Two Thirds, Three Balls, And Six Runs Create The Circle Of Life

Oliver Perez waited on the mound for Jerry Manuel to reach him, no doubt to remove him from his much ballyhooed matchup with Pedro Martinez before Martinez could stroll to the mound. He didn't know what to do. All he knew was that he was being pulled with a 3-0 count on the opposing pitcher, and his career was crumbling around him.

So he walked off the mound, into the dugout, down the tunnel towards the clubhouse. He kept walking. Down the corridor, past the old home run apple, out the bullpen gate, over the chop shops, across the bridge ...

Down Main Street, past Parsons Boulevard, and off he went ... Walkman in tow, to search for the meaning of it all. He heard of the ovation that Pedro received, the inside the park home run, the attempted comeback, and the unassisted triple play. As his head filled with the news of the Mets' latest demise that he caused, he looked up at the combination of cumulus clouds and isolated thunderstorms that signify the mixed bag that was his life. He knew he needed a change. He knew that change would not come in Flushing, where the organization that gave him $36 million dollars was deciding that they would remain status quo for the foreseeable future.

Oliver thought much of the circular nature of life during his walk. Eric Bruntlett set up his historic triple play by making two errors to put runners on, so Bruntlett completed his circle. Of course, that whole inning doesn't happen without his six runs in two thirds and three balls. So where was Oliver's circle? Where could he go to complete his journey? Wandering around looking at clouds while three run homers fly over your head certainly wasn't the path of a thinking man such as Oliver.

AP Alert (New York) - Mets' pitcher Oliver Perez announces his
retirement.

And with that, Perez was officially disappeared. But the competitor in Oliver remained. He would stare out his window that night. And when he wasn't imagining the tooth fairy spreading pixie dust all over the neighborhood, his brain was on an endless search to quench the competitive craze inside him. It was at that moment that he took a look at one of the many newspapers that he had ordered subscriptions to in Buffalo when he was bored during his rehab stint:

"Eureka! If this guy Favor can do it, so can I! I'm going to un-retire and play for the Vikings!!!"

The news conference was, in no exaggeration, bizarre. Capping off a day where news helicopters chronicled the landing of his personal airplane, the Vikings.com server crashed upon the flood of clicks to order a "46" jersey, and the ceremony upon where Perez's jersey said "Oliver" on the back ("I wanted it to be like my idol, Vida Blue"), Brad Childress, Ziggy Wilf, and Perez took the podium in Minneapolis without realizing where Perez would play. Quarterback, after all, was taken. Perez needed a position which was available, and where he would cause the least damage. Long snapper seemed like the perfect compromise.

But it was slow going for Perez, coming into camp mid-stream, learning a new position. Many of his snaps would hit Ryan Longwell in the face. Childress had a problem ... how could the Vikes have a kicking game if his new long snapper misses the holder completely? Surely, Favre can't keep going for it on fourth down. Not even a call to old pitching coach Rick Peterson would help.

BC: Coach? Coach Peterson?

RP: Yeah?

BC: Hi, it's Brad Childress. I want to ask you about Oliver Perez ...

RP: (click)

But then, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, former Viking great Fran Tarkenton agreed to talk Perez through his problems as a special consultant. Tarkenton and Perez would sit around the camp fire, and Fran would tell the most wonderful stories.

FT: Yeah Oliver, I knew a guy who juggled knives, another guy who stayed in a small box for hours on end, and still another guy tried to catch a bullet between his teeth!

OP: Wow Fran, that's incredible!

FT: I know! That's what I kept saying! But don't try this at home.

And with that, Ollie was rolling. Thanks to his new mechanics, and his friendship with Tarkenton, all his snaps were true. Longwell was perfect for the season, Chris Kluwe led the league in net punting average, and Perez was the getting more hits on his player page than any other long snapper on the internet. Life was good. The Vikings were going to Dallas to take on the Cowboys in the playoffs was even better.

There was added pressure on Perez for the game, as he was going to play center in the shotgun formation, snapping the ball to a Hall of Fame quarterback. Tarkenton told him that whatever he did, to be sure to snap the ball high to Favre. It wasn't the kind of pre-game pep talk he was used to from Fran, and he went into the game tight. Sure enough, when Childress called for the shotgun team with two minutes left in the half, Perez went into the game at center ... and had the most brutal athletic competition of his career. His first snap hit the scoreboard. His second snap rolled to Favre. His third snap went so far out of the end zone, it took a great catch by Endy Chavez from keeping the football from going into the first row of the stands.

OP: Why'd you tell me that, Fran?

FT: HA HA HA HA HA!!! I hate that sonofabitch Favre! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

OP: Oh.

The Vikes were out of the playoffs. The love affair between Minneapolis and Perez was over. Talk radio was all over him to make a decision about his playing career. It was then that Perez announced his retirement to ESPN's Ed Werder.

