Easy On The Pissery

I love the Mets.

I'm sure that fact is easy to forget from your perspective as you read my constant razzes, piling on, and flat out pissery. (If Snoop Manuel can make up crackpot theories as to why Oliver Perez is wild, then I can make up new meanings for existing words, so deal with it.) So it's something I need to make it clear and reiterate sometimes. Everyone has their cross to bear ... loving the Mets is mine.

Yet I'm not one of those people that think winter is cold and lonely and that I need to inject caffeine straight into my veins to get through the 3-4 months without real live baseball. Winter is fun. This might have been more fun than others. I saw the Jets get to the AFC Championship game. I saw USA Hockey get to overtime of the gold medal game, and I'm about to go on the wild ride that is the Rangers make a big push for ninth place. Woo hoo.

And I also saw the Nets win six games ... one of them against the Celtics after they traded for Nate Robinson.

(After that I saw a chipmunk on downers with a broken leg drop 40 points on Robinson.)

Winter? Suits me just fine. A winter without the Mets? Probably did a little good for my sanity.

And yet I knew ... I knew that I was growing wistful for the Mets when I was watching the Winter Olympics, and I couldn't watch John Shuster cost the American curlers three wins on last rock without thinking of Aaron Heilman. And when all the alpine skiers started looking like Jose Offerman angrily wielding a baseball bat at a minor league pitcher, I knew I was starting to miss the game.

But when I was yelling at Carlos Baerga last night for missing an easy tag on Joe Girardi during the airing of a game that happened 14 years ago ... a game the Mets won, I knew I needed a ballgame, quickly.

Thankfully, we'll get one today.

And it's fitting that in the first game against a live opponent (don't give me intersquad ... we talkin' bout practice, man) it's Nelson Figueroa that will get the start. Not only is it nice to see Nelson get a chance to make the team after being tossed around the organization like a Jeremy Reed throw from first, it provides a certain symmetry from tossing in those long shadows that only meaningless October baseball can provide to pitching in the splashy sun that only spring training in Florida can muster up. It's Figueroa who provides the bridge between the despair of last season and the promise of 2010. And if you've reached the end of that bridge without jumping, then welcome to the season. If you haven't reached the end of the bridge, you've got about a month to get there.

But whether you're ready, or you're not, there's one thing we can all agree on:

How the hell did Baerga miss that tag? It's Joe Girardi for crissakes! A damn catcher!!! When are we going to be out from Baerga's contract so we can go sign Luis Castillo?

In Case You Might Have Missed This

Remember when former Met Jose Offerman charged a pitcher with a bat?

Well, he tried to top that Saturday night.



Nice to know that anger therapy worked so well. Too bad Snoop Manuel wasn't there to defuse the situation with a joke.

"TV replays show that [Daniel] Rayburn falls when he loses his balance, but not because Offerman hit him." -Licey Tigers GM Fernando Ravelo

"Yes my client shot the man seventeen times, your honor. But clearly he died of the cancer that was ravaging his body. So hereto forth my client should go free, your honor."

In a related story, Omar Minaya has signed Offerman to a two year deal because Omar likes the "fire in his belly."

Free Flowing All Star Hostility

I would have thrown a brick through my television after the American League's latest All-Star victory ... but I had already thrown the brick through the T.V. when I was watching a replay of the 1995 game earlier today, and Robby Alomar pinch ran for Carlos Baerga.

Oh, and a second brick finished the job when I realized that in 1995, Jose Offerman was an All-Star.

I don't know what's worse. Jose Offerman appearing in an All-Star game, or Angel Hernandez getting to umpire in one. What, was a hallucinating squirrel not available?

And count me as the millionth person who has complained about this, but how can we have a dedicated camera to get a shot inside the nostrils of some actor from Fringe, but no camera available to show us if the President of the United States threw a strike on the ceremonial first pitch???

