Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Conversations With Oliver


OP: Hi guys.

JJ: Who the hell are you?

OP: I'm Oliver ... remember?

JJ: Oh yeah. Well what are you doing here?

OP: I'm your new bullpen buddy.

PF: Yeah J.J., Ollie's joining us.

JJ: Oh. Well don't eat my sunflower seeds.

First inning:

OP: J.J.?

JJ: What?

OP: Why do they call him Donkey Kong if he is not a donkey?

JJ: What??!?

OP: I was just wondering. I have a lot of time to think out here.

JJ: What's the matter with you?

Second inning:

JJ: Come on Johnny, get it over the plate.

OP: Why does he get to stay in the rotation with all these walks ... sigh. I wish they would send Johnny here with me. I need a friend.

SG: Oliver why are you so mopey?

OP: I'm bored and I'm not used to you people.

JJ: You people?

Fourth inning:

OP: J.J.?

JJ: Yes?

OP: What's the meaning of life?

JJ: You serious?

OP: Yeah. There's a lot of time to ponder things like that here. I just want to understand why I've been sent here.

JJ: The meaning of life is to work quick and throw strikes. It's simple.

OP: Huh?

JJ: No wonder you're here.

Fifth inning:

OP: J.J.?

JJ: What?

OP: If you dug a hole through the center of the earth and jumped in, would you stay at the center because of gravity?

JJ: No.

OP: But when I give up a home run it always seems to travel to the center of the earth.

JJ: (Sigh)

Sixth inning:

OP: Dude, wanna play cards?

JJ: Oliver, I'm trying to watch the game.

OP: But I'm bored. Maybe Sean will play with me.

JJ: Get up Carlos! Get up ... Yeah baby! 3-2!!!

SG: Dude he crushed that.

BP: Nice shot Carlos!

OP: My knee hurts.

SG: Which one?

OP: Ummm (looks down), this one?

JJ: Oliver that's your oblique muscle.

OP: What's an oblique? Is that like a triangle? Oh no, that's obtuse.

JJ: It certainly is.

Seventh inning:

OP: Pedro, wanna play cards?

PF: Dude I gotta warm up.

OP: What about you, Sean?

SG: I gotta warm up too.

OP: Why is everyone leaving me? Was it something I said?

JJ: (Grumbles)

OP: J.J.?

JJ: What??!?!?!??

OP: Now that Carlos Beltran has two home runs does that mean he's playing meaner?

JJ: Oliver, I don't know what you're talking about.

OP: J.J.?

JJ: Yes?

OP: What happens to an irresistible force when it hits an immovable object?

JJ: It leaves the park and you get taken out of the game.

OP: Oh.

OP: J.J.?

JJ: Yes?

OP: How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

JJ: If you were in the rotation, you would have been assassinated. Out here, you'll just get murdered.

OP: J.J.?

JJ: Oh for the love of all that is holy ...

OP: If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?

JJ: That's it. I'm leaving. (Grabs bullpen phone) Jerry? You have to get me in this game. I can't deal with this guy anymore out here.

Eighth inning:

OP: I'm lonely. Everyone has left me. Frankie? Frankie?

FR: Oliver! Oliver!!! LOOK OUT!!!

(Chipper's home run off J.J. Putz lands in the bullpen, inches away from Perez.)

JJ: Dammit! Why the hell do they call him Donkey Kong??? Oliver, I'm going to kill ... er, assassinate ... umm, murder ... dammit!


DyHrdMET said...

oh that's classic.

Anonymous said...

ha ha hahahaaa... good one... keep em comin bro. have a feelin its gonna be a long season....

bleedinblueandorange said...

thats a good laugh man

Krup said...

another instant classic

Unknown said...

That made my day. Thanks.

Unknown said...

Brilliant! Great stuff!

Andrew Vazzano said...


You had me hysterically laughing this morning. Absolutely wonderful job.

You should write a book.


Hazeleyes said...

Best explanation of the difference between "assassination" and "murder" I ever read.

Devon Edwards said...

That was the best thing I've read in some time.

LadyMet said...

You are my idol. Too freakin' funny.

Anonymous said...

Tears, freaking tears running down my eyes that was so good.

Ed in Westchester said...


well done again.

fredstradamus said...

Liz just told me to shut up ... my laughing was interrupting her Brothers and Sisters, Medium, or whatever the hell she's watching!

Krumbled Kookie said...

Genius, man. Pure, unadulterated genius.

Anonymous said...

i finally understand the difference between murder and assasination...

thank you metstradamus!!!!

Anonymous said...

dude... i finally understand the difference between assasination and murder...

thank you metstradamus!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

This was pure genius! Definitely up there with the Santana car ride post last year.

I was wondering why Ollie's questioning seemed so familiar and now I realize the reason - it reminded me of Osaka (and thus instantly outing myself as an anime fan).

Anonymous said...

Funniest thing I've read in days. Thank you.

I kept reading Oliver in Randy Hickey's voice from My Name Is Earl, totally sounds like stuff he'd say.