Misplaced Funny Funds

Wait, let me get this straight ... the Mets made money off the Madoff scandal?

And still never signed an extra bat???

I mean, there was extra money? I don't buy it. If there was extra money, then why did I get an e-mail from the Mets offering a chance to win Dunkin' Donuts coffee for a year ... an e-mail which had absolutely no connection to the Mets whatsoever. Nice. If I wanted offers from Dunkin' Donuts, don't you think I would have subscribed to the Dunkin Donuts' e-mail list???

You can tell me that it wasn't just the Mets that did this. I got the same e-mail from the Cubs ... yeah, the team that filed for bankruptcy!

So all that money sat there doing nothing but collecting interest? F***ing Wilpons. Give it to someone who can actually use $47.8 million.

Like Steve Phillips! Hey, that should cover alimony for a couple of months.

I think I've blown a funny fuse on this. I feel like I'm Cartman in the episode of South Park where he had Kenny take the school picture upside down where you could see his buttocks instead of his face ... and then he took the picture and put it on a milk carton only to have two people come looking for him because they too have "buttocks where their heads should be".

Maybe I feel remorse ... although certainly not for Phillips, who put himself in this mess. More so for the family, in this mess through no fault of their own, who now have to deal with the details of all this get into the papers and thrust into the spotlight where they don't deserve to be. Maybe I indeed just blew a funny fuse. In either event, I hesitate to make light of this. It's too easy to cross the line from justifiable ripping to unnecessary piling on. Besides ... all the really funny stuff seems to have been already written, which would make me a plagiarist.

But in reality, he deserves to be ripped. It shouldn't surprise you that Phillips exhibits horrible judgement ... between trading for Mo Vaughn, discussing a David Wright trade, and unnecessarily ripping Carlos Beltran when standard op procedure on Sunday Night Baseball is to kiss everybody's butt, not to mention his first "fling" with infidelity. But this ... THIS!

...

Nah, that David Wright idea was still the worst.

Okay, now that the obligatory tongue-in-cheek portion of this monstrosity is over, check out Howard Megdal's take at NY Baseball Digest for a great take on the Phillips thing. I couldn't have put it any better.

What Have You Learned? Ownership

What Have You Learned is our very special off-season series that will outline what you've learned, what I've learned, and hopefully what the 2009 Mets have learned about themselves, others, and 2010. Today, we look at the Wilpon family, and their family values as they pertain to baseball.

Ownership is underrated. One need look no further than Tampa for proof, where the Devil Rays were less than the model expansion franchise until Stuart Sternberg took over, exorcised the Devil, and brought the newly christened Rays to the World Series. It's also where the late Bill Davidson took over the laughingstock Tampa Bay Lightning and gave them their first Stanley Cup. Take a look at where the Lightning are now under the ownership of Oren Koules, Len Barrie and Absolute Hockey Enterprises to see how fast prosperity can change.

If you believe in the theory that everything trickles down from the top, then you have to believe that the six seasons out of the last eight that have been nightmarishly terrible have also trickled from the top. Not coincidentally, the last eight seasons are the ones since Nelson Doubleday, for all intents and purposes, was out as Mets owner. Not that the Mets history before this has been littered with pennants and World Series titles, but through all of the past angst with this franchise, whether it be Steve Phillips vs. Bobby Valentine, Rick Peterson vs. Scott Kazmir, Art Howe vs. a nap, Julio Franco vs. Mother Nature, Tony Bernazard vs. Willie Randolph, Tony Bernazard vs. the Cyclones Chaplain, Tony Bernazard vs. the Binghamton Mets, Omar Minaya vs. Adam Rubin, Jose Reyes vs. healthy hamstrings, David Wright vs. Citi Field, the one and only common thread through all of this ... is you, Fred Wilpon. And you, Jeff Wilpon.

It's you. It's always been you. And keep in mind that you're forcing me to agree with Wallace Matthews twice in one season. It might be your most egregious offense.

So what have the Wilpons learned? Absolutely nothing. Not a damn thing. Think about it: What did yesterday's Wilpon media blitz solve? Mind you, I saw very little of it. Didn't have to. Hasn't anybody in the Mets organization learned that less is more? That's the tact they take with, say, Mets memorabilia in Citi Field. Unfortunately, it's not the tact they take with, say, news conferences. And while nothing of that level happened, by all accounts the appearance was a horror show. But everything that was said in that news conference and everything they said on the Yankee Propaganda Hour could have been given to us in a news release.

Or better still, not at all. The term "tone deaf" gets thrown around a lot when it comes to how the Mets are run, and Monday was another example. All I kept reading in the last two months is how Met fans want this season to end, and end quickly. What Jeff did was extend the season unnecessarily by one day with his "news" conference, the only news being broken was that he fired Luis Alicea so that he has more time for drinks with Tom Nieto. Jeff's presence on Black Monday, or on any other off day for that matter can never improve perception, only ruin it. His aim was to probably make me realize that ownership really feels bad about this and have me rally behind them. But what really happened was that I listened to him speak and thought that when the movie gets made about this franchise, Adam Sandler is a slam-dunk to play Jeff Wilpon. (And Jeff might be better suited to be a wedding singer anyway.)

