Thursday, June 18, 2009

A Dark Chi In Johan's Knee

We take you to the locker room following the Mets 6-4 loss to the Orioles ...

RP: Psst. Johan. Johan!

JS: Rick? Rick Peterson? What are you doing in the laundry basket?

RP: I snuck in before the game.

JS: How did nobody catch you?

RP: I hid in Tim Redding's beard.

JS: No wonder he struggled tonight. Were you in his beard during the Red Sox game too?

RP: No but a machete, three kittens, and the Patriots practice squad were in there. Threw off his whole delivery.

JS: Why are you here?

RP: Johan, I have to warn you of impending doom. Your knee is completely messed up.

JS: How do you know this?

RP: Trust me Johan, I know about these things. I read some books on Eastern philosophy, and something is telling me that your knee isn't right. It's like I'm feeling some sort of tingling sensation.

JS: Are you Spiderman?

RP: My sense is telling me that your drop in velocity is attributed to an entire family of groundhogs living in your knee, slowly gnawing away at your ligaments.

JS: Listen Spiderman, if there were groundhogs living in my knee, the trainers would have found them.

RP: You trust these trainers? They told Ryan that his concussion was a dizzy spell. They told Carlos that his bum hip was just a bruise due to too much time playing the EA Active for Wii. And they also told Ramon Martinez that his hernia was indigestion and prescribed him Pepto Bismol.

JS: So what should I do?

RP: We need to go in the back and participate in some vedic chanting right away!

JS: I'm not chanting with you. I need to listen to 70's and 80's music on my iPod.

RP: Johan, you don't understand ... you need to be one with a higher power and will the groundhogs out of your knee.

JS: I like groundhogs, they're cute.

RP: Remember, "If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle."

JS: Is that why I lost to the Yankees? Or was it my knee? I'm confused.

RP: "To see the world in a grain of sand, and heaven in a wild flower, to hold infinity in the palm of the hand, and eternity in an hour."

JS: That fourth inning on Sunday was an eternity.

RP: "An unguarded minute has an accident in it."

JS: Okay Spidey listen, that last quote isn't Eastern Philosophy. It's Hall and Oates. My knee is fine and you're not my pitching coach anymore.

RP: Dammit Johan I'm a doctor not a pitching coach!

JS: You're not a doctor either ... and you're barely a philosopher.

RP: Damn!

JS: Umm, Ray? Mike? Omar? Can you help me here? Spiderman's trying to get me and I'm trying to listen to my iPod.

RR: All right Rick, let's go. Johan's knee is fine.

RP: No! You have to listen to me!!! There's a dark chi in Johan's knee!!! It must be exorcised!

OM: Rick, you were fired a year ago. Remember?

RP: I remember! Tuscany tiles bla bla bla but listen!!!

JS: (puts on iPod) "An unguarded minute ...WATCH OUT ... has an accident in it"

MH: Let's go Rick.

RP: No! NO!!! You have to listen to me!!! Bring me Perez!!! I CAN FIX HIM IN TEN MINUTES!!!!!

JS: "I'm a maaaaaaaaaaaan, yes I aaaaaaaam and I caaaaaaaan't help but love you so! No no no!"


MetFanMac said...

Groundhogs? That would explain a lot...

Schneck said...

"a machete, three kittens, and the Patriots practice squad"

Absolute comedy genius.

Dave Singer said...


Loved it!