If Woodward Hadn't Gone To The Mets, This Would Never Had Happened

If a tie is, indeed, like kissing your sister, then what is a split of a doubleheader like?

If you lose the first game and win the second, I would gather it would be like if your sister kicked you in the crotch, but then the captain of the cheerleading squad came along and nursed you back to health. And if you split a doubleheader while your main rival loses it's twinbill, then you get the added bonus of finding out your sister contracted an S.T.D. from a rough trick named Jim.

I have some major issues...I understand this.

But that's kind of what today felt like. In the first game, the curse of the fifth starter strikes again. Unfortunately, the Mets have too many fifth starters...and today it was Orlando Hernandez's turn to convince Mets brass that they need to get yet another starter. First off let me say that I hate losing to ex-Mets. Doesn't matter how popular or unpopular they were...losing to former Mets is bad karma. And when one of the best second baseman in Mets history goes deep on a former Yankee, it's...

Oh, that wasn't Edgardo Alfonzo? He's not on the Giants anymore?

There's another one? And he's not related?

He mind as well be. But it's a good thing...bad enough Armando Benitez and Jose Vizcaino played key roles in beating the Mets (again), the Mets don't need Edgardo beating them as well. Eliezer is bad enough. Hey, wasn't Eliezer in that "Bobby Jones: Stroke of Genius" movie?

Oh wait, that was Jim Caviezel. And no, "Bobby Jones: Stroke of Genius" wasn't about Bobby Jones' career high nine hits during the 1998 season.

(By the way, you would think that a team that as recently as last year actually had Edgardo Alfonzo on their team would be smart enough to know how to spell Alfonzo. Let's get the champ on the case!)

I wonder if Willie let Orlando in for the fateful sixth inning because he has that "pedigree". Well today, pedigree was just dog food, and pedigree got five years older in one inning. Or maybe it was Randolph's master plan to play from behind in game one to save pitchers like Filthy and Country Time for the second game. Crazy like a fox, that Willie Randolph.

Luckily, that second game saw the Mets stick to the script: winning with Pedro and Glavine, and losing without. Tom Glavine went seven strong, while Wagner was victorious in his rematch with Barry Bonds (their first meeting didn't go so well, and it was replayed as a "Ulti-Met Classic"...watching that game between the Bonds dinger and Brian Bannister tearing up his hamstring is slightly masochistic, don't you think?) and Filthy got his fourth win of the season...thanks to Chris Woodward's sac fly driving home Lastings Milledge in the eleventh.

I was kind of hoping that Lastings would go spikes high to spark a brawl, only because I'm curious what a brawl would look like on ESPN's game cast...would all the glowing yellow dots appear on the screen and bounce off each other? Would the really mad dots become red to denote players who take a swing at somebody? Sounds like this would be up ESPN's alley. Maybe they could parlay that into a new network! Alas, Milledge slid safely and securely. I guess he saves the spikes high slides for offspring of enemy GM's. That's good enough for me.