How Can We Count On You When We Can't Count On You?

We all know that April comes in like a lion. What you may not know is that September does the same. Yes, September comes in like a lion as well ... but Razor Shines gives it the stop sign.

When Angel Pagan rounded second base in the first inning tonight, he consulted Shines for guidance on what to do. Unfortunately, the third base coach of life was offline for maintenance. So Pagan, after rounding second base on a base hit, rounded second base in reverse ... turning a base hit into a force play.

This, Met fans, is your introduction to September. A September to Misremember.

Every once in a while, Angel will break out a swing that sweeter than honey. The flip side is that he has a meatball for a brain on the bases, which he's shown over, and over, and over again. And speaking of ground beef in a spherical shape, I'm not saying that was a meatball Mike Pelfrey threw to Carlos Gonzalez, but the first 15 rows of fans were sprayed with marinara sauce on that home run.

Unfortunately, those same fans were subsequently eaten by wolves, who science shows survive on small prey such as squirrels, meat sauce, and tiramisu. I'm surprised SNY would show that on their air.

It was a tragic scene to be sure, but no more tragic than the Mets have been, whether it be Tuesday night or the entire season. The world will know 2009 as the fortieth anniversary of the Miracle Mets of '69. We know better. We know that this is the tenth anniversary of Kenny Rogers walking home Andruw Jones to lose the NLCS. The Mets obviously know this too as, noted in Tuesday night's broadcast, the two bases loaded walks they had brought their season total to 17. When you throw in the two runs that the Mets gave up via a hit batsman, that makes one free run per week for the opposition.

At this rate, Sean Green can be his own United Way chapter.

The only good thing about being pasted by the Rockies is that it pushes Matt Cain one game further away from getting to the playoffs. Grudges, you see, are all I have left. And since it's kinda pointless to hope that the Yankees and/or Phillies are going to fall out of the playoffs, my last hope to salvage some sort of belief in humanity is to hope that Matt Cain doesn't pitch in a playoff game this season. My main hope is for forever, but I take life one season at a time. So tip this, Matt.

I like this spolier stuff.

***

I loved the question for the booth tonight: "Would the Mets change their approach in Coors Field than how they approach a game in Citi Field?" Yes. The approach: try to suck less. But how would Keith Hernandez know the answer anyway? He's too busy watching the Flintstones on You Tube in the booth.



Yup. Seriously. The same man who didn't know you can text two people at one time is watching You Tube on company time. Can you blame him though, when the most interesting thing to watch on the field is David Wright's new batting helmet?

Yeah, I think it's a bit over the top too.

The Value Of The Chateau Bow-Wow

If Ryan Church is doing something behind the scenes that has him in Snoop Manuel's Dogg House like ... say, burning Snoop's library of Nancy Drew mysteries, then far be it from me to scream about it. All I know is that he's the one losing at-bats so that Gary Sheffield, Jeremy Reed, and Fernando Tatis can all get at-bats. And that, along with the litany of things that have been said about Church, and the fact that Wily Mo Pena, Rob Mackowiak, and John Cangelosi seem to have a better chance of getting at-bats than Church, tells me that he's in some sort of disfavor. Actions speak louder than words, and Ryan Church on the bench against a right-hander while Carlos Delgado is on the cliff contemplating a dive into the disabled list, speaks volumes. I would think that in the same way we're all worried about keeping Sheffield sharp with at-bats, I would think that Church would have a better chance getting out of his current slump with regular at-bats. But nobody pays me to think.

I only ask this: If you're going to trade him, which is more apparent with each passing day, can we not wait until his value is such that the best you can get back for him is the third season of The Sopranos on used DVD, a half eaten tuna fish sandwich, and Roberto Hernandez? The Mets seem to be experts at selling low. Let's not have that happen this time 'round. Okay?

In other news, the Mets won on Tuesday in the tenth after tying the game in the ninth off Mike Gonzalez. Maybe Gonzalez will stop rocking like he's Ed Norton doing the hucklebuckle. And many thanks to Jeff Bennett for his spot on impression of Sean Green's impression of Kenny Rogers. It made the kids laugh. All that were missing were the balloon animals.

Speaking of animals, how is Oliver Perez's rehab going?

Oh, there he is. Dog races are the order of the day. Bored with attending basketball games, Oliver Perez decided to mentor Golden Earring and entered him in some races in Florida. He monitored the dog's diet and made sure his mechanics were always pointed forward. The result:

Good news, as the coaching that Golden Earring received from Oliver paid off with a blue ribbon. The bad news? Well, without the coaching of Dan Warthen, Perez put back on the pounds he had lost after the World Baseball Classic.