And maybe we needed to hear something after 2007, but when you come and apologize three seasons in a row, it gets old ... especially after a season we knew was over in July. It doesn't need to be told to us, just shown to us. Your actions always speak louder than your words. Actions over the last four years: three do-or-die games lost at home, and a 70-win season.

And now, while your words say you're going to do everything you can to fix this, your actions say that you're prepared for the same old same old. Your actions say that you're willing to blame everything on the injuries without taking into account that the baseball that preceded it was shoddy at best. You'd better be right, or else you've just thrown 2010 away before the ink is dry on 2009.

You want to fix this? Start by not doing a thing going forward. You're bringing back Omar, you're bringing back Snoop. Fine. Now go away. Nobody wants to hear from you, nobody wants you peering over their shoulder. Let the baseball people do the baseball things, and you stick to running the business ... because that's what baseball teams are now, right? Nothing more than businesses. I accept that.

But know this: If all you're worried about is the bottom line ... if all you're worried about is the financial ledger, and you're not willing to admit that a baseball team is more than a business to your fan base, and you're not willing to go the extra mile for your loyal fans by doing things such as making your fans feel at home at Citi Field rather than making 90-year-old Brooklyn Dodger fans feel at home, then don't expect Met fans to treat your business as anything more than that. If you treat the Mets, your Mets, as a disposable income option for people who could care more about drinking wine at the Acela Club than about baseball, rather than a baseball team that people have had a life long love affair with, then don't expect the fans, your fans, to treat the Mets as anything more than just one of many choices for their entertainment dollar rather than 25 of their closest friends whom they can't live without. And know that the choices you make for your business do not live, or die, in a vacuum.

Remember that as you wonder why nobody's coming to your sparkling new ballpark in 2010.

Itemized

The lords of baseball saw an opportunity to throw some high hard ones by me while I've been away. To that I say, ha! You're going to have to do a lot better than this to get one by me. Besides, I have a team of experts not only finding these stories for me, they read them to me, they explain them to me, they spell out some of the words phonetically to me, and they diffuse bombs in their spare time.

So without further ado, I give you: "The things you've missed while I've been away."

Or is that, "The things I've missed while you've been away?"

Maybe it's "The things that we've all missed while David Wright's been away" ...

Oh, the hell with it, here's some stuff to read:

Item: Scott Kazmir traded to the Angels for two players not named Victor Zambrano.

First person that says "see, told you so" gets a beating. Kazmir for Zambrano: Still the worst trade ever. Anybody who wants me to rehash why it's worse than Ryan for Fregosi is more than welcome to ask.

Here's the funny thing, the Rays trading Kazmir for prospects is a "future" trade. The Mets trading Kazmir for Zambrano was a "now" trade. (Actually, it was a "never" trade.) The Rays are closer to first place "now" than the Mets were "then". Meanwhile, I can't be sure ... but I think Victor rang me up at Old Navy the other day.

Item: Billy Wagner finally gets into a game for Boston, and strikes out three in his inning of work.

Hooray for Country Time. And even though Brian Cashman was probably only doing his due dilligence for claiming Chris Carter on waivers from the Red Sox, and even though keeping Carter from joining the Mets this season in the Wagner trade is probably akin to doing him a favor and keeping him from getting injured ... screw you Cashman. Your team has the best team in baseball and you still have to cause unnecessary problems. We have enough necessary problems, for crissakes.

Surprisingly, it took until Sunday for Billy to get into a game. Apparently, Terry Francona is only allowed to pitch him if he doesn't throw a bullpen session, throw darts against Papelbon, or throw up earlier in the day. So I wasn't able to give you a video of "Enter Sandman" in Fenway Park from Friday. So instead I give you Jason Bay from Friday, for no other reason than to remind Steve Phillips that he traded him for Steve Reed.



Thanks for giving me that initial slice of hell that has been compounded over time.

Item: Catcher Josh Thole to be promoted, may only bat against righties.

Wait, this is the organization that rushes their prospects through the system ... so they could reach the majors and be coddled? Memo to Snoop: your major league catchers can't hit lefties (Santos: .234, Schneider: POINT ZERO ZERO ZERO). I know we're long past the point of managing to win (that point being 2008), but can we use our brains, if only a little bit? The next Joe Mauer could be here in September. Or, the next Joe Mauer could be in somebody else's organization. Or, the next Joe Mauer may be merely a twinkle in some groupie's eye right now. We'll never know for sure, because the Mets will continue to groom players of all shapes and sizes to be nothing more than glorified platoon/utility players, putting them in a box with no hope of breaking out and being more than what they are perceived to be.

Sounds a lot like life ... or at least life in Flushing.

Item: Jeff Kent honored in the Giants Wall of Fame (sent to the home office by Squawker Lisa).

Fans can visit the wall and wash the very motorcycle that Kent claimed to had been washing when he broke his wrist.

Item: Aaron Heilman pitches two innings of shutout baseball against the Mets on Saturday, only giving up one hit.

Seems that Heilman was claimed on waivers by a National League team on Thursday. If the Mets were that team, I'm burning down Citi Field. Immediately.

Triple play? Pshaw. Castillo Schmastillo. This ... is ... rock ... bottom.

