Thursday, May 10, 2007

Mind of (Ex) Met-sia

Here is how the boxscore of Wednesday's ninth inning read:

A Benitez relieved B Hennessey.
Paul Lo Duca Ball, P Lo Duca singled to left
Ruben Gotay Ball, Ball, R Gotay bunted into fielder's choice to third, P Lo Duca out at second
Endy Chavez Ball, Strike (swinging), Strike (swinging), Ball, Foul, Ball, Foul, Ball, E Chavez walked, R Gotay to second
Jose Reyes Ball, Ball, J Reyes singled to right, R Gotay to third, E Chavez to second
David Wright Ball, Ball, Ball, Strike (looking), D Wright doubled to deep left, R Gotay and E Chavez scored, J Reyes to third

Now, that same transcription, with the thoughts of former Met reliever Armando Benitez interjected:

A Benitez relieved B Hennessey (All right, here I come to face the Mets again. I never lose to the Mets, ever! Not since they traded me to the Yankees I'll never lose to them as long as I live. Let's play ball.)
Paul Lo Duca Ball (Sonofabitch), P Lo Duca singled to left (All right, I can get out of this jam. After all, I'm Armando Benitez...and I never, ever, lose to the Mets.)

Ruben Gotay (Ruben Go-who? He had his home run for the season, I have nothing to worry about.) Ball (Damnit, he's trying to bunt and I can't throw a strike), Ball (Damnit! This umpire is squeezing me.), R Gotay bunted into fielder's choice to third, P Lo Duca out at second (That's more like it...but this umpire is still killing me.)

Endy Chavez Ball (I am seriously going to choke someone if I don't get a strike call), Strike (There we are, I'm Armando Benitez with my healthy 95 miles per hour fastball who can't be hit) Strike (Yeah, I am so the flippin' man! F-the Mets!!! F-the Mets!!!) Ball (Damn, I'm seriously getting po'd right now), Foul, Ball (Damn, where is Coach Valentine to visit me and tell me what a great pitcher I am?), Foul, Ball (I could really use that mound visit now), E Chavez walked, R Gotay to second (You know what else I can use? A cup of hot cocoa...and my old teddy bear...has anyone seen my old teddy bear?)

Jose Reyes Ball (All right, this is really starting to suck right here), Ball (oh I'm so mad now...I'm going to show the world how mad I am and go stalk behind the mound and throw this resin bag down, now the world will know that Armando means business...damn, now Reyes is going to expect a fastball down the middle, which is pretty much what I'm going to throw him. Maybe he'll get overanxious and pop it up...and you know I still don't have that teddy bear yet), J Reyes (Yes! He popped it up. I am the man!!! Just get over there Ray...get over there, it's an easy pop up...Ray? Linden???) singled to right (G*D D***MIT YOU $&^HOLES I COULD KILL YOU BOTH WITH MY BARE HAND RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I'M BIGGER THAN BOTH OF YOU COMBINED!!!), R Gotay to third, E Chavez to second

David Wright (They're warming somebody up in the bullpen??? This Bochy's no Bobby Valentine) Ball (Now settle down Armando, remember that this is the Mets we're talking about. This Wright character hasn't had a hit in three weeks), Ball (unintelligible spanish cursing), Ball (Oh my goodness gracious, I'm going to walk the winning run home...where has my life betrayed me), Strike (Ha! I rule! F-The Mets, F-The Mets, F-The Mets), D Wright (get foul, get foul, GET FOUL!!!) doubled to deep left, R Gotay and E Chavez scored, J Reyes to third (That's it, I'm not talking to the media. How dare they only come to my locker when I lose...uncontrollable sobbing).

***

Aaron, I'm sorry. You did shave your head. You are a good teammate and I never meant to imply otherwise. You helped us win by keeping the game tied. You are a good pitcher. Please forgive me...I'll take you to a Jet game in the fall, on me.

Now get those clippers ready for Jose, please.

***

John Maine did not have his best stuff today and still fought through for a quality start. That's what good pitchers do.

But regarding the two run home run that Maine gave up, I have to quote the fine folks at Dodger Blues, in reference to Derek Lowe:
"Giving up a home run to Dave Roberts is like getting mugged and robbed by an 85-year-old amputee. Embarrassing."
So what exactly is giving up a home run to a guy who was supposed to go on the disabled list on Wednesday with bone chips in his elbow, who also happens to be Dave Roberts? Getting mugged and robbed by a 95-year-old amputee? A 105-year-old amputee? Rusty Staub?

"The 34-year-old Roberts homered in the Giants' 5-3 loss to the New York Mets on Wednesday, but noted afterward that he did so under the influence of strong anti-inflammatories and was fresh after not having played in the three previous games."
Under the influence? Is that cheating? Can we get George Mitchell in on this?

9 comments:

Brokaw said...

i am so glad that i decided against going to the ball park at the last minute today!!!!

I AM THE UNSUNG HERO OF TODAY'S COME FROM BEHIND VICTORY!!!

bruce froeming made up for molina's ground rule homerun on monday night with his strikezone in the top of the 9th today!!

AFLAC TRIVIA: how often has a giants right fielder butchered a fly ball to right field that resulted in a mets victory on getaway day @at&t park?

Brokaw said...

also, in the 1st inning, with runners on 1st &2nd, when delgado lined out to first with one out, ryan klesko did not step on the bag to double up beltran.

beltran did not notice, and neither did HOJO who was busy resetting his stop watch.

i was never comfortable with the human greenlight coaching third to begin with. and now we got hojo fumbling with with his stop watch..

Anonymous said...

Super post Metstra, dare I say one of the top 3 of the young season!
Joe
Metsfaninphilly

Andrew said...

Nice post, always an enjoyable read.

You read Dodger Blues too, eh?

Krup said...

omg, i've always wondered what it would be like to be inside the head of that loser and, thanks to you, now i know. bless you.

kyle in newport news said...

BJ Ryan is out for the remainder of the season.

Anonymous said...

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http://www.ticketwood.com/mlb/NewYork-Mets-Tickets/index.php. Well I hope this will be helpful for you guys. Go Go Mets. Keep me updated Great blog!!!

Anonymous said...

Absolutely BRILLIANT!!!!!!

Mookie McFly said...

Best and most painpul Newspaper headline while Armando was a Met read -

"Boonitez"

Hopefully Jeff Suppan shaved his head for the series opener tonight!

How do those awful Braves keep winning baseball games? Is it possible for them to win 100 games? I mean, could we both go 100-62? I don't like them Metsra and I am counting on you to do something about this...possibly a Tonya Harding on Chipper? Isn't he supposed to be on the DL by now?