Redding v Bacsik: Who Ya Got?

I love when ex-Mets do battle.

Tim Redding on Barry Bonds' 756th home run:

"I mean, the guy that gave it up, I never want to speak ill of anybody. Mike Bacsik is a stand-up guy. He's a little quirky, but he's a nice guy, means well. I think he wanted to give it up. And he can say what he wants in defense or whatnot, but doing the chart, I mean, every ball that Barry hit, the ball was center cut, right down the middle, fastball. You know, I think maybe inside he was thinking he was going to get a little bit more publicity. Maybe, you know, publicity and some money out of it, appearances, stuff like that."

Mike Bacsik, on Tim Redding:

Obviously, I didn't try to give it up. It was a 3-2 pitch, and the pitch before I threw a curveball that was just foul. Did I throw the ball good that night? No, but to say I tried to give up the home run I don't think is very smart. I was fighting for my life in the big leagues. I thought I might get sent down. As time goes by, stories like [what Redding said] will happen. Tim and I had our differences. I don't know what to say to that. Tim is not the first person to say that. I don't want to bash Tim."

Oh yes you do.

"Tim Redding is one of the worst teammates I’ve ever had."

YES! Now we're talking. Maybe Jeff Wilpon can book these two to a cage match at Citi Field for some extra revenue. Dave Matthews can be the special guest referee. I'd buy.

Sadly, that will never happen. There's more of a chance that Wilpon will actually sign Bacsik, who hasn't pitched in a year, to a minor league deal.

Besides, Redding is all booked up doing card shows with Matt Wieters, Brendan Ryan, Blake DeWitt and Seth Smith.

Other Than That, I'm Peachy!

Did Willie Harris really have to lay down a bunt to break up Tim Redding's no-hitter? I know it was only the fourth inning. I know the Nationals got more hits later. I know it's only Tim Redding. I know it's a meaningless game. But it's Willie Harris. He's the fly in the ointment of eternity. And after a six game losing streak, I'm automatically in complain mode. And Willie Harris is good at getting me to complain. So dude, really?

Purple Thong

Even the former Yankees resurface to laugh at us

What's that? A quality start from Tim Redding? Someone call the cops and block off the street it's party time!

Oh, never mind. The last block party we had included a pinata. And the Mets' lineup couldn't hit that anyway.

Jason Giambi could sure hit that pinata pretty well, can't he? Scared to death of another bases loaded walk in the eighth inning, Brian Stokes threw a pinata to Giambi with the first pitch in a tie game and Giambi, obviously wearing the infamous golden thong, smoked it into center field for another Mets loss.

The two most notable things to come out of this night are Carlos Beltran's rehab stint, a 1-for-3 outing in Brooklyn, where he'll play the field on Thursday. Beltran's rehabilitation is already ahead of Moises Alou's, who tried to come back in Binghamton and lasted about an inning. So this is good news.

The other news coming out of Wednesday is David Wright going from the one flap child tracker to the two flap model while pinch hitting, making him look more like the Great Gazoo than ever. But it was the extra precaution that concerned me. You see, the Mets are making every effort to ensure that Wright has no more problems, and the protective gear will not be limited to the batters box:

That's right, the Hospital for Special Surgery has recommended the Elizabethan Collar for Wright, making sure that he won't suffer another concussion, or lick near the spot where he's been fixed. He'll be wearing it the rest of the season, in the field, the dugout, and at autograph sessions:

Here, kitty kitty kitty.

Gone Fishin'

Does J.J. Putz count as two injured players since he frayed an entirely different muscle?

Does Johan Santana count as two injured players because he's Johan Santana?

That means the Mets lost four players for the season in one day.

Awesome. You realize that along with Oliver Perez's latest injury (why isn't he shut down for the season?), the starting rotation right now is Mike Pelfrey, Nelson Figueroa, Pat Misch, Tim Redding, and Bobby Parnell. And the lineup consists of players that even Livan Hernandez could shut down ... and probably will now that he's a National again.

Football season can't get here fast enough.

Embarrassment Of Riches

Obviously, the mere thought of Julio Lugo joining the Mets spurred the Mets to play some of their best baseball of the year in their 5-1 win over the Atlanta Braves. I'm sure that Johan Santana, who was legitimately brilliant, did what he could to block out all of the exciting speculation, but who could blame the rest of the team if they let the excitement get to their heads?