Where will Oliver wind up tomorrow during his "rehab"? I can't wait to find out.

Que Sera Sera

With the bases loaded in the bottom of the seventh inning and Jorge Sosa peering in ... I had this flashback of Kenny Rogers.

Yeah, that one.

So my conversation with Sosa at that moment ... which was one-sided because, you know, I'm in New York and Jorge can't hear me 1,000 miles away through a television, was this:

"Jorge, just throw the slider. Throw it in the strike zone, and whatever happens, happens. Que sera sera, buddy!"

That'll teach me to draw my wisdom from a Doris Day song.

It seemed like solid logic. Hell, Sosa had been striking out guys with that slider, coming back from 2-0 to get Matt Diaz. So who would have thought that Kelly Johnson would scrape the clouds with Sosa's 3-2 slider and send the Braves to an 11-5 win? I guess I should have known. And in retrospect, I probably would have taken the Kenny Rogers route rather than given up the whole bushel all at once.

Random thoughts:

• How could Tim McCarver assume that on that wacky play where the Mark Kotsay trap was called a catch and Angel Pagan passed Ryan Church on the basepaths that if the umpire had gotten the call right initially that Pagan would have still passed Church? Does he think that Ryan Church is stupid enough to go back to third base if the umpire had called trap to begin with? Sure, Ryan Church can't hit lefties ... but I wouldn't call him stupid.
• John Maine was not that bad today. He gave up four runs in four innings, but that RBI single to Jeff Francoeur was a good pitch that got him on the handle. But a combination of Maine's off season workout regimen and Francoeur's off season workout regimen caused that ball to be hit off the handle with such force and spin, that it made it all the way to the outfield and then took a sharp right turn as soon as it hit the ground. I'm not worried about John Maine.
• I'm not worried about David Wright either. But he did leave four men on base today when a key hit could have changed the complexion of the game. No, it's not a microcosm of anything, but David Wright had a tough game.
  

All In

So, baseball gods...I see you've called my bluff.

I asked for a reason for belief. You saw that with a one hitter, raised me a benches clearing brawl as an extra sign of life...and a Phillies loss to the Nationals.

Do I call? Do I fold? Do I raise?

I'm all in, baby.

Here I go, baseball gods...all my chips are at the center of the table and I've got acey deucey going up against your jack-six. Let's turn over those cards.

Show me an ace on the flop...an ace as in Tommy Glavine.

Show me a deuce on the turn...as in two wins by the Nationals.

You give me that, there's no need for the river...as in the river crossed by going over the Walt Whitman bridge for a one game playoff with the Phillies.

You're surprised? You're surprised that I'm all in? Why? Do you think I'm scared of you? You think I'm scared because two weeks ago I had a chip pile a mile high, and now I'm down to a handful? Well maybe as the days grew by I was discouraged...but I've pretty much lost everything. There's nothing more to lose at this point. And as you know, it's dangerous to deal cards to someone who's got nothing to lose.

Am I blinking? Not really. In fact I'm staring you baseball gods down without so much as batting an eyelash. Because really, what if I lose? What if you get three sixes and wipe me out? What do I have to be afraid of? Making you guys mad? Feeling your wrath? What more can you do to me that hasn't already been done to me?

Karma? Should I be afraid of baseball karma? Karma's a bitch, you say? Yes, I've said it too. And you know what?

F**k Karma!

What the f**k has Karma gotten me over the last two weeks? I'll tell you what it's gotten me...f***ing grief, that's what! Hell I've practically left the Yankees and Yankee fans alone this season and what has it gotten me? They've made a miraculous comeback from the dead, every rookie they have has a Yankeeography, and they're tearing down the bat at Yankee Stadium to make room for the gold plated statue of Joba Chamberlain for the fans to meet by. Make that the backdrop to my team's collapse, and you want to tell me that Karma plays this game of baseball fair? You want to tell me that Karma doesn't have aces up it's sleeve to use against me, like it did in '87? In '99? In 2000? In 2001? Game seven last year? Where exactly is the reward I get from Karma for not messing with it?

