I ... Hate ... Everything About You

I knew it was a bad sign when Brian Bannister, who was a Met many moons ago, turned in a dazzling start for the Royals today while the Mets have been struggling to find starters who could give any sort of consistant effort. If John Maine had turned in an acceptable effort, there would have been no need to invoke Bannister's name (or image).

Instead, Maine gives up eight runs in three innings en route (or is that rout) to an 11-3 loss in Denver ... and I start to long for pitchers from a bygone era.

After the game, Maine said that he "hates everything about himself." (And you thought it was just the fans who are self-loathing.) Forget his starting spot being in jeopardy, Maine sounds like somebody that could use a lesson in how to love himself again ... in the minor leagues.

Bobby Jones did it.

Steve Trachsel did it.

Both came out of it for the better. If Maine's delivery is in fact all over the place, then he needs to go somewhere and figure it out. A little scary since he recently came off a period of time that was invented for "figuring it out" (you know this as "spring training"). But in this, the most important April road trip in the history of April road trips, the Mets can't afford to let him figure it out against the Rockies, Albert Pujols, Howard and Utley, or the '79 Pirates.

Maine is going so bad that not only did Gary Cohen and Keith Hernandez take calls from fans during the game who are wondering if the team needs to see a sports psychologist, but Keith is telling the masses "not to think too much", while using words like "primordial" which causes the fans to think too much about what that word actually means. When you come up with a performance which causes Keith to contradict himself in the same sentence, then it's time for some minor league rehab of the mental variety.

(And maybe Luis Castillo could use some mental health time too after going nuclear in the dugout after being nailed trying to stretch a single to a double in the sixth ... I mean, seriously now. Talk all you want about the fans losing their minds in the second week of the season but for Greg Smith's sake you have John Maine who hates himself, and Castillo who is throwing tantrums and it's April 13th! Who, exactly, are the crazy ones here?)

Invitation Only

Wait, Elmer Dessens was invited to spring training?

Apparently this is a party everyone gets an invite to. Excellent. We'll all have a good time. Why look, in the corner, there's Grant Roberts sharing his bong with Michael Phelps. Now that's a party!

And there ... in the other corner ... there's Ambiorix Burgos playing dominoes. What could possibly go wrong?

Omar Minaya: Behind The Blow

Well, another red letter season has come do an end (and that red letter is F ... I'll let you figure out what that stands for.) And believe it or not, I still have s**t to say. The following is one in a series of random stuff I'm throwing against the wall about person or persons of my choosing. These are your New York Mets: Behind the Blow.

I'm not sure there's a more polarizing figure on the Met landscape than Omar Minaya. And I'm also not sure there's a more scrutinized GM in baseball right now either. You love him, you hate him. And after two straight collapses, my guess is that most of you hate him.

There's a lot of angst over Minaya getting a four-year contract ... announced officially after the season was over but leaked before Collapse II, which made it all the more painful for fans to swallow. My response to that is not to get worked up over the length of the contract. It's not good business practice to have anyone ... especially Minaya ... in a position where he needs to make moves with the spectre of not being employed next season looming. That's a recipe for disaster, because Minaya needs to always think "long term" with this organization while he's there. When you see guys like Jed Lowrie and Justin Masterson be merely the latest in a significant line of Red Sox prospects who come up from the minor leagues and make huge contributions immediately, you wonder where that's been in Minaya's tenure.

At the risk of sounding like an apologist, some of that has started to happen. Both Daniel Murphy and Nick Evans have come up and helped the team in varying degrees ... Murphy looks like a keeper, and at the very worst, Evans could be trade bait to help some various holes (cough ... bullpen ... cough) that the Mets have. Whatever you believe about Minaya not being able to shore up the bullpen at the deadline, the alternative would have been to blow young players like Murphy, Evans, Eddie Kunz and the like to acquire from a limited pool of relievers including Jon Rauch and Arthur Rhodes (Rauch was horrible with Arizona and Rhodes ... incredibly ... was outstanding for Florida in his 13 innings. Though with the Mets he probably would have been terrible ... and he's still 38.) And then how would you have felt? The problem in 2007 was that the team was too old and, yes, bored. Minaya has seemingly reversed course and has relied more on the farm system. There's still a long way to go with the farm system, but Murphy and Evans are a start. And those calling for Minaya's head should take a look at the big picture and realize that even with all of Omar's faults, the organization is in significantly better shape now than it was in 2004.