Heck, even Snoop Manuel pulled out all the stops in an attempt to convince Lugo that New York is the place to be by pulling off a suicide squeeze in the ninth inning so out of nowhere, that if I ever get seriously famous and they give tours of my apartment, one of the things that the tour guide will point out the spot on the floor where my head hit after I fainted.

But how can you not be excited ... First, Angel Berroa. And now maybe Julio Lugo??? I can hardly contain my excitement. I feel like a dog getting extra table scraps after dinner!!! Maybe Lugo can play left field now that Gary Sheffield's "cramps" have now officially turned into a "tweaked hamstring". (You know what ... if you're going to jerk us around like we're all complete idiots, then here's a plan: just do what the NHL does and call it a "lower body injury", and we'll all go away. It'll be one less thing for me to complain about so I can go have an adult beverage and go about my merry way. Maybe Snoop wasn't far off when he said that surgery was on Thursday.)

One player noticed swelling in the other’s knee and asked why he wasn’t getting it treated. “They don’t want to hear about it,” the injured player replied, according to a source.

What an organization.

Of course there's a flip side to that excitement, and that's the impending release of Tim Redding to make room for Lugo, the newest Mets savior. Redding now gets to skulk around the locker room waiting for the executioner to show up while teammates are apparently going through great lengths to avoid him. Yeah, that's a healthy atmosphere.

But take heart, Tim. Because you could be released a hundred times over, give up 10,000 runs to the Dodgers, and you still will never be mistaken for Mike Hampton after the stunt he pulled on Saturday. Way to go Mike. Next time maybe you shouldn't daydream about demanding a trade and pulling your children out of another excellent school system because you can't pitch.

(Editor's note: You hard core old-timers know that Hampton's goof almost happened to the Mets. Think back to Roger McDowell in 1987 trying to pound the ball into his glove, and coming within inches of putting the ball into left field and letting not only a run score, but if my aging memory serves me correctly, the tying run. I had the pleasure of being present at that game. I remember when that was one of the biggest goofball moments the Mets have ever had. Now? Sigh. You know, come to think of it, I'm surprised that hasn't happened to a Met pitcher this season. I'm sure as hell not going to be the one to say that "even the Mets can't top that one", because there's plenty of time left in the season for the Mets to do it so I'm sure they'll dream something up. But take heart, Tim Redding. Because at the very least, that's a fate that will most assuredly not befall you.)

There's Some Grit In Them Furry Beasts

As if going to Pittsburgh for a one game rainout makeup isn't exciting enough, the Mets were also able to catch the phenomenon known as Anthrocon 2009, a convention where people can dress like animals. Boy, it was the club's lucky day ... let alone Kevin Burkhardt's lucky day.

This has to be the reason that Tim Redding has such an awful start today ... apparently, Redding's goatee was a keynote speaker at the event. Who knew?

But in this period of time where we're all kinda waiting for the bottom to drop out, we might be seeing the beginnings of evidence that maybe nobody should be throwing in the towel on this team just yet. Down 5-0 to the Pirates' best starter on a one-game stopover (akin to spending seven hours at Atlanta International) would have been an easy game to throw in the towel on. But not only did the Mets actually string some hits together to get some runners on base, they strung some more hits together to actually drive those runs in! Eight of them!!!

And believe it or not, at 8-5 ... even at 8-6, I didn't have that nagging feeling of doom that I usually have with this franchise. Honestly. I honestly thought there was no way that doom can befall them again. Law of averages, right?

Wrong!

Because it was then that Frankie came in with a two run lead in the ninth, and two batters later the freakin' game was tied. And not only tied, but tied by Adam "Carlos Beltran is a no-good classless goon who doesn't make enough plays to win baseball games" La Roche. If you thought I tore the house apart, not to worry. I just laughed.

However my cat, on the opening of the Furry Beast Convention, was quite pissed. So pissed in fact, that she briefly joined the Pittsburgh faithful in their heckling of Frankie.


Can you blame her? She's been through so much ... to have a blown save on a day dedicated to animal fur was just too much for her cat-like patience to take. She snapped, as I'm sure most of you did. But alas, more grit to come as Fernando Tatis was hit with a pitch to top off a big day for him, and Ryan Church drove him in to help seal the deal. And even Frankie came back to have a big tenth inning after coming within about a foot of losing the game completely in the ninth on a two-out line drive. Yes, the "resiliency" and the "grit" has been there more this season than in the last two ... but no more so than Thursday.