F**k Karma!!! I'm staring Karma down just like I'm staring you down, baseball gods. And if the city of Philadelphia wants to get in on the staredown then bring it on, boys and girls. I know you want nothing better than to knock us down, and I know you're beating down the doors to the castle waiting to come in and bury us once and for all. I know you're there and I'm waiting for you with my chips at the center of the table.

And Mets fans, I'm staring you down too. I'm staring you down because I want you all in with me. I want you in if you've believed all season. I want you in if you gave up somewhere along the way. I want you in if you've said that this is the last straw with this team. I want you in because I've done all three. I've felt it all. I've been to hell and back. I was at the Pendleton game. I was at the Scioscia game. I was at Game Five in 2000. Whatever you've seen, I've seen it.

Whatever you've felt, I've felt it.

Whatever you've done, I've done it.

Whatever you've thrown against the wall in anger, I've broken the wall with it.

Whatever the Mets have done to your heart, I've taken medicine for it.

And even after all that...even after Mike Stanton, Kenny Rogers, Brian Jordan, Art Howe, Terry Pendleton, Bobby Bonilla, Vince Coleman, Armando Benitez, Larry Jones, Willie Harris, Jimmy Rollins, and the rest of the rogues gallery of Mets criminals, I'm still willing to put everything on the line knowing that this team we're banking on could fold their hand and come up with the game that's going to make every bad moment in this franchise history seem like a ticker tape parade in comparison.

I know it. I embrace it. And I refuse to fear it anymore. Because according to the rest of the world, we're mongrels. They want us dead and buried once and for all.

Are you really going to turn in your cards and fold after that?

Not me.

As for you baseball gods, you're trying to get a bad beat on me, and I say bring it. There's two cards to turn over on Sunday. Maybe one card on Monday. I'm ready for whatever happens. They say never bet money that you're afraid to lose, and it's high time to stop being afraid. Here's my ace, here's my deuce. You beat it, you win. Remember that you don't have all my money yet...and a wise man once said that if you don't have my money then you are mine.

So, baseball gods...let's play some cards.

Sliding Bullpen Doors

Here's the answer:

Shawn Green hit a dramatic home run in the eleventh inning against the St. Louis Cardinals in Game 7 of the 2006 NLCS sending the Mets to the World Series, where they defeated the Tigers in five games. Yes?

What would have happened if Yadier Molina had been abducted by aliens off the side of I-10 in Reading, PA last October?

That's correct.

(And now your Final Jeopardy answer: Roy Oswalt for Aaron Sele. The question we were looking for was "What is a pipe dream?")

Monday night's Cardinals/Mets game...the first Cardinals/Mets at Shea Stadium since you know what...would have to go into the ninth tied at 1-1, wouldn't it?

It would have to feature Billy Wagner facing So Taguchi in the ninth inning, wouldn't it?

It would have to feature Aaron Heilman in any capacity, wouldn't it?

All that was missing was Guillermo Mota shaking off Paul Lo Duca.

It even had the Mets facing a dominant lefty Tiger. No, not Kenny Rogers, this time it was Mike Maroth...and dominant he was, if no longer a Tiger. And even though he never even pitched in last year's series, it was too close a call. It was still too much of a reminder of what could have been if, as the Jeopardy contestant said, Yadier Molina had been abducted by aliens (or injured, as he actually was).

But regardless of the fact that this outcome came eight months too late, the Mets will take it. They'll take the excellent bullpen work by Wagner, Heilman, and for pure level of difficulty: Pedro Feliciano and his Houdini act in the seventh inning, getting Scott Spiezio (oh, the pangs of reminder) to ground out back to the box and preserve the tie, and set up Shawn Green's 11th inning swing (which was reminiscent of a five year old with a new Nintendo Wii swinging with that exaggerated uppercut from his foul ball to his game winning walk off, but hey...whatever works.)

Here are some funny things to consider:

• Did you notice the home run swing is back around the same time as the hair?
• Would this home run have happened had Julio Franco not missed this game due to injury? Because you know that Franco would have been out there at first base instead of Green against a lefty had Franco didn't come down with a sore birth certificate...I mean, sore knee? (Well, seeing as if Shawn Green played right field and not first base as he did on Sunday...which confused me, then that blows the theory to smithereens. There's a second shooter though, and I'll find him gosh darn it.)

It's just more alternate endings to the fork in the road that is the life of a Met fan. Sore knees, Nintendo swings, alien abductions...they're all fun to wonder about. But you know that what really happens the rest of this season will be much more inventive and interesting than those fictional situations. The baseball gods wouldn't have it any other way.