Sunday, May 08, 2005

The Glavine conga line forms at the cornfield...

I had a bad feeling well before the Mets squandered a chance to break today's game open in the first inning when they had a run in, two runners on and nobody out and couldn't score more than one run. No, my bad feeling came when WPIX led into today's Mets/Brewers finale with "Field of Dreams". I imagined how a sequel would end, as the little daughter Karin Kinsella says "Tommy, you wanna pitch me some batting practice?" Then Tom Glavine comes out of the Iowa corn fields to pitch to Karin, all grown up now, as she proceeds to hit moon shot after moon shot back into the cornfields, no doubt conking Joe Jackson and Terrence Mann in the head. The shot then expands to show a long line of current and former National Leaguers with bats ready to hit Glavine's 87 MPH fastball into North Dakota.

It gets tiring watching Glavine pitch batting practice during games, but it might very well be more tiring listening to Glavine's PR firm of Dave O'Brien and Tom Seaver. When they weren't working on their comedy routine during the game, which was too close to warrant a lengthy conversation about frogs and coffee and polkadot ties or whatever the heck they had been talking about, the WPIX announcers were busy crying and whining about how Glavine is snakebit. Granted, a lot of the Brewers' hits today have been "wounded quails" and "clunkers", but O'Brien and Seaver were relentless in their excusing of Glavine and his 421.48 ERA and his 21-523 record as a Met. Guys, Tom Glavine is perfectly capable of making excuses for his own performance. He does not need the two of you to help him, regardless of how much the Mets may be paying you to do so. There are no snake bites to excuse a 6.87 ERA and a 1-4 record (a record which the Mets saved from being 1-5 in the eighth inning). Two runners thrown out at home are the only things that got Glavine to the end of the third inning. And Brewers starter Chris Capuano was just as wild and useless today yet he didn't give up 4 runs in his first 2 innings like a certain supposed future hall of famer has. The used car salesmen that are O'Brien and Seaver, even had graphics that categorized Glavine's hits given up as 5 clunkers, 3 dunkers, and 2 line drives. For heaven's sake 10 hits in 5 innings is AWFUL! Clunkers, dunkers, dinkers, cue shots, dying quails, wounded quails, Texas leaguers, Baltimore chops, bushers, mashers, three fingered louies, double espressos, lard balls, slime balls, grass worms, dillweeds, California botox operations, snot raisins, wheat muffins, Ugandan machetes, potholes, potheads, deadheads, dead animals...HITS ARE HITS!!!

Glavine had one 1-2-3 inning in the 6th, his last. This is when Glavine decided to have a conversation with home plate ump Jim Joyce, probably to whine and gripe and make excuses as he is famous for. Seaver, of course, talked about the conversation like he was standing 18 inches away, basically transcribing the thing for us word by word and in painstaking detail, when for all he knows they could have been talking about dinner plans. Ugh.

The final line against Milwaukee: 6 innings, 11 hits, 2 walks, 4 runs, one more reason that my last coherent Glavine prophecy still stands...he's finished.

No comments: