Itemized

The lords of baseball saw an opportunity to throw some high hard ones by me while I've been away. To that I say, ha! You're going to have to do a lot better than this to get one by me. Besides, I have a team of experts not only finding these stories for me, they read them to me, they explain them to me, they spell out some of the words phonetically to me, and they diffuse bombs in their spare time.

So without further ado, I give you: "The things you've missed while I've been away."

Or is that, "The things I've missed while you've been away?"

Maybe it's "The things that we've all missed while David Wright's been away" ...

Oh, the hell with it, here's some stuff to read:

Item: Scott Kazmir traded to the Angels for two players not named Victor Zambrano.

First person that says "see, told you so" gets a beating. Kazmir for Zambrano: Still the worst trade ever. Anybody who wants me to rehash why it's worse than Ryan for Fregosi is more than welcome to ask.

Here's the funny thing, the Rays trading Kazmir for prospects is a "future" trade. The Mets trading Kazmir for Zambrano was a "now" trade. (Actually, it was a "never" trade.) The Rays are closer to first place "now" than the Mets were "then". Meanwhile, I can't be sure ... but I think Victor rang me up at Old Navy the other day.

Item: Billy Wagner finally gets into a game for Boston, and strikes out three in his inning of work.

Hooray for Country Time. And even though Brian Cashman was probably only doing his due dilligence for claiming Chris Carter on waivers from the Red Sox, and even though keeping Carter from joining the Mets this season in the Wagner trade is probably akin to doing him a favor and keeping him from getting injured ... screw you Cashman. Your team has the best team in baseball and you still have to cause unnecessary problems. We have enough necessary problems, for crissakes.

Surprisingly, it took until Sunday for Billy to get into a game. Apparently, Terry Francona is only allowed to pitch him if he doesn't throw a bullpen session, throw darts against Papelbon, or throw up earlier in the day. So I wasn't able to give you a video of "Enter Sandman" in Fenway Park from Friday. So instead I give you Jason Bay from Friday, for no other reason than to remind Steve Phillips that he traded him for Steve Reed.



Thanks for giving me that initial slice of hell that has been compounded over time.

Item: Catcher Josh Thole to be promoted, may only bat against righties.

Wait, this is the organization that rushes their prospects through the system ... so they could reach the majors and be coddled? Memo to Snoop: your major league catchers can't hit lefties (Santos: .234, Schneider: POINT ZERO ZERO ZERO). I know we're long past the point of managing to win (that point being 2008), but can we use our brains, if only a little bit? The next Joe Mauer could be here in September. Or, the next Joe Mauer could be in somebody else's organization. Or, the next Joe Mauer may be merely a twinkle in some groupie's eye right now. We'll never know for sure, because the Mets will continue to groom players of all shapes and sizes to be nothing more than glorified platoon/utility players, putting them in a box with no hope of breaking out and being more than what they are perceived to be.

Sounds a lot like life ... or at least life in Flushing.

Item: Jeff Kent honored in the Giants Wall of Fame (sent to the home office by Squawker Lisa).

Fans can visit the wall and wash the very motorcycle that Kent claimed to had been washing when he broke his wrist.

Item: Aaron Heilman pitches two innings of shutout baseball against the Mets on Saturday, only giving up one hit.

Seems that Heilman was claimed on waivers by a National League team on Thursday. If the Mets were that team, I'm burning down Citi Field. Immediately.

Triple play? Pshaw. Castillo Schmastillo. This ... is ... rock ... bottom.

Item: Jim Duquette blasts Mets for cancelling their fall instructional league.

Okay, scratch that. This is rock bottom.

And it brings it all full circle, doesn't it? We started with Kazmir, why not end with Duquette? When this is the man that is killing your organization for being cheap, what does that tell you? What does that tell you??? Jim Duquette is throwing tomatoes at you ... with more accuracy than Oliver Perez, at that!

"Now the rumors within the scouting circles are that they can't afford - which it roughly costs about 300 grand to staff and to invite and fly down all the players, to having meals throughout for about, it's like a 4 to 5 week program. It gives you a chance to extend the development of your young players, of your prospects. And they're not gonna have it. They have cancelled it for this fall. And to me, being a development guy, that's big news. If you're development oriented, it's not a good decision in my opinion."