Or was that camera sent to stake out Brett Favre's workout for the Vikings? Please, FOX, get out of the baseball business and stick to your little Dow Jones reality show where you mix stock tips and beer. ("Buy Apple! Hiccup ...")

Now it's all good, because all Tuesday means is that the Phillies aren't going to have home field advantage in Game 7 when they win the World Series in five games and drive me over the edge for good. But seriously, that starting lineup the N.L. put out there outside of David Wright must have been put together by Satan himself ... Hanley Ramirez? Chase Utley? Albert Pujols? Raul Ibanez? Shane Victorino? Yadier Freakin' Molina? All on one lineup? Whoopie!!!

Man ... if Larry Jones had started instead of Wright I would have had a drink with those Happy Hour guys to commemorate it. (Get me a vodka stinger with a Clorox back, and step on it!)

Superman: Son Of Jo-El

I don't get it ... do the Mets orbit around a different colored sun that turns Jo-El Pineiro into a super hero?

That has to be the explanation. Oh you remember Jo-El as the guy who helped wreck the Mets season in 2007. And he was back at it again earlier this season. But Tuesday night was the topper as Pineiro hurled a two hit shutout and had as many hits at the plate as he gave up from the mound.

To reiterate: Joel Pineiro.

Not Bob Gibson ...

not Luis Tiant ...

not even Wade Boggs.

No, we talkin' 'bout Jo-El Pineiro ... who's obviously a combination of all three when he faces the Mets. Against everyone else, he's 1-8 in his last nine. Clark Kent for the rest of the National League, Jo-El of Krypton against the Mets. Of course.

In fact, Pineiro's hitting exploits had more of an effect on this game than he'll ever imagine. Snoop Manuel, obviously buoyed by the offensive exploits of Jo-El, decided he'd go one better: He called a hit and run with Livan Hernandez at the plate.

Now I know that this isn't your typical Mets/Cardinals rivalry ... it used to be that the Mets were the power hitting team and the Cardinals were the "go-go" team. That's what made that rivalry great because it wasn't just a battle between two hated rivals, it was a clash of baseball philosophies. And it feels weird to root for the team that has to be creative on offense, yet with all of the Mets' injuries, that's the world we live in.

That said, a hit and run with Livan Hernandez??? Has Snoop finally lost his ever-loving mind???

All right, so there weren't that many opportunities to do this tonight with Dizzy Dean on the mound, but inside a glass box marked "break in case of emergency" deep in the bowels of Citi Field, there lies a list of people decreed by baseball who should never be holding a bat during a hit and run. On this list:

• Chris Davis (because the Rangers' first baseman has the highest swing and miss rate in the league, and is single handedly ruining not one, but three of my fantasy teams)
• Pete Rose (because he's sixty-eight years old)
• My niece (because she's eight)
• Livan Hernandez
• Jose Offerman (because we know what he has tried to do with a bat)

Predictably, the result was a disaster, much like the rest of this game ... and every game that Jo-El of Krypton pitches against this team of nine Jimmy Olsens and zero General Zods.

***

This may be a little late in getting to you, but if you feel like drowning your sorrows in steak, you can do so and help a good cause at the same time: Ron Darling and Bobby Ojeda will be at Gallagher's Steak House at 228 W. 52nd St. (between B'way and 8th) for a benefit for Urban Dove to assist New York City’s At-Risk Youth. Call 212-245-5336 for a last minute reservation, or tell your friends. And if there's none left when you call ... well, blame me.

***

Maybe to change the Mets luck, they can play this little ditty as the team hits the field at home:



I'll take it in lieu of Sweet Caroline.

Gross Instability

As someone who has turned his ankle a few times, let me be the first to say...

Ouch.

