No Fights (Or Fight) On Picture Day

You want the Mets to acknowledge their history? Then we should have had Keith Hernandez and Darryl Strawberry go at it on picture day. Not like they haven't done it before, right? It's the 20th anniversary, for heaven's sake! They could have worn big oversized boxing gloves or something, or they could have played Wii Resort or something.

Instead, we live in a kinder, gentler time where Keith is preparing for a broadcast with Ron Darling and without Gary Cohen. And the only consternation happening on picture day these days is Jose Reyes complaining about people who think he's dogging it in his rehab. You know, they don't make photo day controversies like they did twenty years ago.

They also don't make first basemen like they did 20 years ago. With Keith in the broadcast booth, it was up to Daniel Murphy to man the area. He didn't fight anybody, but he also didn't catch David Wright's questionable throw to complete a double play and end the first inning. Instead, a 1-0 deficit turned into a 4-0 hole as Cody Ross hit a three run jack to make Wright, Murphy, and Pat Misch all pay for their individual indiscretions.

And since then, the baseball was kinda flat as the Mets slept through a 6-3 loss to the Marlins, which probably caused more indigestion than the free hot dogs that the Mets gave out on Wednesday. Bobby Ojeda wondered after the game why the Mets weren't motivated to beat the Marlins who knocked them out of the playoffs the last two seasons? The answer is probably the same as the one to the question "Why weren't the Mets motivated to beat the Marlins and keep them from knocking the Mets out of the playoffs?" That answer being, "How the &%$# do I know?" Hell, if I knew that I'd be the GM of this nonsense. Yeah, some of the players have returned from those last two collapses, but a lot of the players weren't even around for '07 and '08. If the players that were around aren't going to be that motivated, how can we expect Elmer Dessens to be motivated?

Funny thing is, Dessens has been the fantastic one this series, saving a run on a botched throw home by backing up the plate, and he pitched two scoreless innings. Maybe he is the motivated one.

(Editor's note: Keith and Ron minus Gary was very good tonight. I'm kinda diggin' these new combinations they're trying out while they continue to give us reasons to hold our interest. Keith and Ron without Gary is like having peanut butter and jelly without the bread. You can eat peanut butter and jelly with your fingers, and it will still taste very good. The bread holds the two together and makes the eating experience not only tasty, but neat. But I kinda like eating with my fingers too.)

Maybe they'll try some new things in the booth going forward this season. They've tried all their existing combinations. Perhaps next they can have me team with Gary Cohen for a broadcast ... Oh, sorry. The object is to hold their interest, not drive them away. If me talking about the Mets seems like a good idea to you, then you should seek help. But also, come to Amazin Tuesday at Two Boots Tavern this coming Tuesday where I'll be part of a star studded panel which will include accomplished authors such as Jon Springer, Greg Prince, and Jeff Pearlman. They'll probably perform readings from their critically acclaimed books. I'll be holding up photoshopped images of Mike Pelfrey as a Peanuts character. Yeah, I'm bringing a lot to the table. But come anyway, because despite my appearance, this event is going to rock the house. And the pizza will be tasty.

(By the way, did you realize that going into Wednesday, which was 09-09-09, that the Mets "tragic number" of losses and Phillies wins which would total elimination was nine? Yeah, very funny, baseball gods.)

The Florida Marlins: Behind The Blow

Well, another red letter season has come do an end (and that red letter is F ... I'll let you figure out what that stands for.) And believe it or not, I still have s**t to say. The following is one in a series of random stuff I'm throwing against the wall about person or persons of my choosing. These are your New York Mets: Behind the Blow.

Somebody asked me if I was going to put the Marlins organization on the ballot for the annual Hall of Hate vote in 2009, after knocking out the Mets in 2007 and 2008. I can't do it ... because in '09, they end the season in Philadelphia instead of New York. So we might need them.

Now when they inevitably lie down and die against Philly to give them their third straight division title, then I'll think about it.

By the way, the Marlins have re-signed Wes Helms. I just thought I would mention that.