Unfortunately, this game probably means the Mets will be without Rodriguez's services on Friday against the Phillies. But speaking of the Phillies, I'm going to keep gettin' positive on you: Not that the Mets' three starters are any guarantees (Livan Hernandez, Fernando Nieve, and even Johan Santana isn't a guarantee these days), the Mets are facing Rodrigo Lopez (yes, Rodrigo Lopez), Jaime Moyer (who the Mets have hit this year), and Joe Blanton (who's improved lately in the way that you can improve from dog meat to merely beatable). The series is winnable, boys and girls. I know the Mets have made some struggling pitchers look like Bob Gibson, but Lopez hasn't pitched in the majors in two years. The Mets absolutely can't welcome him back to the majors by making him into a stud. And the other two pitchers aren't lights out by any means. So two out of three is not impossible (or, if you're not into double negatives, possible), especially if Tatis has indeed found his stroke and lost his looping swing.

One Hit Wonder

When the highlight of a Yankees/Mets game is Keith Hernandez giving SNY viewers a riveting on-screen instructional of the intricacies of the cough button, that's when you have problems.

The Yankees defeated the Mets 5-0.

The SNY cough buttons defeated the Mets 3-0.

Where two hits at least could have been rubbed together to start a fire, the Mets couldn't even accomplish that, as they only had one all game. In fact, when Alex Cora struck out on a wicked A.J. Burnett (or has he dropped the periods and become AJ like his friend CC Sabathia) curveball in the first, the thought "well, let's get 'em tomorrow" escaped my lips. Seriously. (I'm impressed that it was Cora who got the only hit.) That's when I was told to have some optimism. You know the one thing that's worse than the Mets lineup right now? That's right, optimism.

Consider: Not only are Yankee fans able to get the best seats, but they're knocking pop-ups out of David Wright's glove in the stands. Not that it helped them (Robinson Cano struck out), but their baseball IQ rates higher than that of the Mets on the field. Now seriously, what the hell is that?

The worst part: Who can I really blame? Seriously? I'm going to pick on Jerry Manuel for batting Argenis Reyes second? Dumb? Yes. Difference making? Would putting Argenis in the eight hole or on the bench or in Buffalo have been the difference between zero runs and six ... or even one? For that matter, am I going to blame Argenis Reyes for being a .200 hitter? Man, that's like blaming a fish for being bad at breathing out of water, or Shaquille O'Neal for being tall, or Dennis Cook for having a temper. It's just who they are.

Frustratingly, blaming people would be akin to taking candy from multiple babies. It's just pointless. Burnett was on against a lineup where Brian Schneider had the best statistical chance to hit him. What exactly did we expect? At full strength, perhaps you can overcome a spotty performance by Tim Redding. When Argenis Reyes is batting second, well ...

Now if Monday's game recap contains the words "Chien-Ming Wang rediscovered his Cy Young form ..." then it's time to complain.

***

Speaking of complaining, Mark DeRosa went to the Cardinals for Chris Perez and a player to be named. Indians fans seem to be fairly confident that this player will be pretty good.

Mets fans will probably wonder if DeRosa was on Omar Minaya's radar. Considering what the Indians got, the asking price for Omar probably would have included one Mr. Robert Parnell. Is that a chance you would have taken?

A Dark Chi In Johan's Knee

We take you to the locker room following the Mets 6-4 loss to the Orioles ...

RP: Psst. Johan. Johan!

JS: Rick? Rick Peterson? What are you doing in the laundry basket?

RP: I snuck in before the game.

JS: How did nobody catch you?

RP: I hid in Tim Redding's beard.

JS: No wonder he struggled tonight. Were you in his beard during the Red Sox game too?

RP: No but a machete, three kittens, and the Patriots practice squad were in there. Threw off his whole delivery.

JS: Why are you here?

RP: Johan, I have to warn you of impending doom. Your knee is completely messed up.

JS: How do you know this?

RP: Trust me Johan, I know about these things. I read some books on Eastern philosophy, and something is telling me that your knee isn't right. It's like I'm feeling some sort of tingling sensation.

JS: Are you Spiderman?

RP: My sense is telling me that your drop in velocity is attributed to an entire family of groundhogs living in your knee, slowly gnawing away at your ligaments.

JS: Listen Spiderman, if there were groundhogs living in my knee, the trainers would have found them.

