Stimulus Splinter

When last we left Ralph Kiner, he was comparing Fernando Martinez to Ted Williams.

On Saturday, Kiner was at it again ... comparing Ike Davis to Ted Williams during the SNY broadcast.

So let me get this straight, we have not one, but two Splendid Splinters in the New York Mets organization? Wow! Get that Canyon of Heroes ready for the next hundred years!

(The bad news is that in the parking lot after the game, Kiner told a fan that Frank Catalanotto, Alex Cora, Dillon Gee, his goldfish, and fagiolini rigati all reminded him of Ted Williams.)

But the fact remains, Davis has come up and been involved with five wins and only one loss with the Mets. The Stimulus has batted .350, cleared the bullpen with a home run, saved Snoop Manuel's job, fixed Oliver Perez's control, used mind tricks on Yunel Escobar, ended Jason Bay's slump, turned Henry Blanco into Rickey Henderson, optimized the batting lineup, and made Larry Jones drop that infield fly on Friday. All that's left for Davis to do now is put more Mets pictures on the walls of the ballpark, revamp the tiered pricing system, and end poverty and hunger in the inner cities. Who says he can't do it? He already has the Ted Williams swing down. The rest should be easy.

Low & Slow

With Jeff Francoeur mired into an 0-for-18 slump heading into Wednesday night, and David Wright slumping worse than Julian Tavarez in a singles bar, it was time for Howard Johnson to organize another one of those barbecues. They worked so well on Francoeur at the beginning of the season that the boys ordered out from Hill Country BBQ in the city.

Problem was ... the BBQ was delivered to the wrong clubhouse. And Carlos Silva ate it all. To make matters worse, barbecue for Silva is like spinach for Popeye. How else could Silva give up only two hits and two walks in six innings? That's right ... lots of meat. And chicken.

And macaroni and cheese.

What? It can't be because the Mets' lineup has the consistency of runny eggs. Nah, I refuse to believe that.

Worst part is, now Snoop's postgame newsers are like watching an ant drown in honey thrashing his arms around begging for a life raft (enjoying the food references?) hoping the right answer will turn on a faucet full of runs. Last night, he talked about breaking up Frenchy (now 0-for-22) and Jason Bay like they were troublemakers throwing firecrackers at a fourth grade ballet recital. You know what that means ... that's right. First lefty stick with a high strikeout rate gets a job in the middle of the order. Line forms to the left. Woo hoo!

Can't we blame Oliver Perez for this? It's so much more fun when it's Ollie's fault. I mean, he wasn't that great, but he wasn't that much worse than what Jon Niese was the other night. He didn't completely implode, and he didn't hang himself with his own intestines on the mound. So that in itself is a moral victory.

No, I can't in good conscience lay false blame. The Mets lineup would do better to stride to the plate and try to hit Silva with a side of beef.

Hit this, Bluto.

For People Who Communicate Not Good

"But I am throwing my fastball." -John Maine to Dan Warthen during a trip to the mound on Sunday night.

Not that I necessarily trust the lip reading skills of Joe Morgan, but ...

Uh-oh.

And not for nothing, if there was ever a time to cover your mouth with your glove when you speak, that would have been it, no?

It's never a good thing when you have a Brewster's Millions moment on the mound where the pitcher throws his fastball and the announcer calls it a changeup, along with everyone on both benches. It sure isn't a good thing if your pitching coach thinks you're throwing a change-up. And you know what's really scary? Not only is it my second Brewster's Millions reference regarding that particular scene, but I'm not even the first person to make a John Maine/Brewster's Millions connection this week!

Yeah, uh-oh.

That Maine actually got through the fourth inning scoreless was something of a feat, much like the feat that Mets pitchers pulled off this weekend of minimizing Albert Pujols' damage. Think about this for a second: Pujols was 2-for-14 this weekend with four walks. And the Mets dropped two out of three. That's like getting Shakira's phone number and transposing two of the digits while putting it in your cell.

But the fifth inning was Maine's undoing as a walk, single and Colby Rasmus' three run dinger put Maine out to pasture. And once Adam Wainwright found his groove against a lineup that featured Frank Catalanotto in the clean-up spot, you knew it was over. You weren't sure whether it would take 8 and a half innings via a Ryan Ludwick home run, or 24 innings after Blake Hawksworth no-hits them for nine innings after Tony La Russa says he's not available, but eventually the Mets were going to be toast. That I was happy the game wrapped up promptly so that I could catch the Sharks/Avalanche game is a distressing sign on my part.

