On Golden Parn

"Doesn't he remind you of Henry Fonda? If Henry Fonda was a pitcher, that's how he would talk" -Bob Ojeda, on Bobby Parnell's postgame comments regarding getting out of a seventh inning jam

You know, I was about to go into a whole rant about why Snoop Manuel would bother to tell us that Parnell would still be in the starting rotation "for now" despite his struggles ... that pulling him in favor of, say, Jose Lima would have prevented Parnell to experience the fruits of his education, getting out of a bases loaded nobody out jam in the 7th inning en route to a 6-2 win, the Mets' second straight victory.

But after that comment by Ojeda, I'm not going to do it. Because I give up. I can't say or think of anything more bizarre, tangential, and maniacally brilliant than that. Well played, Bobby O. You win this round.

He's On A Mission From God

Heath Bell wants you to sell him your women.

And why shouldn't you? After all, he's made New York his personal playground with two saves out of three games here ... and if the Padres didn't play so sloppily it very well could have been three for three after tonight's 6-5 loss.

On the one hand, those who think that Heath Bell should pipe down with all his anti-Met propaganda have a valid point. After all, Bell hardly set the world on fire when he was with the Mets, and he should be thanking them for trading him to the Padres and affording him the chance to be the new Trevor Hoffman, instead of worrying about the social habits of his former team. If you look at the obsession meter, Heath Bell lies somewhere in between Lisa Sheridan and a Philadelphia Phillie.

On the other hand, if Gary Cohen's account from today's game is true (and why wouldn't it be), and that Bell was closing in the minors while being a long man while up on the New York part of the shuttle, then he does have a point. It does nobody any good to keep switching roles upon entering and exiting the majors. It reeks of no organizational plan. But again, that's our problem (apparently), and Bell should be happy to be gone. I'd be too if I had five saves the first week of the season after going nowhere with the Mets. But dude, enough. You know? Enough. Enough of your saves, and enough of your chatter. Go save the world somewhere else while Braden Looper comes to town this weekend and points out more of the Mets' organizational flaws.

Honestly, it breaks my heart to see a boy that young goin' bad.

And speaking of piping down:

"This is the most gratifying win I think I’ve ever been a part of as a Padre, watching the total team effort that we gave tonight result in a win." -Jake Peavy

Somebody show Jake a calendar and tell him it's April!!! Really? Most gratifying win? A victory in the first week of the season for a team that's one ten-game losing streak away from trading you to Milwaukee for Seth McClung and a case of Schlitz? Does anyone have perspective anymore?

Oh, and Mike Pelfrey might miss a start. If he does, expect the Mets to call up Chan Jose Lawrence.

Lower Learning

Distinguished Notre Dame Faculty,

I write to you with the utmost respect and admiration. I am a great admirer of all of your accomplishments. For example, your graduation rate of 95 percent is exceeded by only Harvard and Princeton. Your 98 percent retention rate between the freshman and sophomore years is among the highest in the country, thanks in large part to the University's unique First Year of Studies Program. Your graduates are accepted into medical schools at a rate of about 75 percent, almost twice the national average. Your sociology department ranks fifth in the nation when it comes to placing articles in the discipline's top three journals. I could go on and on.

So I would like to ask you this: With all of these accomplishments, how did your fine university manage to turn out somebody as stupid as Aaron Heilman?

Any ideas?

"You'd think he dominates all the time, but he gets in jams ... The thing that sets him apart is that he has the ability to raise his game ... The great ones can do that."

That was a quote from your former baseball coach, Paul Mainieri. The amazing part of that quote is that he actually said this about Aaron Heilman. And I haven't found any proof otherwise (believe me, I tried), so I can only assume that Mr. Mainieri is talking about the same Aaron Heilman that is single-handedly driving us all to drink with his uncanny ability not to raise his game under pressurized circumstances.

So my question is what happened between then and now that he became not so bright? Doesn't the University of Notre Dame have academic standards? Aren't the teachings of your fine institution supposed to stay with your alumni for a few dozen years ... or at least until senility sets in?

Maybe it's set in already.

Maybe the stuff you taught him was replaced with all those Rick "I'll fix him in ten minutes" Peterson metaphors, and maybe he's just supremely confused.

But "great one"? Yes, great ones have the ability to raise their game, not give up two run singles and grand slams to middle infielders on teams that can't hit, as he did Thursday night. So I'm wondering, is this your doing? Or were your teachings somehow forgotten? Does Aaron need to take correspondence courses? Has he been brainwashed?