EW: Can you say without hesitation that you're retired for good?

Perez: Yeah ... yeah I can. And I'm comfortable with that.

But it wasn't over. After a very brief stint with the circus as a knife thrower, Perez wanted to return to baseball ... and he wanted to return with the Phillies. After the retirements of Pedro Martinez and Jamie Moyer, they were looking for a starter. And Perez wanted to come back to a division rival ... just like Favre did. But unlike the poison pill that the Packers put into their trade with the Jets, the Mets put no such restrictions on the Vikings. If Perez wanted to give up six runs for the Phillies in the first inning, fine by them. Besides, Omar Minaya had filled his rotation need by re-signing Orlando Hernandez.

So Perez returned for more baseball in 2010 ... and fired a no-hitter at Citi Field.

The circle was complete.

Johan (And Ryan) Plus Nine

"Excuse me David, but this thing you just did ... step on the plate ... what's that called again? Forgive me, it's been so long since I've seen one of you guys do that".

"Excuse me Mr. Catcher, this thing I just threw ... what's that called again? Forgive me, it's been so long since I ..."

"You mean a scoreless inning?"

Smiley Smile

Welcome to the baseball season, David Wright.

Take your coat off, stay a while. And please, save a seat next to you for Jose Reyes whenever he decides he wants to stroll on by.

Friday night's 8-6 comeback win was, by far, the best win of the season. Considering what the pitching matchup was, this really should have been a gimme for the Giants as Tim Lincecum looked nasty at times as he matched up with Livan Hernandez. Livan, it should be noted, gave up bombs to Fred Lewis and Randy Winn which foretold a bad night. Fred Lewis hitting bombs isn't a good sign. (Come soon, Tim Redding.) Neither is bad umpiring, as the Mets endured some horrid calls from Dana Demuth at third which cost them two runs in the first (happy now, Larry?) and Doug Eddings' moving strike zone which caused not one but two managers to get the gate (now that's gangsta.)

But the Mets got to Lincecum in the sixth for two runs and finished him off in the seventh. It's always a good thing when you get Lincecum out and the Giants bullpen in, and Wright took advantage with a three run game tying double which signals not so much a turning point for Wright, but perhaps the return to the apex at the expense of the Giants, and especially Brian Wilson, who is channeling his inner-Armando for this series with two straight losses, including tonight's throwing error which brought in the winner for the Mets.

As for the rest of the team, maybe everybody being out with injury has had a built in "kick in the pants" effect for the remaining warm bodies. Sure, they could still use some reinforcements, which could be coming in the form of recent signees Javier Valentin (I didn't even realize he was out of the league ... maybe if Reyes gets confused and thinks it's his former mentor Jose Valentin he'll shape up) and Tom Martin (I'm glad he's back ... I didn't want his last experience as a Met to be this.) But sometimes the actual effect of injuries is the opposite of what you'd expect.

I don't know how long it'll last ... for example, I don't know how many times Jeremy Reed is going to get two hits while starting at first base with a glove that isn't broken in (he was supposed to get one from Nick Johnson for Friday ... but he conveniently "forgot".) But if this is really the "jelling" that some think it is, I'll take it for as long as I can get it (sounds like I have an addiction, no?)

And speaking of unhealthy addictions, let's play our favorite rehab game: "Where's Oliver?"

It was a relaxing day of rehab for Oliver Perez as he went fishing with his rehabbing friend, Billy Wagner. They had a successful day at the lake, but the problems started when it was time to cook. Perez was in charge of preparing the meal, and after a few minutes of becoming frustrated while attempting to gut and cook the catch, Perez just gave up and threw the entire fish in the microwave, set it to two minutes, and gave up.

Wagner ate the fish and went to the hospital after becoming violently ill. Instead of blowing the save, Wagner was tagged with blown chunks. Big f***ing shocker.

Our Crumbling House

So with J.J. Putz developing a bone spur and fixing to be out for a couple of games, and Carlos Delgado perhaps being out anywhere from this weekend to ... forever, this is going to really test Omar Minaya's ability to put together a 25-man roster.

So who's scared?

When Delgado was day-to-day, I was against putting Daniel Murphy at first base. If you're going to have Murph play there all season, then give him every opportunity to learn the position. But if we're talking months for Delgado? Then by all means put Murphy at first, Tatis in left, Church in right, and have Sheffield as your bench pop (not your cleanup hitter/regular left fielder as he seems to be now ... seems that someone is thinking it's 1999, and not 2009.)

