Metstradamus comes home from work after a long day of dealing with hoards of Yankee fans using mass transit to travel to and from their victory parade, and finds a surprise waiting for him.X: Hey, man.
MD: Who are you and what are you doing in my living room?
X: Come on, you don't recognize me?
MD: You look familiar ...
X: Yeah, you even bought
a t-shirt with my name on it.
MD: Dude, that only eliminates, like, half of major league baseball.
X: Dude!
MD: Wait a second ... are you Xavier Nady?
X: Yeah man, what's up?
MD: Nothing, but I reiterate: What are you doing in my living room?
X: I heard you had meatloaf in the fridge.
MD: Uh, okay.
X: It's damn good.
MD: Yes it is. But, how did you get in here?
X: With this
(holds up a giant key)MD: That's a large key.
X: It's not just any large key ... it's my key to the city.
MD: You got a key to the city? For what??!?
X: Dude, I'm a Yankee!
MD: Don't remind me.
X: Yeah, so we're world champs, so I got this key.
MD: And ... you used it to come into my apartment.
X: Yeah.
MD: You can do that?
X: Anywhere in the city I want, I can just use this and walk right in.
MD: I thought it was merely symbolic.
X: Crazy, huh?
MD: So at any moment I could see Jeter or A-Rod in my kitchen?
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X: In theory, yes. But the big players don't really use them much ... it's just the bench guys that use them to get a meal or some furniture. Not everyone can make $20 million a year. We're just trying to make a living.
MD: Furniture?
X: Yeah, I just came from Jay-Z's house. I took his couch.
MD: Dude, that's theft!
X: Hey I've got a key. The city is mine. Besides, he'll never know it's missing. He's too busy trying to convince LeBron James to play for the Nets next year.
MD: But there has to be some specific purpose that brought you here.
X: Huh?
MD: I mean, you could go anywhere you wanted, but you came here. I mean, what's it about? Is this some sort of penance that I have to go through? Is this my punishment for not watching the World Series ... I find Xavier Nady on my couch eating my meat loaf with a key to the city earned while playing for the New York Yankees? Are you a symbol, Xavier? A symbol of what my life is going to be like rooting for this team for the next twenty years? What?
What is it??!?X: Dude, do you have some ketchup for this meat loaf?
MD:
No I do not have any ketchup for your damn meat loaf!!!!X: Dude, chillax. I really just came for the meat loaf and to watch some T.V. I'm sorry if you were searching for a larger purpose for me being in your living room. It was really just hunger and television.
MD: You couldn't find a larger house with a bigger T.V.?
X: Well, I went into Frankie Rodriguez's house to watch his wall-sized flat screen. But that didn't work out so well.
MD: He didn't have meat loaf?
X: It wasn't that ... turns out he put a bullet through his television when Brian Bruney got his key to the city.
MD: Oh.
X: Yeah.
MD: Maybe you're here as a symbol that Oliver Perez will also one day get his key to the city.
X: He's got his already. Unfortunately, that city is Port St. Lucie.
MD: That sounds appropriate.
X: Hey, you got any salt for this?
MD: No Xavier. Even though you're a somewhat popular former Met, you're a Yankee who has won a championship so I'm going to have to throw you out of my home.
X: I understand.
MD: And by the way, that meat loaf is like two weeks old.
X: I knew it needed ketchup.
MD: You think Jeter will actually try to show up with his key? Because if he does I'll press charges.
X: Jeter already exchanged his for a new blazing copper Ford. And A-Rod gave his to Kate Hudson ... told her it was the key to his heart or something stupid like that.
MD: Oh lord, really?
X: Yeah. Can you believe that?
MD: What was the deal with
that hat, anyway?
X: Don't ask, dude.
MD: Feel free to come back when you're a Met again.
X: With my recent injury history, that'll be soon.
MD: I'll expect the medical records in the mail.
X: I'm off for my cortisone and salmonella shots.