In a related story, the lineup probably isn't going to feature Catalanotto in the clean-up spot much longer as the club is doing the deed and bringing up Ike Davis. Something tells me that the Mets actually wanted to keep Davis down and let him dominate AAA for a little while longer. But that the sorry state of first base combined with the desperation of the front office and coaching staff to keep their jobs has expedited the process. I'll admit it. The recent rushing of prospects has made me gun shy about bringing these guys up too soon. But at least Davis is a college product and he's 23. And by all accounts he's projected in that "very good to special" category. I hate that Chris Carter is never going to get a chance with the Mets, which means that the Billy Wagner trade is now officially botched forever dooming Carter to Val Pascucci status unless they can now find a trade partner for him. But if Ike Davis is ready, then this is the move to make ... even if it is for the wrong reasons.

If ... he's ready.

Ike Davis: "The Stimulus"

Now as long as Davis isn't brought up to fall victim to a straight platoon with Fernando Tatis or a Snoop Manuel quadruple switch, he'll be fine.

This One Cuts Deep

This is what happens when Raul Valdez's glass slipper breaks.

Well now the season is truly underway, isn't it? Now that the Mets have had their first true kick in the stomach, we're now officially wading waist deep into the season. There's no turning back to shore now. It's onward to the ocean floor without a life raft.

For me, I think we're now starting to see how a front office and a manager can lose ballgames. Omar Minaya, bless his heart, having been hamstrung by ownership's budget, couldn't bring in a quality lefty for the bullpen to complement Pedro Feliciano. Instead, he borrows one from the Mexican league. Nobody, not even Gary Cohen had heard of Raul Valdez when he made his spring training debut in mid-March. Despite that fact, he made the Mets roster ... which tells you something about how easy it must have been to make the roster.

But when you keep relying on Mexican league castoffs when your ace bullpen lefty looks like death, you're going to get burned more often than you should in a 162 game season. You aren't going to be burned all time time, but in a league where the difference in talent can come down to a few pitches here and there (like the one Valdez threw to Felipe Lopez for the deciding grand slam), you will be burned enough times to make the difference between being in contention for a wild-card spot, and battling the Nationals for fourth place. This is why the Phillies can survive injuries to Jimmy Rollins, Joe Blanton, J.C. Romero and Brad Lidge and go 8-2, while the Mets have Raul Valdez.

Also, when you consistently rely on the likes of Mike Jacobs and Fernando Tatis, you will be burned. But when Jacobs is placed higher in the order than the white hot Jeff Francoeur by the manager, then there's plenty of flame to go around. Jacobs ended the Mets' first inning rally with a strikeout with Frenchy on deck. Then, with Dennys Reyes coming in to face Jacobs in the all important eighth inning rally, Tatis comes up to pinch hit and he strikes out. The alternative would have been Frenchy batting in that spot and facing the righty, Blake Hawksworth.

(Wait a second ... Blake Hawksworth??? Come on. That's not a real person. That was the name of a villian in "Spenser: For Hire". Or Joan Collins' love interest in "Dynasty". Or a Peter Griffin muse in "Family Guy". I mean, are the Mets this bad that they can't muster up a rally against a fictional character???)

Now don't get me wrong. Ultimately, it's players who win or lose ballgames. I believed it when Willie Randolph was making questionable moves/non-moves with the bullpen, and I believe it now. But the people in charge aren't helping any. Friday night was proof.

The shame of it all was that the good Oliver Perez actually showed up to the ballpark tonight. We haven't seen Good Ollie for a long time! For all we know Good Ollie was on a Himalayan expedition since 2008. And this is how he gets treated upon his return? He'll never come back after this. He was shaky in the first couple of innings (walking the immortal Allen Craig in the first inning with first base open and some guy named Pujols on deck had me inventing new curse words) but finished brilliantly. Oliver Perez did this.

And yet, the fruit of his labor was the pumpkin that Raul Valdez's limousine turned into before midnight could cast it's shadow on St. Louis. It was so bad that I wanted to vomit voluntarily ... but there wasn't an 11-year-old in the immediate area so I passed.

Indefensible

I don't know why Fernando Tatis is on this team.

I think he's finished.

If I became the GM of the Mets, move one is to present Tatis with a gold watch and a donation to his church (not Ryan Church), and send him on his merry way.

All of that said, I would still rather have Tatis in the hole to pinch hit against Manny Corpas than to inexplicably have him pinch run for Mike Jacobs as the winning run.

I'm not one to dissect in-game moves a whole bunch, and I know it didn't have a whole lot to do with the outcome of the game. But if somebody can tell me what Gangsta was thinking on this one, I'd love to for you to tell me. Is Tatis that much faster than Jacobs to justify wasting his bat off the bench to pinch run for Jacobs, and forcing Alex Cora to bat against Randy Flores? And why did Snoop wait until the count was 2-2 on Rod Barajas to make that change? Did he just watch Rocky II where Mickey waited until the 15th round to switch Balboa back to southpaw?