But whatever you do the fact remains, this team is thin. Delgado is out with his bone spur in his hip (can we put him on the DL already), Putz is out with a bone spur (at least now there's a reason for his struggles) and even Reyes missed Thursday's game with a bone spur he developed in his brain on Wednesday. The Mets call it a "tight calf", but come on, that could be another created injury which is code for "we're benching you because of a foggy brain but we're not going to embarrass you" (with the discovery of new injuries left and right, I think we're talking Nobel Prize in inventive medicine for the training staff.)

Thankfully, the Mets were able to survive Bobby Parnell's shaky foray into the eighth inning (albeit while being dinked and dunked), and Sheffield was able to survive stealing third base (seriously, he's old ... every stolen base could be his last act in baseball) with three runs in the ninth and a 7-4 win against the Giants. I don't know what lucky shamrock Carlos Beltran is carrying, but once again he stole third in more ways than one setting up the go ahead run in the ninth (Larry Jones is currently petitioning the league office for more competent baseball gods), driven in by David Wright who, apparently, just needed to get away from New York for a while as he not only drove in the winner but stole four bases.

Good catches by both announcers tonight. Gary Cohen, for noting that the Mets set a team record for most steals in a game without Reyes. And by Keith Hernandez who, while discussing a mutual sponsor of the Mets and Giants noted: "Speaking of sponsors, Fran Healy was the catcher in that old Willie Mays highlight."

Thank you Keith, for reminding us how much Fran Healy loved sponsors, and how amazing it is that I didn't throw paperweights through the television set while Healy was pitching Cheez Doodles and Optimo Cigars for all those years.

Hey, where's Oliver?

Seems that rehab took a sad turn as Oliver Perez was eliminated from American Idol on Thursday night.

A Living Dance Upon Dead Minds

So it's the bottom of the seventh on Wednesday afternoon, one man out, Jose Reyes on second, and Luis Castillo grounds one in the hole at short. Reyes tries to take third base on the play.

Jose Reyes ... of all people ... should know better than to try something that dumb. Reyes has made that play on baserunners tens of hundreds of times. Besides, you learn this in little league, that you don't advance when the play's in front of you. So why on Earth would Jose do this? I mean, people wonder why we get frustrated with the Mets. All the talent in the world, but sorry ... this team has a low baseball IQ. Has had a low baseball IQ for a while.

And it's starting to rub off on the fans. Look, I know it was a weekday afternoon game and there's a lot of kids in the crowd. And I'm not blaming the kids. But in the eighth inning, immediately after Kelly Johnson put the Braves in the lead off of J.J. Putz, what's the first thing that happens in the crowd? You guessed it ... an attempt from left field to do the wave.

Are you kidding me? "Hey, we just got our hearts ripped out. Let's do the wave!" C'mon. How can we expect our team to play smart when our camp counselors are teaching young fans bad habits like the wave? This must stop, now.

***

Ask yourself this, when was the last time you were watching a Mets game and thought "wow, that's a heady play", and the subject wasn't Alex Cora?

But is it stupidity? Or is it something else?

You know how a pitcher throws 98, and he solely relies on that, even when 98 becomes 92? His coaches constantly hammer him to change speeds and play smart, but he still wants to blow everyone away?

Now Reyes is fast. Hasn't lost a step like our fictional pitcher. But does Reyes think he can beat everything out just because he's fast? Does he think, "Aah, if Yunel gets it I'm still fast enough to beat it out or discourage a throw"? If that's the case, that's carelessness and it's a lack of attention to detail. Escobar's a good shortstop, but it's not like you've got Fluff Castro running ... it was Luis Castillo. It would have been a near impossible play to get Castillo from the hole if Reyes had held. And then if he would have wanted to advance after the throw (like he's done), fine.

Instead, Reyes gave Escobar the Get Out of Jail Free card because of a combination of arrogance, and a lack of brainpower. And this is why the Mets can't get out of their own way. In games like Wednesday's game, where it goes back and forth and is decided in extra innings, it's little things like a stupid baserunning play and other mistakes that you can avoid by merely thinking that can cost you five or six games which, near the top of the N.L. East, is all it takes.

(Not to mention the physical errors, such as David Wright jumping out of the way of a ground ball that went through his legs. How does this happen, exactly?)

***

And speaking of "How does this happen", I missed Gary Sheffield's game tying home run in the eighth. Why? I was buying ice cream. Okay, it happens.

Now, check the helmet that I bought the ice cream in:


If you said "Hey wait a minute, that's an interlocking NY painted over the Final Season at Shea logo", give yourself a big round of applause. Then laugh.

Then cry.

Seriously? A paint job over a plastic cup? Was it sponsored by Spongetech? I give up. Instead of harping on that, let's see how rehab is going and play "Where's Oliver?"

Today, Perez found a good way to stay in shape as he landed a part in the local production of "Billy Elliot the Musical." His habit of leaping over the foul line made him a natural fit for the part. Unfortunately, on the very leap you see above, Perez aggravated his patella tendon and will miss an additional two weeks.