Maybe that's why Thole is only batting against righties ... because they can't afford to develop his batting eye against lefties. Boy oh boy, nothing verifies the myth of a bad farm system like ... not developing your farm system. Thanks, Mr. Wilpon.

In a related story, the Mets have saved millions in salary by trading Danny Meyer to the Padres in exchange for Grimace, the Hamburglar, and a fictional character to be named later. Shake Shack will now serve delicious McDonald's cheeseburgers for the 2010 season.

Smaller Than Life

With the latest technology our crack staff was able to simulate what would have happened if Jeff Kent had just acted like the rookie he was and had just worn the damn clown suit.

Now that he's retired, the question becomes whether Kent is a Hall of Famer. Excuse me for not saying nice things about a guy just because he retired, but when I see a Hall of Famer walking down the street, I'm usually taken aback by somebody who's larger than life. When I see Jeff Kent walk down the street I wonder if my car will be ready at the shop.

Numbers are numbers. And they'll get him in. But when you think of Jeff Kent, what do you think of? Do you think of anything he's done on the baseball field? Or do you think of him falling off his motorcycle and lying about it? Do you think of him fighting with Barry Bonds? Do you think of the clown suit? I mean ... this is a Hall of Famer?

But seriously Jeff, thanks for the memories. And thanks for waiting until leaving Flushing to start knocking in runs and becoming a "Hall of Famer". Maybe now that you're retired you can come back to help christen Citi Field: The House Jeff Kent Had Nothing To Do With.

There's Only One October In Hell Too

You do realize of course that participating in this season's World Series will be one of the following options:

• The Phillies
• Guillermo Mota
• Jeff Kent

That's like a choice between being doused in battery acid, drinking a full bottle of Drano, or driving cross-country with Jerome from Manhattan riding shotgun.

Gee, all we need is for their opponent in Game 1 to be Scott Kazmir for it to officially be the World Series from Hell.

I'll tell you one person that the World Series most likely will not include, and that's Frankie Rodriguez ... who, after getting battered in Game 2 of the ALDS, is looking more and more like he'll fit right in here in Flushing.

***

"It wasn't dirty," he said, initially unwilling to discuss the play. "If that was the case, I would've just bowled him over ..." -Shane Victorino after Game 3 vs. the Brewers

Yeah, this was much better than bowling him over.

Cousin Oliver Redux

Could Brian Stokes have been the key all along?

Now far be it from me to be the one to make excuses for the outfit in the pen and the way they've been going these days. Heck, during the early stages of the Mets' 10-0 lead tonight, when you were thinking if there was anyone out there who thought the Mets' bullpen could blow this lead, the answer was yes ... me! But here's what I'm thinking:

Forget the whole "different roles" thing. That's an excuse. A lame one at that. But could it be ... just maybe ... that the whole reason the bullpen has reaked of fresh roadkill is due to the lack of a long option in the pen?

When Darren Oliver played here in '06, the Mets' record in games he's pitched in was 17-28. Look through his game log and you'll see a lot of the scores of the games he's been in are of the 15-2, 11-3, 10-1 variety. Now, go through this season and check out the boxscores of similar games with similar scores. For example: May 12th against the Nationals, where the game was decided by the sixth inning:

Sosa 1 IP
Sanchez 1 IP
Smith 1 IP
Wagner 1 IP

How about two days earlier, a game which was 10-3 after six innings:

Heilman 1 IP
Feliciano 1 IP
Sosa (Who's this Sosa guy?) 1 IP

Even July 3rd, a game with was 11-0 after five and a half.

Schoeneweis 1 IP
Smith 1 IP

Games like this in 2006 saw Darren Oliver eat inning, after inning, after inning. The above blowouts featured names that would be better serve to use their limited bullets on close games, and not blowouts (though the Heilman appearance was very well one of those "I need to find my game" appearances. Apparently, he lost it again.)

