Call Off The Drought, It's Raining Good Times

Nice of Brian Stokes to throw Frankie Rodriguez a save chance ... his first since the all-star break. Because we wouldn't want Frankie to get rusty.

And we certainly wouldn't want him to go as long without a save as Angel Pagan went without a home run.

How great was that grand slam that gave the Mets a 9-5 win? Wallace Matthews had nice things to say about it. What's next ... giraffes flying by my window? Joker's Wild comes back on television? Oliver Perez pitches a decent game?

It Can Get Worse: Let Us Count The Ways

You're probably thinking that it couldn't get any worse after losing 15-0 to the New York Yankees.

Just like you thought that there was no way it could get worse after Luis Castillo's dropped pop-up.

And I'm sure you thought that the Mets couldn't possibly top Ryan Church missing third base and all the errors in the bottom of that inning for sheer comedy.

Well, as I'm sure you've learned, it can always get worse. And for the New York Mets, it most assuredly will get worse. Join me in staring down the crystal ball to find out just how it will get worse, as we look ahead to ten losses that will shape the Mets season:

Sunday, June 28: The Mets enter the ninth inning with a 13-0 lead against the Yankees, yet Snoop Manuel brings in Frankie Rodriguez to get some work in. Against a Yankees lineup which rested their stars for the latter half of the game, he gives up 14 runs including a two run HR by Brian Bruney, who came in the game for Nick Swisher who blew out his arm while pitching. The Mets lose 14-13.

Sunday, July 12: Frankie gets Jay Bruce to pop up with the bases loaded and the Mets up by two. But as Luis Castillo settles under it and puts two hands up, Jose Reyes is so happy for him that he tackles Castillo in celebration. One problem: Reyes mobbed him before the ball came down. Three runs scored after the ball drops as the Mets lose 6-5. The play is ruled a grand slam single.

Sunday, July 26: With every member of the Mets pitching staff having incarcerated by the Houston P.D. the night before, the Mets force Brian Stokes into action to pitch a complete game. After throwing 147 pitches, 127 of which for strikes, the Mets lose 2-1 to the Astros when Stokes throws a double play ball over the screen behind home plate with the bases loaded. Manuel vows to put Stokes in non-pressure situations going forward.

Monday, July 27: Todd Helton hits a screaming line drive to Gary Sheffield for the final out of the game ... and he catches it with two hands. But the umpires go to instant replay to find that the ball was hit so hard that a stitch from the baseball flew off the ball and flew towards the stands, barely grazing the Subway sign forcing the umpires to rule the play a two run homer, giving the Rockies their 42nd straight win.

Thursday, August 6: Ryan Church blasts a grand slam with two outs in the ninth against closer Heath Bell to give the Mets a 6-3 lead. However, Church is called out as he missed second base. Not only did the four runs come off the board, the official scorer takes away the remaining two runs because upon video review, Church actually had the audacity to miss every single base, and the Mets lose 3-0.

Monday, August 24: After not pitching for the previous 27 games, Brian Stokes comes in a tight situation: down by a run in the ninth, bases loaded, and Chase Utley at the plate with one out. Stokes goes 3-0 on Utley, after which Manuel visits the mound to have a heated discussion with Stokes. The next pitch is grounded back to Stokes, who holds on to the ball and doesn't throw it anywhere ... all the while staring back at Manuel in the dugout. As teammates try to pry the ball loose from Stokes, all four runs score as the Mets go on to lose 15-4. Stokes is released soon after the game and the Mets pick up Aaron Heilman off waivers.

Friday, August 28: Johan Santana is one out away from pitching the first no-hitter in Mets history at Wrigley Field when the first pitch he throws to the final batter dips under 90 mph. An ambulance immediately comes on the field to take Santana away for an MRI. "Now?" Santana asks ... "Yes, now" say the doctors. The ambulance, packed with every other Mets pitcher but one, drives Santana away. The one healthy pitcher left, Heilman, gives up back to back homers to Tuffy Rhodes and Pumpsie Green as the Mets lose 2-1.

Friday, September 4th: With the Mets down 4-3 and a runner on third base in the bottom of the 12th, Carlos Beltran drives a long one out home run headed towards the Pepsi Porch. But at that moment a fan, dissatisfied with his fish sandwich from the "Catch of the Day" stand for some reason, throws the remaining portion of the sandwich towards the field. The sandwich hits the ball, which changes direction and falls into the glove of Milton Bradley for the second out. Bradley then fires a strike to third base to double off Jose Reyes, who scored without tagging up and was already in the shower. Mets lose 4-3.

