For People Who Communicate Not Good

"But I am throwing my fastball." -John Maine to Dan Warthen during a trip to the mound on Sunday night.

Not that I necessarily trust the lip reading skills of Joe Morgan, but ...

Uh-oh.

And not for nothing, if there was ever a time to cover your mouth with your glove when you speak, that would have been it, no?

It's never a good thing when you have a Brewster's Millions moment on the mound where the pitcher throws his fastball and the announcer calls it a changeup, along with everyone on both benches. It sure isn't a good thing if your pitching coach thinks you're throwing a change-up. And you know what's really scary? Not only is it my second Brewster's Millions reference regarding that particular scene, but I'm not even the first person to make a John Maine/Brewster's Millions connection this week!

Yeah, uh-oh.

That Maine actually got through the fourth inning scoreless was something of a feat, much like the feat that Mets pitchers pulled off this weekend of minimizing Albert Pujols' damage. Think about this for a second: Pujols was 2-for-14 this weekend with four walks. And the Mets dropped two out of three. That's like getting Shakira's phone number and transposing two of the digits while putting it in your cell.

But the fifth inning was Maine's undoing as a walk, single and Colby Rasmus' three run dinger put Maine out to pasture. And once Adam Wainwright found his groove against a lineup that featured Frank Catalanotto in the clean-up spot, you knew it was over. You weren't sure whether it would take 8 and a half innings via a Ryan Ludwick home run, or 24 innings after Blake Hawksworth no-hits them for nine innings after Tony La Russa says he's not available, but eventually the Mets were going to be toast. That I was happy the game wrapped up promptly so that I could catch the Sharks/Avalanche game is a distressing sign on my part.

In a related story, the lineup probably isn't going to feature Catalanotto in the clean-up spot much longer as the club is doing the deed and bringing up Ike Davis. Something tells me that the Mets actually wanted to keep Davis down and let him dominate AAA for a little while longer. But that the sorry state of first base combined with the desperation of the front office and coaching staff to keep their jobs has expedited the process. I'll admit it. The recent rushing of prospects has made me gun shy about bringing these guys up too soon. But at least Davis is a college product and he's 23. And by all accounts he's projected in that "very good to special" category. I hate that Chris Carter is never going to get a chance with the Mets, which means that the Billy Wagner trade is now officially botched forever dooming Carter to Val Pascucci status unless they can now find a trade partner for him. But if Ike Davis is ready, then this is the move to make ... even if it is for the wrong reasons.

If ... he's ready.

Ike Davis: "The Stimulus"

Now as long as Davis isn't brought up to fall victim to a straight platoon with Fernando Tatis or a Snoop Manuel quadruple switch, he'll be fine.

Battle Plans

I suppose that when you consider the line of two runs in four innings for Oliver Perez on Thursday night against the Marlins, it's on pace to be a quality start, which would be three runs in six. Now that's like saying that winning on Opening Day puts you on a pace to be 162-0 so take it for what it's worth.

But it was this post-game quote from Perez that caught my attention:

"I didn't even think about striking out any guys. Sometimes you try to strike out guys and you start getting lost and lose your focus. Right now I'm just trying to not throw more pitches than four and five (per batter). The less pitches you have, the more deeper in the game you can go."

At least we have Oliver not thinking, which is a positive step forward. What Oliver meant to say was this:

"When I grow up, I want to be Jamie Moyer. And I figured I would speed up the process before I get my sorry butt sent to Buffalo, and I don't feel like pitching in the cold. I hate cold."

Nice that Oliver is trying to make Philosophy 101 work for him. And spring training is the time to do it. Here's what I hope doesn't happen: Oliver, Dan Warthen, and Snoop Gangsta decide that's this is what we want to do with every batter, all the time ... and that broad strokes and unwavering changes in philosophy are the way to go. Because it's nice that Oliver wants to be more efficient and that Snoop wants to throw strikes (necessary since Met pitchers led the free world last season by walking ... well, the free world). Great. All for it.