Please do what you can to rectify this situation.

Regards,

Metstradamus

Do I really need to explain the Heil-o-meter tonight? Apparently Heilman was demoted to the sixth inning, and he still couldn't find his stuff. The Mets are running out of innings to slot him in. Maybe he can be the first inning guy. Think about it: He'd be happy because he's technically a starting pitcher, and then he could be yanked for the real starting pitcher in the second. Or, perhaps he could be the 19th inning specialist. Think about how important the 19th inning is! You know, all of a sudden, I miss Jose Lima.

Road Trippin'

I assume, because I can't tell you from first hand knowledge, that this isn't the kind of game you would have wanted to watch while on a drug trip.

Without the benefit of controlled substances that alter your mind, it was trippy enough drifting out of a fifteen minute long sleep hearing Gary Cohen yell about a long David Wright drive to center field, and then exclaim "The Mets win the game!" only to find out that it was only a dopey commercial for SNY. Then to see Damion Easley lead off the 14th with a chopping single to the left side while thinking it was a flashback to the 12th when Easley led off that inning with a single that looked exactly the same, and then realizing that it was actually the fourteenth, that was enough to make me see colors while turning my hand back and forth.

But when Joel Hanrahan sent Easley to second on a wild pitch, then to third on a throwing error, then struck out Ryan Church for the second out, then walk Wright and Carlos Delgado to force the Mets to use Brian Schneider ... their last position player off the bench ... while only thinking to warm up Scott Schoeneweis at the moment that Delgado was walked (way to think ahead), then have the whole delicious scenario of seeing the Mets fly blind for a couple of innings only to have Hanrahan throw another wild pitch and call the whole thing moot anyway?

You mind as well have put me in the Heavy Metal movie trailer at that point. I was all tripped out at that point without the benefit of drugs. It was just weird.

Sure, you say extra inning wins are fun. Sure they are. But not heading into the Philly series with Filthy having pitched two straight days, Joe Smith having pitched two straight days, Schoeneweis having warmed up 28 times in six innings, and Aaron Heilman having pitched four straight scoreless outings, which means he's overdue for a meltdown.

No seriously, good job Aaron. I fail to give him credit when he deserves it. And Aaron deserves it. Now don't make me look like a moron and implode against the Phillies.

(Now watch him do it just to spite me.)

And I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Nelson Figueroa, who had his second superb outing in a row (seven K's in seven innings, along with seven brides for seven brothers) further distancing himself from fifth starter experiments gone horribly wrong. Speaking of which, Jose Lima just got released by the Kia Tigers in Korea. Does it mean his career is over? Or does it mean there's a rotation spot in New Orleans waiting for him? Only time will tell.

On to Philly. The Amtrak food service car is now open ... enjoy.

Triumphant Return

Congratulations, Nelson Figueroa. Your first major league appearance since '04 was a highly successful one. Not only was your return to the majors a heartwarming story, but with your six strong innings of work you've taken your first step up the ladder of the Met History Hierarchy ... that is to say, you're one step above the likes of Geremi Gonzalez, Chan Ho Park, and Jose Lima.

It would have been a shame for you to bomb as the other three have ... what with your family going insane for you in the luxury box. It would have been a shame to have your name lumped in with the others like some sort of law firm from hell (Park, Lima, Gonzalez and Figueroa LLC). Nobody in Shea wanted that fate to befall you. Instead, you were more than adequate ... heck you were damn good ... you were so good that people in Ohio thought you had 14 K's through four innings instead of the four you actually had! Although to be honest, we all knew you weren't getting that no-hitter that you had through four and 2/3 ... because as nice a story as you are, no-hitters just don't happen around these parts. Sorry, Charlie. But damn fine job anyway, dude.

Now while you're treating your shoulder, can you be sure to save some Icy Hot for Jose Reyes' tight hamstring, please? And if there's some left over, Luis Castillo's knees? Thanks.

Delivering The Good News (With Onion Rings)

(Metstradamus hears a knock at the door, waking him from a sound sleep:)

MD: Hello?

OM: Hey, it's me. Can I come in?

MD: Sure.

(Metstradamus lets in a certain GM of the New York Mets)

MD: Dude, it's like, 3AM.

OM: I know, I know. Here, I brought White Castles.

MD: Ooh, ooh, the kind I like? Cheeseburgers with no pickles?

