If The Juggernaut So Chooses

"You mean, Jeff Wilpon hasn't gone all Pacman Jones on Indianapolis and made it rain all over the Marriott yet?"

Oh good, Scott "Prince of Darkness" Boras has gotten a look at the Mets finances, apparently.

Scott Boras, who represents outfielder Matt Holliday, called the Mets a financial "juggernaut" Wednesday, citing their television network, SNY; their new ballpark, Citi Field; and their location in the New York market.

"Their revenues are in the top three or four in baseball," Boras said. "The New York Mets have a lot of choices, and the Wilpon family is very successful. Sure, the Mets can sign any player they want to sign if they so choose to."

If they so choose to. Sounds like famous last words to me. Or, it sounds like the screws have been tightened just a bit further ... if not by Boras, then by Randy Wolf's new Brewers contract, convincing the Mets that maybe they spend a little bit more to get more quality. I know, I know, paying for quality is a lost art on this planet. But perhaps the evidence may be pointing to the next Cristal party in Indianapolis being on the tab of Jeff Wilpon.

If he so chooses to (shudder).

Cyrano de Wilpon

(Our story begins with Matt Holliday returning to his crib after beers with the fellas ...)

MH: Don't forget, McGwire's the designated driver tonight. See you later, party animals.

OM: Hello Mr. Holliday.

MH: Oh! You're here. Well, talk. I will listen.

OM: I love you.

MH: Talk to me of love.

OM: I love ... you.

MH: Elaborate, please.

OM: I love you ... very much.

MH: I don't doubt that. And what further?

OM: I would love ... if you would love us too.

MH: You are offering me platitudes when I was hoping for a large contract. Tell me a little of how you love me.

OM: Very very much.

MH: Disentangle your sentiments.

OM: I love you.

MH: Again!

OM: No, I do not love you ... I adore you. Love makes me into a fool.

MH: This displeases me that you are no longer the confident man that would swoop in and tell stories of how it would be above all else to play for your team. That instead you are old and beaten.

OM: But ...

MH: Rally me your routed eloquence.

OM: I ...

MH: Yes, you love me. Now go away.

OM: But ...

MH: Oh sorry, you adore me. I've heard it. Drive home safe.

(Jeff Wilpon appears)

JW: What the hell are you doing?

OM: I was only ...

JW: I told you that you are no longer to do this without me. Now go stand over there. (Throws pebbles at Holliday's window)

OM: What? I'll die!!!

JW: GO!

MH: Who is it?

OM: It's Omar!

MH: Oh it's you. Go away.

OM: I wish to speak to you.

MH: Your conversation is too common.

OM: (With prompting from Jeff) How common does 6 years $108 million sound?

MH: That's better. But why is your speech so stunted and interrupted?

OM: (moving towards the doorway, out of Holliday's sight) Because the dark ... I'm afraid of the dark.

MH: What's there to be afraid of? Why are your words difficult?

JW: (talking lower and mimicking Minaya's diction) What does it matter if they reach their destination? Your words merely drop ... My words have to climb to reach you.

MH: So does your contract offer.

JW: My heart is large ... and my wallet is (gulp) larger. With the masses that will surely fill Citi Field and buy our delectable fish sandwiches from Catch of the Day because of you, no price is too high for you.

MH: Now this ... this is love.

JW: But tell me, do you grasp my love's measure? Does some little part of my soul make itself felt of you in darkness and make you tremble?

MH: Yes, I tremble. And with a couple more million you can carry me away to your Field of Fish.

JW: That would be Citi Field. And yes, I will carry you away until death or Dr. Andrews do us part.

MH: I'll play for you Omar.

OM: (jumps in excitedly) And thus we will have you, Doc!!!

MH: Doc?

JW: DOC??!?

SB: Hey, what's going on here??!?

OM: SCOTT BORAS!!!

SB: What are the two of you doing here?

MH: The two of ... Jeff Wilpon? It was your words that wooed me?

JW: Umm, uhh?

MH: And you, Omar ... you thought I was Doc Halladay, didn't you?

SB: Get the hell out of Matt's apartment complex!!!

MH: Yeah, I'm re-signing with St. Louis.

JW: Omar you idiot (slaps him upside the head). What are we going to do now???

OM: Umm ... go to Boston to woo Jason Bay?

JW: (sigh) I'll drive.

The Tale Of Churcherella

JM: Hey Danny!

DM: Yes coach?

JM: I've got great news for you. I've decided to make you my left fielder.

DM: That is great news. Thanks, coach!

RC: And what for me, coach? I'm all better now from my headaches.

JM: Oh Churcherella, you know I just can't just give you 162 games and say "you're my right fielder." You have to perform.

RC: But I'm all better now coach, I promise!

JM: I know. Now you run along and help Danny with his swing.

