Monday, February 23, 2009

The Tale Of Churcherella

JM: Hey Danny!

DM: Yes coach?

JM: I've got great news for you. I've decided to make you my left fielder.

DM: That is great news. Thanks, coach!

RC: And what for me, coach? I'm all better now from my headaches.

JM: Oh Churcherella, you know I just can't just give you 162 games and say "you're my right fielder." You have to perform.

RC: But I'm all better now coach, I promise!

JM: I know. Now you run along and help Danny with his swing.

(Later, in the indoor batting cage)

RC: All right Murph, swing level.


DM: This is hard, Churcherella.

RC: C'mon Danny, you're an every day player now. And this is what it takes to win a ring. Ten more Danny!

(Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack!)

DM: That work for you?

RC: Yeah Danny, your swing looks divine.

DM: Thanks.

RC: You know, I've long dreamed of being an every day player. I had the dream for a while last year. I hope that I could earn my new manager's trust and get that guarantee again.

DM: Oh Churcherella, you know good well that ex-Nationals with a history of concussions can't be every day players.

RC: But Danny! I'm all better now! I swear.

JM: Churcherella! Go down to the back field and gather up some broken bats.

(In a remote field littered with broken bats ...)

RC: I know I can be an every day player. I don't know why my manager doesn't have trust in me.

(Suddenly, a man emerged from a burst of light. He was dressed to the nines ... immaculate while all in white.)

RC: Who the hell are you.

FG: I'm here to help you, Churcherella.

RC: Are you my Fairy Godfather or something?

FG: Yeah, something like that. I'm here to tell you that you're going to start this season ... 162 games.

RC: But how? Jerry will certainly put Fernando Tatis' name on the lineup card.

FG: Don't worry (waves magic wand).

RC: Wow! It's a new glove ... and a new set of maple bats!

FG: Yes. Now you'll prove that you're indeed worthy of 162 games. Now get me seven mice ... and make sure they're alive.

(Churcherella gathers seven mice living beyond the warning track of the back field, and the Fairy Godfather waves his wand again.)

RC: Wow! You turned seven mice into an Escalade!

FG: Yes ... because that's what home run hitters drive. Stick with me and there will be more where that came from. Now remember, be sure you're off that field before midnight or your head will turn into a pumpkin.

RC: Umm ... uh, okay.

(April 6th/Cincinnati)

GC: "Well Keith, here's the final hope for the Mets and it's Ryan Church with the bases loaded against Francisco Cordero on Opening Day."

KH: "Church has had a good day going 3-for-3 with his newfound nice level swing."

GC: "First pitch to Church and it's a high fly ball hit to deep right field, back goes Bruce to the track ... to the wall ... and it's outta here! Ryan Church hits a grand slam and the Mets have a 7-4 lead! Four hits for Ryan Church!"

KH: "I think it's going to be hard to get Ryan Church out of this lineup."

(April 13th/Citi Field)

FT: Jerry! Jerry! When am I going to get an at bat?

JM: Sorry Fernando, I can't take Church out of the lineup now ... he's hitting .782 with five home runs. I don't know how he's doing it. Don't worry, I'll get you an at-bat. I'll make sure of it.

GC: "We're coming up on the stroke of midnight in this one and the Mets are in a sticky situation. Bases full of Padres and Cliff Floyd is coming up as a pinch hitter with two men down, Keith."

KH: "My wife left the roast in the oven for me. It's probably burnt to a crisp right now."

GC: "First pitch is hit in the air to right field, that's deep. Back goes Church, back near the wall and ... he made the catch diving head first into the wall! What a catch by Ryan Church right at the stroke of midnight and the inning is over."

KH: "Church is acting a little strange, Gary. He seems confused ... and now he's running clear out of the stadium, Gary. Well I'm no doctor but he seems to have another concussion. So for all you kids out there make sure your walls are padded."

GC: "Keith it's almost as if his head turned into a pumpkin. He panicked, dropped his mitt on the field and ran off. I hope he's okay."

JM: Heh heh heh. (Twirls his mustache.)

(April 14th/Citi Field)

JM: Can I help you?

HoF: Yes, we're from the hall of fame. We found the glove where Ryan Church made that incredible catch and we're going to display it in Cooperstown. We just need to verify it by having Ryan try it on.

JM: You mean Churcherella? Oh that's not possible. You must mean my regular left fielder, Daniel Murphy.

HoF: No, we clearly saw the catch on SportsCenter, it was Church. Now can he just come try it on?

RC: I'm right here (tries the mitt on, and it's a perfect fit.)

HoF: Excellent! We'll just take this for display and we'll be on our way.

JM: No! It's not possible!!!

(Suddenly another burst of light appears.)

FG: Yes, it is possible.

RC: Oh thank you, fairy godfather!

FG: No problem. Now that you're off to this hot start you're going to want your contract re-negotiated. Now you'll want to take your money and invest it in the Stanford Financial Group. It can't miss.

JM: Wait a minute, you're no fairy godfather ... you're ...

All: Scott Boras!

FG: And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling Mets.

Mike Pelfrey: Hey! You owe me money!

JM: Yeah! Let's get him!

Tim Redding: Wait! Wait!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAIT! Before you guys kill him, can you wave that magic wand one more time Fairy Godboras, and fix my shoulder?


MetFanMac said...


Best. Reveal. Ever!

Anonymous said...

A few Damn Yankees references in there, no? Nice job.

I like what Manuel said re: Murphy. A 23 year old kid with promise - why in the heck whould you pigeon-hole him now as a platoon player? Give him a chance - he could be the next George Brett. Tatis will get his at-bats here and there as a spot starter at first, right, left and maybe even third.

Anonymous said...

you are one strange dude metsradamus

Anonymous said...

That for sure would have been a double "outa here" from Gary.

Metstradamus said...


You know something ... you're right.

Jersey Girl said...


Anonymous said...

You are some kind of hilarious!

What do you sprinkle on your Cheerios?

GM-Carson said...

Over the next few weeks WSBGM's will be breaking down each of the NL East teams' rosters. Last week we previewed the infield, with the Phils winning the poll by a large margin. Today we take a step backwards, to the outfield. Future installments include rotation and bullpen.


Give it a plug if you like it...thanks!

Ed in Westchester said...

well done sir.

:tips cap:

VideoKen said...

Love it. Great screenplay, man. Let's find Coppola or Scorsese. Need to get started right away on casting this!

Anonymous said...

Nice. I was waiting for Drusella and Anastasia to make an appearance, but that's because I've read Cinderella one too many times to my Daughter.

Can you do "Good Night Maine" next?

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. i literally LOL'd