Friday, September 18th: The Mets lose 2-1 to the Washington Nationals, after they've traded Adam Dunn, Joe Beimel, Ryan Zimmerman, Julian Tavarez, John Lannan, Cristian Guzman, Nick Johnson, Anderson Hernandez, Elijah Dukes, Austin Kearns, and Joel Hanrahan for middling prospects. All of Steven Strasburg's 27 outs came via the strikeout in his major league debut as the Nationals lineup consists of Jesus Flores, Willie Harris, the four guys who dress in the President suits, and Screech the Mascot. The guy in the Teddy Roosevelt suit hits two home runs off of Oliver Perez and also wins his first mascot race between innings.

Sunday, October 4th: The Mets, incredibly, are tied for the wild card lead with the San Francisco Giants with one game left to go. Oliver Perez starts for the Mets, and he squares off with Mike Hampton. Perez actually pitches a good game, going six innings and giving up three runs before giving way to the bullpen. Hampton was better, going eight and 2/3's only giving up two runs. But he got himself into a sticky situation loading the bases with David Wright at the plate. The Astros brought in Hampton's 14-year-old son Gage to face Wright, and Gage strikes him out to end the game, and eventually end the Mets' season as the Giants defeated the Padres later that day.

When asked how he picked up on the subtleties of pitching to major league hitters so quickly by the New York media, Gage credited a solid Colorado education.

You Get What You Pay For

It's not so much that Derek Lowe beat the Mets on Monday. Oh no, because I resigned myself to the fact that somehow he was going to outduel Johan Santana.

But it's more the fact that while Derek Lowe was beating the Mets on Monday, the guy who the Mets chose over him wasn't on the mound getting blown out opposite Lowe, or on the bench waiting for his next turn ... but was in Florida watching basketball. (I didn't know that the patella tendinitis access seating was so low. Maybe I could fake an injury and get those seats.)

The only thing that shocks me in this whole scenario is that Perez wasn't the one who got run over by Big Baby Davis.

So those of you who are sick of the juxtaposition of Lowe and Perez, you shouldn't read the papers tomorrow. You probably shouldn't read the blogs. And you definitely shouldn't have read the previous three paragraphs. (There's a warning that does you little good.)

All I know is that the Mets played hardball with Lowe because they knew that Perez was an available backup option, due to the fact that no other team had shown any interest in Oliver Perez. So Lowe called the Mets bluff and took the fourth year from Atlanta and the Mets signed Perez. The Mets probably felt fortunate that nobody else showed any interest in Perez. Shouldn't they have wondered why that was the case?

Well, the Mets saved $24 million on that one. Good for them. Too bad the other $36 million could have been better spent on cigarettes, or given to orphans, or set on fire. In fact, it would have been better served being set on fire with a cigarette by an orphan.

But it was more than that which beat the Mets tonight. Forget about lack of run support ... since the Mets were facing Lowe we should have known runs would be at a premium. But how about a lack of defense? How can Santana lose two games already this season where he doesn't give up an earned run? Teams usually make more errors behind pitchers who don't keep their fielders on their toes by throwing a lot of balls out of the strike zone like, say, Oliver Perez. But does Johan Santana really deserve that treatment?

And let's not also forget Snoop leaving Pedro Feliciano in to face Matt "I hit .323 against lefties in my career" Diaz (that's pronounced DIE!!!-az). See, he could have had Brian Stokes in there against DIE!!!-az, but I guess Stokes has been typecast as the guy who can only play the part of the pitcher who comes in to clean up after the mansion has already been broken into. Stokes must now know how Mark Hamill felt.

The good news, as usual, is that there's another game tonight. Though it probably won't be the one Oliver Perez is at. You never know where you'll find him tomorrow ...

A Little To The Left

Here's the question that you, the Met fan, need ask yourself at this moment:

Would you rather have a second lefty on the roster, even if that second lefty has proven himself to be a complete bum? Or ...

Do you fill the remaining spots with righties that have proven to be useful parts of baseball society in the spring?

Ron Villone not being able to get lefties out today against Detroit, combined with Bobby Parnell pitching a stellar inning makes the question an interesting one. You want to take your chances with righties like Parnell, Darren O'Day, Brian Stokes, and perhaps Carlos Muniz's New Splitter (sounds like a movie) against the likes of Ryan Howard, Chase Utley, and Raul Ibanez? Or do you want another lefty to boo at home?

And how much more difficult is this question to answer knowing that you have guys like Will Ohman out there practically begging for a job with a contender. It's such a sad sight ... I wish it didn't have to come to this for Ohman:

The Manifesto (New And Improved)

Guess that sabbatical I suggested last year wouldn't have been such a bad option, eh?