Have we all forgotten 2004? I mean, sure ... you may complain about Carlos Delgado. But would you rather have Wilson Delgado?

But now that the season is over, and seemingly more relievers would probably be available, it would behoove Minaya to make sure that bullpen looks completely different than it did last year, four-year deal or no four-year deal ... because a third disaster will likely mean his head. So they have to pay him to do nothing for three seasons. With all the money they're getting selling their championship banners, foul poles, dugouts, and napkin holders, the Wilpons will barely feel the sting. Let's put it this way, when the first reliever comes into the game at Citi Field, he shouldn't just be announced, we'd better see Ty Pennington with a megaphone yelling "drop that curtain".

In other words, there had better be a makeover ... and it had better be extreme.

But here's what worries me about Omar Minaya and the Mets bullpen ... for that matter, it's the same thing that worries me about Omar Minaya and the rest of the roster: It's his penchant for falling in love with reclamation projects. There are only so many times that turning to the likes of Jose Valentin, Orlando Hernandez, and Fernando Tatis are going to work ... and when they work, the payoff has a limited shelf life. Combine that with the soundbite that came from Minaya (or perhaps it was Jerry Manuel but it's indicative of the same problem) when asked about getting Frankie Rodriguez:

"We're going to be creative with the bullpen."

Creativity takes many forms. Matt Groening is creative. Mozart was creative. So was Roman Polanski. Polanski is also a fugitive from justice for having intercourse with a minor. If you give a five-year-old a crayon and a wall, he can be creative too. But all you get are scribbles on a wall. I got a computer to be creative. But instead of writing the Great American Novel, all I could come up with was a blog where I make jokes about Wilson Delgado.

Creativity could be a good thing with the bullpen. Maybe Minaya will target guys like J.P. Howell from the Rays. Maybe he'll force Billy Beane to take a reasonable offer for Huston Street. Perhaps a guy like Frank Francisco from Texas will be available. Maybe Brian Fuentes will be willing to come to New York and close if K-Rod takes his 62 saves elsewhere. There's a whole host of guys out there who have been successful in the major leagues in the past six months that could be had at the right price. But what worries me is that the Omar Minaya I know has already given orders to the clubhouse staff to sew "Urbina" on a jersey for the first official news conference from Citi Field.

Because as you know, incarcerated relievers are as creative as it gets.

Stimulated

I know that most Met fans aren't allowing themselves to get ahead of themselves ... asking themselves such questions as:

• Will the Mets go to three starters or four in the playoff rotation?
• Will Aaron Heilman be on the post-season roster or not?
• Will Andy Phillips get a full World Series share?

But with last night's victory (and admit it: you loved that 10-8 score even though Oliver Perez was hit around and Jerry Manuel broke the new Met rule of "never pitch Nelson Figueroa against a bunch of softball girls") it's all right to feel good. No, I'm not going to feel better until the Mets are seven games in first place with sixteen games to play, but to see Carlos Delgado not only hit home runs but knock down satellites in the process is key ... not only because he's been the key to this lineup ever since he's gotten to New York, not only because the whispers of "MVP" have turned into full blown chants, and not only because I bought his jersey back in April when he stunk and he made me look like a genius.

But because Carlos Delgado is the guy who said this last season:

"I think at times we can get a little careless. We've got so much talent I think sometimes we get bored."

For as much undue flak Delgado received for that, it really is nice that he's the guy now carrying this team. Because who knows if he was talking primarily about the team or about himself ... but the one thing you can say now that Delgado has morphed into Ted Williams is that there's no way he's bored. If he was bored, would he have 11 home runs against lefties this season (as opposed to four last season?) Manny Acta thought he would be cute last night and bring in lefty Charlie Manning in against Uno Cinco to turn him around and then have Manning in to face Delgado ... they both homered (Charlie's no Peyton, obviously.) You can't get cute with the Carloses anymore.