OM: And just a touch of ketchup. Nobody knows their fans better than me. I even got two sacks of onion rings.

MD: You're awesome.

OM: Save that for when I give you the news.

MD: What news? Are you bringing back the winter caravan? Are you bringing back Jose Lima? Oh wait, I know ... you bought Brian Schneider a Hitaway!

OM: Better.

MD: Well I hope so. It's three o'clock in the freakin' morning.

OM: I got him.

MD: Who?

OM: You know who.

MD: Wait ... no!

OM: Yes.

MD: NO!

OM: Yes!

MD: I don't freakin' believe you!!!

OM: Dude, it's true. I got the paperwork right here.

MD: Holy sh ... wait. The Twinkies gutted the farm, didn't they?

OM: Gomez, Mulvey, Guerra, and Humber.

MD: No (puts onion rings on a White Castle cheeseburger and shoves it in his mouth).

OM: Yes.

MD: How in the name of Lee Guetterman did you pull that off?

OM: In Omar we trust, right?

MD: Oh yeah, baby! You truly are awesome. What a freakin' night ... you bring me Johan Santana ... you bring me White Castles and didn't forget the sack o' rings ...

OM: And I have one more thing for you too.

MD: What else could you possibly give me that would make this night even more special?

OM: This: (Omar Minaya flips Metstradamus the bird and starts singing the theme to Maude, while injecting his own name as the primary subject).

MD: What the hell is wrong with you?

OM: That's for all the crap you blogged about me when I traded Lastings Milledge. Omar this, Omar that, I don't trust Omar, bla bla bla. You don't think I read that? You don't think I read how you turned your back on me?

MD: Oh, you're still mad about that? Look dude, I was ticked! I was emotional! For crying out loud you guys blew a seven game lead with 17 games to play ... how the hell do you expect me to react when you trade a talented yet misunderstood outfielder for a .220 hitting catcher and Ryan Church?

OM: Dude, you were dogging me like I was some sort of schlub off the street ... like I was a common hot dog vendor ... like I was Al Harazin!

MD: Oh, come on. Don't you think you're being a tad overdramatic?

OM: Screw that. I try to shore up the bullpen and what do you do? You make jokes about arm casts and afterschool specials. You didn't trust me. And now that I've gotten you your ace, you're all happy and you're all like "oh Omar, you're the best" and "oh Omar you're so awesome" and like "oh Omar, sell me a seven pack". Yet you snicker behind my back and make fun of my smaller acquisitions while not seeing the big picture. Well, screw you. I've had it with you sitting in front of your laptop assuming that there's going to be a disaster at every turn. I brought you Petey. I brought you Carlos Beltran. AND I GOT YOU JOHAN SANTANA YOU PETULANT BLOGGER B*TCH! (Omar flips Metstradamus the double bird and laughs like Cesar Romero).

MD: Omar! Watch your f***ing language!!!

OM: You don't deserve Johan Santana. Maybe I'll just tell the Wilpons to be a little extra hard during contract negotiations during the next few days so he'll go back to Minnesota en route to Boston or The Bronx. Would you like that?

MD: You take that back!!!

OM: Make me!!!

MD: Just wait until ... until ... YOU LACED THESE WHITE CASTLES!!! (Metstradamus runs to the bathroom)

OM: Um no, that's just what they do. But you got what you deserved anyway! HA! (Omar leaves in a huff with an evil laugh ... Metstradamus emerges from the bathroom seconds later).

MD: Wait! Omar!!! Come back!!! (Metstradamus opens the door to find Omar waiting for the elevator in the hallway with an evil grin on his face).

OM: Which seven-pack would you like?

MD: Santana pack?

OM: I'll see if I can invent one. You know I spoil you.

MD: Thanks dude. And thanks for the White Castles.

OM: Anytime. See you at Shea?

MD: You bet.

(And ... scene.)

Old Acquaintance Should, In Fact, Be Forgot

My sources are reporting that the Mets have hired respected scientists to take DNA from Endy Chavez's baseball mitt, Filthy Sanchez's goggles, and Jose Lima's Loreal to try to clone 2006. Reports say that the Mets, who are deathly afraid of what 2008 might bring, have hired the same scientists who made cats glow in the dark, so there's a chance that this could happen.


Rick Peterson says don't drink and drive on New Year's Eve ... that means YOU, Cecil.