But not only do the bloggers know what Oliver and the Mets want to do, so do the opponents. You'll throw more strikes? Okay, we'll swing more. Oliver wants to be more efficient and only throw four or five pitches per batter? Great. We'll take more pitches ... especially those pitches that sail over our heads ... and maybe foul stuff off for good measure. Can't the plan be fluid to the situation as opposed to hitting the A button at full power all the time?

You know, if Eisenhower had given away the plans, we'd all be speaking German.

Red Light Shakeup

FLUSHING, N.Y., October 5, 2009 - "The New York Mets today announced that Bench Coach Sandy Alomar Sr. and First Base Coach Luis Alicea will not be returning for the 2010 season. Alomar Sr. will be offered another position within the organization.

Hitting Coach Howard Johnson, Pitching Coach Dan Warthen and Bullpen Coach Randy Niemann will return to Manager Jerry Manuel's staff in the same positions next year. Third Base Coach Razor Shines and Catching Instructor Sandy Alomar Jr. will be part of the Major League staff in 2010 in yet to be determined roles."

In a related move, the Mets have announced that replacing Shines as third base coach will be a New York City traffic light. Runners will have to adhere to the light, which will be showing red, yellow, or green at various and random times. But the club feels that the traffic light, which can't see which runners are where because it is a traffic light, will have just as good a success rate as Shines. Furthermore, the traffic light will not have a salary, and will only require maintenance costs and a replacement light bulb or two. The light will don uniform number 64 for the upcoming season.

Conversations With Oliver Part 2

Alien 1: Do you have the specimen?

Alien 2: Yeah, he seems pretty typical of this life form. Apparently, they call them ... humans.

A1: Have you sufficiently replaced him with one of our cyborgs without anyone knowing?

A2: Yes, we had one that was just the right size.

A1: Perfect! Okay, bring the specimen to, so we can find out about his ways in preparation for the invasion.

...

A2: Human? Human! Wake up, we have much to ask you.

Oliver Perez: Wha, what happened?

A1: You are under our control.

OP: But I'm supposed to pitch tonight.

A2: Pitch? What is this "pitch" you refer to.

OP: It's a slider. I've been working on it extra with Dan Warthen.

A1: Who is this, Warthen? Is he your leader?

OP: Yes.

A1: Tiberius, bring me Warthen ... dead or alive!

OP: Hey, are you guys aliens?

A1: Do not fight us, mere human.

OP: Oh wow, this is so cool, I have so many questions to ask you! What color is the sky in your world?

A2: Ummm ...

OP: Hey, if you're aliens, how do you know so much English?

A1: You ask too many questions.

OP: Do you get SNY up here?

A2: Yeah, this is a state of the art space travel craft. We get all galaxial stations ... but the reception on Bravo comes in a little fuzzy.

OP: Oooh, let me see who is pitching for me since I'm missing.

A1: We have replaced you with a cyborg!

A2: Yeah, they have no idea you're gone.

OP: Really? Oh, look at that guy's fastball. I didn't know they had cyborgs that could throw 94 mph fastballs.

A1: We are far superior to you humans in every ...

OP: Is there popcorn in space?

A2: Of course.

OP: Can I have some? I've always wanted to try space popcorn.

A1: But you didn't know there was popcorn in space.

OP: Do you have Styrofoam on your planet?

A2: Yeah.

OP: When you ship it, what do you pack it in?

A1: Look, we need to know what you know, not the other way around. Now where is the mission control center on your planet?

OP: I don't know. Hey, how come a psychic never wins the lottery?

A2: What's a lottery?

OP: Are you from Mars?

A2: Do we look like we're from Mars?

OP: No, you don't have antennae and you don't look like the Great Gazoo.

A1: Enough!

OP: Hey, why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

A1: THERE ARE NO LEMONS IN OUTER SPACE!!!!!

OP: I knew I shouldn't be drinking dishwashing liquid.

A1: See? We should have abducted Papelbon.

A2: He's one of our plants, remember?

A1: Oh yeah. Well this specimen is useless. Put him back in his original shell. If this is a typical human he'll be more use to us on Earth instead of here. Then we'll be able to invade this planet like a hot knife though space butter.

