Misplaced Funny Funds

Wait, let me get this straight ... the Mets made money off the Madoff scandal?

And still never signed an extra bat???

I mean, there was extra money? I don't buy it. If there was extra money, then why did I get an e-mail from the Mets offering a chance to win Dunkin' Donuts coffee for a year ... an e-mail which had absolutely no connection to the Mets whatsoever. Nice. If I wanted offers from Dunkin' Donuts, don't you think I would have subscribed to the Dunkin Donuts' e-mail list???

You can tell me that it wasn't just the Mets that did this. I got the same e-mail from the Cubs ... yeah, the team that filed for bankruptcy!

So all that money sat there doing nothing but collecting interest? F***ing Wilpons. Give it to someone who can actually use $47.8 million.

Like Steve Phillips! Hey, that should cover alimony for a couple of months.

I think I've blown a funny fuse on this. I feel like I'm Cartman in the episode of South Park where he had Kenny take the school picture upside down where you could see his buttocks instead of his face ... and then he took the picture and put it on a milk carton only to have two people come looking for him because they too have "buttocks where their heads should be".

Maybe I feel remorse ... although certainly not for Phillips, who put himself in this mess. More so for the family, in this mess through no fault of their own, who now have to deal with the details of all this get into the papers and thrust into the spotlight where they don't deserve to be. Maybe I indeed just blew a funny fuse. In either event, I hesitate to make light of this. It's too easy to cross the line from justifiable ripping to unnecessary piling on. Besides ... all the really funny stuff seems to have been already written, which would make me a plagiarist.

But in reality, he deserves to be ripped. It shouldn't surprise you that Phillips exhibits horrible judgement ... between trading for Mo Vaughn, discussing a David Wright trade, and unnecessarily ripping Carlos Beltran when standard op procedure on Sunday Night Baseball is to kiss everybody's butt, not to mention his first "fling" with infidelity. But this ... THIS!

...

Nah, that David Wright idea was still the worst.

Okay, now that the obligatory tongue-in-cheek portion of this monstrosity is over, check out Howard Megdal's take at NY Baseball Digest for a great take on the Phillips thing. I couldn't have put it any better.

Process

Hey, look at the ballee.

All right, so it's not exactly Jose Reyes stealing home like he wanted to ... and I'm sure he would have liked to pull it off while the league was wearing Jackie Robinson's 42 (I hear that later in the homestand the Mets are holding Mo Vaughn night ... and Kevin Appier is throwing out the first pitch), but being the second runner to score on one wild pitch is something I would consider "close enough". It's sure as hell rarer than stealing home.

Tonight had to be some sort of rarity, where five Met runs scored on either wild pitches, sac flies, or double plays (is it me or is Gary Sheffield having a hell of a time getting around on a breaking ball much less a fastball?) You might consider the Mets 7-2 win an ugly victory. I on the other hand ...

No, that was pretty ugly. But it still counts.

The ugly part, in actuality, was all the attention on the continuing outfield adventures of Daniel Murphy. First, a runner tags from first on a fly ball to Murph ... a smart play by Scott Hairston knowing who was in the field. Then, going to third on the Murphy throw that handcuffed David Wright. And at this point you're probably thinking "oh great, every SNY camera is going to be trained on him for the rest of the night."

And then you realize: "S**t, the game is on ESPN too." Poor Murph.

Throw in the first Padre run, a single to left which an outfielder would have had a real chance to throw out Luis Rodriguez at the plate. An infielder in outfielder's clothing? Eh, not so much, as he threw the ball like he was holding second on a double play. As the kids like to say: "It's a process." But that doesn't mean that Daniel Murphy's defense isn't going to be scrutinized from now until the end of time (or until he robs Scott Rolen of a home run in the NLCS and turns it into a double play.) Welcome to your life, Danny Murphy.


Hopefully the process is coming to an end for Oliver Perez, who turned in a quality start on Wednesday against an opponent not named Phillies, Yankees, or Braves. Imagine that. Guess Dan Warthen's 'round the clock supervision is finally paying some dividends for Ollie. Or perhaps there's a Shake Shack burger on the top of every staircase in Kitti Field to entice Ollie to get his running in. Whatever works.

(Stupid World Baseball Classic.)

Food For Thought

From the inside of the flight up to New York from Florida:

Ramon Castro: Psst ... Ollie.

Oliver Perez: Zzzzzzzzzzzz.

RC: Ollie, wake up!

OP: Wh, wha ... what?

RC: Dude, tomorrow night man.

OP: What about it?

RC: We're going to have a game in the new park tomorrow.

OP: I know. You woke me up to tell me that?

RC: We're not in the lineup tomorrow. You know what that means?