For close to four full seasons, I've tried like hell to point out the crimes of baseball: Suit-wearing casual fans invading ballparks. Shane Victorino being the Theo Fleury of baseball. Brett Myers hating the Mets and being an otherwise pillar of society. Cody Ross waiting to yell at Mike Pelfrey until he was a safe distance away from him. Hanley Ramirez and his intense jealousy about New York that festers into hate. Wallace Matthews' writing about the Mets as if he's that kid who's three feet shorter than you that keeps daring you to hit him.

Baseball criminals all.

But the worst part about the Mets spitting the bit two years in the row is that I can't keep the criminals out anymore. They've stormed the castle and they're drinking our alcohol. And I have nary the energy to argue with them anymore. Shane Victorino? You're not obnoxious at all ... you're gritty and gutty. Myers? You are a pillar of society. Cody Ross? Yeah, you're absolutely right ... how dare Mike Pelfrey's fastball run inside. Hanley Ramirez? Yeah, those days where you have hundreds and not thousands of fans at your football stadium? New York's fault ... totally. Wallace Matthews? You're completely writing what's in your heart, and not trying to break records for negative comments ... totally. Jimmy Rollins? You're right. Baseball needs more robots. How dare we show emotion? Bandwagon fans who get their tickets for free and know nothing about what they're watching? Sure, pose for pictures during play and block my view. What do I care? I'm just a paying customer ... which is latin for "sucker".

Though I will say that the new shirt that the Marlins are selling on their website has gone a little too far.

Also available in black or teal.

(Updated Editor's note: And with this, the venom is back. Because we need Joba Chamberlain's f***ing hat in the hall of fame to encourage the bloated legacy of a guy who hasn't pitched 150 innings in his career ... but he's a Yankee so let's all bow!!! But before you get upset about the lack of items from Shea Stadium's last game in comparison to all the Yankee items, don't be so sure that the Mets hadn't sold everything to the highest bidder already.)

The Good, The Bad, And The Certifiable

Simple. Ready:

• The Mets are good.
• The Nationals are bad.
• Elijah Dukes is insane.

And not the good kind of insane like Carlos Delgado's been for the Mets lately. No, Elijah Dukes is that special kind of crazy. Look, here are my simple rules for anger management at the plate:

• If you feel that a pitch hurled your way had the intent of ending your life, or costing you money come contract time by breaking an important bone, then by all means ... charge the mound and get down.
• If it's not quite that bad, then shut up and get in the batters box for the next pitch.

It really is that simple. Stop with this bat wagging "I'm gonna get you" staredowns, especially if the pitch comes inside and doesn't even hit you. Like I always say: Don't sing it, bring it. But no, Dukes apparently goes to the Cody Ross school of solving disputes and is willing to let someone get in front of him before he gets tough. And it's not like Dukes is 5'9" like Ross is ... in fact, Dukes could floss with the treehouse that Ross lives in since Dukes is like, six foot twelve. But apparently as a general rule, he doesn't fight anyone taller than Cody Ross.

But giving the "crotch chop" to fans in the stands for booing him is fair game. Nice job, X-Pac. You may stand tall, but you still have to stand on your toes to get a peek at fourth place ... so make a chant out of that with the rest of your softball girls.

And don't think it's a coincidence that after Dukes had to be calmed down like an overactive child for five minutes, Pelfrey all of a sudden couldn't find his game ... no doubt thrown out of rhythm by Elijah's little hissyfit. Luckily he withstood the Nationals' ongoing "dead cat bounce" and escaped the game after five innings with a 7-5 lead. But then ...

"You know, it's getting really f***ing expensive to keep throwing gasoline on all these fires."

When you come into a game, walk the leadoff batter, and then let the likes of Emilio Bonifacio have ten pitch at-bats off you, you are asking for trouble. I mean, Emilio Bonifacio is just Michael Bourn with a higher average and a cooler name, and Aaron Heilman's nibbling? Nibbling??!? Heilman would then proceed to give up a bomb to Cristian Guzman and couldn't even finish the sixth inning.