Worst case scenario: Cora is announced as the pinch hitter for Ryota Igarashi, Jim Tracy brings in Flores to face Cora, Tatis pinch hits for Cora, Flores intentionally walks Tatis, and Corporal faces Flores or whatever righty Tracy wants to bring in with the bases loaded. And you still leave Jacobs in the game because all the lefties have been burned with Franklin Morales having been used.

Or hell, Tatis doesn't even have to pinch hit for Cora, as Cora is actually a decent hitter against lefties (.273 lifetime, .292 in 2009). But why back yourself into that corner? Why not give yourself options? Why expose your queen when your rooks are still in play?

(Editor's note: I suck at chess, so that analogy probably made no sense to you chess aficionados. I apologize in advance.)

Instead, Snoop tries to gain three tenths of a second by pinch running Tatis, and Alex Cora lines out meekly to second base, and the Mets lose because Jenrry Mejia hyperventilates at his first close game situation and gives up a tenth inning bomb to Chris Ianetta. Oh, and a late inning comeback goes down the drain as the Mets fall to 2-6. Yeah, that worked out well.

King Cranky

Johan Santana losses are like twice the size of a normal loss. That's the burden that Santana carries on this team, much like the burden that Henrik Lundqvist perpetually carries for the New York Rangers. As a goalie for a team that is scoring challenged, chances are that if King Henrik isn't spectacular, the Rangers lose. Unfortunately there are too many nights where King Henrik is spectacular, but the Rangers still lose. Sunday's winner take all for the playoffs, unfortunately, was a prime example.

For Johan Santana, it might be worse. At lease Lundqvist can start 85% of his team's games and win 35 games a year. If Johan could win 35 games a year maybe Met fans wouldn't worry so much. But he can't. And now that he's suffered a strange loss against the Washington Nationals, we know that we aren't going to see him again until Friday or Saturday. And coming off a loss heading into a series against a playoff team on the road and throwing John Maine, Jon Niese, and Mike Pelfrey at the Rockies, Sunday's loss hurts more.

Santana wasn't spectacular on Sunday. The surprise wasn't that Johan gave up a long ball, the surprise was the road to that homer, which was a triple to Nyjer Morgan and two walks. Santana is prone to the long ball early in the season, but usually they're solo shots. Though I suppose that if Felix Hernandez can hit a grand slam off Santana then Josh Willingham certainly can.

But when Santana isn't spectacular, and certainly when he shorts out in the first inning, it had to deflate the team. On the one hand, it could be correct to say that Santana could have had one of those Lundqvist games today where he was spectacular and they still would have lost because the Mets couldn't get a good shot at Livan Hernandez. But is it? Could Johan's freaky first have deflated the Mets to the point where the entire lineup pressed at the plate against Livan's slow pitch softball stuff?

And that brings me to another point, if Snoop Manuel was right in saying that the team was "unprepared" to hit Livan Hernandez, a guy that most of this lineup played with last season, then that's on Snoop and his coaches. If, however, Bob Ojeda was correct on the postgame show in saying that the Mets were in fact prepared but were simply pressing too much against Livan, who was clearly taking advantage of that, then that begs the following question: What the hell game is Snoop watching???

The Rangers?

And for the lack of a segue that works, let me say this: If Willie Harris wants to flatter himself and think that Frankie Rodriguez plunked him in the ninth inning because he made a game saving catch on Saturday, then let him do so. But if he's going to bark at Frankie for a pitch that hit his arm in an area that was just off the inner half, then he deserves whatever he gets.

Yes, I'm crawling back into "Baseball needs to be more like it was in the 80's" mode, so pay close attention: If I'm Frankie, I go one step further than simply saying "f**k you" to Harris a couple of times, and put one right in Nyjer Morgan's back after that. Willie wants to bitch and moan? Give him something to bitch and moan about. Now, I know what you're going to say: "Oh Metstradamus that's extreme! Nyjer Morgan didn't do anything!" Or: "What if Morgan charges the mound and Frankie hurts his arm?" Or: "What if the Nats retaliate and David Wright gets hit in the head again?" Valid points. I'm not Frankie Rodriguez. I don't have to be concerned with my long term health put in the hands of doctors who will probably have their recommendations squashed by ownership. All of your responses are logical, and I'm not.

But screw it. I'm sick and tired of players like Willie Harris thinking that they have latitude to hang over the plate and then be big mouths when they get hit because they're on the right side of the scoreboard. I'm tired of the "he dominated you, get over it" mentality. There are idiots on either side of the scoreboard. And maybe if Willie Harris sees Morgan take a fastball in the middle of the number one on his back, maybe he isn't going to be so quick to open his mouth when the moment doesn't call for it like Brian Bruney did (that Jacobs home run, couldn't have happened to a nicer guy ... Maybe the mere sight of Bruney was the thing that sparked Frankie to react the way he did.) What's the worst that can happen? Teams hate the Mets? Like that isn't already the case. Or Frankie Rodriguez gets suspended for the next three games? So what? Like he's going to get a save chance in Colorado anyway at this rate.

