Monday, September 24, 2007

Heaven's Waiting Room

(Metstradamus wakes up in a white room...with lots of chairs, and a perfect view of the clouds and sunbursts.)

MD: What the heck am I doing here? (Looks around) Hey, they've got the current issue of Sports Illustrated. That's a plus.

(Someone enters through the door.)

MD: Hello? What is this place?

Second person: Oh, you're in heaven.

MD: Heaven? Wait...I'm dead?

SP: Well, this isn't exactly heaven. You're in heaven's waiting room.

MD: Waiting room? There's a line?

SP: Not really. You're the only one here, right?

MD: Oh boy. I don't want to die. How did this happen?

SP: Hey, I'm not God, I can't answer everything. What was the last thing you remember?

MD: Well, I was in my friend's car coming home from the Jets game, and he put the end of the Mets game on the radio for me even though he's a Yankee fan.

SP: Wow, he may actually make it up here. Go on.

MD: So the Mets were winning 6-3 against the Marlins when I left the game, but by the time we got to the car it was already 6-5. And I started to feel my chest thumping.

SP: Oh, I see where this is going.

MD: And then the bottom of the ninth came, and Billy Wagner came in to save the game...except that his back had been a little creaky, so he gave up a dinger to Dan Uggla. Then I started to feel faint.

SP: Do you remember anything after that?

MD: Yeah...the third out that Paul Lo Duca dropped to put the winning run on base. After that, the next thing I remember is opening my eyes and being in this room.

SP: Did you feel anything right after that dropped third strike?

MD: You know, I felt like I had enough. Yup, I had enough of these late inning disasters. I felt really faint.

SP: Oh're not dead.

MD: No? Well why am I in a waiting room with a signed picture of St. Peter on the wall?

SP: Well first off, I got the signed St. Peter picture on eBay. But to answer your question my good man, through the course of a baseball season there always comes a time when a fan decides to, how do you say, "check out". They give up. They can't take the drama anymore and go into a baseball coma.

MD: With all due respect, I think you've lost your mind. I've never heard of a baseball coma. Every time I get frustrated, I never end up in a room like this. I just throw something against the wall. I must have had a heart attack!

SP: No, it's baseball coma. Very rarely does a baseball coma involve someone actually losing consciousness. Usually it just involves wandering around the house for 24 hours without sleeping, eating or talking. It doesn't usually happen in a car. You're obviously a rare case. Let me see here, I'm looking through your file...hmmm. It says here you blog about the Mets, right?

MD: That's right.

SP: And you were just at the Jets game, right?

MD: Yeah. They beat Miami, 31-28.

SP: Yeah, but it says here that the game shouldn't have been that close. It was 31-13 with about ten minutes left, yet you almost lost.

MD: Uh-huh...

SP: Yeah, think about it. You're watching a Miami team come back against your New York team, and you're already worried. And meanwhile, you're other New York team is in Miami trying to give this game away. You go to your car, you turn on the radio, and Aaron Heilman is starting to give that lead away. Then Billy Wagner gives up a home run, and that's it. You are obviously undergoing a severe case of "I can't take this anymore." Heck, I don't know if I could take it either.

MD: So I'm fine?

SP: You're gonna be. I just need to double check your paperwork here...oh yes. Here you go. It says here in your file, and I quote, "He has a lot more torture to go in his life...including a particularly bad stretch between now and the beginning of November."

MD: What does that mean?

SP: It means you ain't getting off that easy.

MD: But the beginning of November is the end of the World Series. Am I going to suffer all the way up until Game 7 of the World Series when the Mets win? Am I going to suffer up until Game 7, and they lose? Are the Mets going to miss the playoffs all together and every Yankee fan in the world laughs at me non-stop until the beginning of November when they have their ticker tape parade? Dammit, what else does that file say?

SP: Dude, I can't tell you everything. They'll put me in purgatory!

MD: Well can you at least tell me what's happening down on earth with today's game?

SP: Go ahead and turn it on.

MD: You get WPIX up here?

SP: Metstradamus, this is Heaven. We get everything up here...even Versus.

MD: Wow, this really is heaven. All right let's see, one, one...Aaron Sele's on the mound in a save situation?

SP: Hey, we're winning.

MD: Yeah, but Sele's in the game with a one run lead. We're finished!

SP: Now 'Damus, you're not getting back to earth with that attitude.

MD: But sir, this bullpen is hilariously bad.

SP: Now I don't want to hear any of this. Heaven is a place of faith and if you can't take even a sliver of faith back down to earth then your life will be filled with misery and pain, even through the good times.

MD: Oh, kinda like Jeff Kent?

SP: Yeah, like that.

MD: I guess I see your point.

SP: There you go. Now look up at the screen...what do you see?

MD: I see Scott Schoeneweis on the mound. I see a grounder to first. And I see the Mets win.

SP: Yes.

MD: Scott Schoeneweis. Aaron Sele. Joe Smith. They were all castoffs, and today, when the big boys imploded, these guys were lights out. Hey, I don't understand...

SP: If you truly understood baseball, could you really enjoy it?

MD: I suppose.

SP: Well, look down's time for you to go back. You've got a lot to do.

MD: Oh yeah. I'm waking up. I guess I'll be okay. Hey, somebody's trying to help revive me by sticking a big needle in my chest. Who is that?

SP: Oh, that's Hugh Laurie.

MD: The guy from that show? He really does that stuff in real life?

SP: Metstradamus, you already know too much.

MD: Yeah, I know I'm not going to get a World Series ticket because he's going to be sitting in the front row. He probably doesn't even care about baseball.

SP: Yeah, but he's saving your life so I wouldn't bitch too much.

MD: Hey, I never got your name.

SP: Just call me Anulfo.

MD: Thanks...hey Anulfo, you said "we're" winning. Were you a Mets fan?

SP: Let's just say I was a friend of the program.

MD: How friendly?

SP: Remember 1977?

MD: Not really.

SP: Nobody does anymore. That's all right, you know too much anyway. You'll have the answers all in due time. I will say this: October 23rd, 2017...

MD: Yeah?

SP: It'll be around 11:37 PM...

MD: Yeah? Yeah???

SP: Just remember to duck. I can't say anymore.


katherine said...

If the Mets actually turn this thing around and make the postseason, we should call it "The Yom Kippur Miracle". God must be Jewish, and is smiling on the Mets because Shawn Green did the right thing and chose not to play on Yom Kippur.
So all you Shawn Green detractors, BE QUIET!!

Mike said...

Nicely done, Metstra. But where's the satire? This seems to be realistic, perhaps exactly how yesterday went down.

Anonymous said...

Shalom to Shawn Green and to Katherine. As for God being Jewish if you read half the book you are right on the money. Read the whole book and you will see that God transends religion and underneath his flowing white robes he has a Tug McGraw Mets T-Shirt that reads "You Gotta Believe."

Demitri said...

Gee - who would have thunk that a 2.5 game lead would be described as "breathing room" about 2 weeks ago?

Dan Firrincili said...

Incredible post! And yesterday's was terrific also.

Do you think Gary Cohen reads your blog? Because I was thinking that a lot of clever Mets fans read it, and I can't think of a more clever and public Mets fan to ask about.

Unser said...

Funny stuff MD. Was Willie up there with you in that baseball coma? He certainly looked like he checked out after Uggla's homer off Wagner.

Tonight's a biggie. In Pelfrey we trust.

Krup said...

you, sir, are the only reason why i haven't personally suffered a baseball coma this season. i owe you bigtime...

adam said...

Anulfo... Brilliant. God rest his soul.

beezermess said...

You are on crack....seriously!!!!!!