For People Who Communicate Not Good

"But I am throwing my fastball." -John Maine to Dan Warthen during a trip to the mound on Sunday night.

Not that I necessarily trust the lip reading skills of Joe Morgan, but ...

Uh-oh.

And not for nothing, if there was ever a time to cover your mouth with your glove when you speak, that would have been it, no?

It's never a good thing when you have a Brewster's Millions moment on the mound where the pitcher throws his fastball and the announcer calls it a changeup, along with everyone on both benches. It sure isn't a good thing if your pitching coach thinks you're throwing a change-up. And you know what's really scary? Not only is it my second Brewster's Millions reference regarding that particular scene, but I'm not even the first person to make a John Maine/Brewster's Millions connection this week!

Yeah, uh-oh.

That Maine actually got through the fourth inning scoreless was something of a feat, much like the feat that Mets pitchers pulled off this weekend of minimizing Albert Pujols' damage. Think about this for a second: Pujols was 2-for-14 this weekend with four walks. And the Mets dropped two out of three. That's like getting Shakira's phone number and transposing two of the digits while putting it in your cell.

But the fifth inning was Maine's undoing as a walk, single and Colby Rasmus' three run dinger put Maine out to pasture. And once Adam Wainwright found his groove against a lineup that featured Frank Catalanotto in the clean-up spot, you knew it was over. You weren't sure whether it would take 8 and a half innings via a Ryan Ludwick home run, or 24 innings after Blake Hawksworth no-hits them for nine innings after Tony La Russa says he's not available, but eventually the Mets were going to be toast. That I was happy the game wrapped up promptly so that I could catch the Sharks/Avalanche game is a distressing sign on my part.

In a related story, the lineup probably isn't going to feature Catalanotto in the clean-up spot much longer as the club is doing the deed and bringing up Ike Davis. Something tells me that the Mets actually wanted to keep Davis down and let him dominate AAA for a little while longer. But that the sorry state of first base combined with the desperation of the front office and coaching staff to keep their jobs has expedited the process. I'll admit it. The recent rushing of prospects has made me gun shy about bringing these guys up too soon. But at least Davis is a college product and he's 23. And by all accounts he's projected in that "very good to special" category. I hate that Chris Carter is never going to get a chance with the Mets, which means that the Billy Wagner trade is now officially botched forever dooming Carter to Val Pascucci status unless they can now find a trade partner for him. But if Ike Davis is ready, then this is the move to make ... even if it is for the wrong reasons.

If ... he's ready.

Ike Davis: "The Stimulus"

Now as long as Davis isn't brought up to fall victim to a straight platoon with Fernando Tatis or a Snoop Manuel quadruple switch, he'll be fine.

Put That In Your Notebook

It would be easy to blame this on Daniel Murphy.

It would be really easy to blame this on Daniel Murphy.

You know what? I blame Daniel Murphy.

The ball down the line that started the Braves winning rally in the ninth off of Frankie? He's gotta dive. And the last ball that he booted after the game was tied? He can't play that like a damn bullfighter. Ole!

Not to mention that with a chance to put the serious screws on Derek Lowe in the second inning with the bases loaded and two outs, Murph spit the bit and grounded out. That's been a team-wide epidemic all season long (aren't they batting about .205 in that situation?) But tonight was a bad night to have every single calamity befall the man that people have been demanding I lay off. Can't do it tonight. Sorry.

But I have to say this, and this is why our fearless manager drives me nuts: He's wondering after the game why Murphy didn't get in front of that ball. Here's a clue, maybe he's not being coached correctly? You mean to tell me that you didn't know that this would be on the job training with Murphy? Seriously? Especially with the season having been down the tubes since July?

Oh I'm sorry, I forgot we're still trying to win games. That's why we needed to see Ken Takahashi in the fourth inning when Bobby Parnell was facing a tough situation after only 83 pitches. Yeah, let's pull Parnell from the rotation with two weeks to go and send him to the bullpen where he can rot for a week, and then pitch two innings every day the final week of the season for no good reason. Then we can trade Parnell and Murphy for a swine-flu infested towel now when their value hits rock bottom. All so that Snoop Manuel can win 70 games instead of 65. That's like writing a hundred page extra credit paper on the pros and cons of techno vs. hip hop music at parties after you've already failed the damn class. A blind man has a better chance of finding a chocolate chip in a silo full of marshmallow fluff than Snoop has of getting anything positive out of this team with his inconsistent messages and goals.

