Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Frenchy's Two Cents

There's a knock at the door to Omar Minaya's office after the Braves kick the Mets' heads in again ...

OM: Come in.

JF: Hey Omar, it's Frenchy. Say, I've been hearing some rumors that you're going to sign me long term. That's really great!

OM: You should know not to read the papers, Jeff ... especially that Adam Rubin fellow.

JF: But I've been great for you this season. I've been raking ... three hits a game, every game.

OM: What happened tonight?

JF: Oh, please. Who can hit Jair Jurrjens these days?

OM: And your leadership is a question mark.

JF: Question mark? Are you kidding? I smile, I slam coolers after tough losses, I've befriended everyone in the clubhouse, I'm the soul of your club right now!

OM: Yeah, well when everyone was growing beards until the club got to .500, you jumped ship and shaved. What kind of leadership is that?

JF: Omar, if we had stuck to that, we'd all have disease ridden beards right now. And with the swine flu going around, the trainers would have had to give our beards Purell baths every day. And if you had let Tim Redding stop trimming that animal on his face, it would have been down to his feet, and he would have tripped over it and torn his MCL and ACL by now. Do you want that on your conscience?

OM: I guess sometimes leadership is subjective.

JF: And practical.

OM: Well I have a lot of problems to worry about for next season before I worry about you.

JF: Well that's another reason I'm here. I know of someone who really wants to be a Met next year, and he'll solve all your problems.

OM: Is his name Koufax?

JF: No ...

OM: Pujols?

JF: No, (chuckles) it's Jason Marquis!

OM: Marquis? Is that French, like Marquis de Sade?

JF: I think so.

OM: I don't employ French players.

JF: But you traded for me, and I've got to have French in me ... Francoeur???

OM: Skip was desperate to get rid of Church. And honestly, I thought you were from Samoa.

JF: C'mon Omar, you knew my nickname was "Frenchy" ...

OM: I thought it was ironic.

JF: And why don't you have French night? It's always Latin night, putting "Los" Mets on the jerseys. How come we never se "Le Mets"?

OM: That has nothing to do with any Latin night.

JF: What do you mean?

OM: It's supposed to say "Loser" The jerseys are supposed to read "Loser Mets".

JF: Huh?

OM: Look, I can't explain ... but I'm not signing Marquis.

JF: Why not?

OM: Well, look at him. He looks too much like Fred Savage on steroids. I can't have a steroid scandal here in Flushing, Frenchy.

JF: Come on, Omar. Sign him ... he's my buddy!

OM: Look, you can't just waltz in here after three months telling me how to do my job and getting me to hire your friends. That never works anyway.

JF: But look at the season he's had ...

OM: Jeff do you know what it takes to be a GM, and think hard before you answer that ... because to be a great GM you have to start thinking about 2010 in 2006. I have a specific plan that will make sense to everybody after it's been put into practice. Just trust me and worry about your on base percentage.

JF: Care to fill me in?

OM: Yeah, I'm going to sign LeBron James.

JF: Huh?

OM: He's the best 2010 free agent out there.

JF: Umm, that's not ... even the same ... uh, sport ...

OM: Now, are there any other questions, Frenchy?

JF: Yeah, how do I get into player development?


Hazeleyes said...

Marquis DOES indeed look like Fred Savage on steroids. But he would fit in fine because every year in Metsville is a Wonder Year. As in "I Wonder if this is the Year the team does not implode."

I dread to think about this off-season when evreyone is making bids on the best available players and Omar makes a trade of a bucket of balls for a couple more Great Gazoo helmets and a player who has been dead for 20 years.

number15 said...

the mets are the 'justine' to the league's 'the misfortunes of virtue'. i can't resist any opportunity to make an obscure literary reference

kjs said...

Hell...why stop there? After buying about 40 useless pairs of tickets for this anti-season, I feel like I've been tortured a la "The 120 Days of Sodom."

number15 said...

kjs- your experience has been virtually indistinguishable to theirs

kjs said...

...and the only rational punishment to make up for 2009 is to make the Wilpon Klowns and Muttering Minaya watch "Salo" nonstop this offseason...

Joe Cook said...

You're a bit off, hazeleyes. Minaya wouldn't trade a bucket of balls for those helmets and a dead guy. He would trade what's left of the Mets' farm system for just the dead guy. We don't wanna get greedy going for those helmets. Plus, who knows if the helmets even speak spanish... After all, we see now that they apparently need to fit in with the jerseys of the very-openly "Los Mets" era.