OP: No pray tell, what?

RC: We can sneak off to Shake Shack and have some burgers.

OP: Have you lost your mind?

RC: No no. We have to sample all the food.

OP: I'm going back to sleep.

RC: But I can't sleep. I can't sleep without thinking about all the food options I've been reading about. C'mon Ollie. You and me.

OP: No way Fluff, no way. I'm not sneaking with you anywhere. Warthen basically called me a fat bastard in public, and if I sneak off to Shake Shack and get caught I'm going to be hung. I need to stay in shape.

RC: C'mon, Ollie. Haven't you heard? The food is like, phenomenal! We've gotta score some.

OP: You're obsessed.

RC: Ollie! Pulled pork sliders.

OP: Stop it.

RC: French fries in bacon sauce.

OP: Please stop.

RC: Piiiiiiiizzaaaaaaaaa. From a real brick oven.

OP: I'm going back to sleep before you make me crazy.

RC: C'mon dude! Berry parfaits! What's more baseball than berry parfaits???

OP: Lord, deliver me from temptation.

RC: "BUY ME SOME PEANUTS AND BERRY PARFAITS!"

OP: Shut up.

RC: Oliver! You don't understand! We're not in Shea anymore. Gone are the days of dirty water dogs and messy sausage and peppers. This is the big leagues of food, dude! Everyone loves this stuff. Mac and Cheese! Steak Tacos! Cannollis!!! Ollie ... Cannollis!!! And we won't have to pay the seven bucks for a slice of pizza because we're Mets! We're Mets!!!

OP: Fluff, I'd kill you except you'll probably die from the hundreds of pork sliders you're going to eat in one sitting.

RC: Mo Vaughn would have loved this.

OP: I hear Mo Vaughn is going to throw out the first sushi roll tomorrow.

RC: And I'm going to catch it ... and eat it! Because all these food options are going to make us the best team in baseball!

OP: No, it's going to make us the fattest team in baseball.

RC: You don't know that. We exercise and stuff. You want to run with me?

OP: That's my line.

RC: C'mon! I'll race you down the aisle. First one to the flight attendant wins.

OP: Stop it.

"Ladies and gentlemen we've turned on the fasten seat belts sign for our final descent into JFK airport."

OP: See, now I lost a chance to sleep. Thanks a lot, Fluff. Fluff?

RC: Zzzzzzzzz. Shaaaaaaaaaaake Shaaaaaaaaaaack. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

OP: Jackass.

(If you're going to the game today and get a chance to sample the food, your friendly neighborhood blogger would love and appreciate some of your reviews in advance of his trip there on Saturday. Leave 'em here. And enjoy the game.)

Pitcher Grand Slams Are So Four Months Ago

So much for the "Cubs have nothing to play for theory". Yeah, I loved when people asked me "Hey, the Cubs have nothing to play for so that should help the Mets, right?" Oh yeah, except that these are the same Mets who lost the last four out of six to the Braves ... who also had nothing to play for except jamming it down our necks. And the Cubs at half speed are better than these Braves at full speed. The Mets speed? Think Mo Vaughn running through 100 yards of marshmallow fluff.

The same marshmallow fluff that Jon Niese threw to Jason Marquis for his grand slam, which helped crushed the Mets tonight in the first day of the rest of your life. So let me get this straight: This is the Cubs team the Mets are supposed to beat in the first round? The team that has nothing to play for?

That's all right ... Because the way they're going, soon the Mets will have nothing to play for too.

(Editor's note: "Choke" opens in theatres this Friday. Apparently, they made a movie about 2007. Lucky for them the sequel's being written as we speak.)

Angel Pagan: A Metaphor For Life

You probably saw the news that the Mets have re-acquired Angel Pagan from the Cubs for two minor leaguers.

Angel Pagan is not only an inaugural Brooklyn Cyclone, but he possesses the greatest name in the history of professional sports. It is a name that represents the constant struggle ... the dichotomy, if you will, that Met fans live with every day.

"In Omar we trust!"

"Fire Omar!"

"Stop with the Omar bashing!"

"Make a trade!"

"Keep the kids!"

"Spend money!"

"Don't be like the Yankees!"

Angel Pagan, you see, represents the inner battle in all of us. Do we awash in the spoils of youth, or do we subscribe to the theory that is it better to be old and wise than young and stupid? Are we penny (Matt) wise? Or are we pound (Mo Vaughn) foolish? Are we angels? Are we pagans? Angel Pagan arrives to show us to embrace both sides our our Met fan being ... embrace the dichotomy, and show love for every side of the argument whether it be optimistic, or pessimistic. And to remember that sometimes, it's okay to be both. It's okay to want everyone fired and want stability at the same time. It's okay to believe in the kids and to want to gut the farm. Sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you don't. And that's ... okay.