And yet, I also tire of trying to convince people that the Mets need to return to some vigilante justice just once in their lives. It's a losing battle. Everyone is everyone's friend these days, and everybody just wants to run their mouths instead of charging the mound or sending a message like Bob Gibson used to do because nobody wants to be fined. It's the way of the world and I'll just have to be happy with Frankie throwing a couple of f-bombs instead of a beanball and go on my merry, cranky way.

The More Things Change ...

A fresh new injury.

Not one but two updates on Jose Reyes.

The Mets batting average with runners in scoring position.

All present and accounted for in the SNY Mets Post Game Report sponsored by whoever the heck is sponsoring that show these days (KFC? Arpielle Equipment? Slap Chop?), and Geico Sports Night following the Mets 3-1 loss to the Marlins. It's eerie how we all want to move on from 2009, yet it wafts over you like the stench of rancid meat.

Surely after two games where a Mets offense that has the ability to make Nate Robertson look like a superstar could only muster 13 hits in 18 innings and scored seven runs mainly on the strength of the other team's weakness, Snoop Manuel, Gangsta, would have a plan for his hitters to become more productive. Maybe a change in the batting order. Maybe some extra hitting. Maybe a barbecue at Howard Johnson's house. No ...

"We need a couple guys hot at the same time." -Jerry Manuel

That's it? That's the grand plan? Hope? Pray? Plead to a higher power? I thought that was our job as fans. But no, that's the manager's grand plan. One day, that plan will work. And yeah, I know the manager can lead a horse to the plate but can't make him hit. But the problem is that Omar Minaya already passed the buck to him when at the onset of free agency, he basically said that it was up to the coaches to make the players that are already on the roster better (translated: I have no money or prayer to get anyone so you're on your own). And now, the manager's way of "making the players better" is crossing his fingers and toes and wishing upon the one star he could see through the pollution. There's nobody left to pass the buck to.

But that was nothing compared to this post game gem regarding the bottom of the lineup:

"They're not power guys but they can hit the ball out of the ballpark."

What? I don't know what that even means!!! Who exactly did he just describe ... Rod Barajas? Luis Castillo?

Al Pedrique?

Oh well. At least Jon Niese came up with a quality start, so maybe Snoop will stop being concerned about the rotation for two or three hours before the next one takes the mound. You know ... the one that isn't a hard thrower but can throw the ball hard.

Friendly Reminders And Bird Poop

I'm not here to push the panic button. Not on April 8th. But know that it's always close by.

It's close by because of the reminders we received on April 7th.

Reminder number one: John Maine is your second starter.

You know, maybe John Lackey wouldn't have come to New York even if Omar Minaya/Jeff Wilpon did give him the hard sell. Most likely, it was Boston or bust for Lackey regardless of what Minaya came with. I understand this, trust me. But when I see Maine reach the 60 pitch count in the third inning with only about half of the chucks being strikes while checking the scoreboard and seeing that Lackey is twirling six shutout innings against the Yankees, I want to do my Maine imitation and puke.

Reminder number two: Jenrry Mejia is twenty years old.

He's not ready. He's not ready. He's not ready. I'll hold to that like a warm blanket. But if even he is ready ... are sixth inning appearances down by three runs what we have to look forward to? Is this why Snoop and Omar rushed him and his 97 mph fastball? To get hit hard by the bottom of the Marlins lineup to mop up after the latest starting pitching fiasco?

Reminder number three: Sean Green is no Chad Bradford.

Chad Bradford went through 62 innings in 2006 only giving up one home run as a Met. Of course it was a walk-off, but that's a small detail. Sean Green's Chad Bradford imitation only needed two batters to give up his first home run of the season. Yeah, this submariney thing is going to work out just fine.

Reminder number four: Sometimes, irony is not your friend.

Snoop liked Hisanori Takahashi because he threw strikes. What does he do in his major league debut in the tenth inning? Go 2-0 on Wes Helms, of course. Then goes 2-1 on a batter who's trying to bunt Wes Helms over before taking the loss in the tenth. Even when the Mets do the right thing, the dice come up snake eyes.

And even when the Mets shake off a wild pitch that results in the third out of the seventh inning while David Wright was up with the bases loaded (on a questionable baserunning play by Fernando Tatis, it should be noted for posterity) to come back and tie the game in the eighth, the Mets roll craps. Think about this: the team wasted a Jeff Francoeur walk during the eighth inning rally after being down 0-2. A Jeff Francoeur walk!!! His second of the season! Although I have to tell you, Frenchy walking is kinda reminiscent of an acid trip.