Item: Jim Duquette blasts Mets for cancelling their fall instructional league.

Okay, scratch that. This is rock bottom.

And it brings it all full circle, doesn't it? We started with Kazmir, why not end with Duquette? When this is the man that is killing your organization for being cheap, what does that tell you? What does that tell you??? Jim Duquette is throwing tomatoes at you ... with more accuracy than Oliver Perez, at that!

"Now the rumors within the scouting circles are that they can't afford - which it roughly costs about 300 grand to staff and to invite and fly down all the players, to having meals throughout for about, it's like a 4 to 5 week program. It gives you a chance to extend the development of your young players, of your prospects. And they're not gonna have it. They have cancelled it for this fall. And to me, being a development guy, that's big news. If you're development oriented, it's not a good decision in my opinion."

Maybe that's why Thole is only batting against righties ... because they can't afford to develop his batting eye against lefties. Boy oh boy, nothing verifies the myth of a bad farm system like ... not developing your farm system. Thanks, Mr. Wilpon.

In a related story, the Mets have saved millions in salary by trading Danny Meyer to the Padres in exchange for Grimace, the Hamburglar, and a fictional character to be named later. Shake Shack will now serve delicious McDonald's cheeseburgers for the 2010 season.

North Flushing Forty

This may all be Jose Valentin's fault.

As I sit here and watch the Mets strut their, er ... stuff on national television, I feel as if it's probably time for one of those "what went wrong, how can it get better" posts. You know the one, it's generally designed to map out the road back to greatness. Except every time I do that I get slammed.

Okay, so I only really did it once. But I got slammed for it. (Editor's note: looking back on what I had suggested, you know it really wouldn't have been all that bad.) So this isn't going to be the "five moves to put the Mets back on the map" post, because I think it's going to take a hell of a lot more than that.

And that's the entire point ... because the Mets have been basing their entire existence over the last three years over making a scant few moves when the whole operation needs a complete overhaul in thinking. It's the phenomenon that Greg Prince refers to as he surmises that the Mets perpetual mission statement is to win Game 7 of the 2006 NLCS.

(Speaking of Greg, he and his co-host Jon Springer cordially invite you to "Two Boots Tavern" this Tuesday for the first 2009 installment of "Amazin' Tuesdays", where he'll welcome dignitaries such as Paul Lukas of Uni Watch, and author Matt Silverman. And old Mets baseball cards will get you a free beer, so saddle up.)

But then when you combine that with ownership which has been burned by both Bernie Madoff and Oliver Perez (and really, how many on this planet can say they've been burned by both?), you get a team that thinks they're one game away but spends as if they were forty games out. Why else would the Mets bother to sign players like Gary Sheffield who, while it's a shame that he was hurt while being the Mets greatest offensive threat, should never have been put in the position to be their greatest offensive threat, and that's the shame of it.

But it's a pattern that was given legitimacy by the one and only Jose Valentin. It's his fault for having such a good season at the age of 36 to give Omar Minaya the belief that there are more in the bargain bin like him. It's also his fault for striking out in the sixth inning with the bases loaded in Game 7. Without either/or, the ill-fated chase for the unattainable would have ended before it began.

Now this isn't to pick on Valentin, but the fact of the matter is that we're a long way from the days where Valentin provided over 50 RBI's from the sixth, seventh, and eighth spots in the lineup. And it didn't have to be that way. When Omar Minaya came out with his "the bullpen has been addressed" speech, everybody knew that the team still needed a bottom of the order bat and a true back of the rotation starter. Omar got 'em, but he got 'em from the scrap heap and the bargain bin.

We already knew that.

We also know that this team gets injured ... a lot. Happened again on Sunday, as Fernando Nieve was the latest Met to go down with a lower body injury ... yeah, a lower body injury. I'm through regurgitating the propaganda of the New York Mets. And that's another part of the problem ... a big one. Because not only is everyone getting hurt ... not only is the information heavily filtered ... not only is the information heavily wrong ... but the way the injuries are handled are a joke.

And remember, the people that used to handle the Mets medical issues were replaced because, among other things, Mike DeJean was sent out to the mound with a fracture in his leg that doctors never caught. So they were replaced by the Hospital for Special Surgery. Now I'm sure you all read the Adam Rubin article, but it's fascinating in that it's not necessarily the doctors that are at fault. Consider:

The scrutiny of the Mets goes far beyond free spending by a baseball operations department that failed to keep the minor-league system stocked. Questionable medical moves such as last year's decision to fly Church cross-country with a concussion have become commonplace. Still, players expressed full faith in the Hospital for Special Surgery, which provides care to the organization, and instead fault how the organization has used the information it is provided (...)

A source with ties to the Mets indicated that Beltran is extremely upset that he played for a month with a bone bruise after receiving a cortisone shot. The bone bruise ultimately doubled in size because of a lack of adequate rest, according to the center fielder. Scott Boras eventually had Beltran get a second opinion from doctor Richard Steadman at the Vail, Colo., clinic that performed Alex Rodriguez's hip surgery.