Actually, I'll take inconsistent at this point ... I don't even know what the message is. Joe Morgan must know, since he was saying how he noticed that this team doesn't give up on Sunday. Add Wednesday to the list of games we can send to Morgan on DVD to watch since we know he spends his off time watching golf and the NBA Finals rather than the sport he allegedly covers.

Point being, tonight makes Murphy look bad. This whole season has made Manuel look bad ... injuries or not. He can throw Murphy under the bus all he wants (despite saying he would "rather get the message across in more discreet ways rather than "show up" the player" ... while we're on the subject of inconsistent messages). He can blame the players for their bad baserunning. But when it's been happening all season long, I point the finger to the gangster in charge.

Grit, It's Not Just For Kissin' Anymore

While watching the Mets on ESPN might be about as frustrating as watching Oliver Perez pitch, it reminds me how thankful I am that Steve Phillips is no longer the Mets GM.

I have to admit I missed the first part of his diatribe during Sunday night's loss to Matt Cain and the Giants, but basically it ended something like this (paraphrasing):

"If the Mets lose again this season, they have to think about breaking up the core. I believe David Wright is part of the solution, and I believe Jose Reyes is part of the solution. If I were the GM of the Mets, I'd take a look at the $17 million contract of Carlos Beltran."

Okay, for those of you who became fans in 2006, let me give you a lesson in recent history. You see, Steve Phillips was the GM of the Mets. And while he was the GM of the Mets, he allegedly offered Jose Reyes to Cleveland for Robby Alomar, and also allegedly offered David Wright to Toronto for Jose Cruz Jr. So of course he would think about trading Beltran. He couldn't trade the other two when he had the chance.

But yeah, Phillips would trade Beltran for Mo Vaughn because his 1.066 OPS is "part of the problem". But why? (Again, paraphrasing from Sunday Night Baseball):

"I just think this team needs more grit."

YES! GRIT! I have Carlos Beltran, I'll trade it for five of what you call ... Eckstein. Yes, let's do that.

If somebody can come up with a good reason to dip into the core, I'm all ears. I've heard multiple people tell me that maybe the solution is to trade Reyes. I'm not ready to agree with that, but I've heard semi-decent reasons ... at least better reasons than "this team needs more grit." Beltran may have his issues, but lack of grit isn't one of them. I take you back to a September night in Houston where Carlos Beltran risked life and limb to save a meaningless game by crashing into the wall and leading with his knees. Prudent? Probably not. But gritty? If David Eckstein had done it he would have been nominated for seventeen ESPY's.

Let's review, trading stars for the intangible idea of "grit" for the sole reason of being gritty without a real, honest plan (like trading a sulking Nomar for defense in the form of Orlando Cabrera and Doug Mientkiewicz, because I know someone will bring that up) is ... stupid. You get grit to complement your stars, not instead of them.

Grit without great is bread crust. I can't live on bread crust.

But the worst part of all of this is not that Phillips suggested this ... and not that he suggested this for dopey reasons. No, the worst part is that Joe Morgan subsequently disagreed with Phillips about Beltran, and I was rooting for Morgan. I was on the same side as Joe Morgan in an argument ... and I'm not sure that's a shame I can ever recover from. My IQ fell so far south at that point that I wanted to slit my own wrists but was so incapacitated that I tried to do it with my cell phone.

But then Morgan said that when a pitcher doesn't strike out batters, a lot of contact is made. Then I felt much better.

I'll never forgive you for this, Steve Phillips.

Feelin' Kinda Sunday

Whoa, that was some nightmare I had ... Freddy Garcia was a Met and Steve Phillips replaced Peter Gammons on Sunday Night Baseball. It had to be a nightmare, because Freddy Garcia isn't even a Met.

Oh no.

Well, at least I don't have to deal with Joe Morgan and Steve Phillips on Sund ...

Oh F%&K!