Ghosts Return

As if I need more things to haunt me this winter, Metsblog alerts us to this great news:

The trade market opens in earnest today with the start of the annual GM Meetings. Already, executives are talking about the potential for stars as big as Minnesota ace Johan Santana and Florida slugger Miguel Cabrera becoming available.

But it might just start there. An executive familiar with Tampa's thinking said if the offers for Santana grow to a substantial level, then the Rays would test to see what they could get for Scott Kazmir.

The thinking is that because Kazmir is three years from free agency as opposed to one year for Santana, he might bring nearly as much in return.

The Rays need multiple high-end pitchers, and Kazmir, just about to enter arbitration eligibility for the first time, might be too expensive and ready to depart just as Tampa is projecting contention in two to three years.

How comical would it be if the Mets, with their No. 1 need being a No. 1 starter, found themselves trying to trade for Kazmir 3½ seasons after getting Victor Zambrano for him?

Yeah. That's really funny. It's so funny I want to cry my eyes out. And it's funny because you can count on me to be at Gerry Hunsicker's doorstep offering everything short of a lifetime subscription to Field & Stream to make this happen. Yeah, I know. I should want nothing to do with Scott Kazmir just for the bad feng shui he's caused in our lives just by being traded in the worst trade in baseball history (yeah, I said it...the worst!)

But so what if the Mets have to pay ten times the value they got for Kazmir in the first place (what do you get when you multiply ten by a negative number, anyway?) What, you're scared that the Wilpon's would admit that they made a mistake by trading him in the first place? The free world already knows that the Mets made a mistake!!! If you were to tell a person from New Zealand that you were a Mets fan, they cringe and say "Ooooh, Scott Kazmir." That's how widely known how much of a colossal vapor lock that trade was.

So now he may be available and we want to stick our heads in the sand? I know it's a pipe dream, but let's give Gerry Hunsicker everything short of the kitchen sink and the dirty water filled hot dog carts. Besides, do you really want the Yankees to trade for Scott Kazmir? No no, think about it: do you want to live in a world where Scott Kazmir is wearing Yankee pinstripes?

I know I don't.

C'mon Omar, have some guts and do it. You know you want to see a rotation of Kazmir, John Maine, Oliver Perez, Pedro Martinez and...well, everyone who could be that fifth starter will probably be traded to get Kazmir so...Brian Lawrence, anyone? Anybody? Jose Lima?

Victor Zambrano? Hey, why not, he's available.

(Meanwhile, there's somebody out there reading this after breathing in some second hand weed, and he's freaking out right now. He's running around in his underwear screaming about the time-space continuum being out of whack or something.)

C'mon, Omar. Let's make this week's GM meetings fun! I mean, there's barely anything going on at your meetings...well, besides Paul Lo Duca wandering around following Freddie begging to be re-signed.

Mardi Blah

Perhaps Thursday's demotion of Joe Smith is a thinly veiled attempt to get the lad a short vacation. Perhaps, he's not going to New Orleans at all. Perhaps he's really going to Cancun or something to spend a week in the sun.

Because if he's hit a wall, as we all believe, then what will pitching in New Orleans solve exactly? The guy needs to be resting in New Orleans.

(Now may not be a great time to bring this up, but Jose Lima is 13-4 in the Mexican league.)

Speaking of hitting walls, Oliver Perez hit his in the sixth inning today, with weapons ranging from broken bat hits, infield hits, sacrifice bunts thrown to Scarsdale (at least Ollie's control to home plate isn't as bad as his control to first base), to hard hit balls off of David Wright's kneecap and long home runs by ex-Yankees. A smorgasbord of disaster for Perez, who's own error made the five runs he gave up unearned. (Mike DeJean thinks that Nady's line drive should have been and error on David Wright.)

But it was Smith that concerned the Mets brass enough that they took the completely unexpected step of sending Smith to New Orleans after yesterday's 8-4 loss to the Pirates. It started against San Diego, as he got rocked in two games at Petco. But Smith's meltdown today against the heart of the Pirates order, where the trademark movement on Smith's pitches was not there, was apparently the last straw...for now. I'm wondering how people are feeling this morning about the fact that Smith is in the minor leagues while Aaron Sele still has a job. Then again, Sele pitches once a month so if there's any arm that isn't dead, it's Sele's.

So we welcome the Jon Adkins Experience, which is kind of like those rides where you go straight down at 100 mph, except instead of down, you're going up...up...and over the left field wall. Hey, that's what we should do with Shea after the Mets move...make it an amusement park, slingshot fans from home plate over the outfield wall, and call it the Jon Adkins Experience. Or the Donne Wall Experience. Or whoever will sponsor it.