Putz, who ultimately underwent surgery last month to remove a bone spur from his right elbow, had been told by team doctor David Altchek weeks earlier that he needed to immediately have the spur removed, a team source said. Instead, the Mets advocated a cortisone shot. Putz went 0-2 with a blown save and 7.71 ERA in 10 subsequent appearances before needing the procedure anyway. (...)

The Mets have had a curious track record of pushing players too hard. Billy Wagner was furious at Mets VP Tony Bernazard for insinuating that Wagner was dogging it when he complained of discomfort after throwing a simulated game in Pittsburgh last August. Weeks later, Wagner was undergoing Tommy John elbow surgery.

What the whole Rubin piece shows us is that nothing is in a vacuum. The Mets have boxed themselves into a corner to the point where they know full well that there's nothing in the minor league system, so in a twisted way it makes sense that Tony Bernazard is going to recommend cortisone shots and go against the wishes of the hospital ... anything to keep the baseball public from knowing how bare the cupboard actually is. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain ... it's Argenis Reyes!

It all fits. The signings are cheap because there's no money because of Bernie Madoff. And the major league talent are getting cortisone shots because there's nothing in the minor leagues except more of the low salaried, old man "talent" that are merely existing in Buffalo. Like pieces of a bloody jigsaw puzzle.

But you already knew all of the above. The big question is to ask what it all means for the future. The first option seems to be the most likely option as reported by most, and that's the return of Omar and Snoop for 2010. At best, the injuries are more of a factor than we all thought and 2010 will be the "our season has come" year. At worst, the realization that Minaya & Manuel are not the men for their respective jobs will come at the expense of one more season than necessary.

The second option is scary. That option sees Minaya and Manuel fired in favor of Bernazard and Manny Acta. I don't know Tony Bernazard, but everything I read about him tells me that I shouldn't trust him as far as I could physically, or even mentally, throw him. I've dealt with people who are sneaky, and that man is sneaky. And while Acta isn't necessarily a bad hire, if Bernazard he does hire Manny Acta, it only proves that he's more concerned with hooking up a friend and a favorite of his than hiring the best man for the job. If Bernazard paid more attention to his job than worrying about who's employed at other positions, maybe the organization would be in better shape than it's in.

The third option is: none of the above. Maybe the team thinks outside the box and brings a fresh approach to an organization that needs one. But would it matter? Would the Wilpons be in a position to spend money? Forget Bernie Madoff for a second, and think back to where the organization was before Omar Minaya, where the team was presenting half-ass offers to Vladimir Guerrero to save face before presenting us with the pizza twins (Karim Garcia and Shane Spencer) to play right field. Then Minaya came. And then came Pedro Martinez. And he made possible the signing of Beltran, which led to the trade for Delgado and the trade for and signing of Johan Santana. (I don't count Frankie's signing ... they swooped in to get what they needed in the midst of a bad economy. And I'm convinced that if the economy was strong, Frankie is still an Angel today.)

But what now? And what of the winter of '09-'10? While nobody will be asking for another big fish (and apparently there's not much out there), the Mets are going to need some solid pieces to support the Big 5 ... especially if they're planning to continue the Daniel Murphy Experiment at first base. But are the Wilpons going to continue to hide behind the Madoff losses? Are they going to use the excuse of injuries to say "well, we don't really need much because Reyes and Beltran will be back?"

And scarier still, are the Wilpons going to stop spending the way they did with Pedro and Beltran all together because now they have their shiny new ballpark? Will they continue to give us retreads like Freddy Garcia thinking that fans will continually flock to Citi Field for succulent cheeseburgers and mediocre baseball?

This offseason, which unfortunately I'm already thinking about, will answer all those questions. Those answers had better be the right ones.

And it would probably be better for all of us if those answers didn't include Jose Valentin batting sixth.

Nice Park

So wait, you mean Larry Jones isn't going to name his next child Blue Smoke Jones?

"It is the biggest park that I have ever played in in my life. It is a huge ballpark to center and right center and right field. You know, I actually feel sort of sorry for some of the guys out there because their power numbers are really going to take a hit; guys like David Wright , [Carlos] Beltran, [Carlos] Delgado. The days of them hitting 35, 40 homers -- they're over. I juiced the ball just right of center field as hard as the good Lord can let me hit a ball, and it hit midways up the center-field wall for a double," he said. "And every time there was a long fly out or a double that hit off the wall or something, David Wright would run by me and go, 'Nice park.'" -L. Jones

So this was the reason for the 800 foot valley in right field ... the Wilpons wanted to be sure to build a park that Jones couldn't kill them in. Ah, I see.

***

Any chance signability issues will cause Stephen Strasburg to drop to the 72nd slot? Yeah, I picked a bad season to hold a draft party. Oh well, more submarine sandwich and potato salad for me.

***

Hey, the WNBA season starts tomorrow, so you may already know this. But in case you don't:

The Phoenix Mercury have sold the naming rights on their uniforms to identity theft services company LifeLock Inc. — cementing what is believed to be the most lucrative sponsorship deal in the WNBA and opening the door for sports franchises to tap into a traditionally taboo revenue stream.

The Mercury name, pictured front and center on the uniform, will be replaced with the LifeLock insignia. A small Mercury patch will be stitched on the upper left portion of the uniform, across from an Adidas symbol on the right.