Yeah, kinda like that.

Maybe Frenchy has two walks because he finally realized that they do, in fact, put your OBP on the scoreboard.


Hey, whatever works.

Speaking of working, here's something that's not working: that bird misting thing they're trying.

Bird Doctor was contacted by Citi Field as a proactive measure to prevent birds such as pigeons from taking up residence in the new stadium. Installing the new Bird Control Misting system will help keep maintenance costs down, while maintaining the overall appearance and cleanliness of the stadium. Maintenance costs can soar if weekly cleanup of bird droppings is required; bird droppings are unsightly and can transmit disease.

Umm, well check out what diseases I saw transmitted tonight (besides the ones I contracted from watching the ten inning debacle) ...



Y'know it's not like the Mets don't have enough problems with the human doctors ... the bird doctors aren't going to cooperate either?

A Fine Day For A Dog And An Underdog

Yes Virginia, you can take your disguises off your dog. No longer will your dog, your neighbor, your friends and loved ones need to wear disguises in public. It's 2010, so you can proudly wear your Mets gear in public again. And many people sure as hell did at Opening Day.

I miss Opening Day. I miss being there. Used to be that I'd go every season, or almost every season. 2010 marked the first time I'd been at the opener in nine seasons, and obviously my first one at Citi Field. I'll say this for the new barn, it's certainly been Metsmerized.


Yes, of all the new banners hanging outside the place, George Foster made the cut ... probably the only recognition of those late 70's/early 80's unis you'll see. But the fact that you see it shows you that on some level, the Mets care a little more about your fan experience than they used to.

Oh, and the blue paint on the stairwells helped too. Makes you wonder what was so hard about thinking of all this (along with the official dedication of the Adam Dunn Bridge, which is now the William Shea Bridge) last year. But hey, late really is better than never.

But back to Opening Day, I miss it. You know what I miss the most? I miss the fact that only on Opening Day can you hear the fans' visceral reaction that has been pent up since the beginning of October. For example, if you're the Mets' physical therapist, you can live 364 days of the year in anonymity. But on Opening Day, there's nowhere to hide. You've gotta toe the line like the rest of 'em and hear what the fans really think of you. In most places, fans may forget about all the injuries, but not here. Here, in Flushing, the physical therapist gets booed with an intensity only surpassed by the boos that Oliver Perez received.


What, you thought we forgot about last season? Nope, not until that first pitch was thrown for a strike by Johan Santana. After that, it was all good. And you knew it would be with Santana throwing darts for six innings and David Wright finally figuring out which part of the ballpark he needed to aim at for maximum production, or as Gary Cohen called it: "Utley's Corner" (why Gary, why?), Jason Bay pulled a Rock of the Westies and debuted at the top of his game, and the Marlins failing to navigate a harsh wind that made the field look like a National Geographic special on the mating habits of hot dog wrappers and other assorted garbage. Poor Frenchy looked like he was in a scene from District 9 in the Mo's Zone, which is probably a valley of dustmites by now. Hell I got hit with windblown beer and a half full bag of pretzels. I thought Alex Cora was going to blow away.

(Editor's note: On this beautiful Monday, I learned that left field can be just as much a sun field as right field ... but only on one side of your face. Must be that creative geometry Dave Howard talks about all the time. Only having red around one eye makes a sunbathing fan look like "Phantom of the Ballpark". So buyer beware, and bring some sunblock.)

Obligatory analysis of Snoop Manuel, the bad: How do you have your star free agent acquisition bat behind a guy who wasn't even a lock to make the roster a week ago (Mike Jacobs)? That'll be a disaster at some point. The good (at least for this game): Leaving Fernando Nieve in for the eighth inning after pitching a very good seventh inning. Somehow, I don't think Snoop is sold on Ryota Igarashi for the eighth inning ... at least not an eighth inning during a Johan start. No, not the time you want to debut a guy who struggled during the spring. So well played on that one, Snoop. But as the physical therapist learned, you can't hide forever.

So the underdog version of the Mets are 1-0, and tied for first place. But for this team, Opening Day is merely the ascension of the roller coaster. Wednesday night is Non-Johan Opening Day, so hold on to your hats.

The ride begins.

It's A One Horse Race

Fernando Tatis really made an impression on Mets brass during Wednesday's spring training win over the Astros, when two straight fly balls hit by Tatis were dropped by Astros fielders, including Fielding Bible award winner Hunter Pence, leading to a key Mets run.