And I'll maintain that Heilman was only in the game tonight because the pen was extended a bit Tuesday night and that Pelfrey couldn't get himself to the sixth (probably because the Mets didn't want to extend him in another Nats/Mets slugfest.) Snoop Manuel has been reluctant to put Heilman into key spots lately, and that mistrust ... along with ten pitch at-bats to Emilio Bonifacio and bombs to Cristian Guzman ... is going to wind up keeping Heilman off the postseatson roster (and cinch the Manager of the Year award for Manuel). Store that in your mind's Rolodex.

(Editor's note: If that's the case, why haven't we seen Al Reyes yet ... just for a look?)

But once again, the Mets had the bat out again for 13 runs in their 13-10 win (they would have kicked that other extra point but, you know ... Mike Nugent was hurt), helped out by the fact that Lastings Milledge was playing center field somewhere on Parsons Blvd. and base hit after base hit in the seventh inning was falling in front of him (not to mention Guzman's error which went into center field where it took Carlos Beltran five seconds to realize the ball was in center ... and still had time to go to third because Milledge was playing Daniel Murphy to hit it to the chop shops.)

And kudos to David Wright not only for going 4-for-4 and smacking a dinger to give the Mets breathing room in the 8th, but for wearing his cape in the sixth and coming from nowhere to field Wil Nieves' topper off Joe Smith's glove in the seventh and bare-handing the play to nail him. To me, easily ... Wright's highlight of the night. Considering he had three sparklers and four hits, that's saying something.

***

Thursday is an off-day in Metland ... but the Phillies and Brewers kick off a super-cool four game set that either brings the Phillies close to the wild card, or knocks them out of the box completely. So here's what I'm thinking: If you guys ... you loyal readers ... want it, I'll put together a live blog of the Phillies/Brewers game so that instead of following it on Yahoo! or something, we can have a little Internet party here on the blog and have some fun following the enemy. I'm usually not feeling a live blog for a Mets game ... you're all watching it anyway, typing would be a waste of time for you. But for an out of town game, maybe you want a different and strange way of following it. So why not follow it here?

So for you guys that don't have the MLB package, or even for you guys who do, and are into this, just give me a "hell yeah" in the comment section, and if there's enough yes votes, I'll set it up and we'll make an appointment for a 7:00 enemy live blog right here. The ball's in your court.

Get Outta My Head

You ever get the feeling that people are surfing the personal internet that's inside your brain?

Like when earlier today I had been perusing the bullpen statistics ... specifically the splits of the main bullpen culprits, er ... I mean pitchers, and found the following:

Schoeneweis:
.151/.224 vs. Left (Avg/OBP against)
.330/.426 vs. Right

Feliciano:
.207/.269 vs. Left
.344/.427 vs. Right

Smith:
.203/.288 vs. Right
.311/.426 vs. Left

Heilman:
.215/.320 vs. Right
.310/.401 vs. Left

Stokes:
.175/.175 vs. Right
.371/.421 vs. Left

And I'm thinking: "Ooh, I can put these splits in my back pocket and spring 'em in a future post dissecting the bullpen. It'll be great, they'll never expect me to go all statistical on 'em, they'll just expect another Robby Alomar joke. Oh, It'll be great."

So what do you think happens? Of course, SNY breaks out the lefty/righty split graphic during Tuesday's game ensuring that I'll just look like a copycat fool when my master bullpen dissection comes out. The one time I get all stat geek and it's ruined ... ruined I say!

But it doesn't take a genius, a stat geek, or a Mets television network to point out what's so wrong with this bullpen and why it needs to be revamped next season: Everybody in the pen is a specialist. Schoeneweis, Heilman, Smith and Feliciano ... when used right ... should be guys who are facing one or two batters. The Mets don't really have anybody who could face anybody. Except ...