This is it ... the beginning of the end. And after the Bernie Madoff scandal, the Mercury may have given the Wilpons an idea:

Another reason not to slide: Dirt obstructs the view of potential sales. At least the jersey's not black..

Wistful

Just an ironic point, but don't you find it strange that there are more reminders of Shea Stadium in Larry Jones' house than there are in the Mets' house?

Here's hoping that hitting at his new home away from home, Citi Field, doesn't give Larry a reason to name his daughter "Shake Shack Jones"

Antiquation Domination

So I'm tooling around the internets and I come across this:

"The Mets have to de-stress their baseball lives. They have a beautiful new ballpark with a beautiful new clubhouse. This isn't Shea. In the old clubhouse, The Post and other local newspapers used to be placed on a table in the middle of the room.

Now the only daily paper present is USA Today, which is part of some of the subtle changes made."

Let me be the first to say "Bravo!" Because what better way to coddle our baseball professionals and squash the notion of free speech in New York City than to only have state-sponsored print newspapers available for the working players. It's brilliant, and it's obviously necessary. It's certainly a plan with no downside.

But why stop there? As long as we're eliminating antiquated media left and right, let's ban that telegraph machine from the clubhouse. Because heaven forbid Samuel Morse sends a message telling the boys that their batting average with runners in scoring position sucks. And those rapscallions with the megaphones? Put restraining orders on all of them ... get the local police force to take care of them.

I heard that the next plan of action to make sure the players are sufficiently insulated from the unfair outside world is to ban all Pony Express deliveries from the Jackie Robinson Rotunda. That's what the Bullpen Gate is for.

Friends, we can all rejoice in the fact that not only are we raising oblivious, sheltered, perspective challenged head cases professionals who can just worry about baseball without having to hear of the criticism they obviously don't deserve to hear, but we can now commence with our own free speech initiative against the Wilpons for their past, present, and future acts. After all, it can only be assumed that they have not received the news of a brand new invention called the personal computer. It really is all the rage.

You think Jeff Wilpon was placed in one of those little leagues where everybody received trophies and they didn't keep score?

Economically Stimulating

Life got ya down? Worried about mounting bills? The unemployment rate? The rising cost of attending sporting events?

The signing of Livan Hernandez?

Well there's good news on the horizon the economic stimulus package has been approved by our Congress. We all know that there are better ways to spend money than others. So before we all go willy-nilly on how to spend that small amount of extra money, I'm here to give some suggestions as to some prudent, and not so prudent ways to spend that extra money that comes into your pocket.

Ramon Castro
DO BUY: A giant head rest.
DON'T BUY: Real estate in New York City.

Mike Pelfrey
DO BUY: A subscription to Netflix.
DON'T BUY: A souped up golf cart.

Fred Wilpon
DO BUY: A lefty reliever.
DON'T BUY: "Ponzi Schemes, They're Not Just a Herman Edwards Blitz Package Anymore" by Bernie Madoff.

Ryan Church
DO BUY: An "I Love NY" t-shirt.
DON'T BUY: Driving lessons from Mike Pelfrey.

Freddy Garcia
DO BUY: Long term health insurance.
DON'T BUY: Hedgeclippers.

Frankie Rodriguez
DO BUY: More red tinted contact lenses.
DON'T BUY: Contact lenses that make you see three strike zones.

Oliver Perez
DO BUY: Something. Anything. It really doesn't matter. You can afford it now.
DON'T BUY: Anything that Rick Peterson might be selling.

Roberto Alomar
DO BUY: A good lawyer.
DON'T BUY: Jackie Chiles.

Brian Schneider
DO BUY: A better scriptwriter.
DON'T BUY: "Be an Offensive Force at the Catcher Position" by Charlie O' Brien

Jerry Manuel
DO BUY: Nextel Direct Connect for the bullpen staff.
DON'T BUY: Livan Hernandez's assertion that he can go one more inning. Speaking of ...

Livan Hernandez
DO BUY: Health and workout tips from Heath Bell.
DON'T BUY: Health and workout tips from his half-brother.

Luis Castillo
DO BUY: "Leading Off for Dummies" by Rickey Henderson
DON'T BUY: "Drawing an Inside Straight During a Playoff Game" by Rickey Henderson

Omar Minaya
DO BUY: Will Ohman
DON'T BUY: Oil Can Boyd (tempting as a 49-year-old may be)

America's Cuddly Villains

The world hates the Mets. Here's proof, from noted baseball sociologist Pat Gillick:

"If you want to know the best thing we had going for us this year, it was the fact that all the other teams in our division hated the Mets’ guts. It started with Atlanta and all the hostility they had with the Mets through the years. Then Fredi Gonzalez left Bobby Cox to manage the Marlins and he didn’t forget everything that went on between the Braves and Mets. Look what Florida did for us the past two years (beating the Mets two out of the three in each of the last series of the season to prevent them from making the postseason)! Washington doesn't like them very much either, and all those teams seemed to really get up for the Mets."

The NL East apparently has a hate list.

Where's my freaking royalties?

So what Pat is telling you is that Fredi Gonzalez, a third base coach, took some sort of Mets hatred from the Braves/Mets rivalry ... not really a rivalry at all since they've pounded the Mets through the years ... and brought it to the Marlins? They get up for the Mets because Fredi Gonzalez of all people hated the Mets?