There's a saying, you might have heard of it.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

That's how I feel. Not that this team duped me, but that I let this team dupe me. To a certain extent, we were all fooled by this team ... that this time would have been different. This team, with Daniel Murphy and Argenis Reyes and Nick Evans and an improved Mike Pelfrey and a more focused Oliver Perez and a rejuvenated Carlos Delgado and a revived Jose Reyes and a more honest Snoop Manuel and a less complicated Dan Warthen and Billy Wagner pitching from the windup and all of the moving parts that made the 2008 team less "bored" than their 2007 counterparts and that this team was choke-proof.

We put our blinders on and begged this team to tell us it would be all right. And if it wasn't going to be all right, we begged them to lie to us.

I was fooled. Again. Roger Daltrey, I'm not.

I was looking for the footnote to 2007. Seven games with seventeen to play is a monumental choke job. There were two footnotes that were possible when history was to look back on 2007. One of them was: "The Mets would bounce back from that horrible collapse to make the playoffs the following season." The other was "The Mets would plunge into the abyss after the collapse, missing post season play for the next 25 seasons."

No way did I think of the third option: "The Mets repeated their historic collapse of 2007 in 2008 when they were once again eliminated on the final day of the season by the Florida Marlins." But that's what we're stuck with. Because one choke is a fluke ... two is a trend.

(And three is grounds for contraction.)

Here's what's bothering me already about Collapse Part II: Every time somebody who watches maybe nine innings of baseball all year tell me that this team needs intangible, imaginary concepts like "heart" and "fire" and "guts". I've heard it already. I've used those terms. Sometimes, they apply. This year, they're inconsequential. We don't need "heart" or "fire" or "guts".

We need a bullpen.

Whereas 2007 was one giant choke, 2008 was more like many small chokes encompassed into a big picture that you need to look past the "big picture" to really see. Not that it's any consolation to us, but 2008 was less choke and more suck. If baseball was an eight inning game, the Mets would have had an eight game lead going into the final weekend of the season. Curse you Abner Doubleday for choosing the number 9.

But most of all, curse you Mets bullpen. Curse you Mets bullpen for being the sole ... and I mean the sole reason that the Brewers are going to Philadelphia and not to the golf course where they've been every year since Ben Oglivie roamed County Stadium. And curse you for forcing me to resort to the most simple and the least eloquent to put your accomplishments into a tidy twenty words or less:

You all suck.

When Oliver Perez was slugging through his innings of work on Sunday, I thought of the relief pitchers I would want to keep for '09. The first guy I thought of was Joe Smith. And I'm guessing that Snoop agreed with me. When Perez started slowing down, in came Smith into an impossible situation: bases loaded, one out. He was lucky to escape with only letting one of Ollie's runs to score.

The second guy I thought of? Brian Stokes ... because we need a long man. And he was second in to preserve the tie game that Carlos Beltran created with his two run HR that rocked the house for ... what turned out to be ... the final time. Stokes also didn't disappoint with a scoreless inning.

After that, I really don't trust anybody to come back. But if you had put a gun to my head for a third guy? You guessed it, the third guy in. Scott Schoeneweis.

Um, never mind. I'll stick with two.

But really, if everybody in that bullpen was to depart I wouldn't be heartbroken. Certainly, the only way anybody in that bullpen besides Smith and Stokes attends Opening Day at Corporate Field is either with a ticket or a contract with the Padres. And I'm to the point now ... at this very moment ... if anybody besides Johan Santana were to leave this team, I'd shrug my shoulders in an act of indifference. That includes the Carloses, that includes Jose Reyes, that includes the very handsome David Wright, that includes everyone.

And that's why I'm glad that the current team didn't show their faces at the Shea Goodbye ceremony. Some may disagree, but it took a lot of effort to get the angry crowd (or the portion that didn't leave right after the game like myself) to feel good about anything. And the ceremony actually accomplished that ... seeing this current crop of star-crossed imitators posing as Mets would only send the crowd back to step one of the twelve step program.

We certainly needed one today with the range of emotions the crowd had to go through today. Ticket holders today had just about an hour and a half to go from happy to angry to morose to sullen to nostalgic all at once. After the sixth inning, I'm thinking about changing work schedules so I could get to Game 3 of the Cubs/Mets playoff series on Saturday. By the ninth inning, I'm looking up at the soda stains on the back of the upper deck stands ... trying to take in every nook and cranny that this Stadium had to offer me in the last 32 years of my life, and resigning myself to the fact that "Holy crap, this is it. Once I leave here, that's that."

And that's why I had to stay. Some left, and I can't blame them. Everybody has to deal with these things in their own way. I stayed. I'm glad I did. It started with some reminders as to why we're thought of as second class citizens by the people that provide us with this stupid sport called "baseball", as we were told at 5:23 that the ceremony would start in five minutes. Eight minutes later we were told the ceremony would start in two minutes. This confirmed what we already knew: that this team's only good at counting when they're counting the money they're going to make by selling the dugouts and the championship banners and the NYC parks logos that encase the trees.