(Later, in the indoor batting cage)

RC: All right Murph, swing level.

(Fwack)

DM: This is hard, Churcherella.

RC: C'mon Danny, you're an every day player now. And this is what it takes to win a ring. Ten more Danny!

(Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack!)

DM: That work for you?

RC: Yeah Danny, your swing looks divine.

DM: Thanks.

RC: You know, I've long dreamed of being an every day player. I had the dream for a while last year. I hope that I could earn my new manager's trust and get that guarantee again.

DM: Oh Churcherella, you know good well that ex-Nationals with a history of concussions can't be every day players.

RC: But Danny! I'm all better now! I swear.

JM: Churcherella! Go down to the back field and gather up some broken bats.

(In a remote field littered with broken bats ...)

RC: I know I can be an every day player. I don't know why my manager doesn't have trust in me.

(Suddenly, a man emerged from a burst of light. He was dressed to the nines ... immaculate while all in white.)

RC: Who the hell are you.

FG: I'm here to help you, Churcherella.

RC: Are you my Fairy Godfather or something?

FG: Yeah, something like that. I'm here to tell you that you're going to start this season ... 162 games.

RC: But how? Jerry will certainly put Fernando Tatis' name on the lineup card.

FG: Don't worry (waves magic wand).

RC: Wow! It's a new glove ... and a new set of maple bats!

FG: Yes. Now you'll prove that you're indeed worthy of 162 games. Now get me seven mice ... and make sure they're alive.

(Churcherella gathers seven mice living beyond the warning track of the back field, and the Fairy Godfather waves his wand again.)

RC: Wow! You turned seven mice into an Escalade!

FG: Yes ... because that's what home run hitters drive. Stick with me and there will be more where that came from. Now remember, be sure you're off that field before midnight or your head will turn into a pumpkin.

RC: Umm ... uh, okay.

(April 6th/Cincinnati)

GC: "Well Keith, here's the final hope for the Mets and it's Ryan Church with the bases loaded against Francisco Cordero on Opening Day."

KH: "Church has had a good day going 3-for-3 with his newfound nice level swing."

GC: "First pitch to Church and it's a high fly ball hit to deep right field, back goes Bruce to the track ... to the wall ... and it's outta here! Ryan Church hits a grand slam and the Mets have a 7-4 lead! Four hits for Ryan Church!"

KH: "I think it's going to be hard to get Ryan Church out of this lineup."

(April 13th/Citi Field)

FT: Jerry! Jerry! When am I going to get an at bat?

JM: Sorry Fernando, I can't take Church out of the lineup now ... he's hitting .782 with five home runs. I don't know how he's doing it. Don't worry, I'll get you an at-bat. I'll make sure of it.

GC: "We're coming up on the stroke of midnight in this one and the Mets are in a sticky situation. Bases full of Padres and Cliff Floyd is coming up as a pinch hitter with two men down, Keith."

KH: "My wife left the roast in the oven for me. It's probably burnt to a crisp right now."

GC: "First pitch is hit in the air to right field, that's deep. Back goes Church, back near the wall and ... he made the catch diving head first into the wall! What a catch by Ryan Church right at the stroke of midnight and the inning is over."

KH: "Church is acting a little strange, Gary. He seems confused ... and now he's running clear out of the stadium, Gary. Well I'm no doctor but he seems to have another concussion. So for all you kids out there make sure your walls are padded."

GC: "Keith it's almost as if his head turned into a pumpkin. He panicked, dropped his mitt on the field and ran off. I hope he's okay."

JM: Heh heh heh. (Twirls his mustache.)

(April 14th/Citi Field)

JM: Can I help you?

HoF: Yes, we're from the hall of fame. We found the glove where Ryan Church made that incredible catch and we're going to display it in Cooperstown. We just need to verify it by having Ryan try it on.

JM: You mean Churcherella? Oh that's not possible. You must mean my regular left fielder, Daniel Murphy.

HoF: No, we clearly saw the catch on SportsCenter, it was Church. Now can he just come try it on?

RC: I'm right here (tries the mitt on, and it's a perfect fit.)

HoF: Excellent! We'll just take this for display and we'll be on our way.

JM: No! It's not possible!!!

(Suddenly another burst of light appears.)

FG: Yes, it is possible.

RC: Oh thank you, fairy godfather!

FG: No problem. Now that you're off to this hot start you're going to want your contract re-negotiated. Now you'll want to take your money and invest it in the Stanford Financial Group. It can't miss.

JM: Wait a minute, you're no fairy godfather ... you're ...

All: Scott Boras!

FG: And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling Mets.

Mike Pelfrey: Hey! You owe me money!

JM: Yeah! Let's get him!

Tim Redding: Wait! Wait!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAIT! Before you guys kill him, can you wave that magic wand one more time Fairy Godboras, and fix my shoulder?