Yeah, great logic. Hey, the Mets didn't do themselves any favors losing two of three to those guys two seasons in a row in the final series. But since the playoff participants are decided on the strength of teams' record throughout the season and not solely in September, let us blow a hole in Gillick's theory right now:

2008 record vs. the Marlins:
Mets: 10-8
Phillies: 8-10

But against the Phillies, I guess the Marlins were just going through the motions, right?

"Washington doesn’t like them very much either."

2008 record vs. the Nationals:
Mets: 12-6
Phillies: 12-6

Gasp! You mean the Nationals didn't get up to play against Philadelphia? Blasphemy! If the Nationals would get up to play against the Phillies like they do against the Mets, the Mets would have won the division?

Yeah. Here's the thing: By saying that, Gillick is unwittingly admitting that the Phillies aren't nearly as good a team as the Mets, but that the Phillies are in because eveyone hates the Mets. One problem: The former statement isn't true. The Phillies must be better than the Mets because they're preparing to play Game 2 of the World Freakin' Series. Meanwhile, the Shea Stadium scoreboard has come crashing to the outfield while the Mets roster isn't preparing for anything right now except their tee shot at hole one and ribbon cuttings at the new Shake Shack at Citi Field.

Hatred didn't fuel the Mets second collapse in a row, folks. Hatred didn't blow a four run lead to the Phillies in the ninth inning, or gave up a two run single to Steve Pearce, or got swept by the San Diego Padres in June. Nor did hatred give up back-to-back home runs to Wes Helms and Dan Uggla.

You know what did?

Here's a hint ... it's the bullpen, stupid!

I guarantee you that Jose Reyes was nowhere near the pitchers mound doing the Cha-cha, Merengue, or the Pasodoble when any of the above events happened.

I'll give you that the division hates the Mets. I've been saying that forever. That much was proven when the Braves, after a game where they almost got into a brawl with the Phillies, spent their postgame cooldown signing "Meet the Mets" after they blew a game in the final week against the Cubs. But if you're telling me that caused the Mets to lose the division, you're nuts. And if you're telling me that the Mets would spend one minute of time trying to figure out how to make the rest of the league like them instead of using that minute trying to figure out how to fix their bullpen, then you are wasting your minutes.

Forget trying to be nice to everyone: Because as long as America hates the Mets, it's time for the 2009 roster, however it's assembled, to stop being sweet and nice and say all the right things. And instead of taking its anger out on Jon Heyman, start taking its anger out on the rest of the division, since it's obviously scientific fact that hating human beings and organizations guarantees higher production and better performance.

Maybe the Mets should put bounties on players. Or maybe Fred Wilpon needs to go all Al Davis on the rest of the league and start having rambling news conferences with overhead projectors, reading verbatim some letter that Joe McIlvane wrote to him.

Anger Mismanagement

A lot of things bothered me about the Mets 14 inning, 10-8 loss to the Cardinals on Saturday.

Very few of these things happened on the field.

I mean, yeah the Mets left too many on the basepaths even though they scored eight runs ... and yeah, there were too many double switches in the sixth inning which I knew would come back and bite them if the game went into extra innings (which it did, with Country Time having to go two innings and Aaron Heilman having to go three, which against Albert Pujols is tempting fate waaaaaaaaaay too much.) But it doesn't get much more satisfying than Brandon Knight (The lost New Kid On The Block) bouncing back from a disastrous first inning to pitch five acceptable innings on the whole ... or more exciting than Carlos Delgado hitting two home runs (both of which were called by my Shea Stadium companion for the evening: "The Artist Formerly Known As Jinx" ... or more thrilling than Fernando Tatis jacking one to center field to tie the game in the ninth. I mean, the win would have been great, but I'm not going to waste my energy complaining about a game that probably would have ended 8-2 Cardinals if this was April or May.

No, I'm here to complain about what happened in the stands tonight. And please allow me to get right to the point:

You people who insist on standing at the bottom of the section having your friends take pictures of you while the game is going on in the background should never be allowed into a sporting event again.

Look, I know this is the last season of Shea Stadium. Fine. You want to preserve your memories. Fine. You want a picture of yourself in the House That Kranepool Built. Fine. But it's bad enough you stand at the entrance of the section between innings and block everyone from getting to the bathroom or the snack line before it fills up. Tonight, you took to standing at the entrance of the section while the play was going on and blocking our view of the game!

And believe me, I'm not writing this because of one bad apple ... or two, or three even. There were no less than 30 people who, either at the entrance of the section, or the top of the bar around row F which lied in between sections, had their pictures taken by their friends during play! DURING PLAY!

You know what's worse ... this wasn't happening from innings one to four while we're barely paying attention. This was happening in the fifth inning. The sixth! The seventh! This was happening in the BOTTOM OF THE NINTH INNING WITH THE SCORE TIED AT 8-8!!!

And not just one picture, mind you ... people were doing this in groups of seven or eight, one or two at a time! "Okay, let's take a picture with you on the right and me on the left ... all right, now switch places and let's take a picture this way ... all right now let's give the camera our bootylicious pose ..."

