Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Stranded No More

I loved Gilligan's Island as a child. Syndication of this show got me through a lot of early mornings getting ready for school. As I look back on the show, I realize a couple of things:
  1. Tina Louise was hot. And ...
  2. If Aaron Heilman had inherited these stranded castaways back in 1964, there would have never been a show. Because the castaways would have gone home immediately like every runner on base when Heilman comes into the game.
Because of the archaic rules of baseball, recent call-up Claudio Vargas was tagged with the loss tonight after 6 and 1/3 innings of three hit baseball. We know better, as Heilman gave up the same amount of hits while only getting one batter out. And now this clinches a homestand of at least three losses in seven tries, meaning that the good work done during the 3-3 road trip against Arizona and Los Angeles is pretty much negated ... meaning that more people will want Willie Randolph fired. I know who I want fired:

Let's review: Aaron Heilman had gotten the second out in the seventh, and had Jesus Flores on an 0-2 count. Then he fooled around and fooled around and fooled around and Flores worked the count full and I thought, "at least Heilman will do the smart thing and walk him rather than give up the base hit to get the run home." I should have known that Flores would line the 3-2 pitch to left field to give the Nationals the lead. It didn't matter, as everybody would have come home anyway. P.S. For those of you who thought that Lost would have been a better reference than Gilligan's Island, I've never seen Lost. Gilligan's Island, I've seen. And I stand by my assertion that Tina Louise was hot. But from now on, I'll do my best to stay consistent with the generation I'm living in. But thank goodness that Aaron Heilman wasn't alive in 1964.

24 comments:

Demitri said...

metstra - that was a damn fast post as the game only ended 15 minutes ago. Are you writing from the future?

Or maybe Heilman coming in and blowing a game in a big spot has become extremely predictable.

Metstradamus said...

I am a soothsayer, after all.

Metstradamus said...

But you don't have to be a soothsayer to figure out that disaster follows Aaron Heilman.

Itsmetsforme said...

i may be in the minority here, but i think you could get a large orange julius for hellman.

Mike said...

I freaking HATE Heilman!

Metstradamus said...

IMFM, this in from Jayson Stark:

"I don't think an Orange Julius franchise owner would dare alienate his fan base by trading too much thick, creamy Orange Julius liquid for Heilman. Then, you'd have to find a role for Heilman. He'd probably want to manage the stand, but he's better suited to serve, since all of his handoffs would be straight. And as you know, if you put Heilman in the wrong role, he sulks. The price of an extra inch of Orange Julius drink would just be too much for an Orange Julius manager to justify to his ownership."

Ken Rosenthal is reporting that there's a 7-11 manager off I-95 that would be willing to give up a pack of Chuckles and a small bag of Doritos for Heilman. Minaya, however, is hoping that the manager will throw in a corn dog. But that might be a deal breaker.

The Metmaster said...

How about our stellar manager standing in the dugout like a freakin statue, giving that Joe Torre/Willie Randolph glare as the home ump gives one of the team's best hitters the heave-ho? Randolph is horrible. Why the hell wasn't he out there in the ump's face demanding to know what Alou said and what was he thinking running his veteran left fielder who knows the strike zone better than just about anyone else in the league. Why didn't he at least put on a show and get booted himself to light some kind of fire in that damn team. This "Yankee Way" crap is for the birds. His blind devotion to Heilman as his seventh inning guy boggles the imagination. Heilman stinks. He is incapable of being clutch. Everyone in baseball knows it. Except for stoic Willie on the top step giving that "Yankee Way" glare. Good God, what a horror show!

Metstradamus said...

Metmaster, I think even Torre would have been out there.

But how come it takes Dana DeMuth less time to eject Moises Alou than it does for him to give an out call on a routine grounder?

Anonymous said...

On your Heil-O-Meter you are not fair! When Heilman does well you move the arrow to 6 but when he does bad it goes down to 0!

Unser said...

Did Tina Louise play Ginger or Mary Ann? And can she hit? They could use someone, anyone, to get a big hit.

I think the Willie countdown is on. There is absolutely no sense of inspiration or passion anywhere on this team.

damaged goods said...

now we get into the ginger (tina louise) vs. mary ann (dawn wells) debate.
there are arguments to be made on both sides, of course. i'll just say that the professor was often seen returning to camp with mary ann after a "nature walk" or somesuch.

Anonymous said...

Don't worry! Willie's 'Gut' will make the right move next time too! This was for the best! Willie just wanted to teach peterson a 'lesson' for recommending vargas be taken out.

Willie threw Peterson under the bus because willie is a god and you mutts fans will never understand what a great genius manager you have with willie the gut.

Melvin said...

Remember a game with the Braves, I think, when Cox got himself thrown out of the game to save one of his players? These are things that Willie Nillie never does, and that's why this is a mediocre team. Because it has a mediocre manager, at best.

katherine said...

I am trying to follow Metstradamus' "Heilman Initiative" and do something productive and worthwhile everytime Aaron comes in a game and loses it for us. If we have another month or two like April and May, I will have discovered a cure for cancer AND qualified for the Olympic Decathlon.

And my favorite was always Thurston Howell III. I am still hoping to someday meet someone just like him.

Toasty Joe said...

If the Professor could make a radio out of a coconut, how come he could'nt fix a hole in the goddamned boat?

Gilligan Heilman said...

Aaron Heilman is to the Mets as Gilligan was to the castaways. Every time it appears that things might end well, he screws it up. Also, he always wears the same outfit when I see him on TV. On a side note, did anyone else ever pick up on the semi-hidden Gilligan-Skipper love story?

Itsmetsforme said...

throw in a parking spot close to 7-11 and Heilman will report for duty as long as he can open the store. Sunchips are also delicious, but hasn't Heilman caused enough heartburn?

Jaap said...

Ah, Katherine, plenty of Thurston Howell III types in Oxfordshire. No shortage.
On the scale of probability which is more likely:
a. Heilman blows a game
b. A good vintage from Tom Seaver's vineyard
c. Willie takes his hands out of his back pockets and gesticulates wildly at an ump and gets tossed from the game
d. Carlos Delgado's batting average tops his weight

upstate met fan said...

Re: Poll

Couldn't you put the Orange Julius and Ham Sandwich together for one possible answer?

Metstradamus said...

UMF,

A GM would be roasted for giving up the ham sandwich AND the Orange Julius.

Charity said...

As I said before, I would trade Heilman for a piece of one ply TP at the point.

As least I could do something with that.

But no seriously I've tried to do the whole Heilman incentive thingy...IE plan my wedding while watching games (being that it is Mets themed this sounded like a good idea)

HOWEVER.

Its really depressing to think that my whole wedding will be planned "WHAT IN THE EVER LOVING HELL IS THAT HEILMAN!" "NO NO NO YOU CAN'T THROW THAT PITCH" "I SWEAR I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!"


I'm a sad panda now.

Anonymous said...

do you mets fans realize that your hero tom seaver is nothing more than a disgraceful womanizing drunken adulterer?

David Sloane said...

So's your Mom.

George Thomas said...

Maybe that is why he is our hero. Ha!