RP: You trust these trainers? They told Ryan that his concussion was a dizzy spell. They told Carlos that his bum hip was just a bruise due to too much time playing the EA Active for Wii. And they also told Ramon Martinez that his hernia was indigestion and prescribed him Pepto Bismol.

JS: So what should I do?

RP: We need to go in the back and participate in some vedic chanting right away!

JS: I'm not chanting with you. I need to listen to 70's and 80's music on my iPod.

RP: Johan, you don't understand ... you need to be one with a higher power and will the groundhogs out of your knee.

JS: I like groundhogs, they're cute.

RP: Remember, "If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle."

JS: Is that why I lost to the Yankees? Or was it my knee? I'm confused.

RP: "To see the world in a grain of sand, and heaven in a wild flower, to hold infinity in the palm of the hand, and eternity in an hour."

JS: That fourth inning on Sunday was an eternity.

RP: "An unguarded minute has an accident in it."

JS: Okay Spidey listen, that last quote isn't Eastern Philosophy. It's Hall and Oates. My knee is fine and you're not my pitching coach anymore.

RP: Dammit Johan I'm a doctor not a pitching coach!

JS: You're not a doctor either ... and you're barely a philosopher.

RP: Damn!

JS: Umm, Ray? Mike? Omar? Can you help me here? Spiderman's trying to get me and I'm trying to listen to my iPod.

RR: All right Rick, let's go. Johan's knee is fine.

RP: No! You have to listen to me!!! There's a dark chi in Johan's knee!!! It must be exorcised!

OM: Rick, you were fired a year ago. Remember?

RP: I remember! Tuscany tiles bla bla bla but listen!!!

JS: (puts on iPod) "An unguarded minute ...WATCH OUT ... has an accident in it"

MH: Let's go Rick.

RP: No! NO!!! You have to listen to me!!! Bring me Perez!!! I CAN FIX HIM IN TEN MINUTES!!!!!

JS: "I'm a maaaaaaaaaaaan, yes I aaaaaaaam and I caaaaaaaan't help but love you so! No no no!"

Punk'd? More Like Park'd

The Mets lost this game well before the Chase Utley home run.

They lost this game because sixteen hits could only bring home four runs.

They lost Wednesday's game when Dan Iassogna called Carlos Beltran out on the double play that should have scored the fifth run as Beltran was clearly safe. Funny how there was a recent conversation about how bad the umpiring has been this year, and it was awful again tonight on many counts ... most which benefited the Mets, but that call was key (forgive me if I start scoffing every time an umpire starts complaining about instant replay ... seriously, I'm starting to not care if baseball games go ten hours each just so we can have replay review every single damn play ... either that or we need to invent "Umpbots"). And even if that call was right, you knew that it would be a key point in the game since the Mets had one chance to blow Cole Hamels out and he didn't do it.

They really lost this game in the seventh, when Snoop decided to call a sac bunt with a guy at the plate who hadn't had a sac bunt in seven years. Fernando Tatis has some pop, no? Well, not when he's called to bunt, giving away your sixth hitter. And with a successful sacrifice (another, most likely terrible call), you give away your seventh hitter as Ryan Church was intentionally walked to set up Omir Santos ... meaning that hitters six and seven were wasted, leaving the bulk of the work to be done by hitters eight and nine. I know Snoop loves Omir but man, that wasn't quite gangsta.

But they really, really, really lost the game because of their inability to score a damn run off Chan Ho Park. Ryan Church had him 3-0 and let two meatballs zip right on by him like they were old men in vans wearing trench coats asking him if he wanted candy. Then on 3-2 he swings at slop in the dirt. I've grown a small affinity for Church, as he's become the red-headed step child of the organization. But if that at-bat was any more putrid I'd have to close my windows and throw towels under the doors.

So let's review the rubber game of the series: Tim Redding on the mound, which has recently resulted in poundings by the Red Sox and Marlins, a spent bullpen with Frankie having been burned for two innings on Wednesday. I guess that J.J. Putz will have to close tomorrow we should be prepared for the "give up" lineup on Thursday, resting guys for the Yankee series.

• SS Valdez
• 2B Cora
• 1B Murphy
• 3B Hebner
• LF Martinez
• CF Reed
• RF Emil Brown
• C Alberto Castillo
• P Redding

With Carlos Muniz as the only guy available out of the bullpen. (But seriously, they're probably going to have to pound Moyer like chop meat again to have any sort of chance.)

