Thursday, May 22, 2008

Death, Taxes, Moises Alou Injured, And The Mets at .500

Moises Alou suddenly left Wednesday night's ballgame with one out in the third inning with a sudden urge to escape the sinking ship that is the 2008 New York Mets. He commented afterwards that the last year and a half has been a complete waste of time.

Oh sorry, let me try that again:

Moises Alou suddenly left Wednesday night's ballgame with one out in the third inning as his fairy godmother appeared and reminded him that if he stayed healthy and active for more than three weeks at a time, that he would turn into a pumpkin by the fifth inning.

Damn, I keep messing that up. Oh wait, I know:

Moises Alou suddenly left Wednesday night's ballgame with one out in the third inning as an act of protest due to the fact that Willie Randolph is unfairly portrayed by Sports Net New York.

No, it's not that either. Here's the real story:

Moises Alou suddenly left Wednesday night's ballgame with one out in the third inning to make sure he was by his locker in plenty of time for the media to interview him after the game. This act pleased Billy Wagner very much.

Dammit, wrong.

Moises Alou suddenly left Wednesday night's ballgame with one out in the third inning to get head start watching film on the next triple-A call up from Atlanta, or Colorado, or Florida to shut them down.

What is wrong with me?

Moises Alou suddenly left Wednesday night's ballgame with one out in the third inning to sit in the last row of Turner Field with Kevin Burkhardt and Keith Hernandez and discuss tornadoes.

Wait, wait, wait:

Moises Alou suddenly left Wednesday night's ballgame with one out in the third inning to beat the ever loving snot out of Aaron Heilman. Then, he's going to hunt down Steve Bartman once and for all and beat the ever loving snot out of him as well..

No, that's not right either. Ohhhhhhhhh.

Moises Alou suddenly left Wednesday night's ballgame with one out in the third inning due to a cramp in his left calf.

There, I've got it now.

This is not considered a serious injury, except for the fact that this is Moises Alou we're talking about and we'll probably see him next around August after doctors find manicotti cheese where his knee ligaments should be. See you in August, Moises. Get healthy for that stretch drive (where if you're lucky, you'll be a DH for a contender, since this team isn't playing like it's going to contend for anything anytime soon.)

10 comments:

Demitri said...

You got the death part right, some fan fell off the upper deck and died at Turner field last night.

Since something similar happened at Shea this year, can we also assume that the mere presence of the Mets is driving people to suicide?

Just thought I'd toss that one in there.

Unser said...

Manicotti cheese - yum.

I'd like to know from Elias how many 3 up and 3 down innings the Mets have had this year. They must lead the league.

A regular or two or three needs to get benched today, starting with Castillo. What an awful performance.

Have I mentioned I hate Atlanta and I hate the Braves?

tim said...

I can't even hate the Braves, there only taking what they're given.

'Oh, you don't want to charge that ball Luis, I'll be glad to hustles down the line with my average speed and beat your throw,' said Mark Texiera, 'and after that I'm sure professional hitters Brian McCann and Jeff Franceour will be happy to show you what happens when you don't make plays.'

We hate the Braves because they do what we want our guys to do, hustle, and get the key hit. And once they get the key hit the jump up in the air and stomp on the opposing team's neck just to make sure they don't get upu again, You know, like April to September of 2006, somewhere in the weeks following that span, this team forgot how to do that.

They laughed at us in 2005. They were scared of us in 2006, they were licking their wounds in 2007 and now they're back to ruling us.

Castillo should have to give his night's pay to Mike Pelfrey.

katherine said...

Last night I listened to the game on the radio - it is definitely less painful that way. But even something the radio announcers said made me mad. They said that Carlos Beltran just jogged down to first base when he hit into the double play in the third inning to end the Mets rally. He didn't try to beat it out. How could that BE?

I have resisted being critical for a long time, because it just didn't seem possible to me that the problem was that the guys weren't trying hard enough! I still don't want to believe it.

I read only Metstradamus in the morning. Everything else is too upsetting. Your versions of the Alou injury were so witty/apt they made me feel better - no small feat. Talk about a coach turning into a pumpkin - after my fab weekend in NYC with two Mets wins, I am back to being Cinderella, and the coachmen (Mets) have turned into mice.

tim said...

Well, Katherine, they certainly aren't men.

Deb said...

No, they're not, Tim. They are big huge gigantic f'g pussies, as is often pointed out on my blog, lol.

tim said...

I'm in mixed company Deb, i'm trying not to work blue but since you brought it up, they actually give the pussies of this world a bad name. Still, I hesitate the word I really want to use.

Tippy said...

Willie must not be fired!

Nobody else has the ability to 'tip his cap' to the victorious opponent with such enthusiasm!!!!

tim said...

Well, there you go, you convinced me Tippy.

Anonymous said...

hey moises and willie - go take a crap, eat it, throw it up, eat it, poop it out, shove it up ur butt, throw it up again, lick it, shove it up your nose, sneeze it out, eat it, poop it out, and lick it.