"It's like those balls he hit had buzzsaws on 'em man," said Mets manager Jerry Manuel. "Those balls he hit were some gritty ... it really takes a special kind of hitter to make those balls move like that to confuse the fielders. I think if he can do this a couple times a game like he did today, we'd really have a better chance to win on most nights."

And thus it was announced after the game that Tatis will start at first base this season. Omar Minaya subsequently announced that Daniel Murphy was traded to the Twins for Joe Mauer ... 's copy of MLB 2K10 for Wii of which he's on the cover (the trade had to be modified when Minaya realized that Mauer is actually on the cover of MLB The Show). And Ike Davis was traded to the Phillies for Ryan Howard, who was traded to the Cardinals for Albert Pujols, who was traded to the Yankees for Francisco Cervelli ... clearing the way for Tatis to be the Mets first baseman for the rest of your life and your afterlife. But don't worry, the Mets also announced that lasagna bolognese will be served in your personal hell, and those pesky birds will be redirected away from your food.*

*Outside of the two dropped fly balls this post is satire, in case you didn't figure it out by the time Omar traded the best player in baseball for a back-up catcher which, though plausible, actually didn't happen ... this time. Please come down off the ledge and have a Peking Duck Bun.

Knocking Tradition Off Its Axis

Apparently, the news of Jose Reyes' imminent return has sent the planet into a frenzy. Something isn't right. First, the Mets do something sensible and send Ike Davis to the minors for his final bit of seasoning ...

Then, the Mets change the name of the spring training stadium in the middle of a game, making poor Gary Cohen announce the name change in the middle innings which clearly distracted Sean Green into thinking he was at Tradition Field when he was actually at Digital Domain Park throwing his latest train wreck of an inning ...

But the best proof that the world has gone insane is that during Tuesday's game, Jeff Francoeur walked ...

Twice!

I know, I know, Reyes' return distracted damn near everyone. Especially Oliver Perez, who's Tuesday outing was so stellar he had to be rescued by some guy named Raul Valdez ... who wore number 96, had no name on his jersey, and had Cohen scrambling to execute a Google search for information on him.

Luckily, chasing Perez around Digital Domain Park with a bat to scare him into throwing strikes is considered a baseball related activity. So get to it, Jose. And scare the crap out of Pelfrey and Maine too while you're at it.

***

"If we have a crisis or something over there, I would have no problem with Ike Davis being part of a championship season." -Snoop

After which the champagne will taste really sweet, right?

(Bangs head against wall)

Battle Plans

I suppose that when you consider the line of two runs in four innings for Oliver Perez on Thursday night against the Marlins, it's on pace to be a quality start, which would be three runs in six. Now that's like saying that winning on Opening Day puts you on a pace to be 162-0 so take it for what it's worth.

But it was this post-game quote from Perez that caught my attention:

"I didn't even think about striking out any guys. Sometimes you try to strike out guys and you start getting lost and lose your focus. Right now I'm just trying to not throw more pitches than four and five (per batter). The less pitches you have, the more deeper in the game you can go."

At least we have Oliver not thinking, which is a positive step forward. What Oliver meant to say was this:

"When I grow up, I want to be Jamie Moyer. And I figured I would speed up the process before I get my sorry butt sent to Buffalo, and I don't feel like pitching in the cold. I hate cold."

Nice that Oliver is trying to make Philosophy 101 work for him. And spring training is the time to do it. Here's what I hope doesn't happen: Oliver, Dan Warthen, and Snoop Gangsta decide that's this is what we want to do with every batter, all the time ... and that broad strokes and unwavering changes in philosophy are the way to go. Because it's nice that Oliver wants to be more efficient and that Snoop wants to throw strikes (necessary since Met pitchers led the free world last season by walking ... well, the free world). Great. All for it.

But not only do the bloggers know what Oliver and the Mets want to do, so do the opponents. You'll throw more strikes? Okay, we'll swing more. Oliver wants to be more efficient and only throw four or five pitches per batter? Great. We'll take more pitches ... especially those pitches that sail over our heads ... and maybe foul stuff off for good measure. Can't the plan be fluid to the situation as opposed to hitting the A button at full power all the time?

You know, if Eisenhower had given away the plans, we'd all be speaking German.

Shut Down In The Corner

When they say "shut down" in football, you think of Darrelle Revis: Shut Down Corner. The Mets version is Kelvim Escobar: Shut Down For Shoulder Soreness.

Now that he's out indefinitely, it makes you wonder why the Mets gave him guaranteed money if he was this fragile. And the only answer I could come up with was this: With Jose Reyes' hamstring pretty much healthy, the Mets had a spot open for that player who was perpetually two-three weeks away from returning that we have no choice but to hear about endlessly even though he's doing nothing. Escobar fits that bill well right now. Consider what we'll have the opportunity to read in the papers or hear reported on "Cash For Gold Pre-Game Live" for the next few months:

"Kelvim Escobar threw off flat ground today. Team doctors think he may be two-three weeks away."