Tonight was one of those games that you knew was going to be a patchwork bullpen game with John Maine restricted in his first game back from his shoulder issue. And in a game without Brian Stokes, even with the score 10-0 (which would end 12-0) you would have seen Schoeneweis pitch an inning ... Filthy pitch an inning ... Smith pitch an inning ... heck, Jorge Sosa could have come in tonight just for laughs (Sosa is in the Seattle organization, in case you were wondering. I know you weren't. Heck, I wasn't until I was looking through old boxscores. How did I miss Jorge Sosa going to Seattle? Or should the question be: How could I not?)

But with Stokes on the roster, he fills the Darren Oliver role and gives the rest of the beleaguered some rest by pitching four innings and getting a save in a 12-0 game. And now I'm wondering if there's a way to keep Stokes on the roster when Country Time comes back. Which of course, there is ... with Eddie Kunz eligible to be sent down, and Fluff Castro probably overdue for a spot on the D.L.

And speaking of bullpens, notice how the Phillies bullpen melted late for the second night in a row? Yes, I felt dirty rooting for Chan Ho Park. Dirtier still rooting for Joe Torre. And dirtiest of all when Jeff Kent was up with the Dodgers down by two runs and second and third, and he lined one down the left field line to tie the game which was met with "Yes! Jeff!" A swear which was quickly followed by "I still hate you Jeff!!!", which is the baseball equivalent of blessing yourself after you swear which is what my grandmother did a lot ... thank you, Nana!

But we'll have to send the Dodgers some sort of bouquet of flowers of some sort for sweeping the Phillies and helping the Mets climb back into a tie for first. Hopefully Manny doesn't think it's lettuce and mistakenly eats it. Thank you, Nomar.

The Light In Your Eyes

Ryan Church looked up to admire his home run on Sunday.

While looking up, he saw lights.

After he saw lights, he was still able to touch every base while trotting around the bases, and run in a straight line.

I'd say those symptoms, like that Hiroki Kuroda pitch, are long gone.

Good health to you going forward, Mr. Church. Hopefully, the flight that you're probably on as I type this, doesn't mess you up like your previous two.

Also, some random thoughts to follow you to California:

Were you surprised that Johan Santana is only up to win number 100? I sure as hell was. (By the way, Santana is now 7-3, 3.20 after 12 starts. After 12 starts last season: 6-5, 3.30. Yeah, he's really not the same, right ... ESPN?)

Do you get the feeling that if there is a Mets vs. Dodgers playoff series that the pitching probables would look like this:

• Game One: J. Santana vs. H. Kuo


• Game Two: J. Maine vs. H. Kuo


• Game Three: P. Martinez vs. H. Kuo


• Game Four: O. Perez vs. H. Kuo

This must be the real reason Don Mattingly is no longer traveling with the club as a coach: because he's in some laboratory in Evansville trying to figure out a way to clone Hong-Chih Kuo nine times by October.

Forget Mike Piazza, if Jeff Kent (who was drilled again today by Joe Smith proving once again that Joe Smith is my hero) is such a shoo-in for the hall of fame as our broadcast crew seems to think, what cap does he wear? What do you think of him as? And is there a club that would be proud to have Jeff Kent immortalized in its cap? And is it wrong for me to associate him most strongly as being the whiny crybaby he was with the Mets? Can we put Jeff Kent in the Hall of Fame with a Met cap just to give me a good laugh every day when I wake up in the morning?

But seriously: If Jeff Kent gets into a Hall of Fame that is without Gil Hodges, I'd crawl into a grave just so I could spin.

All right, now that I've horrified you all, allow me to bring a little light back into your eyes:

Heaven's Waiting Room

(Metstradamus wakes up in a white room...with lots of chairs, and a perfect view of the clouds and sunbursts.)

MD: What the heck am I doing here? (Looks around) Hey, they've got the current issue of Sports Illustrated. That's a plus.

(Someone enters through the door.)

MD: Hello? What is this place?

Second person: Oh, you're in heaven.

MD: Heaven? Wait...I'm dead?

SP: Well, this isn't exactly heaven. You're in heaven's waiting room.

MD: Waiting room? There's a line?

SP: Not really. You're the only one here, right?

MD: Oh boy. I don't want to die. How did this happen?

SP: Hey, I'm not God, I can't answer everything. What was the last thing you remember?

MD: Well, I was in my friend's car coming home from the Jets game, and he put the end of the Mets game on the radio for me even though he's a Yankee fan.