Sorry if that comes off as being petulant.

(Some Phillies website referred to my Choke Manifesto from last season as "petulant". I don't necessarily disagree, and there's sure to be more of it in the coming post, and in the coming weeks and months. So if you're expecting anything different, you might be disappointed.)

Then we were reminded that there were very important Mets that had "other things to do" rather than be here for the only closing ceremony that Shea Stadium will ever know. Great, more misery. Not that Nolan Ryan, Hubie Brooks, Mookie Wilson and the like didn't have better things to do. But after what Mets fans had to endure on Sunday, the previous week, and the previous two years, everything felt like a slight.

But then the players who were here came out. And we were excited again for a few minutes. The highlights, of course, were guys like Doc, Darryl, Piazza, and Tom Terrific. But what got me were the guys that helped introduce me to baseball that you don't see anymore. Did anybody really expect to see Dave Kingman come back (or for that matter, show his face in public anywhere?) When was the last time Craig Swan was at Shea Stadium? And my first ever favorite Met, Doug Flynn? They really invited Doug Flynn? Boy, I didn't think this organization had it in 'em to be all-inclusive and recognize players from all eras and not just the good ones. The Mets have been accused of not recognizing their history. Every single criticism in that regard has been well deserved.

But Doug Flynn? Well played, evil geniuses ... well played.

It was all emotional, and it made us forget for a little while that our franchise is once again the joke of the sporting world. But it reminded us that this is it. The old barn is gone forever. No playoff games with the Cubs ... and no next season. It'll be knocked down and made into a parking lot by April.

It's a lot of childhood they're knocking down.

Unfortunately, every time I think about all the good times I've had at Shea, and even the multitude of bad events I've witnessed personally (Pendleton in '87, Gibson in '88, the Yankees clincher in 2000, Scott Speizio in '06), I'll think about the fact that while our bullpen sucks, it was former Met Matt Lindstrom officially closed out Shea Stadium by knocking the Mets out of the playoffs. And that it was the Marlins who were scooping dirt from home plate as a keepsake ... and as a symbol of conquest.

And that the Honeymooners episode that was shown tonight was the one I referenced yesterday: the one with the cornet. Everything was supposed to be louder than everything else. Instead, Shea Stadium exits stage left ... quietly.

Life Is A Highway

Schoeneweis: Thanks for the ride, Johan.

Santana: My pleasure.

Stokes: Yeah, we've had smooth sailing with no traffic for 200 miles, and now we're almost home.

Feliciano: Thanks Johan.

Santana: Always glad to ... uh oh.

Stokes: What is it Johan?

Santana: Guys, my foot fell asleep. I'm pulling over. One of you is going to have to drive the last three miles home.

Schoeneweis: I'll do it (trades places with Johan and takes the wheel.)

Schoeneweis: Three miles, can't be too hard

(Schoeneweis runs over a squirrel, then swerves into a ditch.)

Schoeneweis: Oh no! What are we going to do?

Stokes: Let's get the car out of the ditch and I'll drive (the guys push the car out and drive off.)

Stokes: There, just a little detour, we'll be fine (slams into an 18 wheeler, the car comes to rest by the guard rail.)

Stokes: Dammit!

Santana: What the hell is wrong with you guys?

Feliciano: Guys, we need some gas. Let's hit the rest stop ... I'll drive.

(The guys drive into the rest stop, and slam into the gas station. Santana's car explodes into a fireball, the guys ... somehow ... are unharmed.)

Santana: You idiots!!! That's the seventh Mercedes you guys have wrecked! Why do I drive with you guys??!? How the hell are we going to get home???

Stokes: Hey, there's another car in the lot, it's a pick up truck!

Schoeneweis: You mean the one with the vanity plates?

Stokes: Yeah, NIESE 49.

Feliciano: Hey buddy? Can you give us a lift? Hey? HEEEEEEEEY?!?

Niese: (Locks doors and speeds off.)

Schoeneweis: Aww.

(Editor's note: No squirrels were harmed in the making of this short.)

Get Outta My Head

You ever get the feeling that people are surfing the personal internet that's inside your brain?