OP: Oh good, I can pitch the seventh inning!

A2: What do we do with the super-cyborg who's dominating this competition we secretly invaded?

A1: Put him in that smallish character in white who wears number 1 ... Everth Cabrera. Perhaps the lower numbers are indicative of a higher intellect. I have a good feeling we can get some real information from him.

"The humans don't suspect a thing. They're too busy throwing rocks and garbage at this Rodriguez person."

(Editor's note: To revisit the original conversation with Oliver, click here.)

Failing The Crash Test

People have wondered why, with the Phillies still within sight of the Mets in the N.L. East with plenty of time to go in the season, I can't just enjoy the ride.

It's because the Mets clubhouse shop doesn't sell Brooklyn Dodgers throwback edition crash helmets.

Believe me, there's nothing I want more than to be positive, and look at the glass as being half full (of good strong Vodka of course.) But if you still think this season can be salvaged, and you're entitled to think that way, ask yourself: What have you seen from this team, not the struggles of the Phillies or the Marlins' bullpen or the Braves, but from the New York Mets, that tell you that this is a team that has a legitimate shot at winning this division? Where's the evidence on the field?

Because here's reality: The fourth inning on Tuesday, where Johan Santana walked the pitcher, Fernando Martinez dug up a divot in center field the size of Bobby Bonilla's severance paycheck while letting an easy fly ball drop, Dan Warthen gets kicked out of the game for jawing with Jim Wolf, and Ryan Braun's two run double turned into a three-run double when Omir Santos couldn't catch a relay throw, and turned into a four-run double when Johan Santana threw a ball to Grayslake, IL, would have been the most disgusting inning of the season for most teams.

For the Mets, it barely cracks the top ten.

Yet, it might be the inning that drives the final stake in the heart of the season.

Nah, that's not true.

Tomorrow, when Yovani Gallardo pitches to a lineup that isn't going to have David Wright and Gary Sheffield ... that'll be the last straw. But what difference does it make at this point? The lineup that did have Wright and Sheffield couldn't beat Mike Burns.

Mike Burns!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No wonder Wright looked like he was about to cry in the post-game interview.

The next question that you have to ask yourself is whether you believe Omar Minaya can fix this. And think of this: What exactly has Minaya done in-season to significantly help the club?

His biggest splash came when he traded Xavier Nady for Oliver Perez and Roberto Hernandez. And that was out of desperation. He also traded for Luis Castillo. That's it.

At this point, any moves Minaya can make would be putting duct tape on a life raft. The ship be sinking, folks. Minaya had a chance to address this in the offseason, when instead of gathering all of baseball's "change of scenery" guys or "low-risk/high reward" guys, maybe he could have gotten some true major leagues here. In fact, Minaya's chance to address this came on Day One of his tenure here, when he could have done more to build a real farm system instead of stocking Norfolk, New Orleans, and Buffalo with the likes of Elmer Dessens, Casey Fossum, Jose Lima, Brian Lawrence, Jose Offerman, Gerald Williams, Julio Franco, Chan Ho Park, Freddy Garcia, Dae Sung Koo, Ken Takahashi, Miguel Cairo, Brian Daubach, Kaz Ishii, Eli Marrero, Ricky Ledee, Moises Alou, Chip Ambres, Emil Brown, Wily Mo Pena, Bobby Kielty, Raul Casanova, Ramon Martinez, Brandon Knight, Brady Clark, Trot Nixon, Andy Phillips, Abraham Nunez, Tony Armas, Chris Aguila ...

But now? There's nothing Minaya can do except wait for the injured to come back, and there are no guarantees there. There's nothing Snoop can do. Oh he's trying. He had a "family talk" with the Mets after the loss. But Ozzie Guillen once said that good teams win games, while bad teams have meetings. The Mets are a bad team, plain and simple. And all the jargon and gangsta-speak and Dennis Greene impersonations and saying you need players one night and saying "my team is on the field" the next night does nothing but rearrange the deck chairs on the Titanic. The ride is over. The ship has hit the iceberg. And all that's left to do is watch the carnage while floating away in the life raft. Don't worry, you'll hit shore on or around October 3rd.