And I'm mildly disappointed that Pelfrey didn't drill Hamels after the "choke" comments (but kudos to Alex Cora for going up the middle hard on him). He made up for it though by telling Utley and Shane Victorino to shove it. I'll take any moral victory I can get.

Did I mention ... Chan Ho Park???!?!?!?!??? For crying out loud.

Gangsta Roulette

Did you have the same feeling I did when you saw the starting lineup today? Did you have the feeling that a lineup with Wilson Valdez, Angel Pagan, and Ramon Martinez vs. Josh Johnson combined with Tim Redding on the hill basically meant that your Saturday of baseball was going to be a complete waste of time? Well guess what? It was.

It's not like the regular lineup ever does anything against Johnson anyway, and players need their rest, so why the heck not? I was more disturbed at the revelation that Snoop Manuel is going to rest Gary Sheffield twice a week to keep him fresh. This means that if you Mapquest the route to the end of the 2009 season, it will inevitably take a left on Moises Alou Ave.

I was also disturbed by the image of David Wright getting ready to pinch hit in the ninth by licking his bat. Besides the fact that it's a disgusting image, I don't want to root for the first franchise in baseball history to put a player on the disabled list with tongue splinters (it will probably be listed as "fragments in the mouth muscle".)

But what I'll take away from this game was Ron Darling glowing about how special this Omir Santos run has been by saying that in five years, you're going to be wondering what the name of that guy was that had the quick start and hit the home run off Papelbon and was on fire for two months. What Darling is saying is that this run which sent Fluff Castro out of town is magical ... and that Santos will be managing a KFC franchise in five years.

Smiley Smile

Welcome to the baseball season, David Wright.

Take your coat off, stay a while. And please, save a seat next to you for Jose Reyes whenever he decides he wants to stroll on by.

Friday night's 8-6 comeback win was, by far, the best win of the season. Considering what the pitching matchup was, this really should have been a gimme for the Giants as Tim Lincecum looked nasty at times as he matched up with Livan Hernandez. Livan, it should be noted, gave up bombs to Fred Lewis and Randy Winn which foretold a bad night. Fred Lewis hitting bombs isn't a good sign. (Come soon, Tim Redding.) Neither is bad umpiring, as the Mets endured some horrid calls from Dana Demuth at third which cost them two runs in the first (happy now, Larry?) and Doug Eddings' moving strike zone which caused not one but two managers to get the gate (now that's gangsta.)

But the Mets got to Lincecum in the sixth for two runs and finished him off in the seventh. It's always a good thing when you get Lincecum out and the Giants bullpen in, and Wright took advantage with a three run game tying double which signals not so much a turning point for Wright, but perhaps the return to the apex at the expense of the Giants, and especially Brian Wilson, who is channeling his inner-Armando for this series with two straight losses, including tonight's throwing error which brought in the winner for the Mets.

As for the rest of the team, maybe everybody being out with injury has had a built in "kick in the pants" effect for the remaining warm bodies. Sure, they could still use some reinforcements, which could be coming in the form of recent signees Javier Valentin (I didn't even realize he was out of the league ... maybe if Reyes gets confused and thinks it's his former mentor Jose Valentin he'll shape up) and Tom Martin (I'm glad he's back ... I didn't want his last experience as a Met to be this.) But sometimes the actual effect of injuries is the opposite of what you'd expect.

I don't know how long it'll last ... for example, I don't know how many times Jeremy Reed is going to get two hits while starting at first base with a glove that isn't broken in (he was supposed to get one from Nick Johnson for Friday ... but he conveniently "forgot".) But if this is really the "jelling" that some think it is, I'll take it for as long as I can get it (sounds like I have an addiction, no?)

And speaking of unhealthy addictions, let's play our favorite rehab game: "Where's Oliver?"

It was a relaxing day of rehab for Oliver Perez as he went fishing with his rehabbing friend, Billy Wagner. They had a successful day at the lake, but the problems started when it was time to cook. Perez was in charge of preparing the meal, and after a few minutes of becoming frustrated while attempting to gut and cook the catch, Perez just gave up and threw the entire fish in the microwave, set it to two minutes, and gave up.

Wagner ate the fish and went to the hospital after becoming violently ill. Instead of blowing the save, Wagner was tagged with blown chunks. Big f***ing shocker.