SP: Wow, he may actually make it up here. Go on.

MD: So the Mets were winning 6-3 against the Marlins when I left the game, but by the time we got to the car it was already 6-5. And I started to feel my chest thumping.

SP: Oh, I see where this is going.

MD: And then the bottom of the ninth came, and Billy Wagner came in to save the game...except that his back had been a little creaky, so he gave up a dinger to Dan Uggla. Then I started to feel faint.

SP: Do you remember anything after that?

MD: Yeah...the third out that Paul Lo Duca dropped to put the winning run on base. After that, the next thing I remember is opening my eyes and being in this room.

SP: Did you feel anything right after that dropped third strike?

MD: You know, I felt like I had enough. Yup, I had enough of these late inning disasters. I felt really faint.

SP: Oh Metstradamus...you're not dead.

MD: No? Well why am I in a waiting room with a signed picture of St. Peter on the wall?

SP: Well first off, I got the signed St. Peter picture on eBay. But to answer your question my good man, through the course of a baseball season there always comes a time when a fan decides to, how do you say, "check out". They give up. They can't take the drama anymore and go into a baseball coma.

MD: With all due respect, I think you've lost your mind. I've never heard of a baseball coma. Every time I get frustrated, I never end up in a room like this. I just throw something against the wall. I must have had a heart attack!

SP: No, it's baseball coma. Very rarely does a baseball coma involve someone actually losing consciousness. Usually it just involves wandering around the house for 24 hours without sleeping, eating or talking. It doesn't usually happen in a car. You're obviously a rare case. Let me see here, I'm looking through your file...hmmm. It says here you blog about the Mets, right?

MD: That's right.

SP: And you were just at the Jets game, right?

MD: Yeah. They beat Miami, 31-28.

SP: Yeah, but it says here that the game shouldn't have been that close. It was 31-13 with about ten minutes left, yet you almost lost.

MD: Uh-huh...

SP: Yeah, think about it. You're watching a Miami team come back against your New York team, and you're already worried. And meanwhile, you're other New York team is in Miami trying to give this game away. You go to your car, you turn on the radio, and Aaron Heilman is starting to give that lead away. Then Billy Wagner gives up a home run, and that's it. You are obviously undergoing a severe case of "I can't take this anymore." Heck, I don't know if I could take it either.

MD: So I'm fine?

SP: You're gonna be. I just need to double check your paperwork here...oh yes. Here you go. It says here in your file, and I quote, "He has a lot more torture to go in his life...including a particularly bad stretch between now and the beginning of November."

MD: What does that mean?

SP: It means you ain't getting off that easy.

MD: But the beginning of November is the end of the World Series. Am I going to suffer all the way up until Game 7 of the World Series when the Mets win? Am I going to suffer up until Game 7, and they lose? Are the Mets going to miss the playoffs all together and every Yankee fan in the world laughs at me non-stop until the beginning of November when they have their ticker tape parade? Dammit, what else does that file say?

SP: Dude, I can't tell you everything. They'll put me in purgatory!

MD: Well can you at least tell me what's happening down on earth with today's game?

SP: Go ahead and turn it on.

MD: You get WPIX up here?

SP: Metstradamus, this is Heaven. We get everything up here...even Versus.

MD: Wow, this really is heaven. All right let's see, one, one...Aaron Sele's on the mound in a save situation?

SP: Hey, we're winning.

MD: Yeah, but Sele's in the game with a one run lead. We're finished!

SP: Now 'Damus, you're not getting back to earth with that attitude.

MD: But sir, this bullpen is hilariously bad.

SP: Now I don't want to hear any of this. Heaven is a place of faith and if you can't take even a sliver of faith back down to earth then your life will be filled with misery and pain, even through the good times.

MD: Oh, kinda like Jeff Kent?

SP: Yeah, like that.

MD: I guess I see your point.

SP: There you go. Now look up at the screen...what do you see?

MD: I see Scott Schoeneweis on the mound. I see a grounder to first. And I see the Mets win.

SP: Yes.

MD: Scott Schoeneweis. Aaron Sele. Joe Smith. They were all castoffs, and today, when the big boys imploded, these guys were lights out. Hey, I don't understand...