The one guy who's splits were on the SNY graphic didn't belong:

Sanchez:
.261/.331 vs. Right
.217/.314 vs. Left

That's a weird one because his numbers are slightly worse against righties, correct? And the OBP againsts are similar against both lefties and righties. It doesn't make much sense. But the splits get more normal when you go back to his salad year of '06:

.179/.266 vs. Right
.276/.362 vs. Left

So even Sanchez falls along that specialist line. But he's been an eighth inning guy before, so one would think it would be imperative for him to somehow regain a little of that '06 magic if this bullpen is going to last to and through October without dropping dead.

Until then, we'll take ninth innings like Tuesday night, where Stokes put a runner on (after two solid innings) before Feliciano got the lefty Prince Fielder to double himself up, and Smith came in to wipe out Corey Hart and give the Mets an opportunity to win the game in the tenth.

Ayala:
.291/.333 vs. Right
.259/.341 vs. Left
.241/.301 with nobody on
.321/.379 with runners on

If Luis Ayala could stop giving up rallies with two outs (started by guys who look like Bob Hamelin's distant relatives), he could be a guy who could not only close, but could slide into an eighth inning role if/when Country Time comes back.

***

Jon Niese's scouting reports says that he likes to compete, which basically makes him the anti-Steve Trachsel.

Niese gave up five runs in three plus innings against the Brewers tonight in his major league debut ... which is two innings more than Trachsel lasted in Game 3 of the 2006 NLCS.

Basically, when you talk about a full list of Met pitchers from best to worst, all you have to do is just kinda show up and you'll surpass Trachsel.

***

And by the way, if you're interested in reading about Cody Ross popping off some more on Mike Pelfrey, then you should check this out. Try not to giggle uncontrollably.

Pacifiers For Everyone

All right, our bullpen is awful. Yada, yada, yada. We know this. We know that the force of Mike Jacobs' home run was enough to knock Gustav down to a Category 2. We know this. I for one am not going to let Saturday's loss distract me from my focus right now ... and that's this:

Cody Ross needs to shut the f**k up.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I'm in the midst of working five straight holiday shifts and I'm kinda in a mood. So I'm taking my anger out on Cody Ross. Displaced anger? Probably. Sound familiar? Yeah, kind of like Cody Ross got unnecessarily uppity at Mike Pelfrey for hitting him with a fastball that ran inside while Ross was on top of the plate?

Oh, and then to top it off, wait to yell at Pelfrey until there were people in between Ross and the much bigger Pelfrey (they do call him "Big Pelf" for a reason)? Oh, what bravery. I mean, look at the picture above ... Cody's gotta get on his tippy toes to yell at Pelfrey. Dude, trust me ... if Pelfrey wanted to hit him, he'd know it.

I don't know what made Cody Ross upset, and frankly ... I could care less. He's just another one of the many whiny hypocrites we have here in the NL East. This division is flippin' loaded with them. Let's start with Jimmy Rollins and his constant yammering about how the Mets celebrate. Does it get play? Of course it did. It's fun to pick on the Mets for celebrating. But let me ask you this, is there anybody out there who noticed J.C. Romero stepping off the mound pounding his chest like King Kong ain't got nothin' on him after striking out Geovany Soto Saturday in the eighth inning? I sure as hell did. But you're not going to hear anybody complain about that, are you? So I'm the one that's going to have to do it. So settle down, Denzel. And the next time Rollins complains about the Mets celebrating, I'd be glad to show him the tape of his friend and teammate.

And much the same, nobody is going to take Cody Ross to task for his little fake temper tantrum on Saturday, so again ... I gotta be the one to do it. Obviously, Ross was waiting for Miguel Olivo to race out of the dugout and come to his defense ... not realizing that Olivo is in Kansas City with his own anger management issues. But to no avail. Then he goes and gets picked off (no truth to the rumor that Carlos Delgado was heard asking "Hey, Cody, tell me how my glove tastes" after that pick-off) and he wasn't a factor after that during the game.

Trust me, I know we lost. My anger towards Ross is magnified by my resentment of the Mets bullpen right now for making everything I wrote above basically toothless because they went and blew the game. But to me, hypocrisy is a bigger issue than one game. So thank you for letting me vent (because nobody else will). Now I can sleep easy.