Saturday, July 16, 2005

Rebuttals For The Mailbag

Catching up on my correspondence after a particularly tough 2-1 loss to Atlanta:

Dear Mr. Piazza,

Friday night...down by a run...double play...bottom of the ninth.

So much for your renaissance. I guess my crusade to knock you down in the order continues.

Thanks for reading,

M. Damus

Dear Mets groundscrew,

You missed a spot.

M. Damus

P.S. Put $100 on Tiger to win the Open for me.

Dear Mr. Randolph,

Do you need an anvil to fall on your head to make you realize that David Wright deserves to hit higher in the order?

If so, it can be arranged.

M. Damus

Dear Mr. Glavine,

You deserved better tonight. The Red Sox will enjoy having you.

M. Damus

Dear Mr. Mazzone,

Your rocking is making me dizzy. Stop it, please.

M. Damus

Dear Julio Franco,

What sport did you play before baseball was invented?

Just wondering.

M. Damus

Dear Mike Stanton,

Those big circles that they were holding up in Milwaukee were the letter "O" for Lyle Overbay, Brewers first baseman. They did not signify doughnuts for your arrival into the game, fatso. Nice balk. You're a great pick-up.

M. Damus

P.S. While in Washington D.C., please try to save some McRib sandwiches for the rest of the city.

Dear Mr. Palmeiro,

You played in the game where the Mets clinched the division in 1986. You played left field and drove in two runs. I was at that game. Do you know what that means?

That means we're old.

Congratulations on hit #3,000.

M. Damus

Dear N.L. East Standings,

.500 sucks.

M. Damus

Dear Bobby Bonilla,

Hit me.

M. Damus

Dear Jeannie Zelasko,

You interrupting Ernie Harwell during the All Star pre-game show was a little like pre-empting "Frasier" in favor of a very special "Manimal".

M. Damus

P.S. Don't think I don't know that your baby is an alien with hair extensions. The Central Intelligence Agency is on their way.

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