SP: If you truly understood baseball, could you really enjoy it?

MD: I suppose.

SP: Well, look down there...it's time for you to go back. You've got a lot to do.

MD: Oh yeah. I'm waking up. I guess I'll be okay. Hey, somebody's trying to help revive me by sticking a big needle in my chest. Who is that?

SP: Oh, that's Hugh Laurie.

MD: The guy from that show? He really does that stuff in real life?

SP: Metstradamus, you already know too much.

MD: Yeah, I know I'm not going to get a World Series ticket because he's going to be sitting in the front row. He probably doesn't even care about baseball.

SP: Yeah, but he's saving your life so I wouldn't bitch too much.

MD: Hey, I never got your name.

SP: Just call me Anulfo.

MD: Thanks...hey Anulfo, you said "we're" winning. Were you a Mets fan?

SP: Let's just say I was a friend of the program.

MD: How friendly?

SP: Remember 1977?

MD: Not really.

SP: Nobody does anymore. That's all right, you know too much anyway. You'll have the answers all in due time. I will say this: October 23rd, 2017...

MD: Yeah?

SP: It'll be around 11:37 PM...

MD: Yeah? Yeah???

SP: Just remember to duck. I can't say anymore.

That's A Mighty Big Neck To Step On

Willie Randolph: "What have I constantly told you guys about stepping on a team's necks?"

David Wright: "We tried skip. But the first neck I tried to step on was David Wells' neck, and it's so big I think I sprained my ankle."

But really...when the following happened, the Mets kinda deserved to lose.

Good news on Jeff Kent's condition after being beaned in the head: He's fine. He just thinks it's 1992, and refuses to wear a clown suit. Dodger officials don't understand what that means.

Interesting time to get revenge for Hong-Chih Kuo's bat flip, eh? (Or maybe it was revenge for Kent's Met career. Now that we know that nothing's broken, I can safely say the following: Screw you, Jeff.)

The Hate List Hall of Fame

You have spoken, Mets faithful. And it's official:

You love the hate list.

First off, let's give credit where credit is due. The hate list is a subconscious derivative of the "a-hole of the moment" feature from the Dodger Blues website. For those of you who think I'm funny, trust me; I don't hold a candle to these guys. Check 'em out.

Your adoration for the hate list got me thinking...if I really applied myself, I could put together a whole 25 man roster just of players that I hate (25 years of angst can't be narrowed down to just one player). And what can be better than that? I mean, people love to hate, right? ESPN dedicated a whole article on hate.

I live by the axiom: "Give the people what they want." So on this off day, I'm giving you what you want: HATE, and lots of it. Here now, my 25 man roster for the Metstradamus Hall of Hate:

Catcher: Mike Scioscia/Dodgers Catcher is a tough position to call...I have tremendous respect for catchers. And there aren't a lot of catchers that are societal freaks and curmudgeons. So it came down to one thing to get Scioscia on this list. Game 4, 1988 NLCS. It was cold...bitter cold. And Scioscia's HR ensured that I would sit in the upper deck for three more innings and watch the Mets lose.

First Base: Jeff Kent/Many Teams Kent has played some first base so he goes here to make room for my hall of fame second baseman. It didn't help that Kent came in the David Cone deal (another great Mets trade). His refusal to wear the clown outfit for rookie initiation exposed him as a sociopath. Then started his assault on hall of fame numbers after he leaves. And his fake Texas accent ticks me off. The man with the porn star mustache is from California for heaven's sake! The only time I ever rooted for Barry Bonds was in his dugout fight with Kent.

Second Base: Robby Alomar/Mets From day one, was not excited about being a Met...complaining about Mark Shapiro and how Cleveland mistreated him, then near the end complained that he didn't have a reason to come to the ballpark. Boo hoo. I'll forever love Roger Cedeno for teasing Alomar about his baseball card and causing Alomar to expose himself as a thin-skinned crybaby.

Shortstop: Rey Ordonez/Mets Another tough position to call, but when you call Met fans "too stupid", you zoom to the top of the list...especially when it's the only time in seven years that you decided to speak english to reporters. (Derek Jeter should get a special mention here, but I hate more what he represents and the elevated status he gets from the New York press at the expense at the rest of the Yankees roster, than the man himself. I won't even mention how Jeter's whole legacy started on a home run that should have been an out.)