Small Miracles

I gotta be honest with all of you: I fully expected the Mets to lose this game tonight ... the pitching matchup didn't seem to be in the Mets favor, and it's just like the Mets to follow up a stirring win with a heartbreaking loss. But these two games against the Yankees ... especially an 11-2 win in the second and final game of this series, goes to prove how maddening this team could be.

That not only a team, but a pitcher like Ollie Perez can be capable of what he did tonight, could be the same team and pitcher capable of a whole bunch of stinkers like the ones they put forth this season is positively looney. I look for things in this team ... patterns ... they like this, they don't like that ... it's mid-May and I can't figure them out to save my life.

I certainly didn't think they would win after the fourth inning when the three blind mice (meaning the three umps not named Reilly) reversed Carlos Delgado's home run call into a foul ball ... the three umps that were in worse position than the one that actually made the right call.

I've seen games like this before: Mets have a chance to win/sweep series, Mets go on a roll in final game, Mets get screwed by a bad call, Mets use that as an excuse go in the tank, Team B wins. Inevitable. And when Hideki Matsui (I don't ever want to see him get an official at bat in a big spot ever again) hit that fourth inning home run to close the gap to 4-2, my doom fearing mind saw that "Yankees 5 Mets 4" final that of course was going to turn that Delgado home run ball with the black scuff mark on it into the most famous scuffed baseball since Mike Scott roamed these parts.

(Side note: For those who think that instant replay would slow the game down: In the time it took for the umpires to huddle and screw the call up, for Willie Randolph to argue the call, for Jerry Manuel to argue the call some more and get kicked out, somebody down the third base line with a video monitor could have watched the damn play, signaled home run, and we all would have been on our merry way at 6-0. Besides, if baseball was truly worried about slowing the game down, there would be pictures of Steve Trachsel at every ballpark with a red line through his face reading "Do Not Admit" underneath.)

But a remarkable thing happened: The Mets hit. And hit some more. And hit even more. Ryan Church went to the right of the black seats. They batted around in the eighth. Jose Reyes went yard again. And for a brief time, the Mets we all knew and loved ... and so desperately want to love again ... came back to us. They knocked at our door, flowers in hand (or was that the head of Ross Ohlendorf) and implored upon us not to give up on them.

And since we're suckers for gifts (like when your cat gives you a dead bird), we invite them in for coffee. Heck, what else are we going to do?

Speaking of cats and dead birds, there are certain times when I wish for a cat to take it's claws and puncture my eardrums out. Watching Sunday Night Baseball is one of those times. For fear of going all Fire Joe Morgan on you, this is for those of you who attended the game: I swear our friend Joe Morgan uttered this exact phrase during an iso replay of Jose Reyes' home run:

"You know what I like about that? He ran around the bases. He hit it, and he proceeded to go around the bases."

Yeah, I hate when batters decide to stop at first base after a home run and wave the hot dog vendor over. Bud Selig oughta invent a rule against that when he's not so busy not implementing instant replay.

(Editor's note: This was followed by some nonsense about how Derek Jeter is like a fullback and Jose Reyes is a halfback and they both must know how to dance because they're shortstops ... and Morgan remembering a Shea Stadium/Yankee Stadium doubleheader last year where the second game was rained out ... except it was two years ago and it was the playoffs so the Mets and Yankees weren't even playing each other.)

I really have to turn the sound down on these Sunday Night games and blast my iPod. The song lyrics have a better chance of matching up with the play on the field.

Great Mysteries Of Life

So my brother calls me after the top of the seventh inning to inquire as to whether Carlos Beltran's at-bats were sponsored by Gorilla Glue.

If they are, my guess is that nobody would know ... since the advertisement would be placed on the very spot on the shoulder of the jersey where Carlos keeps his bat against pitchers like J.C. Romero.

So when Carlos was up with two outs in the ninth inning and the tying run two bases away, the stage was set for Beltran to make Brad Lidge look like Adam Wainwright, or to give him a Scott Podsednik flashback.

The very fact that he swung the bat is a moral victory. The fact that he made good contact turned out to be the great tease as Eric Bruntlett ... the same Eric Bruntlett that made a mess of himself last week at Shea Stadium, saved the day with a brilliant stab up the middle and drove a stake through our hearts as the Phillies hung on to prevent a sweep, 5-4.