Want positive? The Cyclones are 9-2.

Great Half Truths In Battle

When Dan Warthen told J.J. Putz that his new hand placement would do the trick, who knew that it would be the greatest miscalculation since General Custer said "Look ... Over the hill ... I think they're friendly indians".

Sorry, that was Ed Norton.

J.J. Putz becomes the latest casualty to lie alongside his friends in the annals of great PNC Park meltdowns, as his awful eighth inning wasted three Wilson Valdez RBI's, which is simply shameful since he'll likely not drive in three runs the rest of his career. It happened on his second try as he attempted to get his Pirate disaster out of the way at home earlier this season, but they say that if at first you don't succeed, try try again. At least Putz has that "sticktoittiveness" (the sports world is famous for making up words.) And at least, as Putz and Snoop Manuel noted, he threw strikes.

Comforting, I know.

But don't worry, because Putz will get a mental break on Tuesday while the rest of us will no doubt endure another night of the emotional water torture known as Mets baseball. And more good news kids, as for the foreseeable future, Putz will only come in the game if the matchup is "extremely favorable". I know we're talking about the Pirates and Nationals, but to the best of my knowledge there are no seven-year-old girls on either roster. So Putz will probably be sharing some hostel space with Sean Green for a while.

The best news of the night though is this: at least any and all Bobby Parnell trade rumors ended tonight.

All I know is that the matchups had better get extremely favorable, extremely quick. Because Warthen is running out of places to put J.J.'s hands.

That Ceremonial First Pitch Had Some Serious Movement

Some may say that MacKenzie Brown's appearance at Citi Field was for a ceremonial first pitch. But in Omar Minaya's world, "ceremonial first pitch" is code for "audition". In fact, the seventh grader is already complaining that Dan Warthen is overworking her.

No wonder that Mike Pelfrey pitched relatively well against the Nationals on Saturday. You see, when it comes to having a fire lit under you, Ryan Church has Gary Sheffield (and Wily Mo Pena), and now Pelfrey has Brown. (Brown poses a deeper threat than Nelson Figueroa, who returns to Buffalo after no other franchise took a flyer on him.) Perhaps she can stick around for Oliver Perez's start on Sunday and teach him the two-seam grip along with how to pound the strike zone consistently.

Oh, never mind. Late word is that she's been designated for assignment to make room for Julio Franco.

***

The Libra in me would like to point out the following fact:

That the above was a sweet play ... not so much for the catch but the gun to double up the runner at first base. And we were worried that Murphy had an infielder's arm. It wasn't quite Endyesque (or is that "Endesque"? No, that sounds like a perfume, or a charcoal briquet brand ... "Chavesque"? No, that sounds like a political movement. Chavez Ravinous? Oh forget it, I'm tired), but it's nice to see that instead of Murphy, someone else's blooper reel is added to for a change.

The uniforms may have had no "o", but the Nationals have little "d".

Brainwashed

This is comforting:

"I really liked when he left. He came into camp in good shape. I thought he was throwing the ball very well when he left camp. I was a little reticent when he left, and my worries have come to fruition.

"I think he’s not in shape. The arm is out of shape. Certainly the better body shape you are it’s easier to get your arm in shape. Even though the weight is about the same as the end of last year, he is still not the same guy we saw, the energetic guy. Even the life around the clubhouse is not the same." -Dan Warthen, on Oliver Perez

This is the guy the Mets spent $36 million on? A guy who can't be away from Warthen for a minute without falling apart and forgetting everything he was ever taught? Obviously, Warthen is going to have to fix his motion, get his command back, chop up happy pills and sneak them in his food, and re-teach him basic math. And no more slumber parties or sleepovers for Oliver where he can pick up bad habits, snack before dinnertime, and learn curse words in Czech.

