Lower Learning

Distinguished Notre Dame Faculty,

I write to you with the utmost respect and admiration. I am a great admirer of all of your accomplishments. For example, your graduation rate of 95 percent is exceeded by only Harvard and Princeton. Your 98 percent retention rate between the freshman and sophomore years is among the highest in the country, thanks in large part to the University's unique First Year of Studies Program. Your graduates are accepted into medical schools at a rate of about 75 percent, almost twice the national average. Your sociology department ranks fifth in the nation when it comes to placing articles in the discipline's top three journals. I could go on and on.

So I would like to ask you this: With all of these accomplishments, how did your fine university manage to turn out somebody as stupid as Aaron Heilman?

Any ideas?

"You'd think he dominates all the time, but he gets in jams ... The thing that sets him apart is that he has the ability to raise his game ... The great ones can do that."

That was a quote from your former baseball coach, Paul Mainieri. The amazing part of that quote is that he actually said this about Aaron Heilman. And I haven't found any proof otherwise (believe me, I tried), so I can only assume that Mr. Mainieri is talking about the same Aaron Heilman that is single-handedly driving us all to drink with his uncanny ability not to raise his game under pressurized circumstances.

So my question is what happened between then and now that he became not so bright? Doesn't the University of Notre Dame have academic standards? Aren't the teachings of your fine institution supposed to stay with your alumni for a few dozen years ... or at least until senility sets in?

Maybe it's set in already.

Maybe the stuff you taught him was replaced with all those Rick "I'll fix him in ten minutes" Peterson metaphors, and maybe he's just supremely confused.

But "great one"? Yes, great ones have the ability to raise their game, not give up two run singles and grand slams to middle infielders on teams that can't hit, as he did Thursday night. So I'm wondering, is this your doing? Or were your teachings somehow forgotten? Does Aaron need to take correspondence courses? Has he been brainwashed?

Please do what you can to rectify this situation.

Regards,

Metstradamus

Do I really need to explain the Heil-o-meter tonight? Apparently Heilman was demoted to the sixth inning, and he still couldn't find his stuff. The Mets are running out of innings to slot him in. Maybe he can be the first inning guy. Think about it: He'd be happy because he's technically a starting pitcher, and then he could be yanked for the real starting pitcher in the second. Or, perhaps he could be the 19th inning specialist. Think about how important the 19th inning is! You know, all of a sudden, I miss Jose Lima.