So in your travels, when you can't decide whether to throw your support behind Omar's latest trade or Willie's latest double switch, or whether to cover yourself in Crisco and picket outside of Shea Stadium with a blow torch, look to Angel Pagan ... and know that it's okay to find that gray area that's in all of us.

I Wonder How Mike Piazza Feels...

No, this isn't going to be a cry of vindication. I'll leave that to Jose Canseco.

And this isn't going to be a campaign to reverse the outcome of the 2000 World Series. Because then people in Houston will want '86 back. And people in Phoenix will want '99 back. And somebody who struck out against Josias Manzanillo and watched him run off the mound jumping and cavorting like a school girl will want that back. Those are memories I refuse to believe are tainted.

And no, I'm not starting the "Ban Roger Clemens From The Hall" movement. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Performance enhancers are not a Barry Bonds problem, and they're not a Roger Clemens problem. They are a baseball problem. Asterisks and banishment from baseball's Hall of Fame shift the blame on to the individual players, and it minimizes baseball's role in the so-called "steroids-era". The sport should be culpable most of all.

But I wonder: At this hour...at this very moment...with all of the history that Piazza has had with Clemens, the beaning in July of 2000, and the infamous bat throwing incident in that season's World Series...I wonder just what Mike Piazza is thinking at this hour. I wonder if he's thinking that he might have gotten out of the way of that pitch if it was just a little bit slower...which it might have been if Clemens was clean. Or is Piazza thinking that Clemens might not have thrown that bat if he wasn't on whatever he was on?

Those are some thoughts I'd pay a penny for.

***

In terms of the Mets that were involved, considering that it was a Mets clubbie that provided a lot of the information, the wreckage really isn't too bad in terms of the star quality of the players tagged in the report. The biggest one was probably Lenny Dykstra. The Mitchell Report talks of Dykstra's involvement in the early nineties. But anybody who was around in 1988 and saw the instant 20 pounds of muscle he had put on that winter because he wanted to be a power hitter had to have been thinking something wasn't quite natural there.

Todd Hundley? Nobody was going to say it and smear his name without any provocation. But the circumstancial evidence was all over the place. Forget the fact that he hit 41 home runs in '96 after hitting 15 the season before. But all of a sudden, he plays 153 games? He was a pinch hitter in 10 of those games, but continued as a catcher in seven of those. So there were 150 games when he put on the catcher's gear in 1996. Who does this?

And about this theory that the Mets stonewalled Lo Duca because of advance knowledge of this report? I don't buy it. There was knowledge of Lo Duca's use for years. Just check the report. The Dodgers knew:

"Steroids aren't being used anymore on him. Big part of this. Might have some value to trade . . . Florida might have interest. Got off the steroids . . . Took away a lot of hard line drives. Can get comparable value back would consider trading. If you do trade him, will get back on the stuff and try to show you he can have a good year. That’s his makeup. Comes to play. Last year of contract, playing for 05."

If the Dodgers knew, I'd bet money that other teams knew ... way back when. And if I were to bet money, I sure as hell wouldn't write a check! So no, I think this was common knowledge among the baseball community years ago, before the Mets even traded for him.

Mo Vaughn? With the injury problems he's had with his knee, we shouldn't be surprised either. I was surprised, because I myself thought the only thing he was injecting was jelly doughnuts, but that's just me.

But honestly, nobody should be surprised. Because as flimsy as you might want to say this Mitchell report is, he got the bottom line absolutely 100% right: Baseball and its union were slow on the upkeep on this. Everybody was. Athletes will always find a way to get a competitive edge, and always will. The governing bodies have to be the ones to restore order ... you can't trust 100% of a group that includes 750 major leaguers and many more minor leaguers to police themselves and be on the up and up. They're everybody's heroes, but they're athletes who not only want to win, but also represent a cross-section of life. Many different personality types will react to life's questions in many different ways. These decisions must be made for them by the high priests of America's pastime. In the past, those decisions were just to let performance enhancing happen, and look where we are.

(Metstradamus packs up his soapbox and walks away. And...scene.)

This Date In Met Infamy

Mark at Mets Walkoffs has put together a comprehensive list of the worst Mets relievers of all time. If you're into self torture, and a bed of hot coals isn't readily available, then use the memories evoked by Mark's well done piece.

The one reliever that Mark didn't mention, yet is a charter member of the Metstradamus Hall of Hate, is Donne Wall. Wall had an unspectacular and undistinguished Met career...0-4 with a 4.85 ERA in 42 and 2/3 innings pitched as a Met in 2001, after being traded here for Bubba Trammell.

