Saturday, April 01, 2006

The Investigation Expands

Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig held a press conference this afternoon to look into allegations that Metstradamus' hit counter, which is due to reach 100,000 Saturday evening is inflated...perhaps due to the steroid virus.

"Nothing is more important to me than the integrity of the game of baseball. For a substantial period of time, there has been significant public speculation concerning allegations that a number of web surfers were associated with Microsoft Windows and used steroids and other illegal performance enhancing drugs to inflate the hit counter of Metstradamus. That speculation was originally fueled by the testimony of bloggers before a federal grand jury investigating Metstradamus and by an alleged relationship between certain bloggers and Bill Gates. A recent blog has amplified the allegations and raises ethical issues that must be confronted head-on."
Metstradamus has been the focal point of controversy since leaked grand jury testimony during the 2005-2006 offseason linked him to an article referring to Ron Hodges as "Gil's son". Metstradamus will resume his chase of the all-time career hit record when he blogs about alleged pictures of Bobby Bonilla in compromising positions with a toucan on Monday. Selig has appointed former gambler Howard Spira to head up the investigation.

"Of course his hit counter is juiced" claimed Greg Prince of Faith and Fear in Flushing. "I mean, just look at it. "Hit counters don't grow to six figures in less than a just doesn't happen. There aren't 100,000 people who care to read about Metstradamus hates this, and Metstradamus hates that...I mean, everyone hates Mike Stanton! But not everyone has to have a blog about it for crying out loud!"

Metstradamus started his blog on April 27th, 2005. His greatest success was breaking a story regarding a 3 sport, 13 team, 48 player trade featuring Manny Ramirez...the trade never happened. But sources say that the disgraced soothsayer received special computer programs from the Bay Area Technology Hit Counter Operative (BATHCO) to juice up his hit counter.

"He once blogged about a certain type of walkoff that he knew I couldn't figure out the answer to" said Mark Simon of Mets Walkoffs, "He knew what he was doing, he stumped me publicly to bring attention to himself, thus bloating his counter. People like myself may not like it, but he knows what he's doing. And now that I'm blogging about all-time Met walks, he'll ask me some dumb question about how many times Len Dykstra walked in high school...I mean, how the hell am I supposed to come up with that? But that's how he does it."

That's in direct contrast to claims by Metstradamus that he never knowingly used computer programs to bloat his counter. Metstradamus, who declined to be interviewed for this article, isn't without friends.

"I go to his site all the time" said Mets pitcher Royce Ring "If me going on his blog during multiple sessions to read about him defending me is bloating his counter, then so be it. I personally thinks he gets the short end of the stick when it comes to all of these allegations, kind of like he thinks I get the short end of the stick when it comes to my place in the bullpen."

Others however, are not impressed.

"Can't stand him." claimed former Met second baseman Robby Alomar, who was traded for Ring in 2003. "I for one hope he dies."


Kyle in Newport News said...

Happy 100,000 Hit Day, and be sure to eventually frame the keyboard you were using when you got that 100,000th hit.

Tommy_Calzone said...

Congrats Damus. Enjoy it.

And may you remember the calm you will feel tomorrow evening because one way or the other you will not feel it again once the boys take the field.

iiiiiiiiiiiits blood pressure time baby!

G-Fafif said...

I just wish you hadn't wagged your finger at that hearing.

Fredstradamus said...

Nice job, brother ... see you at a million!

Today the Mets, tomorrow the world!

ajsmith said...

Congratulations. Well deserved.

And, by the way... what the hell else did anyone think that Royce Ring would be doing with his time holed up in third-rate hotels in minor league towns?

Asterisk my ass. (-:

pj said...

more pictures of hathaway's nipples = more hits on the web site