A Dirty Undertaking

Dan Uggla hit two home runs (including one off Johan Santana, whose elbow did not explode on impact) in the Marlins' 16-8 spring victory over the Mets last night at Tradition Field.

I thought it was a little much that the Marlins wandered the field after the game scooping out cups of Tradition Field dirt for souvenirs to go with their Shea Stadium dirt. To me, that's just rubbing it in.

(Sorry, that wasn't Uggla out there scooping dirt. That was the undertaker getting ready to bury Tim Redding's chances of winning the fifth starter job. My mistake.)

Petey, Victor, And Dying A Little Inside: A World Baseball Tour Of The Tortured Mind

Sometimes when I'm "away", it's because I've got nothing of value to say. But sometimes when I'm away, I'm actually away, which is why I have some random thoughts from the past few days, centering around this World Baseball Extravaganza.

First off, let me say that it can be really confusing not only for people who watch these games, but for the people who watch the people who watch these games. I, for example, was on an airplane on Wednesday watching the Netherlands (no, their baseball spikes aren't wooden) play the Dominican Republic. And at the same time that I'm rooting to see the upset, I'm also watching Pedro Martinez pitch and pumping my fist with every 91 mph tailing fastball he was throwing. This prompted my wife to ask me "who exactly are you rooting for?"

And that's the problem with this tournament. There are Mets and their enemies playing for every team (think how weird you felt when J.J. Putz chest bumped Brian McCann after the USA defeated Canada), and teammates facing off against each other. It's like an intense LSD trip where Davey Johnson is managing again, and Bert Blyleven is teaching A ball pitchers his big curveball while Sidney Ponson is offering me peyote.

(But what made me the most unhappy about that first Netherlands/D.R. game was Steve Phillips laughing and joking about how he traded Nelson Cruz away from the Mets and now he's a good hitter. Meanwhile, Metstradamus dies a little inside ... That, and the fact that we had to deplane during the bottom of the ninth, so I had to wait to check into the hotel to find out that the Dutch pulled off Upset Part One.)

First, you have David Wright playing with Jimmy Rollins. And I love how Derek Jeter sits between them in the lockerroom and he's being painted as Kissinger to Wright and Rollins. This is the same Derek Jeter who has had chance after chance after chance to make sure that Alex Rodriguez was accepted in that Yankee lockerroom, but instead let A-Rod twist in the wind because of an Esquire article. But he sits in between Wright and Rollins and he's Alfred Nobel. Okay. Jeter is the greatest captain in the world. Much better than Cats. I am a sheep. I will believe everything I read. Baaaah. Baaaah.

And not only did you have Jose Reyes playing with Hanley Ramirez, but you had Jose Reyes playing with Miguel Olivo, who you remember from their brawl in 2007, started in part because of excessive celebrations by the Mets. So it was funny when Olivo hit his second home run of the game against Panama, and he came to the dugout with a ... wait for it ... choreographed home run handshake!

Gasp!

But now Jose Reyes is back in Mets camp, thanks in part to an error by Hanley Ramirez during Upset: Part One. Way to go, Hanley.

***

Oh, and speaking of dying a little inside:

First, I gotta watch Victor Zambrano throw a pitch so bad that I'm convinced that Kevin Youkilis swung at it on purpose because he knew he'd reach first base on the strikeout (Youkilis acted like he was upset with himself but I'm convinced that was part of the rouse.) Then in his second appearance, he almost hits David Wright while instrumental in beating the States. (Can you imagine Wright being out for ten weeks with a broken bone off a pitch thrown by the hand of Victor Zambrano? I'd start chugging Drano Bombs on the spot.) And you know that this potentially could mean that Omar Minaya is taking a look at him as long as Tim Redding can't get out college players. Resist, Omar. Resist!!!

(At least Freddy Garcia improved against those same Michigan Wolverines. Out-freakin-standing!)

***

Then there's Frankie Rodriguez, who had this to say about the Venezuelan media after saving Venezuela's victory over the States last night:

"They're trying to stick it to us. You ask anybody in that clubhouse and they'll tell you the same thing."

I didn't know Wallace Matthews was Venezuelan.

The Tale Of Churcherella

JM: Hey Danny!

DM: Yes coach?

JM: I've got great news for you. I've decided to make you my left fielder.

DM: That is great news. Thanks, coach!

RC: And what for me, coach? I'm all better now from my headaches.