Heck, Warthen should just become Ollie's roommate. After all, Perez obviously needs round-the-clock supervision. Warthen is going to have to remind him how to get out of bed in the morning, tell him that walking involves left ... then right, go through the steps of chewing breakfast (up, down, up, down), and how to drive stick. How else will Perez make his way to the park on game day? Not to mention the fact that the Mets play in a new park now. Without Dan Warthen, Oliver will wander the new parking lot looking for the bullpen mound. Oh, and you have Vinny Castilla, Ted Higuera, and the WBC to thank for this.

Damn you Higuera, what the hell did you do to him? Was he put on a training program that involved every Denny's franchise in San Diego? Was every movie you rented from Netflix the one where they all die at the end? How did this happen in two weeks?

Mets Looking At Mystery Reliever

There have been questions as to where the Mets will find some help for the 'pen after their recent trade of Scott Schoeneweis, among others. There were rumors that they were looking across the pond at a "mystery reliever". And even when names leaked, it didn't help because the scouting services had little video on them. But the crack staff has found out not only who the Mets are actually looking at, but even dug up a little video on him. Check this out:



This guy has the tools ... he was able to spot it, had some good velocity, and I'd swear that shoe had some late movement on it. He'll work just fine. He may be a little raw, and he'll learn that the Phillies frown on headhunting. He'll also learn to aim more at the ribs with some experience here in the States. Even though he's a project, I think Dan Warthen can work with this guy.

It's Growing

This talk about Aaron Heilman becoming a starter isn't going away ... like the Blob, it keeps growing and growing. That's because unlike the past where the Mets organization has been universally behind Heilman as a reliever, we now have a groundswell of support for Heilman: Starter.

"I'm all for Aaron coming to Spring Training as a starter." -Dan Warthen

"For Aaron's benefit and for us as a team, we have to explore that option." -Jerry Manuel

Since Heilman has taken the "Start Me or Trade Me" stance, it's tempting to offer to not only pay Heilman's moving expenses out of town, but to help him pack.

It's very tempting.

I guess it all depends on your idea of changing the culture of the bullpen. If Aaron Heilman is a starter, does that count as reworking the pitching staff? Or does Heilman have to be completely gone for you to feel better about the direction of the team?

Think about the following:

What if Heilman were to finally get his Christmas wish and start? He would finally get his Red Ryder carbine-action, two hundred shot Range Model air rifle with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time. Wonderful. What if he gets completely shelled his first few starts? What if those first few starts were to come at home in front of a drunk, bitter, lathered up fan base? "You finally got your wish and yooooou bleeeeeeeeeeeew iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit! You blew it." Then what? He can't relieve and he can't start. Whatever trade value he has left (which isn't much unless Dan O'Dowd really wants to get rid of Huston Street) is gone. Heilman will have committed the baseball equivalent of shooting his eye out.

Now, what if Heilman were to be traded? Let's say it's for Street, and Heilman becomes a monster in Colorado? With Omar Minaya seemingly the lone dectractor of Aaron Heilman as a starter, would the success of Street be the determining factor as to whether Minaya keeps his job or not? Because with Warthen, Snoop, and Jeff Wilpon seemingly in Aaron's corner, a Heilman trade has the potential of putting Minaya on the (baseball cliche coming ... duck) hot seat.

While we're knee deep in rampant speculation, let's add this layer: What if Minaya makes a quick Heilman trade, and then finds out that Oliver Perez is going to the Dodgers and Derek Lowe is going back to Boston? Now what? Omar would then have holes in the back of the rotation, which may turn into the middle of the rotation if, say ... John Maine decides he wants to officially be "injury prone". These are scenarios the Mets have to think about and weigh against each other.

I'm going to make a prediction: I think Heilman's going to start ... for the Mets. Why? Well think about it: Who wants Heilman at this point? What can the Mets hope to get for him that will help the 2009 roster? And if those returning parts aren't going to help in '09, then those parts will most likely not be anything of major league value in the future either. Letting Heilman start would improve your bullpen in the fact that ... well, Heilman's not there anymore. And you have more room to sign Joe Beimel and Juan Cruz to help the pen if you haven't already lost your first round pick by signing Lowe.

