Print Those Playoff Tickets

R.A. Dickey, rumored to be the newest Met, is a knuckleballer. Which means that the pitch he's holding in this picture will probably be hit 500 miles if he ever throws it in a game. With our luck, he'll probably swear off the knuckleball as some sort of religious cleansing, and will learn how to throw the pitch pictured above from his new pitching and lifestyle guru, Matt Wise.

Light Reading

So I'm guessing you've all heard about the book that Scott Boras wrote on Oliver Perez, which is famous for such chapters as "Perez Turns Corner in 2006", "Perez Is One of Baseball’s Top 5 Left-Handed Starting Pitchers", and of course: "Economy Schmeconomy, Oliver Perez Gives Solid Stock Tips Too". I particularly liked that one.

Turns out Matt Wise's agent has a book on him too. He's handing his out at the San Diego airport.

Reaper

Our story begins with a knock at the door:

Shea Stadium Usher: May I help you?

Reaper: Hi, I'm here for your season.

SSU: Excuse me?

RP: You heard me, cough it up!

SSU: But the season's not over. There are games tomorrow and Sunday, and the Mets are still alive.

RP: Alive? You call what happened Friday being alive?


SSU: Well, mathematically we're still alive and I'm not authorized to hand over the season anyway.

RP: (Sigh) Lemme speak to your boss.

(Usher frantically seeks out an authority figure)

Jeff Wilpon: May I help you.

RP: Yes, I'm here for your season and you have a difficult employee.

JW: Yes, I know ... I have many difficult employees these days. But look, you know I can't just hand over the season to you.

RP: Yes well you know what happened last season. I came for the season on Saturday afternoon. You had to go and try to take it back from me when it was rightfully mine. I drove all the way back to my cottage in North Tonawanda, and then your season flatlined so I had to drive all the way back. I'm not driving all the way back tonight and I'm not leaving without your season.

JW: Is there something I can give you in the meantime? Matt Wise's career?

RP: I got that last May.

JW: Aaron Heilman's soul?

RP: Don't you remember? My assistant came for that back in '06.

JW: All right, listen ... you can stay here. I have a luxury box already set up next door at Citi Field, and I'll get you a ticket to tomorrow's game. But I need you to take a more pleasing form ... I can't have you in the stands looking the way you do.

RP: How about this?


JW: Who are you supposed to be?

RP: Missy Peregrym. I'm in some television show called, oddly enough, "Reaper". Your fans will just be so happy to see a good looking celebrity they'll never get the connection.

JW: Fine.

RP: Oh, and when I take your season, I'll just take the Stadium too. I got the pick-up truck so I don't need to take two trips.

JW: Fine, just get it out of here. I never liked this place. Isn't it going to take you a while to knock it down and get it into the truck?

RP: Nah, when your fans turn into an angry mob on Sunday they'll help destroy it and make my life easier. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

JW: Yeah, whatever. Just don't laugh like that while you're here ... you'll scare the children.

RP: Fine. I'll be by the door with my wolf.

JW: Randy Wolf? Ooh, can he pitch?

RP: (Sigh)

Quantity Of Crap

There have been a whole bunch of days in the history of this franchise that have ripped your hearts out as Mets fans. Game 7 in 2006, Game 5 in 2000, Game 6 in 1999, Game 4 in 1988, and countless regular season games just in the last ten years that are too numerous to mention.

But in terms of sheer quantity of events today, this ... May 20th of 2008, may turn out to be a seminal moment in all of your Met rooting lives.

Think. Think about all that has happened in your lives today. First, you turn on SNY to see and hear everybody running around yelling "controversy!"

Of course, they're talking about the Ian O'Connor article in which Willie Randolph was wondering why SNY painted him in a bad light ... only showing him in moments of seething and frustration and not when he's schooling his players, and why Met fans were booing their team in April. And then he wondered how much of that has to do with race. And at the time, I saw this reaction to it along with others and thought that there really was nothing else of substance I could add.

But Randolph's reaction to the article on Monday could perhaps be stranger than the article itself.