***

Oh and a word of advice to Snoop Manuel since the team is on its way to the west coast: If the phone should happen to ring at 3AM, and you didn't order room service ... just let it ring.

The Value Of The Chateau Bow-Wow

If Ryan Church is doing something behind the scenes that has him in Snoop Manuel's Dogg House like ... say, burning Snoop's library of Nancy Drew mysteries, then far be it from me to scream about it. All I know is that he's the one losing at-bats so that Gary Sheffield, Jeremy Reed, and Fernando Tatis can all get at-bats. And that, along with the litany of things that have been said about Church, and the fact that Wily Mo Pena, Rob Mackowiak, and John Cangelosi seem to have a better chance of getting at-bats than Church, tells me that he's in some sort of disfavor. Actions speak louder than words, and Ryan Church on the bench against a right-hander while Carlos Delgado is on the cliff contemplating a dive into the disabled list, speaks volumes. I would think that in the same way we're all worried about keeping Sheffield sharp with at-bats, I would think that Church would have a better chance getting out of his current slump with regular at-bats. But nobody pays me to think.

I only ask this: If you're going to trade him, which is more apparent with each passing day, can we not wait until his value is such that the best you can get back for him is the third season of The Sopranos on used DVD, a half eaten tuna fish sandwich, and Roberto Hernandez? The Mets seem to be experts at selling low. Let's not have that happen this time 'round. Okay?

In other news, the Mets won on Tuesday in the tenth after tying the game in the ninth off Mike Gonzalez. Maybe Gonzalez will stop rocking like he's Ed Norton doing the hucklebuckle. And many thanks to Jeff Bennett for his spot on impression of Sean Green's impression of Kenny Rogers. It made the kids laugh. All that were missing were the balloon animals.

Speaking of animals, how is Oliver Perez's rehab going?

Oh, there he is. Dog races are the order of the day. Bored with attending basketball games, Oliver Perez decided to mentor Golden Earring and entered him in some races in Florida. He monitored the dog's diet and made sure his mechanics were always pointed forward. The result:

Good news, as the coaching that Golden Earring received from Oliver paid off with a blue ribbon. The bad news? Well, without the coaching of Dan Warthen, Perez put back on the pounds he had lost after the World Baseball Classic.

Where will Oliver wind up tomorrow during his "rehab"? I can't wait to find out.

You Get What You Pay For

It's not so much that Derek Lowe beat the Mets on Monday. Oh no, because I resigned myself to the fact that somehow he was going to outduel Johan Santana.

But it's more the fact that while Derek Lowe was beating the Mets on Monday, the guy who the Mets chose over him wasn't on the mound getting blown out opposite Lowe, or on the bench waiting for his next turn ... but was in Florida watching basketball. (I didn't know that the patella tendinitis access seating was so low. Maybe I could fake an injury and get those seats.)

The only thing that shocks me in this whole scenario is that Perez wasn't the one who got run over by Big Baby Davis.

So those of you who are sick of the juxtaposition of Lowe and Perez, you shouldn't read the papers tomorrow. You probably shouldn't read the blogs. And you definitely shouldn't have read the previous three paragraphs. (There's a warning that does you little good.)

All I know is that the Mets played hardball with Lowe because they knew that Perez was an available backup option, due to the fact that no other team had shown any interest in Oliver Perez. So Lowe called the Mets bluff and took the fourth year from Atlanta and the Mets signed Perez. The Mets probably felt fortunate that nobody else showed any interest in Perez. Shouldn't they have wondered why that was the case?

Well, the Mets saved $24 million on that one. Good for them. Too bad the other $36 million could have been better spent on cigarettes, or given to orphans, or set on fire. In fact, it would have been better served being set on fire with a cigarette by an orphan.

But it was more than that which beat the Mets tonight. Forget about lack of run support ... since the Mets were facing Lowe we should have known runs would be at a premium. But how about a lack of defense? How can Santana lose two games already this season where he doesn't give up an earned run? Teams usually make more errors behind pitchers who don't keep their fielders on their toes by throwing a lot of balls out of the strike zone like, say, Oliver Perez. But does Johan Santana really deserve that treatment?

And let's not also forget Snoop leaving Pedro Feliciano in to face Matt "I hit .323 against lefties in my career" Diaz (that's pronounced DIE!!!-az). See, he could have had Brian Stokes in there against DIE!!!-az, but I guess Stokes has been typecast as the guy who can only play the part of the pitcher who comes in to clean up after the mansion has already been broken into. Stokes must now know how Mark Hamill felt.

The good news, as usual, is that there's another game tonight. Though it probably won't be the one Oliver Perez is at. You never know where you'll find him tomorrow ...