Opening Day Planner

Wake up, it's here.

The countdown is in its last few hours. The day is upon us. The opener.

Hey shouldn't you be getting ready for the game? I mean, you're going...right? What in the world are you doing reading this? Words of wisdom?

All right, I have words of wisdom for you. It's opening day and you're expecting something smart, witty, perhaps inspiring. Well what I'm about to say will be the smartest, most insightful, useful words that you will read this season:

Don't forget your ticket.

Because you know you forgot. It's sitting on the desk. Put the thing in your wallet right now.

Smart, huh? Yeah, that's why you visit. And don't forget that extra layer of clothing. It's April, the high will be about 57...but you know it isn't going to stay there all day. And it's supposed to rain. I know, blasphemous on Opening Day to have rain. But think of it this way, there was no rain in March, and that grass needs nourishment. You don't want Carlos Beltran diving around in brown grass, do ya? So wear that extra sweatshirt.

Oh yeah, put something in your stomach before you go. This way, you don't have a coronary when you find out how much Aramark raised hot dog prices. But if you must eat at the game, have some waffle fries for me, would you?

All right, you there. The one that's not going. Yeah you.

You took the day off, right?

You're not? Really? Well you've got a television at work that gets SNY, right?

No?

You really didn't take the day off?

OK. Here are some more of those words of wisdom that you're going to need. Obviously, you're getting ready to trudge off to work and you're going to need them. Ready:

You know, I all of a sudden feel really nauseous.

Now repeat that over and over again until you believe it. Remember, if you believe it, it's true. And you know there is a bug going around. Really, there is. I caught it one week ago today. It's pretty damn nasty. Hell, tell your boss caught it from me! You surfed my site and caught a virus, that somehow morphed from a computer virus into a real one. Voila (not Frank), you're off! Watch the game. Consider it a paid holiday courtesy of your good friend Metstradamus. Who loves you more than me?

Another suggestion: It's a new season right? Don't be afraid to make yourself a new years resolution. New years resolutions aren't just for January first anymore. They are for the start of pretty much anything. Allow me to make the first new years resolution for the 2006 season on behalf of you:

I will not refer to Anderson Hernandez as "A-Hern".

There. I'm ready for the season. Are you? Of course you are.

One more thing: This is obviously shaping up to be a special season. The players wearing blue and orange (and black drop shadows) are coming with their A game. So I implore you, the fans, to do the same. It's time for you and I to step up our game too. Be a better fan.

• Give yourself sixty seconds...for emergencies. After that, get off the cell phone.
• No waves. Sit down and watch the game.
• People who wear suits to baseball games are generally tools. Leave the suit at home. Wear something you can spill mustard on. If you can't adhere to this rule, then donate your ticket to a girl scout or something. Preferably, a girl scout with those thin mint cookies.
• If you must wear the suit, for Pete Falcone's sake don't buy a brand new hat and wear it with the damn suit! You're not fooling anybody.
• Don't indulge obnoxious visiting fans. Ignore them. Remember if you start a fight with them, you will be ejected from the stadium. It's not worth it. Instead, follow them into the parking lot after the game. And hide the body.
• Standing up during the game to have someone take a picture of you is obnoxious...especially if you're in front of me. I paid good money for my seat. Sit down. Watch the game.
• Mr. Met says no smoking. And when Mr. Met says no smoking, dammit, he means no freaking smoking!
• Yelling "run" after a player makes contact is ridiculous. They know they have to run. The only player that is is acceptable to yell run after making contact is Kaz Matsui. Anyone else, save your breath.
• Don't repeat your heckles. Once is cool. Twice is pushing it. Anything past that, you're drunk. And you sound ridiculous. Have a hot chocolate and sit down. Watch the game.

Now, you're ready for 2006. Now go out there and make me proud.

And Happy New Year.