Like when earlier today I had been perusing the bullpen statistics ... specifically the splits of the main bullpen culprits, er ... I mean pitchers, and found the following:

Schoeneweis:
.151/.224 vs. Left (Avg/OBP against)
.330/.426 vs. Right

Feliciano:
.207/.269 vs. Left
.344/.427 vs. Right

Smith:
.203/.288 vs. Right
.311/.426 vs. Left

Heilman:
.215/.320 vs. Right
.310/.401 vs. Left

Stokes:
.175/.175 vs. Right
.371/.421 vs. Left

And I'm thinking: "Ooh, I can put these splits in my back pocket and spring 'em in a future post dissecting the bullpen. It'll be great, they'll never expect me to go all statistical on 'em, they'll just expect another Robby Alomar joke. Oh, It'll be great."

So what do you think happens? Of course, SNY breaks out the lefty/righty split graphic during Tuesday's game ensuring that I'll just look like a copycat fool when my master bullpen dissection comes out. The one time I get all stat geek and it's ruined ... ruined I say!

But it doesn't take a genius, a stat geek, or a Mets television network to point out what's so wrong with this bullpen and why it needs to be revamped next season: Everybody in the pen is a specialist. Schoeneweis, Heilman, Smith and Feliciano ... when used right ... should be guys who are facing one or two batters. The Mets don't really have anybody who could face anybody. Except ...

The one guy who's splits were on the SNY graphic didn't belong:

Sanchez:
.261/.331 vs. Right
.217/.314 vs. Left

That's a weird one because his numbers are slightly worse against righties, correct? And the OBP againsts are similar against both lefties and righties. It doesn't make much sense. But the splits get more normal when you go back to his salad year of '06:

.179/.266 vs. Right
.276/.362 vs. Left

So even Sanchez falls along that specialist line. But he's been an eighth inning guy before, so one would think it would be imperative for him to somehow regain a little of that '06 magic if this bullpen is going to last to and through October without dropping dead.

Until then, we'll take ninth innings like Tuesday night, where Stokes put a runner on (after two solid innings) before Feliciano got the lefty Prince Fielder to double himself up, and Smith came in to wipe out Corey Hart and give the Mets an opportunity to win the game in the tenth.

Ayala:
.291/.333 vs. Right
.259/.341 vs. Left
.241/.301 with nobody on
.321/.379 with runners on

If Luis Ayala could stop giving up rallies with two outs (started by guys who look like Bob Hamelin's distant relatives), he could be a guy who could not only close, but could slide into an eighth inning role if/when Country Time comes back.

***

Jon Niese's scouting reports says that he likes to compete, which basically makes him the anti-Steve Trachsel.

Niese gave up five runs in three plus innings against the Brewers tonight in his major league debut ... which is two innings more than Trachsel lasted in Game 3 of the 2006 NLCS.

Basically, when you talk about a full list of Met pitchers from best to worst, all you have to do is just kinda show up and you'll surpass Trachsel.

***

And by the way, if you're interested in reading about Cody Ross popping off some more on Mike Pelfrey, then you should check this out. Try not to giggle uncontrollably.

The Cavalry (Or Calvary) Is On The Way

The Mets apparently don't care about crowded houses. They're calling up nine guys for the September stretch drive ... and apparently the surprise is that most teams don't call up nearly that many players when the rosters expand.

My surprise is that the Mets didn't use up all 15 of their extra available spots ... and that they were all relief pitchers. Need 12 outs? Use 12 pitchers. (Just make sure you pick up the 12 pitching arms from the side of the road in November.)

Conventional wisdom would tell you that our extra relievers ... Al Reyes, Bobby Parnell, Carlos Muniz and Ricardo Rincon would get the bulk of the work tomorrow so that our tired and our weary can yearn to breathe free in whatever huddled masses they'd like to join. Brian Stokes, for example, can join the huddled masses of the exhausted, having pitched in five straight games. Luis Ayala can join the huddled masses of those whose groins are tweaked. Aaron Heilman ... I don't even know what masses he's huddling in. I think they're giving him some bad advice.

But against the Milwaukee Brewers, that might not be possible. The good news is that Johan Santana goes for the Mets today, and he's capable of going nine. The bad news is that the Brewers slug .470 against lefties, and have an OPS of .820 (and against Johan and his longball tendencies that's trouble, not to mention Jon Niese makes his first start against these guys Tuesday ... welcome to the show, kid.) But here's the most important thing the Mets need to be mindful of this series: If they're lucky enough to make the playoffs, guess who they will probably get in Round One?

That's right, Milwaukee.

And while it's a relief that the Mets miss CC Sabathia this series, if they lose two of three or worse then they will have done so to a team that didn't have CC at their disposal over the next three games.

Good thing the cavalry is on its way (or is that calvary?) Maybe Labor Day isn't going to be so laborious after all.

Meeting Of The Minds

We set the scene in the Mets bullpen, during the first inning of Wednesday night's game against the Braves:

Schoeneweis: Hey everybody! Everybody! Gather your butts 'round here, Billy's got something to say to all of you!