So feel good ... it's okay to dream about post-season shares. Because you know, Ambiorix Burgos will probably need that share for legal fees. Idiot.

(Editor's note: At least Brian Bannister's ERA is rather high.)

Can I Get the "Tommy John Surgery" Pendant In White Gold?

Ambiorix Burgos apparently carries $270,000 worth of jewelry with him ... because you never know when those Zsa Zsa Gabor Appreciation Society functions are going to pop up.

Not Worth The Paper It's Printed On

I'm guessing we can all agree that the Washington Nationals are the worst team on paper, correct?

And according to Jimmy Rollins, the Philadelphia Phillies are the best team on paper. Right?

Well, I've picked up the paper. Guess what it says:

Nationals 1-6
Phillies 1-6

The Nationals win the tie-breaker and thus are listed on the higher line....Because as we know, the first division tie-breaker is not head to head record, but less errors by players who make silly predictions. Jimmy Rollins' error brought home the tying run for the Mets today in their home opener, and opened the floodgates for the Phillies bullpen to give up six thousand more runs as the Mets won by a score of 6,005-5.

All right it was only six runs in an 11-5 victory. For the Phillies, it only seemed like 6,000 runs. For the Mets, it didn't seem like enough.

Here's my startling admission of the night: I never hope for sweeps. Sweeps, to me, are a lot to hope for. I've got one of those friends who wants to go 162-0 every season. Tells me on the phone: "You know, if we can win 19 of the next 20..." as if that kind of thing happened all the time in baseball. I'm always the one reigning him in, trying to keep his expectations somewhat reasonable so that he doesn't give himself a coronary episode if heaven forbid the Mets only win 6 out of 10.

That being said, I've gotta tell you: I want two more from these guys. I want this team demoralized immediately. I want the entire city of Philadelphia getting out of their houses at 2AM wandering around Logan Square wondering what the hell happened to their team. I want people at Pat Gillick's door with bats and billy clubs waiting for answers. I want Pat's and Geno's to be so disgusted with the Phillies that they pack up and move to New York. I want the Phanatic to wear blue and orange. I the city of Philadelphia to know that the defending division champs are not to be trifled with via cheap motivational speeches.

Yes, I'm hoping for a sweep.

A word about The Amburglar, if you will. You may disagree with me...no, check that: you will disagree with me. But I don't mind the decision to pitch to Ryan Howard in the sixth. Yes, there was a base open, but if you intentionally walk the struggling Howard, you bring up a Met killer with the bases loaded (a Met killer currently hitting .385, it should be noted). Damned if you do and damned if you don't...but Howard hadn't hit anything all season. And up until two strikes on Howard, Burgos proved that you can make him look silly.

But once Howard fouled off the first pitch after the second strike, I started to get a little nervous because Howard was starting to battle, and starting to time Burgos. Amburglar went to the well once too often, and there's no way that an off-speed pitch should have been anywhere near the strike zone...it was like he caught the Mota disease as he kept going to the junk instead of going upstairs with the heat, or throwing the splitter down by his ankles. Except that wasn't Scott Spiezio with his warning track power, that was Ryan Howard with his "I'm in a slump and if I get a pitch to hit it's going to the flippin' moon" power. So instead, we got what Keith Hernandez called "a helicopter slider" or some similar nonsense.

I was upset after the Burgos Bomb, and knew that it would be talked about for a while. But once the SNY crew was discussing the Gary Carter HR from Opening Day '85 I thought "you know what, it's the home opener. Deliciously evil things happen during home openers at Shea (unless it's 2003 and you're down 27-3)"...and I cheered up. And once Matt Smith took over for Wonderboy Cole Hamels, I cheered up some more.