"Kelvim Escobar performed Jerry Manuel's 'Let's Put the Pitchers at Shortstop For No Good Reason' drills without incident. Manuel told reporters that Escobar is two-three weeks away, but sources revealed that Manuel may have been kidding."

"Kelvim Escobar fed strained peas to a baby and his arm didn't sound like a bowl of Rice Krispies in the process. Omar Minaya thinks that Escobar may be two-three weeks away, but that he couldn't be sure about that until he confirms it with the Wilpons."

"Kelvim Escobar participated in agility drills and managed not to step on one of the hidden mine-fields that Tony Bernazard had buried during a 2009 motivational tactic gone horribly wrong. Escobar is thought to be two-three weeks away unless Bernazard shows up at camp and challenges him to a fight."

It's just a way to keep the Mets in the press.

The Ballad Of Ray Ramirez

You would think with not only Prevention, but Recovery too, that you wouldn't see Ray Ramirez on a major league field until at least the second game of spring training. Nope. Game 1. Elmer Dessens gets hit with a line drive and there's Ray Ramirez ... again. He's ubiquitous (look it up).

I know, I know. You can't prevent a line drive to the leg. I know this. It's nobody's fault. But how am I supposed to turn the page on 2009 when we can't get through a week without seeing Ray Ramirez?

But on the bright side, Larry Jones was nowhere to be found, Snoop gave Nick Evans his first at-bat since the '87 World Series, and the Mets still haven't lost since September. Hope springs eternal.

Oh wait, there's Ray Ramirez looking at Hope's hamstring. It sprung just a little too much there.

Easy On The Pissery

I love the Mets.

I'm sure that fact is easy to forget from your perspective as you read my constant razzes, piling on, and flat out pissery. (If Snoop Manuel can make up crackpot theories as to why Oliver Perez is wild, then I can make up new meanings for existing words, so deal with it.) So it's something I need to make it clear and reiterate sometimes. Everyone has their cross to bear ... loving the Mets is mine.

Yet I'm not one of those people that think winter is cold and lonely and that I need to inject caffeine straight into my veins to get through the 3-4 months without real live baseball. Winter is fun. This might have been more fun than others. I saw the Jets get to the AFC Championship game. I saw USA Hockey get to overtime of the gold medal game, and I'm about to go on the wild ride that is the Rangers make a big push for ninth place. Woo hoo.

And I also saw the Nets win six games ... one of them against the Celtics after they traded for Nate Robinson.

(After that I saw a chipmunk on downers with a broken leg drop 40 points on Robinson.)

Winter? Suits me just fine. A winter without the Mets? Probably did a little good for my sanity.

And yet I knew ... I knew that I was growing wistful for the Mets when I was watching the Winter Olympics, and I couldn't watch John Shuster cost the American curlers three wins on last rock without thinking of Aaron Heilman. And when all the alpine skiers started looking like Jose Offerman angrily wielding a baseball bat at a minor league pitcher, I knew I was starting to miss the game.

But when I was yelling at Carlos Baerga last night for missing an easy tag on Joe Girardi during the airing of a game that happened 14 years ago ... a game the Mets won, I knew I needed a ballgame, quickly.

Thankfully, we'll get one today.

And it's fitting that in the first game against a live opponent (don't give me intersquad ... we talkin' bout practice, man) it's Nelson Figueroa that will get the start. Not only is it nice to see Nelson get a chance to make the team after being tossed around the organization like a Jeremy Reed throw from first, it provides a certain symmetry from tossing in those long shadows that only meaningless October baseball can provide to pitching in the splashy sun that only spring training in Florida can muster up. It's Figueroa who provides the bridge between the despair of last season and the promise of 2010. And if you've reached the end of that bridge without jumping, then welcome to the season. If you haven't reached the end of the bridge, you've got about a month to get there.

But whether you're ready, or you're not, there's one thing we can all agree on:

How the hell did Baerga miss that tag? It's Joe Girardi for crissakes! A damn catcher!!! When are we going to be out from Baerga's contract so we can go sign Luis Castillo?

A Snoop Manuel Joint

The people that brought you the 80 pitch drill present:

Big Pelf on bizarre drill of pitchers fielding grounders at SS: "If there's a couple more injuries, one of us will have to move over there." -A Tweet from Newsday's David Lennon

You want to see a couple more injuries? Have Oliver Perez make some throws from shortstop. You'll get a couple more injuries.

So the pitchers are taking grounders at shortstop. Well, I guess you can never be too prepared since that situation comes up all the time (and by all the time, I mean never).