"It does seem like it's piling on after a bit. But, I understand it. I think I mentioned feeling `almost racial.' That was a tongue-in-cheek kind of reaction to what I've been feeling. Not that this is racial. The Wilpons hired me not because I am black, but because they feel I can do a good job for them. They trusted me and hired me because I can do a job and not the color of my skin.

"There's been a lot of negative stuff going around here and I've been feeling some of that, and I was expressing how I felt at the time, but it wasn't anything to do with race and I wasn't trying to bring race into it.

"I'm not necessarily upset with anyone. I understand what they do."

The "tongue-in-cheek" thing bothers me. Not because I necessarily think that Willie's b.s'ing us. I mean, read the article. Anybody who cites Isiah Thomas as an example in his defense has to mean it tongue-in-cheek, right? Right?

But if he meant it tongue-in-cheek, then what exactly did he expect? Did he expect Ian O'Connor to print the quotes and then qualify the whole article by saying "but dear readers, he didn't really mean all that so everything you just read is useless"? Did he expect O'Connor to use judgement and not to print it at all? A very Pollyannic view of the world by Willie, don't you think? I mean, would you think that a guy who's managed a baseball team in a baseball market like New York for over three years (not to mention his time in the city as a player and coach) would understand a little better the way things work, no? That "tongue-in-cheek" thing doesn't translate too well to words on a back page.

And if Willie wants SNY to, as he says: "Show the whole person, the whole attitude, the whole persona", how about a freakin' reality show? Willie's World, perhaps?

Ah yes, reality. The same reality that smacks you in the face like it did me in the first inning of game one ... the very same lousy first inning that Tom Glavine couldn't get out of to save his life last September ... of the first game of the doubleheader today. He gives up a HR to Luis Castillo (of all people), then he loads the bases with one out and I'm thinking "Yes! Yes! Oh Sweet Revenge! Finally, Some Justice In This World!" (Yes, when I think, I think in capital letters.)

But no, Alou lines out to third and Carlos Delgado flies out to right field. And Tom Glavine got to do what he couldn't do during Game 162, and that's set down 17 opposing hitters in a row in the innings that come after number one. Before you knew it, Glavine was not only steaming towards a victory, but towards coming back for 2009 and proving that Citi Field is the perfect place to pitch a no-hitter.

(Thanks Tom. Coming up next ... my lunch.)

Sure, Tom Glavine may come back ... but before we go to game 2 in this doubleheader from hell, we are reminded that Pedro Martinez might not come back to throw a pitch in Citi Field, much less a freakin' no-hitter. And we find out that the next time Mike Piazza comes to Citi Field, it isn't going to be as a visiting player ... but it'll be to unveil his number 31 on the wall.

So now it's apparent that too many things are swirling around. Like sharks surrounding blood. So could there really be any other ending to a game two that featured the Mets being mowed down by the immortal Jorge Campillo (really? Jorge Campillo?), than one that involved actual blood ... like the blood from Ryan Church's head? Of course not. No, not just a normal loss to complete a run o' the mill sweep. What's so torturous about that? No, Ryan Church has to bleed and acquire his second concussion as a Met with a Yunel Escobar kick to the head (much like all the kicks in the head Met fans have taken in the last year.) The MVP of the team so far this season is morphing into Eric Lindros right before our very eyes. Absolutely excellent.

I wonder if Church will remember anything after a good night's sleep. I wonder if he remembers how good that Yankees series went.

I wonder if anybody remembers.

It's almost pointless to do this Heil-o-Meter thing again, since the whole team has a needle on the negative side right now. But the only thing us fans can do now is pile on ... it's all we're good for right now. Heilman comes into the first game, a game which was still pretty much in reach, and immediately gave up a walk and a home run. And the only thing I can do is laugh to keep from crying. And did you all notice that Matt Wise pretty much "pulled a Heilman" in the second game, giving up a crushing two run HR in the eighth to Mark Kotsay ... and Keith Hernandez couldn't tell if it was a fastball or a changeup that Kotsay hit? Kinda reminded me of Richard Pryor in Brewster's Millions, where he threw his 83 MPH fastball, and everyone in the ballpark thought it was his changeup because it was so damn slow. Matt Wise is Monty Brewster. With Aaron Heilman as Doug Sisk (Hey, with Ryan Church concussed and a roster spot perhaps becoming available, maybe Jorge Sosa can come back and "fortify" the bullpen.)