Wagner: Thanks Scott. I want you all to know that just because I'm not going to be able to close for y'all in the foreseeable future cuz my elbow is the size of Fluff Castro's head, that you guys are more than capable to get the job done. In fact, I want to tell you that you guys are great, and there's not a guy out there that I would trade any of you for. People just focus on me because I have the closer title ... and the only reason that I'm a closer is that I stunk as a starter.

Heilman: You stunk as a starter?

Wagner: Why, yes I did.

Heilman: Tell us that story.

Wagner: What story?

Heilman: About how you stunk as a starter and are now the best closer in this bullpen? Please?

Wagner: Well, that's not really ...

Heilman: I WANT TO HEAR THE STORY!

Schoeneweis: Aaron! Pipe down!

Wagner: No Schoeney, it's okay. I'll tell the story.

Feliciano: Cool! Story time! Hey Joe, you have the candy in the Hello Kitty bag?

Smith: Yup. Hope you guys don't mind, I ate a lot of it ... just the stuff with the processed sugar.

Schoeneweis: Will you mutts stifle so Billy can tell his story ... we may have to pitch soon!

Wagner: Well, there's not too much to the story ... when I was at Quad City in 1994, I started 26 games, went 8-9, and walked 91 batters in 153 innings. So then after I started some in AAA, the Astros decided to make me a reliever. So I really mean it when I say that you're all better than me.

Smith: Ha ha, hahaa ha. I'm better than yooooooou. Hey, I wonder who else I'm better than (hops off).

Feliciano: That wasn't a very interesting story. Where's the compelling plot lines? The sultry ingenue? The action scenes?

Heilman: Wait a second, I wasn't that bad in Norfolk ... I didn't walk as many guys as you when I was a starter, and they didn't make me a closer. The Mets just made me a stupid seventh inning guy.

Smith: (licking the sugar off the inside of the candy bag) Ha ha hahaa, ha. I'm better than yooooooou, Aaron!

Heilman: No really, I only walked 66 in 151 innings in Norfolk and the Mets told me that I had to pitch in the stupid seventh inning. What does that say about me?

Schoeneweis: What Billy is trying to say is that you're all capable of closing so keep your chins up.

Heilman: My chins? Are you calling me fat? I'm going to go now. (stomps off)

Feliciano: Billy, if there was a movie made about you, who would you get to play you? John Malkovich?

Stokes: Edward Norton?

Schoeneweis: Jack Black!

Wagner: Close Schoneny ... John Franco.

Smith: Hey, you know who else I'm better than? John Smoltz. After 57 years as a starter, he was a reliever for a couple of years. That must mean he stunk as a starter too. So I must be better than him too, right? I'm better than Smollll-tziiiiiiie. I'm better than Smollll-tziiiiiiie.

Schoeneweis: You're a little dense. Hey what's Heilman doing over there?

Stokes: Schoeny, he said something about "goodbye cruel world" and I now think he's trying to slit his pinky finger with a spoon.

Heilman: I'll do it too if I can find only my wrist!

Stokes: What should I do, Billy?

Wagner: Leave him alone. He obviously lacks his tools and his command tonight so I wouldn't worry about him.

Smith: Hey, I'm reading Wikipedia, and there's this guy named Mathewson, and he had 28 career saves. So that must mean he stunk as a starter ... and he's in the Hall of Fame! So I'm better than him, right? Wow, I'm going to be in the Hall of Fame! Wait 'till I rub it in to the guys at Wrigley! I'm a Hall of Faaaaaaaaam-eeeeeeeeeer! I'm a Hall of Faaaaaaaaam-eeeeeeeeeer!

Schoeneweis: Wait a second, where's Filthy? Filthy! What are you doing in the corner???

Sanchez: I'm making a t-shirt for Johan! It says "I Went to the Dugout with a Three Run Lead and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt!"

Feliciano: What does it say on the back?

Sanchez: It says "Oh Yeah, and a No-Decision Too!"

Heilman: Ha ha, that's funny! Maybe this world isn't so cruel after all! I want to liiiiiiiiive!!!

Schoeneweis: Oh jeez, with all these basket cases I'd think it was Easter. I hope we don't have to pitch tonight.

Wagner: I wouldn't worry about that.

Al Reyes: All right boys, I'm here to help. Where's the candy?

Schoeneweis: Wait, you're a Met?

Al Reyes: Well, sort of. I'm a Binghamton Met.

Feliciano: Don't you play second base?

Stokes: I think that's Argenis.

Smith: Yay! We lead the league in Reyeses! Yaaaaaay! They're better than yooooooou! They're better than yooooooou!

Heilman: Where's that spoon?