And when Geoff Geary came in for Smith, the smile on my face grew wider than Sidney Ponson's pants size...because we all know the deeper you get into Philadelphia's bullpen, the better the odds that Charlie Manuel's face will turn beet red like his uniform (or those things the Braves wear on Sundays). It was fun to watch Geary walk a 78-year-old man, no? It was fun to watch Jimmy Rollins boot a Jose Reyes grounder to tie the game. And it was lotsa fun watching David Wright blast one off the top of the wall to put the game away in a grand eighth inning which bore seven runs of fruit for us.

And it will be just as much fun to pick up the paper tomorrow and see the best team on that paper in last place.

A Quick Complaint Before Opening Night

So the "Baseball Gods" are playing yet another joke on me.

Ambiorix Burgos has made the ballclub, with Chan Ho Park having been sent down to the minor leagues.

I'm not mad because Burgos has a 7.16 ERA this spring and he's on the ball club. Oh no. Chan Ho Park would have been a fish out of water in the bullpen, and he's better served starting in New Orleans for a few weeks in preparation for his inevitable entry into the rotation when (yes, when) Orlando Hernandez gets hurt.

You know what gets me though?

I'm going to have to spell "AMBIORIX" all season.

Damn.

But like it or not, he's here to stay. Ambiorix "Blue Wave" Burgos. A test of my typing dexterity, night in and night out. Wish me luck.

What You Already Know: The Bullpen

Something's not quite right.

No really, the Mets' bullpen, while still very good (and still better than the Phillies bullpen), isn't quite up to snuff from the high standards of 2006.

Guillermo Mota overinjected.

Filthy Sanchez overslept.

Aaron Heilman still dreams of the greener grass on the other side of the fence.

Juan "The Fly" Padilla is shutdown due to a sore elbow.

Darren Oliver is in Anaheim.

The only sure thing about the bullpen is that Billy Wagner will have the ninth inning all season. And despite all the hand wringing over a couple of horrid collapses against the Yankees and the Reds, Country Time having the ninth inning isn't a bad thing. Now that he has a new split fingered fastball in his arsenal, let's see if he can keep hitters off balance while they're coming back from 4 run deficits in the ninth inning.

Heilman, until Filthy and the Cheat get back from injury and suspension, has the eighth inning. The question is: what will happen when those two get back? Does Willie Randolph dare "demote" Heilman to the seventh inning if he's pitching well and risk losing him forever and ever? Probably not...not after Sanchez's repeated lateness episodes in spring training. Then again, would Sanchez have to be moved to the eighth inning because he can't get to the park in time for the seventh?

The success of the bullpen may very well be tied to the success (or failure) of Joe Smith. No, not that Joe Smith, the Joe Smith who was drafted in the third round of the 2006 draft out of Wright State. It's a testament to the improved drafting skills of the Omar Minaya regime that they can get a guy in the third round who makes the majors just nine months later. But Smith is going to have to use his killer slider and Bradford-like delivery to bridge the gap between Scott Schoeneweis and guys like Pedro Feliciano, Heilman, and Country Time.

As for Schoeneweis, he's a good alternative to Darren Oliver for the long man's role. If Oliver was like "Sweet N' Low", Schoeneweis would be like "Equal", but harder to spell. And Feliciano was solid most of last season, spectacular the rest of the time. Anything close to that would be welcome.

And speaking of hard to spell, there's Ambiorix Burgos. Rick Peterson would love for him to be the sixth guy out of the bullpen with his 99 mph heater and as the kids say: "freakish upside". But he's getting lit up this spring, and all of a sudden the Mets have another Jorge Julio on their hands...if Burgos makes the club, it will probably be in that capacity of "let's make this guy the one we put in with an 8-1 lead or 10-0 deficit, and let him work out his problems there. But what good would that be? With a starting rotation that on most nights barely cross five innings, this bullpen is going to need to be deep and effective. It will be when Filthy and Mota return. But until then, guys like Smith and Burgos, realistically or not, are going to have to grow up a little bit and perform in their roles at least until Filthy, the Fly, and the Cheat return.