Four out of six wins against Philadelphia is nothing to sneeze at. But it still doesn't explain why Adam Eaton makes the Mets sit and stay on command. It's become one of life's great mysteries along with such classics as "Why are we here?" " Is there life in outer space?" "Where do we go when we die?" And "If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?"

Or: "Is this game going to continue the long line of games where the Mets have an opportunity to step on a team's throats, with a seemingly hittable pitcher on the mound (except for us, apparently) only to wither and die (remember Tyler Clippard?)"

Or maybe: Why would Willie Randolph put Luis Castillo back in the two hole when Ryan Church has been working out just fine lately?" I mean, I'm all for Luis Castillo. But when it ain't broke, don't fix it, right?

(You can weigh in on that in my completely tongue in cheek poll.)

Or even this: "Why I don't just turn the sound down on my television while a Met game is on ESPN?" Joe Morgan, who does like what ... one, two games a week, doesn't have time to research why Mike Pelfrey wears a mouthpiece? And they're on ESPN in New York again tomorrow? What exactly have I done to my television to deserve this retribution from it?

(The game's on SNY as well, right? Or is my channel guide just playing with my head?)

That one's too hard for me. I'll stick to easy ones like: "Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?"

The Final Test, And The First Test

I laughed as I watched Chris Russo today, as he was talking about how Friday night was the final test for Oliver Perez...apparently he's been predicting Perez's demise all season long, but Ollie would not oblige. Tonight, Russo said, was Oliver's final test.

Grade: A

Russo also said during an earlier show that Joe Smith had to show him something...how even though he hadn't given up a run all season, he still had to show Russo something in the eighth inning, even though the eighth inning wasn't his domain. Unfortunately, Smith gave up a grand slam to J.J. Hardy that day. But on Friday, the Subway Series, Smith came in and struck out Derek "history will show that I got two hits in every single one of my at-bats" Jeter to finish off the eighth inning.

Grade: A

Oliver, after tonight, has earned the benefit of the doubt. From Russo...from me...from everyone. He's earned the right not to have certain bloggers put up snarky "missing posters" with one bad start. He doesn't have to do any more. Of course we don't want him to have another 24 walk night. But if he does, I'm not going to worry because he'll most likely bounce back in the next start. And because with the most chips on the line, he's come up huge. First in Game 7 last season, and now Friday night...both nights with the crowd at its most electric...Oliver has come through with flying colors.

As for Mighty Joe, when you're done wondering why Aaron Heilman wasn't summoned for the eighth inning, take some time to wonder when Joe Smith is going to see more eighth innings. It's going to happen at some point, either when Heilman gets wheeled at the trade deadline, or next season after Smith shows over a full season that he can handle the pressure of a tight spot. Today was his greatest test...D.F.J. at the plate with a one run lead, in a situation where you know Jeter is going to get a hit...only, he didn't. All D.F.J. had was a smirk on his face for the home plate umpire which said "How dare you call that against me? Don't you know I'm Derek Jeter and the women think I'm dreamy?"

Then there's Endy Chavez, his throw from left which nailed Johnny Damon stretching to second for the first out of the game, and his home run which provided the difference against Andy Pettitte. Can we get this guy a breakfast cereal?

Seriously, if we can't get him on the all-star team, I think he deserves his own breakfast cereal. It's the least we can do to show proper appreciation. But can we put marshmallows in it? I love marshmallows.

And were you scared when Hideki Matsui was called safe on what could have been the last out of the game? Not because he was really out (tie does go to the runner), but because plays like that are usually followed by a 600 foot bomb. I was concerned...all right I was shaking in my boots. If these were the Yankees of the late nineties, it would have happened. Now? Not so much.

Game two is Saturday (later today), and I don't have a good feeling. Not because of any inside information or such, but because watching a Met game on FOX feels like watching a Met game on YES. Bad karma. I'll feel better on Sunday...not only because ESPN just feels better than FOX, but because I'm not even going to watch ESPN. I'll instead be at Shea, meaning the most insightful commentary I'll hear is when my brother asks me to buy him another beer...and I'll take that over Joe Morgan any day of the week.