Wagner: (Buries head in hands. Elbow inflames to the size of Mr. Met's head.)

Cousin Oliver Redux

Could Brian Stokes have been the key all along?

Now far be it from me to be the one to make excuses for the outfit in the pen and the way they've been going these days. Heck, during the early stages of the Mets' 10-0 lead tonight, when you were thinking if there was anyone out there who thought the Mets' bullpen could blow this lead, the answer was yes ... me! But here's what I'm thinking:

Forget the whole "different roles" thing. That's an excuse. A lame one at that. But could it be ... just maybe ... that the whole reason the bullpen has reaked of fresh roadkill is due to the lack of a long option in the pen?

When Darren Oliver played here in '06, the Mets' record in games he's pitched in was 17-28. Look through his game log and you'll see a lot of the scores of the games he's been in are of the 15-2, 11-3, 10-1 variety. Now, go through this season and check out the boxscores of similar games with similar scores. For example: May 12th against the Nationals, where the game was decided by the sixth inning:

Sosa 1 IP
Sanchez 1 IP
Smith 1 IP
Wagner 1 IP

How about two days earlier, a game which was 10-3 after six innings:

Heilman 1 IP
Feliciano 1 IP
Sosa (Who's this Sosa guy?) 1 IP

Even July 3rd, a game with was 11-0 after five and a half.

Schoeneweis 1 IP
Smith 1 IP

Games like this in 2006 saw Darren Oliver eat inning, after inning, after inning. The above blowouts featured names that would be better serve to use their limited bullets on close games, and not blowouts (though the Heilman appearance was very well one of those "I need to find my game" appearances. Apparently, he lost it again.)

Tonight was one of those games that you knew was going to be a patchwork bullpen game with John Maine restricted in his first game back from his shoulder issue. And in a game without Brian Stokes, even with the score 10-0 (which would end 12-0) you would have seen Schoeneweis pitch an inning ... Filthy pitch an inning ... Smith pitch an inning ... heck, Jorge Sosa could have come in tonight just for laughs (Sosa is in the Seattle organization, in case you were wondering. I know you weren't. Heck, I wasn't until I was looking through old boxscores. How did I miss Jorge Sosa going to Seattle? Or should the question be: How could I not?)

But with Stokes on the roster, he fills the Darren Oliver role and gives the rest of the beleaguered some rest by pitching four innings and getting a save in a 12-0 game. And now I'm wondering if there's a way to keep Stokes on the roster when Country Time comes back. Which of course, there is ... with Eddie Kunz eligible to be sent down, and Fluff Castro probably overdue for a spot on the D.L.

And speaking of bullpens, notice how the Phillies bullpen melted late for the second night in a row? Yes, I felt dirty rooting for Chan Ho Park. Dirtier still rooting for Joe Torre. And dirtiest of all when Jeff Kent was up with the Dodgers down by two runs and second and third, and he lined one down the left field line to tie the game which was met with "Yes! Jeff!" A swear which was quickly followed by "I still hate you Jeff!!!", which is the baseball equivalent of blessing yourself after you swear which is what my grandmother did a lot ... thank you, Nana!

But we'll have to send the Dodgers some sort of bouquet of flowers of some sort for sweeping the Phillies and helping the Mets climb back into a tie for first. Hopefully Manny doesn't think it's lettuce and mistakenly eats it. Thank you, Nomar.

Deepness Is Spreading

In a world that seems strange ... a world that seems to conspire against you, what with Paul Lo Duca jumping up about a hundred games in the standings and joining the Marlins for the express purpose of getting a key hit during the last game of the season to knock the Mets out of the playoffs, and Juan Samuel being inducted into the Phillies Wall of Fame during the same week he got a write-in vote for my Hall of Hate, take comfort that Daniel Murphy is on your side.

Murphy, batting .500 entering the game, is already receiving the respect of his peers, with Fredi Gonzalez going lefty-lefty on him in the sixth and bothering to bring in Reynel Pinto to face the rookie. That Gonzalez would be willing to burn a pitching change on a rookie is respect. That Murphy would make that move go up in flames by going deep to provide the margin of victory in an 8-6 win is cause for rejoice.

And that Brian Stokes would be the latest character from the minors to come up with a decent effort after I made fun of him just proves that maybe I should just learn to shut the hell up every once in a while and stop complaining about every low level minor league trade. Heck, he's the only Mets pitcher I've seen this season brush some hitters back, including Hanley "Waaah, I don't get as much coverage as Jose Reyes" Ramirez.

Although that's probably because he was wild and not because he was staking his claim to the inside of the plate. Oh well. I'll take it.

In An Alternate Universe

In an alternate universe, if Pedro Martinez was a Yankee, Joe Girardi would be complaining that it's not good baseball etiquette to work so many high counts on his pitcher during spring training ... breaks some sort of unwritten rule or something.

