Sunday, September 10, 2006

The Intervention

(Our story begins with our hero Steve Trachsel arriving at his Miami hotel room Sunday night after a long day at the ballpark...)

Steve: Hello...guys...what are you all doing here? Who are you?

MD: Mr. Trachsel, my name is Metstradamus. I'm here because your friends, who are all here today, want to tell you something.

Steve: But...er, I don't understand.

MD: Mr. Trachsel, don't make this harder than it needs to be. Carlos, why don't you start.

CD: (reads from prepared copy) Steve, you know that we love you and would do anything for you...but we've been supporting your habit for too long now. We're getting mentally exhausted going to the ends of the field to supply you with a "fix" for your habit.

Steve: What habit, Carlos? I don't have a habit. What is going on here?

MD: Steve, denial is not just a river in Egypt. Jose, you're next.

JV: Steve, we've noticed a change in you over the last three weeks. All we've done is give you runs upon runs upon runs, and what have you done? You go out and spend them all...and for what? A cheap thrill? A good time? A suntan?

Steve: A suntan, what the hell are you talking about?

MD: David? You?

DW: We used to have such good times together...the nine of us. All we've done is score and score and score for you but we just can't do it all the time! Steve, this is tougher on all of us than it is for you. But if you're going to keep taking our runs and wasting them on bad teams...(sniff), well this may be considered tough love but we're going to have to send you to the bullpen come October.

Steve: No! I can't...I mean...you guys! I can't believe you would come to my house with this cut rate shrink and give me this nonsense!

SG: Steve, you have to hit bottom before you seek help.

Steve: Shawn what the hell do you know about hitting bottom? You weren't here when I hit bottom...none of you were! I went down to the minors...the minors! I went to hell and back and I'm telling you I don't have an addiction? Where were all of you? You were either getting your diapers changed or living somewhere else in the lap of luxury, but I was in Norfolk dammit! Norfolk! I'm not going back there and I'm not going to that decrepit, rotten tomato smelling bullpen! I'll never make it out there!

CD: Look Steve, you have an addiction. You're addicted to throwing meatballs! And for months now we've supported that habit...we've even stopped making errors in the field for you, but we can't do it anymore. You have to quit your addiction or so help us we're going to have to quit you.

Steve: For the last time, I don't have an addiction! I can quit anytime I want to.

JV: Steve, you're putting us in a corner.

Steve: You think I like throwing meatballs? You think I want to do this? You think I went through those days in the minors in 2001 for nothing?

DW: Well what do you expect us to think?

Steve: How am I supposed to care what you think! Dammit things are so good! Our magic number is four for crying out loud...four! Or have we all forgotten that?

SG: Nobody is forgetting anything Steve but we're worried about you. There's going to come a time where we just can't be there for you, and you're going to be exposed for the world to see and we don't want to see that happen to you. But the only way you can avoid that is to get yourself some help! We care about you more than you'll ever know.

Steve: Then why are you here embarrassing me in front of strangers??!?

(Our hero breaks down)

Steve: I need help.

MD: We're going to send you somewhere. Rick specializes in meatball throwing problems such as yours. You're gonna be all right.

Steve: I can't go through this again.

CD: You won't go through this alone. We're here for you.

JV: Yeah Steve, we're all here. Just not for nine runs a game anymore.

Steve: I understand. Hey, who's up for Italian?

(Laughs)

DS: Or maybe some Dominican food at about 2AM.

(Silence)

DS: I'm kidding, I'm kidding!

(More laughs)

16 comments:

A.V. said...

one of the best articles youve written.
well done...again.

and here we go again with Trax vs. Maine in the playoffs...who will win?!?!

Kyle in Newport News said...

Classic. Regarding today's game, I love how Mets.com always uses the phrase "looking to rally" as a synonym for "are almost certainly going to lose this one."

Coop said...

This was great Damus. Cheers

jabair said...

dude!!! youre my favorite cut rate shrink...

jabair said...

S.U.C.K.M.E. FACTOR..
i called it yesterday.

Unser said...

I'll take John Maine as my 4th starter. I don't want any ERA's over 5 flashing across television screens.

Trax looks like he's been getting tips from Jose Lima and Alay Soler. Check out his walk/K ratio - 74/75. Hideous.

Ed in Westchester said...

Metstra - I hope Willie has the testicular fortitude to leave Trax off the roster, at least for round one.
I cannot handle a playoff game with him pitching.
I don't care that he has 14 wins. He is bad.

jabair said...

classic post mam.. i laugh out loud everytime i read it...

trax needs another trip to norfolk

Michelle said...

That was awesome....
OH
Someone sent me an email re: the new stadium name, maybe from the Onion or something... maybe you saw it too....

Metamucil Field. "When you think of Flushing, think of us!"

Um, ya good thing they are 16.5 games up or that wouldn't be funny.

fredstradamus said...

That was a lot like YOUR intervention, wasn't it 'Damus?

I love it when you kick it all Schticky-like!

Nice job!

Metstradamus said...

My intervention was for EATING meatballs, not THROWING them.

j m said...

I guess it's obvious, but I expected to come here and see you having dubbed yesterday's opposing picture, "Mask". In a sadly warped and pathetic way, I'm disappointed.

Metstradamus said...

What you didn't was me frantically looking up Eric Stoltz on imdb.com, and Eric Stoltz of the Dodgers...only to find out his name was Eric Stultz. Made my head spin.

Anonymous said...

OH. MY. GOD.

That was hilarious -- thank you for writing that!

Shari said...

Metsradamus-That was simply Brilliant. I really enjoyed it, and it made me want to trash poor Steve just a littlbe bit less than usual.

Metstradamus said...

Shari, as long as it was just a little bit less.