Let's get one thing straight, America: I DID NOT COME TO A BASEBALL GAME TO WATCH YOU PLAY AMERICA'S NEXT MEDIOCRE MODEL!!! SIT THE #$%& DOWN AND WATCH THE #$%&ING BASEBALL GAME THAT YOU, I, AND THE PEOPLE WHOSE VIEW YOU'RE BLOCKING PAID GOOD MONEY TO SEE!!!

I mean really, does anybody come to a baseball game to ... pray tell ... watch a damn baseball game anymore? I swear to you, during the bottom of the ninth while the family photoshoot was going on, there was a couple in the tunnel within eyeshot of the game making out. 8-8 in the ninth, and they're making out. What drove me insane was that when the ninth inning ended, the couple then left the tunnel and went back into the concourse like "oh, now it's safe to leave ... we won't miss anything." Unlike all the action they caught while they were playing tonsil hockey.

All right, I see that I need to lay down some new rules to live by. Here they are:

• If you came to a baseball game to get rip-roaring drunk, there are these hot new places that are especially made for you to do that. I don't know if you've heard of them, they're called bars. Check your local yellow pages for those.
• If you came to a baseball game to make out, you should know that for the money that the Mets are charging for tickets these days, you can probably take that money and get an hourly rate at the Lincoln Motor Inn. This way, you can make out in private and even grope each other if you'd like ... beds are much more comfortable than plastic seats. You can even use the television to have the Mets game on in the background. I say this as a public service.
• If you came to a baseball game to have family photo time while the game is going on so that you can capture the best of your family and the action of the ballgame at the same time ... there's a place for you too. Got a pen? Here goes: JCPenney! I'm sure if you ask, they'll key in a nice photo of Shea Stadium behind you. You could probably have JCPenney key in the Buckner play too so you can tell your friends you were there.
• And the most important rule to live by ... as always ... sit down and watch the game!!!

The sad part is this: While this was the first time I've noticed this run rampant ... it's only going to get worse as the games left at Shea count down until the end. And at the new field: With only season tickets and day of game tickets being sold at lord knows what price, this new contingent of spectator will only spread like wildfire. But this is what Fred Wilpon wants ... this is what Bud Selig wants ... this is what Roger Goodell wants ... this is what Woody Johnson wants with his PSL's that are designed to drive out the fan who chants for his team at key moments in the game, and bring in the spectator who chants when the scoreboard tells him to ("Everybody clap your hands!" Screw you and don't give me orders!!! I'll clap on my own time, thank you.)

And if this is who is going to be surrounding me at the ballpark or at the stadium or at the arena, then I will gladly take my ticket money and put it towards a 43" flat LCD screen and watch my sporting events from the comfort of my living room, while I'm blogging about the next thing that bothers me.

(Editor's note: My friend says I have anger management issues. I wonder if he figured that out when I was yelling at these people to sit down, or during the 11th inning when I yelled at Aaron Miles to go back to his treehouse and make me some cookies. I'm not sure.)

The Perfect Set

All right, in Omar I trust again.

The only question now is this: Do I trust the Wilpons?

Hmmmmmmm.

Forget next week's primaries. January 29th, 2008 will go down as a truly Super Tuesday, as the Mets have gotten their man. Finally, an ace pitcher in Johan Santana, acquired at the cut rate price of Carlos Gomez, Phil Humber, Kevin Mulvey, and Deolis Guerra. Look Ma, no Fernando Martinez!

Let me recite to you what a friend of mine (a frequent visitor to the comment section) said to me about the trade:

"What I am most happy about the trade is that for once the Mets did not bid against themselves. The 4 guys they put on the table stayed on the table. Omar did not panic even with the wolves baying at him to make a deal at any price. He wanted to keep Martinez and was succesful. When everyone laughed that the Mets offer was ridiculously puny compared to the Sox and Stinkees, he held his hand. He really played this one very well. Now Freddie Coupons has to pony up the dough."

I can't say it better myself, so I'm not going to try. Omar knew exactly what he was doing ... he wasn't going to bid against himself when the Red Sox and Yankee offers kept falling like the stock market. I admit, despite the fact that Omar's strategy was clear, I would have caved and thrown in the extra prospect to make sure the deal got done. But that's why Omar's the GM and I'm doing what I'm doing.

Now, you could say that it isn't really a stroke of genius to do what Omar did ... holding fast to a group of four prospects that fails to include the best one of all. Look, it really was the perfect storm that this happened. Yes, the Yankees and Red Sox got into a fit of restraint that helped the situation. But of course, the Yankee-lovin' media is running with this notion that the only reason the Mets were able to make this happen was because the Yankees let it happen ... again, we owe our lives to Big Brother From The Bronx. Had nothing to do with Johan wanting to come to Queens ... nah.

So let's calm down.

But whatever you believe, Omar did get the job done. Now all that is left is for the Wilpons to "pony up the dough" and put the spike in the sand on Omar's perfect set-up. When Misty May puts up a set, chances are that Kerri Walsh doesn't miss. All the Wilpons have to do is put this spike in the ground so that Johan Santana can come to Queens and strike out the likes of Misty May's husband. The sides, as of this moment, are far apart. But even Buster Olney says that the chances of this falling apart are "remote". So I'm going to resist the urge to be a curmudgeon and sleep well tonight ... knowing that by five o'clock tomorrow it will all be official, and Johan will be fitted in orange and blue.