Third Base: Larry Jones/Braves He could be the utility man of the group, since he can play short and left field as well. But I have lots of outfielders for this team and not really anyone else at third. Larry, who said that Met fans would go home and put on their Yankee gear, and named his child Shea for crying out loud, is the clear cut winner at third.

Left Field: Vince Coleman/Cardinals and Mets For those who are only old enough to remember Brave hate, in the mid 80's there was Cardinals hate...now that was hate. Coleman was one of the pesky punch and judy slap hitters that drove the Mets nuts...then came to the Mets and was useless. On top of that, he threw firecrackers at children, thought that playing on grass would keep him out of the hall of fame, and didn't know who Jackie Robinson was! What a role model.

Center Field: Ken Griffey Jr./Reds Turns down a trade to the Mets in 2000 so he can go home to Cincinnati. After that, can't stay healthy, and misses out on the Subway Series that he could have been the difference for. Karma's a bitch, aint it Junior?

Right Field: Bobby Bonilla/Mets Do you realize that from 2011 to 2035, Bobby Bonilla will be receiving checks from the Mets to finish the big contract he signed? And for what? For being the centerpiece of the worst team in history? For daring reporters to knock the smile off his face? For threatening to show a reporter the Bronx? For playing cards with Rickey Henderson during Game 6 of the 1999 NLCS?

Righty Ace: Roger Clemens/Yankees "I thought it was the ball." Jackass!

Lefty Ace: Mike Hampton/Rockies The inspiration for this article. (Editor's note: Great catch as usual by Matt Cerrone where the compensatory pick from Hampton's departure turned into David Wright. That's some silver lining. However, I will continue to enjoy the Mets bashing his brains in at every opportunity).

Third Starter: Mike Scott/Astros While a Met, was dubbed "The Human White Flag". Then waits until he leaves to learn to cheat. Was the MVP of the 1986 NLCS for cheating in games 1 and 4.

Fourth Starter: John Tudor/Cardinals One of the best lines I ever read about a pitcher, and I can't remember where it was from, was that "John Tudor always looks like he's pitching right after a root canal surgery". Priceless.

Fifth Starter: David Wells/Yankees It takes a lot to make this team without having any direct connections with the Mets, but Wells does it. But he makes the list because he says stupid things like "If I were Kenny Rogers, I would have done the same thing", then proceeds to know why the cameraman was winking. I could sit here and say that Wells is really brave when it comes to talking to the media about such things, and that I bet he wouldn't have the guts to go up to the cameraman and tell him what he thinks...and that Wells is one of those guys who purposely takes the controversial side so he can be "hip and edgy" so he can have a permanent place on the panel of "The Best Damn Sports Show, Period" when he retires. But I don't know Wells personally, so I would never say such things. And until Wells gets to know this cameraman personally, the fat drunk should butt out!

Righty Closer: Armando Benitez/Mets Has the intestinal fortitude of a marshmallow. Can't win a big game, whines that the media only talks to him when he loses, and only throws at a hitter because he hits him well (a la Clemens).

Lefty Closer: John Rocker/Braves You know why. I'm not going to insult your intelligence by expounding any further.

Middle Relief: Donne Wall/Mets Gives up a home run to Jason Jennings in Jennings' first ever game. I spent the next half inning heckling him mercilessly. There's a good story that goes with this, but I have to save some stuff for posting in the off-season when it's slow.

Middle Relief: Mike Stanton/Yankees and Mets Those of you who read regularly know that I can't stand Mike Stanton. It's not only the fact that Stanton was an important cog on the great Yankee teams and gave up three run HR's to the likes of Endy Chavez as a Met, but during the post game celebration after the 2000 World Series, Stanton actually bothered to spray champagne at the TV screen in the clubhouse when Bobby Valentine was doing a post game interview. I wanted no part of him after that. And not only that, Stanton was the guy who whined and bitched that the Mets were too public with their 9/11 charity work (thank you darth marc for reminding me of that). Only Mike Stanton could take a horrible tragedy and use it as a point for Yankee/Met propaganda. Good job, you're a class act. Now go have a another McRib.

