenthal. But that was before the trade went down. He may change his tune ... he might have already. And considering that last season was injury riddled and not very warm and fuzzy statistically, he really should change his tune ... unless that WHIP drops below a buck twenty.

Here's why we like J.J.: This is a guy that can pitch to righties and lefties. Even when he stunk last year, his splits were pretty much even. Now granted, that's not going to be much consolation if he stinks again this season, or if he's injured. But at his best (like in 2007), he's going to be a beast. And for anyone who thinks that Putz is going to sulk and not be at his best because he's not mentally in it: It would hardly be in his best interests to do that. If he comes out with a monster season behind K-Rod, his value skyrockets ... and the Mets could conceivably pick up his $9M club option for 2010, then turn around next winter and trade him for a larger haul to a team that desperately needs a closer (provided K-Rod's arm doesn't explode on impact this coming opening day and Putz isn't closing for the Mets after all.)

Endy Chavez/Mariners: Best playoff catch ... ever. Made AIG a star. But AIG is known for other things now. And Endy Chavez is known for his struggling offense almost as much as he is for that catch. Chavez was collecting dust on the bench late last season, and when he wasn't dusty he was rusty. Endy just hasn't had the same impact on the Mets since his hamstring exploded in 2007. And his inclusion in this deal is somewhat neutralized by:

Jeremy Reed/Mets: It's a bit scary how similar the offensive stats were for Chavez and Reed last season. Reed is going to have to re-invent himself as an all around outfielder and not simply a center fielder.

Mike Carp/Mariners: Carp fields like a DH. He now goes to a team that can employ a DH legally and regularly. Everyone wins.

Jason Vargas/Mariners: Because Matt Lindstrom needed a good laugh.

Sean Green/Mets: Because that was the problem last season: The Mets were missing a Shawn Green. Yeah, well Sean Green is a reasonable facsimile ... you know, except for the fact that he's about 50 years younger and a reliever instead of a right fielder. Green Lite, though his left/right splits are almost as stark as your garden variety Mets reliever from 2008, will wind up being the ground ball pitcher to replace ...

Joe Smith/Indians: Easily the best player lost in this deal. Smith has great stuff as is ... and he's only going to get better. Remember, he's only going to be 25 next season. The Indians are going to be happy with Smith setting up Kerry Wood. You do have to give up quality to get quality. If Smith is the best quality given up in this deal, the Mets will be okay. Of course, the quality could come from an unexpected source. Which brings me to:

Aaron Heilman/Mariners: Wait a second, I want to repeat that a few times:

Aaron Heilman/Mariners.

Aaron Heilman/Mariners.

Aaron Heilman/Mariners.

All right, I'm convinced. He's gone. Aaron Heilman ... who it should be said by all accounts is a solid citizen, generous with his time, and all in all a heck of a guy ... is really, honestly, and truly, is a Seattle Mariner. I still can hardly believe it.

But let's be fair. I'm not here to kick Heilman out the door, despite repeatedly stating my desire to help him pack. I've called him stupid. I've compared him to The Blob, and Brandon Cruz. I've ripped him for giving up a home run to Emilio Bonifacio. He's been the bane of my existence for years. And now he's going to Seattle, no doubt to become a starter, win 20 games, and spur all Mets fans to e-mail me and say "See? SEE??!? SEE!!!!!"

Because you know that Heilman is going to be the next Alexei Kovalev, who ended his first career with the New York Rangers as a frustrating blockhead, only to go to Pittsburgh, pair with Mario Lemieux, and finally start to realize his massive potential.

There's no Mario Lemieux waiting for Heilman in Seattle (only Marwin Vega and Matt Tuiasosopo). And the Seattle Mariners are no Pittsburgh Penguins. But there is a chance that Heilman is refreshed by the change of scenery, and a chance to fulfill his dream of being a starting pitcher. The bottom line is that an Aaron Heilman resurgence was never ... ever ... going to happen in Citi Field. Heilman felt that he needed a change of role more than a change of scenery ... but he'll realize that trading the angry mob in Queens for the latte drinking crowd of Seattle will be the best thing for him. And honestly ... and I mean honestly ... I wish him nothing but the best. He may not realize it, but this will be a better deal for him than it will be for Mets fans. And don't be surprised if Heilman realizes some level of success.

With that said, I think it's important that we take the time and reflect on Aaron's career as a Met, and appreciate what he's done for us on the field. And if Heilman ever returns to Flushing as a visitor, I hope the Mets will use this as their tribute video (horrible production value and all). I guarantee there will not be a dry eye in the house that evening.



P.S. Now the video should work. Consider this the official unveiling.