Saturday, May 31, 2008

Postcards From The Edge

Dear Aaron Heilman,

Drink lots of fluids in New Orleans. It's hot there this time of year.

-Metstradamus
Dear Willie Randolph,

Aaron Heilman's splits going into tonight read as such:

Bases empty: 2.65 ERA, 1.00 WHIP, .175 BAA
Runners on: 9.53 ERA, 2.12 WHIP, .370 BAA

And just for fun:

RISP w/2 outs: 21.60 ERA, 2.70 WHIP, .412 BAA

Why you would wait for a runner to reach base to bring Aaron Heilman in continues to be one of the great mysteries of my life. Sure, the runner should have never been on base because it was a bad call on the Pierre play. But dude, when there's runners on base, Heilman needs to pitch with a shrink behind him sitting in a lawn chair. Why would you do that to Aaron? Somewhere in this city, Aaron's on the phone talking to someone about his mother to work out his mental block. And I blame you.

-Metstradamus
Dear Tim Welke,

Thank you for continuing to convince the masses to bring instant replay to baseball. When you basically helped the Mets lose with your bad call to start the eighth inning, you are helping to score a greater victory for the sport in the process. So when a Derek Jeter foul ball in the ninth inning of Game 7 of the 2010 World Series against the Mets is overturned and made a walk-off, series winning home run, baseball has you to thank.

-Metstradamus
Dear Luis Castillo,

Congratulations on your second home run in three days. Those guys in front of your locker are there because it's time for your "random" drug test. Not that they don't trust you but ... you know, just in case.

-Metstradamus

P.S. They also want to ask you something about Mindy McCready.
Editor's disclaimer: The author of this blog is not insinuating that Luis Castillo is on the juice. That would be silly. He only means to illustrate that we live in a time that people will always associate unexpected power with performance enhancing drugs, which is an ill-informed point of view. Performance enhancing drugs are used more to bounce back from injury, which Luis has now. So as much as Luis gets injured and hobbles around, he can't possibly be juicing.

But when he hit that home run, tell me you weren't thinking it for a split second. (Liar.)
Dear Chan Ho Park,

The one start you made for us in your life is a start that I'll never have back. If you had never wore a Mets uniform, that might have been us that got swept by the Rockies instead of Philadelphia. And if my team is eliminated from the playoffs this season by one game, guess who I'm blaming?

-Metstradamus
Dear Clayton Kershaw,

I look forward to you throwing a no-hitter against the Mets one day. I'll find a way to blame Chan Ho Park for that too.

-Metstradamus
Dear Jonathon Broxton,

My cat likes to howl at the moon. So can you take a step to the left? You're blocking the moonlight.

-Metstradamus

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

How about.....
Dear Gary Cohen,
Not for nothin' but immediatley after you said Heilman has been untouchable in his last 4 innings....the flood gates opened. Immediately after you said ScSc has retired the last 17 batters he's faced....wham! I'm not superstitious but just in case....

katherine said...

I didn't know Aaron had such bad stats with men on base. So now I really wonder, Why, oh why, did Willie leave him in so long?
After the second hit he gave up, if I was manager, I would have SPRINTED to the mound to take him out. Did he not give up 4 hits in a row? I was so agitated, I was running around in little circles shouting "Take him out, Take him out", I may have lost track.

Ceetar said...

I don't really think he was left in too long. At some point Willie has to trust guys enough that he doesn't blow through his entire bullpen every game.

However, I have noticed that about heilman and runners on (And have you noticed, a lot of times they are just grounders through holes). My father actually brought up a good point: Talk to your infield! If Delgado knows you are throwing an outside pitch ot a righthander, he can be prepared for an opposite field grounder, whereas if you're going inside, maybe he can take a few steps away from the bag.

The main goal for Willie with Heilman is and should be getting his confidence up, and I think this was part of that. Of course, he blew it. I think Willie won't use him in a similar situation again soon, but I'm sure he thought, like we did, that Heilman had returned to form.

Walt said...

After watching Heilman and his wonderous performance this year, I've figured out the perfect plan to really give Shea a nice farewell. You see, the day we implode Shea, Aaron Heilman will recieve a sudden phone call about him possibly starting next year. Forgetting the events that would happen later, Heilman would crawl out of his cardboard box under the 7 train and run back to Shea, displaying the first hustle anyone has seen from him. Upon reaching the gate, there will be a sign, "Starters' Meeting, 1 PM, PR Room." Since Heilman has always been wrapped in a sheet and ushered out of the clubhouse to avoid the press in all possible ways, he won't have a clue where to go. After wondering the tunnels of a now gutted Shea for almost an hour, he'll find the door to the PR room, with Gary Carter inside. "This the starters' meeting?" Heilman will ask. "Starters' Meeting? I thought this was about me managing next year." A collective "Uh-oh" will follow gulps, as the rumblings of the dynamite shake through the walls. Back outside, at home plate of Citi Field, David Wright and Jose Reyes will be smiling with construction hats, holding the detonator's plunger. "Anyone seen Heilman? He's supposed to pick up my dry cleaning," says a cheerful Santana. "No..." the left side of the infield will reply.

Shea will be buried with its best memories and the fans worst nightmares.

fredstradamus said...

'nother great post ... and congrats about crashing through the 600K hits mark!