I Was Afraid Of This

So the Mets basically told Derek Lowe that if he thinks he could get a better offer somewhere else he should go for it.

He went for it, and apparently he's going to get it.

So I ask you this: What's the consolation if Lowe does indeed sign with Atlanta and the Mets don't budge from their initial offer? And I'm not talking about who the Mets sign in his place. I'm talking more along the lines of whether the fact that the Mets were

• stingy,
• frugal, or ...
• responsible

whatever you want to call it with their money will help you sleep at night when Lowe is doing the tomahawk chop. Will you still think that the Mets played the market right and will you be content in the fact that the Wilpons didn't throw extra money around in this economy?

(Editor's note: I italicize "in this economy" because I'm about near the point of puking my guts up after the thousandth time hearing that phrase.)

This is why I was worried when the Braves struck out on A.J. Burnett (and Rafael Furcal). They were going to have money to spend on someone. And now their spending spree might cost the Mets Derek Lowe. So for that, I guess you can partly blame the Yankees for signing Burnett. (Now now Metstradamus, you learned about argument fallacies in college and now you're leaning on one yourself. For shame, wayward blogger.)

But this was a case where the Mets should have taken a page from the Yankees book. The Yankees blew everyone out of the water for CC Sabathia right from the beginning, and that's when everyone started grumbling about New York and how their irresponsible. And I'm not saying the Mets should have offered Lowe $60 million more than he was worth. But when Boras and Lowe said they were going to go elsewhere, an extra six or seven million over the length of the deal at that point might make a team like the Braves think twice about even making an offer, instead forcing them to grumble about the economics of baseball and about how New York is evil. But now they're firmly in the mix with the money originally earmarked for Burnett, and the Mets have to play catch up and pay more than they would have if they had just thrown in a little extra from the start.

Instead, they're sitting out in the cold in front of the building like Ralph Kramden was when he and Alice were kicked out of the apartment for not signing the rent increase, and all Ralph could say is "I've said it before ... and I'll say it again ... that man is bluffing." And maybe Boras still is bluffing. This could be the reverse New York theory. Instead of bringing in the New York team to goose up the price, he's using a New York rival to goose up the price for the New York team. Boras probably knows teams' needs as well as their insecurities as well as anyone. He's playing it like a fiddle and he knows it. I'm just saying that a little good faith ... not much ... could have avoided all this. Because you may think you're bidding against yourself, but with Scott Boras that's never really the case.

Now there are some who think that getting Oliver Perez back would be the better option anyway ... upside and age being the major factors. Besides, better the devil you know, right? More than fair. But if Perez becomes the play, I'm sure there will be fans who feel that the Mets didn't really move forward with the rotation. After all, Perez is kinda "been there, done that, bought the t-shirt". And if the Mets aren't going to get the discount on Derek Lowe because he prefers to play in the northeast part of the country, the Mets sure as heck aren't getting a discount on Ollie if he's the only option out there for a top flight pitcher. So then the choice becomes overpay for Ollie, or sign Randy Wolf and pray that he's the next Kyle Lohse.

(At which point whatever God you pray to laughs hysterically and points Pedro Martinez towards the Florida Marlins.)

Odds And Ends

Because an abundance of off-season blog posts aren't in the budget anymore (stupid sub-prime loans!)

The Mets have apparently offered Tim Redding a contract to be the next pitcher to lose the last game of the season and knock the Mets from the playoffs. Then he'll have more time to work on that golf swing.

Is it me, or is Scott Boras less of an agent and more of a used car salesman these days? ("I have an older model that still purrs, and a flashier model that sometimes has trouble with the ignition. I offer financing plans for both which involve a nice commission for me. What can I interest you in?")

And by the way, remember when we were sick of blogging about the Mets trading for Manny Ramirez? Now we're getting sick of blogging about signing Derek Lowe. How is it that over the years our sights just get set lower and lower?

Pat Burrell? Let him terrorize the Yankees now. Then maybe he'll work his way out of the Hall of Hate.

(Editor's note: Oh who are we kidding?)

J.C. Romero? You know, fifty games off is just more opportunity to rest so he can kill the Mets in the last 112.

And you know J.C. rhymes with G.N.C. What? I'm just sayin'. (For the record, J.C. probably got screwed.)

$126 Million Buys A Lot Of Crazy Juice

Okay, I know it's all the art of negotiation. And Scott Boras is good at it. But Derek Lowe is now exposed as a special kinda crazy.

It's not so much that he's asking for a seven-year deal worth about $126 million. I personally think that the 35-year-old Lowe has a better chance of flying to Washington in a private jet and asking the government for a bailout, but that's just me.

