Death, Taxes, Moises Alou Injured, And The Mets at .500

Moises Alou suddenly left Wednesday night's ballgame with one out in the third inning with a sudden urge to escape the sinking ship that is the 2008 New York Mets. He commented afterwards that the last year and a half has been a complete waste of time.

Oh sorry, let me try that again:

Moises Alou suddenly left Wednesday night's ballgame with one out in the third inning as his fairy godmother appeared and reminded him that if he stayed healthy and active for more than three weeks at a time, that he would turn into a pumpkin by the fifth inning.

Damn, I keep messing that up. Oh wait, I know:

Moises Alou suddenly left Wednesday night's ballgame with one out in the third inning as an act of protest due to the fact that Willie Randolph is unfairly portrayed by Sports Net New York.

No, it's not that either. Here's the real story:

Moises Alou suddenly left Wednesday night's ballgame with one out in the third inning to make sure he was by his locker in plenty of time for the media to interview him after the game. This act pleased Billy Wagner very much.

Dammit, wrong.

Moises Alou suddenly left Wednesday night's ballgame with one out in the third inning to get head start watching film on the next triple-A call up from Atlanta, or Colorado, or Florida to shut them down.

What is wrong with me?

Moises Alou suddenly left Wednesday night's ballgame with one out in the third inning to sit in the last row of Turner Field with Kevin Burkhardt and Keith Hernandez and discuss tornadoes.

Wait, wait, wait:

Moises Alou suddenly left Wednesday night's ballgame with one out in the third inning to beat the ever loving snot out of Aaron Heilman. Then, he's going to hunt down Steve Bartman once and for all and beat the ever loving snot out of him as well..

No, that's not right either. Ohhhhhhhhh.

Moises Alou suddenly left Wednesday night's ballgame with one out in the third inning due to a cramp in his left calf.

There, I've got it now.

This is not considered a serious injury, except for the fact that this is Moises Alou we're talking about and we'll probably see him next around August after doctors find manicotti cheese where his knee ligaments should be. See you in August, Moises. Get healthy for that stretch drive (where if you're lucky, you'll be a DH for a contender, since this team isn't playing like it's going to contend for anything anytime soon.)

Desert Desperation

How desperate are the Diamondbacks to try to steal a game from the Mets that they had to have Jeffrey Maier Night at Chase Field to yank home runs from Endy Chavez with their popcorn buckets?

Yes, desperate times call for desperate measures. Yet they still didn't work as the Mets rode the bat and legs of Julio Franco to a 5-3 victory.

Yes, I said Julio Franco...the 49-year-old Julio Franco. He hit a home run into the pool off of Randy Johnson (proving that objects that come in fast go out even faster), and later in the game stole a base. I think that if he had charged the mound as well, I think it would have counted as a Gordie Howe Hat Trick (and I don't think there's a Sabermetric column for that.

John Maine? He doesn't need to fight (he's a pitcher...not a fighter.) All he needs to do is pitch the way he's been pitching and that's fine with me. The young man is now 5-0 with an ERA that's so small after tonight's victory that it could fit in one of Kirk Radomski's syringes. Maine has become a taste great/less filling argument. Is Maine this good because of the guidance of Rick Peterson? Is Maine this good because he's got natural talent that is blossoming? Or is he this good because he's been lucky? It's an interesting argument. Luckily for you all, only the great Metstradamus has the correct answer:

I don't care.

Because if he is good? All the better for us. If he's lucky? Hell I'll send him a rabbit's foot for each day of the calendar year if that what it takes to keep him lucky...lucky all the way to the bank.

But back to this little brat in the outfield...he clearly reached over the fence to interfere with the ball, yet the umpires reasoned that if the ball had touched the popcorn then it should have been a home run. Which begs the question: What would have happened had Moises Alou had been the left fielder on that play? Would his jumping around and throwing a tantrum have convinced the umpires to reverse their call? Would Alou have even gotten back to the wall? Would Moises have had a Steve Bartman flashback, snapped, and reached over the outfield fence to put this kid in a chokehold, all the while visualizing Bartman? Questions that will never be answered because Moises' knee hurts. Shame.

***

Speaking of shame, here's what else I'm upset about, in this order:

• Game 5. Yeah, that one hurt. But the Sabres once had a 3-2 series lead in a playoffs long long ago after an overtime goal at home. But Games 6 and 7 featured overtime goals to defeat the Sabres and knock them out. The goal scored to win Game 6? Martin Straka.
• Survivor Fiji. Why? Because two of the last three weeks eliminated contestants named Edgardo and Mookie. There are no contestants named Choo Choo, Doc, or Turk left. However, there's hope that lies in Saturday's Kentucky Derby:

Teuflesberg...of course. Spelled wrong, and the number is wrong. But the horse is a 30-1 shot, and he has defeated Hard Spun. Metstradamus says: well worth the money. Tim Teufel faced long odds too, but he invented a wiggle in his batting stance, and the rest is history. So go forth and run hard Teuflesberg...run hard for Timmy.