JM: Oh Churcherella, you know I just can't just give you 162 games and say "you're my right fielder." You have to perform.

RC: But I'm all better now coach, I promise!

JM: I know. Now you run along and help Danny with his swing.

(Later, in the indoor batting cage)

RC: All right Murph, swing level.

(Fwack)

DM: This is hard, Churcherella.

RC: C'mon Danny, you're an every day player now. And this is what it takes to win a ring. Ten more Danny!

(Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack!)

DM: That work for you?

RC: Yeah Danny, your swing looks divine.

DM: Thanks.

RC: You know, I've long dreamed of being an every day player. I had the dream for a while last year. I hope that I could earn my new manager's trust and get that guarantee again.

DM: Oh Churcherella, you know good well that ex-Nationals with a history of concussions can't be every day players.

RC: But Danny! I'm all better now! I swear.

JM: Churcherella! Go down to the back field and gather up some broken bats.

(In a remote field littered with broken bats ...)

RC: I know I can be an every day player. I don't know why my manager doesn't have trust in me.

(Suddenly, a man emerged from a burst of light. He was dressed to the nines ... immaculate while all in white.)

RC: Who the hell are you.

FG: I'm here to help you, Churcherella.

RC: Are you my Fairy Godfather or something?

FG: Yeah, something like that. I'm here to tell you that you're going to start this season ... 162 games.

RC: But how? Jerry will certainly put Fernando Tatis' name on the lineup card.

FG: Don't worry (waves magic wand).

RC: Wow! It's a new glove ... and a new set of maple bats!

FG: Yes. Now you'll prove that you're indeed worthy of 162 games. Now get me seven mice ... and make sure they're alive.

(Churcherella gathers seven mice living beyond the warning track of the back field, and the Fairy Godfather waves his wand again.)

RC: Wow! You turned seven mice into an Escalade!

FG: Yes ... because that's what home run hitters drive. Stick with me and there will be more where that came from. Now remember, be sure you're off that field before midnight or your head will turn into a pumpkin.

RC: Umm ... uh, okay.

(April 6th/Cincinnati)

GC: "Well Keith, here's the final hope for the Mets and it's Ryan Church with the bases loaded against Francisco Cordero on Opening Day."

KH: "Church has had a good day going 3-for-3 with his newfound nice level swing."

GC: "First pitch to Church and it's a high fly ball hit to deep right field, back goes Bruce to the track ... to the wall ... and it's outta here! Ryan Church hits a grand slam and the Mets have a 7-4 lead! Four hits for Ryan Church!"

KH: "I think it's going to be hard to get Ryan Church out of this lineup."

(April 13th/Citi Field)

FT: Jerry! Jerry! When am I going to get an at bat?

JM: Sorry Fernando, I can't take Church out of the lineup now ... he's hitting .782 with five home runs. I don't know how he's doing it. Don't worry, I'll get you an at-bat. I'll make sure of it.

GC: "We're coming up on the stroke of midnight in this one and the Mets are in a sticky situation. Bases full of Padres and Cliff Floyd is coming up as a pinch hitter with two men down, Keith."

KH: "My wife left the roast in the oven for me. It's probably burnt to a crisp right now."

GC: "First pitch is hit in the air to right field, that's deep. Back goes Church, back near the wall and ... he made the catch diving head first into the wall! What a catch by Ryan Church right at the stroke of midnight and the inning is over."

KH: "Church is acting a little strange, Gary. He seems confused ... and now he's running clear out of the stadium, Gary. Well I'm no doctor but he seems to have another concussion. So for all you kids out there make sure your walls are padded."

GC: "Keith it's almost as if his head turned into a pumpkin. He panicked, dropped his mitt on the field and ran off. I hope he's okay."

JM: Heh heh heh. (Twirls his mustache.)

(April 14th/Citi Field)

JM: Can I help you?

HoF: Yes, we're from the hall of fame. We found the glove where Ryan Church made that incredible catch and we're going to display it in Cooperstown. We just need to verify it by having Ryan try it on.

JM: You mean Churcherella? Oh that's not possible. You must mean my regular left fielder, Daniel Murphy.

HoF: No, we clearly saw the catch on SportsCenter, it was Church. Now can he just come try it on?

RC: I'm right here (tries the mitt on, and it's a perfect fit.)

HoF: Excellent! We'll just take this for display and we'll be on our way.

JM: No! It's not possible!!!