That's Just Fowl

The early results on Pedro Martinez's MRI came in. With our exclusive super zoom lens, here's a look at what doctors found:

Those birds will do a number on hamstrings.

All this talk about who's going to be the fifth starter, and now one of them is going to be the fourth starter after Pedro's injury. At least the bullpen showed how good it can be after Petey's shaky outing ... that is, until somebody named Robert Andino took some low-80's slop from Matt Wise and deposited it over the left field fence for a 5-4 Marlins win in ten innings.

Too bad Wise couldn't hear Keith Hernandez say that you can't continue to put pitches up in the zone as he did on the 2-0 pitch. The 2-1 pitch? It's going on Andino's mantle.

As for Petey, he's quickly headed towards the Orlando Hernandez region, where your starts are much anticipated, yet nobody expects anything out of you anymore. Pedro Martinez was a number two starter in ceremony only ... as far as I'm concerned, John Maine had the better chance to team with Johan Santana to create the 1-2 punch that teams fear anyway. Pedro got the second start of the season to keep his ego massaged. Now, he'll have his leg massaged instead.

And now here's the worst part: Pedro Martinez is injured while Mike Hampton is healthy.

Here's the second worst part: I have a friend at work who is ready to put Bobby Parnell in the Hall of Fame for his seven shutout innings this past spring. Now, he's probably ready to live on a billboard until Parnell is called up ... which means he'll probably alienate his friends and family, get fired from his job, and worst of all: not shower for weeks at a time, because Parnell isn't coming up anytime soon.

Angel Pagan: A Metaphor For Life

You probably saw the news that the Mets have re-acquired Angel Pagan from the Cubs for two minor leaguers.

Angel Pagan is not only an inaugural Brooklyn Cyclone, but he possesses the greatest name in the history of professional sports. It is a name that represents the constant struggle ... the dichotomy, if you will, that Met fans live with every day.

"In Omar we trust!"

"Fire Omar!"

"Stop with the Omar bashing!"

"Make a trade!"

"Keep the kids!"

"Spend money!"

"Don't be like the Yankees!"

Angel Pagan, you see, represents the inner battle in all of us. Do we awash in the spoils of youth, or do we subscribe to the theory that is it better to be old and wise than young and stupid? Are we penny (Matt) wise? Or are we pound (Mo Vaughn) foolish? Are we angels? Are we pagans? Angel Pagan arrives to show us to embrace both sides our our Met fan being ... embrace the dichotomy, and show love for every side of the argument whether it be optimistic, or pessimistic. And to remember that sometimes, it's okay to be both. It's okay to want everyone fired and want stability at the same time. It's okay to believe in the kids and to want to gut the farm. Sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you don't. And that's ... okay.

So in your travels, when you can't decide whether to throw your support behind Omar's latest trade or Willie's latest double switch, or whether to cover yourself in Crisco and picket outside of Shea Stadium with a blow torch, look to Angel Pagan ... and know that it's okay to find that gray area that's in all of us.

Me Wise Conscience

The Mets' recent history has been littered with pitchers who simply refuse to come inside for the express purpose of making a point or protecting a teammate. Now, the Mets add Matt Wise who might be clinically unable to come inside, so he'll fit right in.

"Wise, 32, went 3-2 with a 4.19 earned run average in 56 relief appearances for Milwaukee in 2007. But his season turned sour July 25, when he hit Cincinnati’s Pedro López in the jaw with a pitch, and then went 0-1 with a 10.45 E.R.A. in his final 16 games. Opponents hit .466 against him in that span."

I see the Mets have acquired an afterschool special for the bullpen. Matt Wise ... the pitcher who cared so much that he dared not hurt anybody ever again. "Don't worry Matty, you'll find your inner soul ... as soon as you find your inner half." Ralph Macchio would be so all over this role. Might even put his career back on the map.

.466? Did batters face him with aluminum bats?