But four years ago to this very day is the day that will live in infamy for Donne Wall, Metstradamus, and even Lenny Harris. And although I was going to save this until the off-season, the stars have aligned for me to tell this tale of horror from exactly four years ago.

It was August 23rd, 2001. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but I actually acquired some primo seats right behind third base for the Rockies/Mets matchup. The Mets went in at 58-68, and the Rockies a bit worse at 53-72 (which is probably how my seats were so good.) I was with my friend the jinx, my brother, and a friend of my brother's who laughed at everything I said or did that night (morphine is wonderful, isn't it?)

It hasn't been just this season...the Mets have always been prone to laying big rotten eggs against rookie pitchers. This night was no different, as Jason Jennings made his major league debut against a lineup that included such luminaries as Desi Relaford, Tsuyoshi Shinjo, and Mark Johnson (decomposition row).

This game started ugly (3 Rockie runs in the first), and went downhill from there off of Mets starter Glendon Rusch. Jennings, meanwhile, mowed down Mets hitters as if they were policemen in "Grand Theft Auto". There was no answer for him.

Now a Mets game that's pretty much over from the start, and me in a good seat, is a dangerous combination. And as the game reached the bottom of the seventh with the score 8-0 Colorado and Jennings, the pitcher in his first ever game, with two hits already, I let loose with a fury unmatched by all who have sat in that seat before. A whole season's worth of frustration was coming out of my mouth. Then Bobby Valentine made the one move that could have possibly made things worse.

He brought in Donne Wall.

Wall came to the Mets in a December 11th, 2000 deal for Bubba Trammell, who was a useful spare part for the 2000 National League champs. Wall came to New York and pitched with the intensity and urgency of a Yankee Stadium chicken finger vendor. But all of his past sins and transgressions in a Met uniform were topped by what followed in the top of the ninth inning.

After Wall gave up a run in the eighth, he faced Jennings, who was en route to shutting out decomposition row, in the ninth. Now Jennings has turned out to be a pretty good hitting pitcher (.257 lifetime entering this season) but none of us knew that then. Jennings got his third hit of the night, a deep HR into the right field bullpen for the cherry on top of the sundae of death, and a 10-0 Rockie lead. I let loose with a barrage of heckles aimed at Wall, including one that I borrowed from a local writer:

"Hey Donne! Is that why they call you Donne 'over the' Wall?"

My brother lost it.

The jinx lost it.

My brother's friend had to be carried off to the looney bin.

My wife swears she heard me on television.

But here's the kicker...Mets third baseman Lenny Harris almost lost it. He was seen covering his mouth with his glove in laughter. So what else could I do?

I let Lenny Harris have it.

"Hey Pork Chop! What are you laughing at!!! That's not setting a good example for your teammates, laughing at them like that!"

Then I went below the belt, and told him that he and Michael Jackson both wore a glove for no apparent reason.

What else could I do?

After going back and pounding Wall for five minutes more after that, the game was mercifully over...a 10-0 Rockie win, and a performance that landed Wall into the Hall...the Hall of Hate.

Postscript:

Immediately following that game, the Mets vaulted themselves back into contention (perhaps spurred on by my heckling), going on a 21-5 run which included an emotional win against the Braves in the first New York regular season sporting event since the 9/11 attacks. But then they hit a wall (no pun intended) in the last nine games, including the infamous Brian Jordan grand slam off of John Franco which was pretty much the last straw for the season. The Mets finished 2001 at 82-80.

The following season, after being granted free agency by the Mets, Donne Wall pitched in 17 games and had a 6.43 ERA for the World Champion Anaheim Angels (proof that like crying, there is also no justice in baseball.)

Harris, along with the Mets starting pitcher that night, Glendon Rusch, were part of a large three team trade that winter...and oddly enough the Colorado Rockies were involved. Harris and Rusch went to Milwaukee, Todd Zeile and Benny Agbayani went to the Rockies, and in return the Mets received six players from the Rockies and the Brewers...and none of them were named Jason Jennings. Harris moved from the Brewers to the Cubs in 2003, and then late in 2003 was traded to the Florida Marlins, where not only did he help defeat the Cubs in the 2003 NLCS, but like Wall, won himself a ring with Florida in 2003.
After three stints at the mental health clinic for a condition termed as "fan fatigue", Metstradamus went on to heckle such luminaries as Mark Loretta, Mo Vaughn, and Ken Griffey Jr. before taking the advice of his therapist and starting a blog from the comfort of his own home as a "healthy alternative" to heckling.

Metstradamus, unlike Wall and Harris, has not yet won a World Series ring.