(It could be the Armando Benitez Experience, especially after what happened to him on Thursday.)

The other ride could be the Fluff Castro Experience, where you could attempt to slide into second base. But the area around it isn't dirt, but filled with a mix of quicksand and oatmeal. (Riders would actually have to make it to second base to win a prize.)

What You Already Know: The Rotation

"Ouch, my foot." -Achilles

Yup, this is the part of the program everyone is dreading. It's the starting rotation, ladies and gentlemen. Otherwise known as: "Disaster in the Skies".

But is the Mets starting rotation really the disaster that everyone thinks it is? Check out the ERA's from the spring:

• Tom Glavine: 1.29 in 14 innings.
• Mike Pelfrey: 1.29 in 14 innings.
• John Maine: 1.00 in 9 innings.
• Oliver Perez: 2.70 in 20 innings.

And keep in mind with Perez that four of the six runs he's given up game in the first game of the spring against the Tigers. Since then, he's struck out Big Papi and his grilling buddy twice each in a game, and has 15 K's overall in the spring. Not bad for someone who started out the spring by drilling a Sports Illustrated reporter in the leg. Also keep in mind that John Maine pitched shutout ball in a playoff game while facing elimination, yet questions surround him. Something tells me that if Maine wore Yankee pinstripes, he's have a Yankeeography already...but that's just me.

So that leaves one more spot to analyze, and don't automatically pencil in 35 starts for Orlando Hernandez. Many, including myself, assumed out of hand that the Mets signing of guys like Chan Ho Park and Aaron Sele were for the bottom of the rotation. But the bottom of the rotation isn't the problem. For all the crap you hear about the Mets rotation problems, ask baseball GM's if they would like to have Pelfrey, Maine, and Perez at 3-4-5. Ask the Nationals. Ask the Rangers. Hell, ask the Cardinals if they would rather have Pelfrey, Maine, and Perez rather than Adam Wainwright, Anthony Reyes, and Braden Looper (bold AND italicized for added effect).

It's the one-two punch that's the problem. The Mets tried to rectify that with Barry Zito. Didn't happen. So Tom Glavine is going to have to gut it out one more season as the ace. It's dicey yet possible. But with Orlando Hernandez and his myriad of injuries (Arthritis? ARTHRITIS??!?) and his mystery age hanging over him, Park and Sele become insurance for Hernandez and nobody else. And the Mets could really use either Park (8.68 ERA this spring) and/or Sele (6.11 ERA after a strong Thursday outing against Atlanta) to step up and take that Hernandez's spot, because in my humble "Monday Morning Quarterback" type estimation, the Mets are a better team with Hernandez as a long man out of the 'pen and not the number two guy in the rotation.

Yeah, I said it. He pitches this afternoon against the Cards and may change my mind (and as of now, he's given up one run in 5 and 2/3 innings so...mea culpa mea culpa mea culpa in that regard). But I heard (or read) somebody say it best: Orlando is going to get bombed every third start, and be spectacular every third start. It's the other third that will tell his season. Well, that's fine...but not for a number two starter.

So what is to be done going forward this season? Let's start here: As far as I'm concerned: Pedro Martinez is out for 2007. It's not because I dislike Petey...it's not because I don't want him back. It's because these Mets (and Met fans alike), can't hang even one hope on the return of Pedro Martinez...and especially on the return of Pedro Martinez to the form that we come to expect from Pedro, whether it be vintage 1999 or 2000 or even 2005. I want whatever Pedro does to be a bonus, almost like he would be the Mets trade acquisition in August and September.

Otherwise, the closest thing to a realistic acquisition for the top of the rotation would be Mark Buehrle of the White Sox, who is in his contract year. The Mets might also talk to Jamey Wright if the Rangers don't have him on their 40 man roster by March 28th. But is Wright any better than anyone who is already at the back of the Mets rotation? Probably not. And that's why we shouldn't worry all that much. Because gone are the days of having to sign the Jose Limas and the Geremi Gonzalez's of the world now that guys like Maine and Perez are settling in, and that Pelfrey has shown that he's ready for the majors. Heck, if we're really lucky (and if we're all good little boys and girls), then the minor league fairy might deliver Philip Humber under our pillows on a humid night in July. But I'm considering that a Pedro-like longshot for the sake of my own sanity.