Coming up on Monday: The shortstops play left, the middle infielders play right, the third basemen throw in relief, the marketing department covers first on a bunt, and the outfielders play hockey. This way, everybody can do everything, and Snoop will have more time to write jokes since he won't have to spend so much time doing any actual managing. It's so stupid, it's brilliant! (And by brilliant, I mean stupid.)

Ocean's Five

Ya gotta love Snoop's optimism when talking about basically going into 2010 with the same rotation as 2009 (save for Fernando Nieve instead of Livan Hernandez):

"We might be fortunate enough to get away with this."

Notice it wasn't "I'd go to war with these guys" or, "We can do this with the players we got", or some similar positive jargon. But "fortunate enough to get away with this." If Danny Ocean had said that in the meeting room, Terry Benedict would have caught him and his gang in the basement of the Bellagio and there wouldn't have been two sequels. The End.

"Fortunate enough to get away with this." Not exactly the inspirational tone I need when deciding on how many tickets to buy this season. I don't know about you, but I smell slogan.

"The 2010 New York Mets ... Wha? We Might Get Lucky!"

Snoop also came up with a good one concering Kelvim Escobar, who had committed to the Mets' mini-camp and then never showed up:

Manuel said he had no qualms with the veteran pitcher's decision to skip the voluntary workouts.

"Johan [Santana], it was important for me to see him and Oliver Perez," Manuel said. "I really wanted to see those guys."

Oh sure, five innings in two seasons, I've seen plenty. Just, just leave that old VHS of the Blue Jays' highlight reel from 1997 on my desk, that'll do just fine.

"The 2010 New York Mets ... I Don't Actually See The Pitchers."

From Fall, To Winter, To Fail

As you can imagine, there's a lot of piling on when it comes to the Mets and, pretty much whatever they do. I should know, I'm probably the top guy on the pile (which is to say I get there really, really late), and the Mets have lost so much of the benefit of the doubt that if there's a pile, I'm on it.

That said, I'd like to believe that if the Mets had signed Ben Sheets, I would have been smart enough to realize that it was the best available move given what the Mets have done or not done this winter, and that it would have been, dare I say, the wise move. But alas, the Mets didn't sign Sheets. The Athletics did. And all that's really left to say is that this winter had been labeled as the most important in Mets history ... probably important enough to not go to their old standby of signing one very good player and throwing a whole bunch of spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks.

Instead, the Mets reverted to their same ol' same ol' and did exactly that. Imagine if Jason Bay had doubled back and taken Beirut's the Red Sox' offer. Where would this franchise be? Heck, even Jason Bay only serves to replace the numbers that Carlos Delgado was supposed to bring to the table in 2009. So, even if you assume that all of their injuries are magically healed (which they aren't going to be), are the Mets really better going into 2010 than they were going into 2009? And don't you think they need to be after the most important off-season in Mets history?

Now you can tell me that at least the Mets were in it for Sheets, and they were. Just not at the end when it counted. But it's funny how when it was apparent that the Mets weren't getting Sheets, Snoop Manuel went into jilted lover mode:

"I don't think the inventory out there is great."

The feeling is apparently mutual. And as the inventory gets worse and worse every day, it tells me that there really wasn't anything Omar Minaya could have done to bring him here outside of giving him the key to the vault and a signed Jeff McKnight jersey. Because if Sheets' perception is that Oakland gives him a better chance to win than the Mets, it's a perception that has been cultivated at a level higher than Minaya ... cultivated in part by the decision to bring Minaya back even though his strengths and weaknesses are in direct conflict with what the Mets needed this winter.

It's a quote I'll remember when Minaya signs John Smoltz.

In Case You Might Have Missed This

Remember when former Met Jose Offerman charged a pitcher with a bat?

Well, he tried to top that Saturday night.



Nice to know that anger therapy worked so well. Too bad Snoop Manuel wasn't there to defuse the situation with a joke.

"TV replays show that [Daniel] Rayburn falls when he loses his balance, but not because Offerman hit him." -Licey Tigers GM Fernando Ravelo

"Yes my client shot the man seventeen times, your honor. But clearly he died of the cancer that was ravaging his body. So hereto forth my client should go free, your honor."

In a related story, Omar Minaya has signed Offerman to a two year deal because Omar likes the "fire in his belly."

I Bring Perspective

So wait a minute ...

Mike Leach gets fired at Texas Tech because he put Adam James in a dark equipment shed after a concussion.

Meanwhile, a dark equipment shed would have been like an all inclusive resort to Ryan Church, who is still waiting for someone to be fired after not only being put on an airplane to Denver after a concussion, but having his toughness publicly questioned.

Why didn't this hit me sooner?

Snoop Manuel should hope that he never finds himself locked in a dark equipment shed with Church.