It will be official, right?

Will There Be Donuts At This Meeting?

So Alex Rodriguez is going to Meet the Mets.

Perhaps he'll even Greet the Mets.

Will he bring his kiddies? Will he bring his wife? I can't guarantee he'll have the time of his life.

'Cause as a Met, he'd really sock the ball...perhaps knock some home runs over the wall.

But whether you're on the east side, or the west side, you should really consider coming down...to your senses. Because if you really think there's a chance that Alex Rodriguez is going to sign a free agent deal with the Mets, then you just don't know the Wilpons very well. C'mon...this is a team that once drew up a half-ast contract for Vladimir Guerrero when everyone else was scared off by his back issues, trying to sign him the same way John Spano tried to buy the Islanders.

This is a team that wouldn't overpay for Barry Zito, when Barry Zito was a necessity. You think this franchise is going to give a luxury like Alex Rodriguez more money than the gross national income of Equatorial Guinea to come to the Mets and move either their shortstop to second base (remember how well that worked out the last time) or their gold glove winning third baseman to parts unknown?

Look, I'm not saying that I don't want A-Rod. I'm also not saying that I do. There's a part of me that can do without that phony persona of his, and do without the circus that comes with him. But then again, there's a part of me that thinks 50 HR's and 125 RBI's in the middle of the Mets lineup is enough to make me overlook the A-Rod circus, so I frankly don't know what to think. That's what blowing a seven game September lead has done to my brain. I can't think in those kind of terms anymore. Notice I haven't put out a "how to fix the Mets" post here like I've done in the past. You know why? Because I have no flippin' idea! That's why.

For now, I'm leaving that stuff to Steve Phillips, who went on ESPN yesterday and said something like: "If the Dodgers go out and get Alex Rodriguez and Johan Santana, they'll have a good chance to win the World Series." Wow, no kidding??? What finishing school taught Steve Phillips that new theory of relativity which enabled him to go out on that far a limb to tell us that getting an MVP winner and a Cy Young winner in the prime of their careers will give you a good chance to win the World Series? Eureka!!!

(If I ever...EVER, sound that dumb, please come to my house and put polyurethane in my Dr. Pepper. You know who you are.)

But Steve Phillips is no longer employed by the Mets, so I suppose Alex Rodriguez can talk to the Mets without throwing a garbage can at the wall. Wonderful. Meet the Mets. But don't be surprised when after meeting him, they quickly say good-bye when that slip of paper Scott Boras slides to the other end of the table is about the size of the paper that held those candy buttons you ate when you were a kid, and you tried to eat them all while ingesting no more than the acceptable amount of stray paper that's allowed by the FDA.

So forgive me if I seem less than optimistic over the prospect of this meeting. Because it doesn't matter how I feel about an event that doesn't have a snowball's chance in Scott Boras' house...er, I mean, hell...of happening.

Barry Bling

I guess we'll just have to rotate one set of karma at a time.

The Mets finally have Armando Benitez's number. And after all that Met fans have been through with Blow-nitez, the Mets owning him is just right.

The Mets, if justice were to come all at once, would have Barry Zito's number already. And not because he took more money to sign with the Giants. Because it really doesn't matter that he chose the money and the short move over the immediate chance to win the pennant and World Series. That's his prerogative and I'm not going to begrudge him that.

But this nonsense that Zito came out with regarding the Mets being "arrogant", and spinning it to sound like that was a main factor in him signing with the Giants is so ridiculous that if it Barry was to do any more spinning I'd have to tie myself to the couch to keep from hitting the wall. Sure, I wanted the Mets to open the checkbook as much as anyone, but the Giants blew the Mets out of the water. And maybe the Mets were arrogant, although I thought that the Mets dragging their heels on the negotiations was a more deciding factor than any arrogance (and considering the performances of John Maine and Oliver Perez this season, turns out that Omar Minaya and the Wilpons had every right to be arrogant).

But the largest factor started with a 1 and ended with a 26...as in the number of millions in Barry's bank account after these seven seasons are up. For him to pretend that it's not reaks of some major hypocrisy on his part...and some major spin doctoring as well. He took the money, so bless his heart. Honestly, if I was left-handed and could pitch like Barry Zito, I don't know what I would do. What I hope that I wouldn't do is insult everyone's intelligence and make something like "arrogance" a factor more major than making enough money to add a movie theater or a regulation size hockey rink to the back of the house.

So in that respect, if karma was one hundred percent right this season, the Mets would have hit Barry Zito as hard as say, Zito's former teammates did when he faced them. Instead, Zito twirled seven scoreless as the Mets were shutout for the first time all year. Instead, karma will just have to come one step at a time. So we'll take solace in the fact that the Mets have the best record in the National League, and Zito's team is not only a game under .500, but still employs Armando Benitez...although you wouldn't know it from his conspicuous absence in a save situation tonight.

***

(Editor's note: "The Met Fan" booed Guillermo Mota upon his return, before he threw two scoreless innings tonight. Happy, Chris? Probably not.)