You can always tell when I'm coming by the clicking sound that my ankle makes when it's involved in the process of walking. You see, one too many turned left ankles on the basketball court ended that 0.00001% chance of me becoming the next Larry Bird (lousy bone chips). After Damion Easley's left ankle hit the ground on Saturday (with no Lawrence Taylor to expedite the process as he did with a certain former Redskins QB turned ESPN announcer in the exact same stadium), I wonder if he's going to hear that same clicking sound for a while after Easley was diagnosed with a Grade 3 sprain.

Grade three, if you're wondering, is really bad.

"Complete tear of the ligament. If the examiner pulls or pushes on the ankle joint in certain movements, gross instability occurs."

Of course, this would happen about an inning after Easley's immeasurable value was being discussed in the booth during tonight's game. What does this mean? It means Shawn Green at first base against lefties until Carlos Delgado gets back. Please get well soon, Carlos. And Damion...well, just get well. Soon may be too much to ask.

(You know, I hear Jose Offerman's available.)

And of course this would happen after the Mets lost another catcher to the DL today, as Fluff Castro still has an arthritic back.

(I know about bad backs. I also know of the rigors of catching, as I was pressed into duty as an emergency catcher for a company team in a tournament some years back...I wasn't even a part of that company but they begged me. That was their first mistake. Let's just say that it was so bad that I got special dispensation from the umpire to wear my shin guards while I was batting...because it wasn't like I was making contact with the ball anyway and if I did, It wasn't like I could get much slower. I just didn't want to break my toe fouling a ball off. So how bad was I? Let's just say that it's a good thing that this boxscore is never going to show up on Retrosheet or anything like that. And by the way, Alberto Castillo laughs at me.)

But otherwise, this was an extremely productive night in the standings for the Mets as they have gained a game on their competition with a 7-4 victory, coupled with Micah Owings having a little league game against the Braves, and the Pirates coming back from four down against the Phillies At least they've never done that against the Met...oh, wait.

I like the fact that Oliver Perez gutted through his six innings. But I'm still wondering if he's hit some sort of wall. He is lacking a little bit of velocity and an ever so slight bit of movement. It's a good sign when Perez can win with guile like Tom Glavine does, because maybe he can use these smarts when his stuff comes back.

I just hope he doesn't have to do it that often.

I wonder if John Lannan would have rather given up number 756 to Barry Bonds than give up Luis Castillo's first home run in one year, one month, and two days (or 674 at-bats if you choose to count that way). Between breaking Chase Utley's hand, pitching to Bonds, and now this, it's already been a lifetime of cool memories about John Lannan. (I can't wait until he mathematically eliminates the Mets from playoff contention in 2014 with a two-hitter. You know it's coming.)

(P.S. My crack staff has been following Guillermo Mota around after tonight's game. Apparently he was seen visiting every White Castle in the D.C. area...hoping that with all the sliders they have, maybe they're the ones that stole his by mistake. If he finds it, he can always reapply it in cream or clear form.)

Quick! Name That Ex-Met:

If you said Jose Offerman, you're not only right, you're a keen observer of detail. If you're wondering why he has a bat in his hands while on the mound...well I'm not sure I know the answer to that myself. Ummm, he's a moron, perhaps?

"Long Island Ducks shortstop Jose Offerman charged the mound wielding a bat Tuesday night after being hit by a pitch, according to the Connecticut Post. Bridgeport Bluefish starting pitcher Matt Beech hit Offerman in the second inning and a brawl ensued that resulted in Offerman's arrest. He was being held on $10,000 bond on a second-degree assault charge. Offerman hit a home run in the first inning and was hit by a 0-1 fastball in the calf. Offerman's attack left Beech with a broken middle finger on his non-throwing right hand. Also injured was catcher John Nathans, who suffered from symptoms related to a concussion."

Excellent. That's how to shake the image of a bitter old man. Way to go Jose.

Wait...Long Island Ducks shortstop Jose Offerman?

Shortstop? He's like 100 years old!

I feel like Jose just gave me a concussion with a bat.

Oh, let me reiterate in this space that Jose Offerman is a douchebag.