But the very fact that Scott Boras would verbalize his request as wanting "a Zito-type contract" that kills me. Does Boras really know what ghost he's waking up by even acknowledging that Barry Zito exists? The last thing I would want to do if I'm Boras is get GM's thinking, "Barry Zito ... oh yeah, that's the guy who started last season 0-8 and has gone 21-30 in a supposedly weaker hitting league since signing the contract that Derek Lowe currently wants. Yeah sure! I'll pay that money to a 35-year-old. And while I'm at it, I'll throw myself in front of a truck. My odds of survival will be about the same!"

Let's see: Frankie Rodriguez had 62 rescues last harvest, will be 27 years old next season, yet is currently struggling to get a four year deal. And Derek Lowe wants Zito money for seven seasons? Hey, I want to see Lowe in Queens as much as anybody but if Omar Minaya lays out this money, he's crazier than I thought he was when he gave Julio Franco two years. (This, Omar, is where fiscal responsibility is a good thing.)

***

Speaking of Julio Franco and disposable income, I was recently made aware of a list of prices for autographed baseballs. Least expensive signed baseball on the board seems to be the one for former Met Eric Valent, who once hit for the cycle. You can use your disposable income to get a baseball signed by Valent for $49.00.

Not to make Valent feel bad or anything, but here's a partial list of players who you have to shell out more money for to get their signature on a baseball:

• Lastings Milledge: $79.99
• Aaron Heilman: $79.99 ("Aaron Heilman is considered to be an integral piece of the Mets future, whether it be in the bullpen or starting rotation" ... or in Colorado.)
• Jorge Julio: $69.99 (that's a buck per team he's played with)
• Julio Franco: $59.99
• Joe McEwing: $50.00
• Colby Rasmus: $49.99
• Valent: $49.00

You know your major league career has been disrespected when for 99 cents more than the price of a ball signed by you, you can get a ball autographed by a guy who hit .251 at AAA ball last year and to date has never had a major league at-bat. Apparently hitting for the cycle isn't quite worth an extra buck.

Light Reading

So I'm guessing you've all heard about the book that Scott Boras wrote on Oliver Perez, which is famous for such chapters as "Perez Turns Corner in 2006", "Perez Is One of Baseball’s Top 5 Left-Handed Starting Pitchers", and of course: "Economy Schmeconomy, Oliver Perez Gives Solid Stock Tips Too". I particularly liked that one.

Turns out Matt Wise's agent has a book on him too. He's handing his out at the San Diego airport.

Fly Ollie To The Moon

There has been a lot of justified whining over the re-scheduling of Sunday night's game from a 1PM to an 8PM affair, meaning a late night cross-country flight without a day off. It's justified because unlike the Mets and the Dodgers, ESPN had matchups to choose from between two teams that weren't traveling anywhere the next day (like the Red Sox and Orioles).

But don't blame ESPN for Monday night's brutal loss which featured a six run Giants first inning courtesy of Ollie Perez, because Perez flew to San Francisco at least a day beforehand!

And don't blame jet lag for Ollie Perez's flat and fat fastball, because his fastball has been flat and fat pretty much all season. The only fielders that needed to be awake in the first inning were the fans in the left field bleachers. And I think they had a pep in their step.

And don't blame Carlos Muniz (as Keith Hernandez did) for taking the wind out of the Mets' sails when he gave up four runs and when the game was already halfway out the door in the sixth and seventh. Because Carlos Muniz is a AAA pitcher (literally, as it was made official after the game that Muniz is down to make room for Pedro Martinez.)

Meanwhile, Perez is going to get a gazillion dollar contract next season ... even after Glavining up that first inning on Monday. (I mean really, Oliver ... Brian f***ing Horwitz?)

There has been some discussion from the pundits about whether Omar Minaya needs to make a trade that will change the face of the team midseason, a-la 2004 when Theo Epstein traded Nomar Garciaparra to the Cubs and everybody thought he was insane before the Red Sox went on to sweep the Yankees (in games 4-7) and go on to win the Series. If Minaya is to make a trade like this, it is now painfully clear that it has to involve Perez. No, Perez isn't the pitching equivalent of the 2004 version of Nomar Garciaparra. Nomar, though hurt that season (and every season since) was a .300 hitter in '04. No, Oliver Perez isn't even the pitching equivalent of flippin' Rey Ordonez right now.

So no, there's no Orlando Cabreras to be had for Perez. They'd be lucky to get Doug Mientkiewicz (yes, he was part of the Nomar deal). But Perez is going to be someone else's problem anyway next season, as Scott Boras is going to get some sucker to pay Carlos Silva money to get him and his "potential" on the free agent market next season.

He's got potential to throw in-game batting practice is what he's got. And if there's any chance that the Mets could get anything better than the compensatory draft picks they would get by losing Ollie to a city that has his SoCal comfort zone vibe going, even if it's for dimes on the dollar then Omar should really think about pulling the trigger and giving someone other than me (and Rick Peterson) headaches.