Now you would still have to sign Lowe, or re-sign Perez if Lowe's contract demands make Oliver Perez the cheap option (don't look too hard for the irony of that statement). But if you get one of them, Heilman would be a fifth starter. What would you rather have: Heilman as your fifth starter, or Heilman lighting games on fire in the seventh inning? Or Heilman in the North Pole with Santa Claus wrapping up Red Ryder air rifles?

Nah, he'll shoot your eye out.

Good Ol' Rick Must Have Left A Little Zen Behind

I was watching the Marlins game after Damion Easley beat the Rockies with another late home run, and the announcers for FOX Florida were having a discussion about whether coaches belong in baseball's Hall of Fame. You have managers, GM's, announcers ... why not coaches? Well, I'm not ready to put Dan Warthen in the Hall yet. But if he did something with Aaron Heilman which enabled him to toe the rubber with steel testicles and get out of jams like he did last night, then Warthen deserves something much better than the Hall of Fame. I'll nominate the man for a Nobel Peace Prize. How many angry mobs has Warthen potentially avoided in one fell swoop.

By the way, doesn't the picture scream "Courtship of Eddie's Father"? You know, "People let me tell ya 'bout my best friend" Trust me. Play the video, and look at the picture. If it doesn't bring a tear to your eye, then you're just not human.

The Good Ollie Makes A Cameo

I had it all worked out today ... how I was going to come home tonight and proclaim the Mets dead in the water after the inevitable Oliver Perez meltdown against the Yankees today. Because certainly, against a team that knows how to take pitches and squeeze Johan Santana out of the ballpark on Saturday would certainly wait around for that special inning from Perez where he would throw balls towards College Point and Park Slope.

Only it never happened. Perez once again showed how maddening he can be by looking like Warren Spahn against the Yankees and Braves while looking like Jeff Musselman against powerhouses like the Pirates, Giants and Mariners. After starts like Sunday's where he goes seven innings and walks not one member of the team famous for taking pitchers into deep counts, I want to grab Ollie, kiss him on the forehead, and then shake his lapels and yell "what is the matter with you!!!"

Maybe Dan Warthen and his more streamlined approach to pitching has gotten to Ollie. Maybe Ollie has been looking at his pitch FX graphs and has learned something from all those red dots. Or maybe Ollie got himself a hypnotist. Who knows. But let's see him do this on Friday against Philly ... no, scratch that. I don't necessarily need to see the exact same thing against Philly. I'd settle for Ollie having an inning where he gets into trouble ... first and second, or maybe loads the bases ... hell he can give up a run, but then show some intestines and get the Mets out of trouble. But let's see him come up with a solid effort against the Phillies. Then five days later against the Giants. Then maybe a similar start in Cincinnati so my brother doesn't call me during the sixth inning from the Riverfront Club in a drunken stupor saying "can we trade Oliver Perez to Parker Brothers for Short Line Railroad and Vermont Avenue?"

But I'm still not sure I shouldn't lower my hopes for the season. The Mets are 6-6 since Snoop Manuel took over. That includes two losses to Seattle, and one loss to Sidney Ponson. That also includes one loss where Johan Santana was not only just good enough to lose, but stopped just short of playing the "nobody tries but me" card.

It also includes one little league tantrum by Jose Reyes.

Hey, I'm all for being frustrated while killing the team with errors on routine ground balls. But holy Steve Sax, Batman ... Tanner Boyle has a calmer disposition than you. Snoop threatens to cut you after throwing one tantrum, and you throw another one?

Over the past month or so, I keep going back to Kent Desormeaux at Belmont. Down the stretch, with Big Brown running third, Desormeaux knew he had no horse. Much like the trainer blamed the jockey, Omar and company blamed Willie Randolph. But the Mets are now riding with a new jockey with new ideas. And they still have no horse. Is it the horse's fault?

Well, Dutrow once injected Big Brown with Winstrol ... just Minaya injected the Mets with old guys.

And after 81 games ... the halfway point ... its becoming increasingly clear that these Mets have no horse. Yeah, the Snoop Sample Size might still be too small. But the size of the sample that says that this is a .500 team has over a year's worth of data ... and it gets more data with each passing week.