In an alternate universe, the flying bat shard that gave Carlos Delgado four stitches (and the equipment manager some nasty blood stains to practice on) would have been thrown by Roger Clemens, providing the smoking gun that would put him in jail for something once and for all (attempted murder).

In an alternate universe, a Molina brother (or non-brother like Gustavo) could get a green light from first to third without people screaming "Noooooooooooooooo!"

In an alternate universe, Fluff Castro would be durable, and there would be no chance of a Molina surname on the Mets.

In an alternate universe, Brian Stokes would be getting everybody out ... but nobody else in the bullpen could strike out their grandmother. So sometimes, the grass is greener in our own universe (kind of like the green on this blog today ... hey, if the Mets can wear green uniforms and throw off my retinas every March 17th, I figure I can do the same thing.)

***

Hey, have you ever had a completely off the chain spring training trip much like the one I had a couple of weeks ago? Better still, have you had a spring training trip that made mine look like a walk around the block? Perhaps you shared a beer with Bruce Berenyi, or you rode the Tower of Terror with Eric Valent in Disneyworld. Maybe when you were a kid Charlie Puleo showed you how to throw a change-up at Al Lang Field, leading you to take up baseball in high school and get lit up for four years (maybe you should have learned a split fingered fastball from Mike Scott instead, eh?)

You get the picture. If you've got a story like that, then Kathy would like to hear from you. E-mail her at chasingmets@verizon.net with your story, which will be included in her next project if it's wild enough. (One caveat: if your story involves Dave Kingman blowing you off for an autograph, don't bother. Dave Kingman has blown off everybody for an autograph. Kathy's looking for happy stories involving autographs, pictures, and perhaps a game of catch with Gary Rajsich.)

All Right, I'll Be The First

You saw the collapse last season.

You saw that strange news conference that basically announced that Willie Randolph was not going to be fired, where Willie looked extra lost without the mustache.

You saw Omar Minaya keep up his end of the bargain by acquiring one of the best pitchers in baseball (of course, I'm talking about Brian Stokes.)

So the question must be asked: What happens if the Mets start the season by falling behind the Braves, the Phillies, and even the Nationals by a good amount of games ... then what? When a team on paper as good as the Mets have, assuming that a slow start isn't caused by a key injury or two (or five), what's the quickest way to improve the team?

Do you make a trade? With the bulk of the top minor leaguers gone in the Johan Santana deal, good luck getting an impact player back.

Fire a coach to send a message? Rick Down would like to remind you that they've tried that already.

Raise ticket prices mid-season? Don't tempt the Wilpons.

That leaves one option: Willie Randolph.

He has to know. He's got to know. After last season's news conference, he's gotta know that his job could be on the line ... even if his job shouldn't be on the line. Because if that 3-8 start comes to fruition, somebody in the mainstream media is going to write it (and that someone will no doubt be Wally Matthews). And once that happens, the onslaught will snowball (too many metaphors?) to the point where Willie is going to feel the heat every day even if he never lets you see him sweat.

If that 3-8 start comes to fruition, you could probably read the comments before anybody writes 'em.

• How could Willie take Santana out in that situation, Omar only paid $137 and a half million for him! He's gotta go!
• Marlon Anderson to the plate against a lefty when you got Damion Easley sitting on the bench?
• Willie can't handle a small child much less a bullpen!

You know how I know those comments are coming if the Mets start 3-8? Because the comments would be there if the Mets start 8-3! A slow start combined with, say, Jimmy Rollins reminding everybody why he's the reigning N.L. MVP, and the Willie Randolph watch begins.

So I'll be the first to ask you this (because someone has to): Is Willie Randolph on the hot seat right now ... before the season even begins?

Stoked

This oughta make Billy Wagner happy.

The Mets went out and acquired a pitcher! Just not the one you want. They got Brian Stokes...most well known for playing Cam Winston on Frasier (at least to me).

Oh...sorry, that's Brian Stokes Mitchell.

The Brian Stokes the Mets got was from the Devil Rays...and all they gave up was cash (no truth to the rumor that the amount was $9,411), which will most likely be drawn from that "Alex Rodriguez home run bonus fund" that's now defunct. Stokes had a 2-7 record and a 7.07 ERA in 2007.

I think I'd rather have the actor.

The Rays could afford to give up this phenom as they are finalizing a trade for Matt Garza, which strikes one player off of Omar Minaya's wish list going into next week's winter meetings. The Mets envision Stokes as a perfect complement to pitchers like Jon Adkins, Jason Vargas, and Steve Schmoll, who need a fourth for their weekly poker game.