Middle Relief: Mike DeJean/Mets An awful, awful pitcher. But that alone usually doesn't get you on this team...Mike DeJean pulled a Bobby Bonilla and complained to the official scorer about charging David Wright with an error so his ERA would go down from 800 to 799.90. David Wright is the future of the franchise and Mike DeJean is a washed up reliever who once argued with his manager on the mound for all to see. But DeJean felt it necessary to throw Wright under a bus. Nice.

Bench: Brian Jordan/Braves When he was traded away from Atlanta for Gary Sheffield, I thought the Mets got the best end of the deal...they wouldn't see Brian Jordan 19 times a year.

Bench: Eddie Perez/Braves This team needs a catcher, and Eddie Perez is one of those guys that chirps when a pitcher throws a ball one inch inside.

Bench: Pat Burrell/Phillies Why he turns into a monster at Shea is beyond me.

Bench: Terry Pendleton/Cardinals September 11th, 1987 may be the most heartbreaking game I've ever been to at Shea. Two outs, two strikes, ninth inning, Mets up by two runs with Roger McDowell on the mound and one strike away from cutting the Cardinals' lead in the division to a mere half game...Terry Pendleton moves up in the box to jack a sinker out to center field to tie the game. Then after getting two runners on for Keith Hernandez in the bottom of the inning, he grounded out to first and the Cards won it in the 10th. It's generally regarded as the game which cemented the pennant for the Cardinals. Once again, there's a great story that accompanies this game, but I'm not emptying my chamber at this point. Let's just say that Pendleton home run caused many a fan to go home with sore bones for years after.

Bench: Pedro Guerrero/Dodgers You may think Pedro makes the list solely for throwing his bat at David Cone after being hit with a curveball, but before a 1988 game at Shea Stadium, Pedro Guerrero made an effort to sign every program down the third base line...and skipped me! Yeah, this one's a little personal but, my team...my rules.

Bench: Jose Vizcaino/Yankees Remember that game winning hit in game one of the World Series that the traitor was responsible for? Well Vizcaino received the ball from either a fan or a stadium type, but Vizcaino lost the ball in the glove compartment of a rented car. It's a small victory, but I still hate him.

Bench: Juan Gonzalez/Rangers "I want to be a Met" he says before he decides to sign with the Rangers. He's played 186 games in the three and 1/2 seasons since his last minute change of heart. See: "Ken Griffey Jr."

Manager: Whitey Herzog/Cardinals As I have said before, before Braves hate, there was Cardinals hate. And the personification of Cardinals hate was their manager, Whitey Herzog. His nickname, "The White Rat" was fitting. I can't think of any more fitting punishment for him than to manage this bunch.

Bench Coach: Art Howe/Mets Here is all you need to know about Art Howe: August 29th, 2004, after basically being asleep the entire season, wakes up in time to pull off his greatest managerial feat in his Met career...he plays the infield in with a runner on third base with the score 8-1 Dodgers. As you know, a 7 run lead with one out in the eighth is fine, but an eight run lead in the eighth is insurmountable. (Otherwise known as "WHY?") Steve Finley singled to center to drive in the run, and put the game away.

Bench Coach: Dallas Green/Mets There are many others you can make a case for here, Buddy Harrelson and Jeff Torborg come to mind. And while I see the arguments I go with Dallas Green for basically throwing away Jeromy Burnitz and ruining Generation K by pitching them into the ground.

General Manager: Al Harazin/Mets Oh lord Harazin was beyond bad...he wasn't even a baseball guy, he was a lawyer posing as a baseball man. I think he's actually teaching a law class now. This was the man that not only wheeled David Cone, but put together that awful 1993 team. Frank Tanana? Tony Fernandez? Butch Huskey? Harazin wins...hands down!

Uniforms: 1993 Mets home uniforms The official wardrobe of failure.

Close runner up: The 1988-1992 Mets road unis. When the Mets went to a script "New York" for the roadies during the 1987 season, Wally Backman had mentioned that the best part about the new unis was that the letters weren't in block form to look like the Yankees. So what do the Mets do in 1988? They go with the Yankee style block letters. Thanks for listening.