(Suddenly another burst of light appears.)

FG: Yes, it is possible.

RC: Oh thank you, fairy godfather!

FG: No problem. Now that you're off to this hot start you're going to want your contract re-negotiated. Now you'll want to take your money and invest it in the Stanford Financial Group. It can't miss.

JM: Wait a minute, you're no fairy godfather ... you're ...

All: Scott Boras!

FG: And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling Mets.

Mike Pelfrey: Hey! You owe me money!

JM: Yeah! Let's get him!

Tim Redding: Wait! Wait!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAIT! Before you guys kill him, can you wave that magic wand one more time Fairy Godboras, and fix my shoulder?

Odds And Ends

Because an abundance of off-season blog posts aren't in the budget anymore (stupid sub-prime loans!)

The Mets have apparently offered Tim Redding a contract to be the next pitcher to lose the last game of the season and knock the Mets from the playoffs. Then he'll have more time to work on that golf swing.

Is it me, or is Scott Boras less of an agent and more of a used car salesman these days? ("I have an older model that still purrs, and a flashier model that sometimes has trouble with the ignition. I offer financing plans for both which involve a nice commission for me. What can I interest you in?")

And by the way, remember when we were sick of blogging about the Mets trading for Manny Ramirez? Now we're getting sick of blogging about signing Derek Lowe. How is it that over the years our sights just get set lower and lower?

Pat Burrell? Let him terrorize the Yankees now. Then maybe he'll work his way out of the Hall of Hate.

(Editor's note: Oh who are we kidding?)

J.C. Romero? You know, fifty games off is just more opportunity to rest so he can kill the Mets in the last 112.

And you know J.C. rhymes with G.N.C. What? I'm just sayin'. (For the record, J.C. probably got screwed.)

A Nadir At Every Turn

Is this the way the season is looking?

Keith Hernandez said at the head of tonight's game that last night (Wednesday) was the nadir of the season.

Keith failed to realize not only that nadir is much too fancy a word for me, but that a nadir is only as low as your next game, when you go to the hill with your ace and still lose.

So this is the nadir now, right? Sure it is. Until Friday.

So ... team, is it all right to boo now? Now that Ryan Howard is heating up, the Marlins (a team that makes less than Carlos Delgado and Luis Castillo) are steaming towards June in first place, and the Mets are closer to last place than they are to first place while everybody is calling last rites on you and you've given us no reason to believe otherwise, please do us all a favor and lay off the "boo hoo why are we being booed so much" rhetoric until you can get Larry Jones and Mark Teixeira out, or perhaps string together a few hits off of Odalis Perez, Tim Redding, and f***ing Jorge Campillo?

What The Doctor Ordered

Trust me, it's not that victory over the Washington Nationals is ever assumed (remember last September?) It's just that when your team is coming off of a three game losing streak headed to face a team that's 6-15 going in, with your very bestest ace pitcher on the mound, a loss would have been pretty gosh darn inexcusable.

However, when that very bestest ace pitcher (you know him as Johan Santana) gives up a two run double to the opposing pitcher (you may know that guy as Tim Redding), you may have gotten the feeling that inexcusable was about to become unavoidable. But then it took a teaspoon of that good ol' Washington tonic in the sixth inning to settle our stomachs.

You might know its ingredients: 35% Ryan Zimmerman throwing error which brought home Carlos Beltran from first base, 30% Ray King chucking the ball at Angel Pagan's feet on his RBI single to bring home Ryan Church. And 35% Wil Nieves failing to throw out Pagan as he swiped second and third which was key as he scored from third on Brian Schneider's ground out.

It all goes down smooth with a chaser of seven innings from Santana, who has reached the magic number four times in five starts (the other start was six and 2/3's), and results in a 7-2 victory. The two run double was merely a bitter aftertaste, but those usually go away ... especially when Santana also goes and gets two doubles to counteract that aftertaste. The only thing is that the medicine has a side effect ... it reminds you that with those two doubles, Santana now has a batting average which is only one point behind Carlos Beltran.

(If the Nationals were still the Montreal Expos, this medicine would come a lot cheaper. Damn you Canadians and your superior and affordable health care!)

***

Peripheral side note: You've just read career post number 1,000. I just had a ceremony where I presented myself with a pile of blank computer paper and an old calculator. My cat fell asleep halfway through my acceptance speech. It was that good. I got emotional and teared up (the cat missed the best part).