Thursday, November 19, 2009

Cyrano de Wilpon

(Our story begins with Matt Holliday returning to his crib after beers with the fellas ...)

MH: Don't forget, McGwire's the designated driver tonight. See you later, party animals.

OM: Hello Mr. Holliday.

MH: Oh! You're here. Well, talk. I will listen.

OM: I love you.

MH: Talk to me of love.

OM: I love ... you.

MH: Elaborate, please.

OM: I love you ... very much.

MH: I don't doubt that. And what further?

OM: I would love ... if you would love us too.

MH: You are offering me platitudes when I was hoping for a large contract. Tell me a little of how you love me.

OM: Very very much.

MH: Disentangle your sentiments.

OM: I love you.

MH: Again!

OM: No, I do not love you ... I adore you. Love makes me into a fool.

MH: This displeases me that you are no longer the confident man that would swoop in and tell stories of how it would be above all else to play for your team. That instead you are old and beaten.

OM: But ...

MH: Rally me your routed eloquence.

OM: I ...

MH: Yes, you love me. Now go away.

OM: But ...

MH: Oh sorry, you adore me. I've heard it. Drive home safe.

(Jeff Wilpon appears)

JW: What the hell are you doing?

OM: I was only ...

JW: I told you that you are no longer to do this without me. Now go stand over there. (Throws pebbles at Holliday's window)

OM: What? I'll die!!!


MH: Who is it?

OM: It's Omar!

MH: Oh it's you. Go away.

OM: I wish to speak to you.

MH: Your conversation is too common.

OM: (With prompting from Jeff) How common does 6 years $108 million sound?

MH: That's better. But why is your speech so stunted and interrupted?

OM: (moving towards the doorway, out of Holliday's sight) Because the dark ... I'm afraid of the dark.

MH: What's there to be afraid of? Why are your words difficult?

JW: (talking lower and mimicking Minaya's diction) What does it matter if they reach their destination? Your words merely drop ... My words have to climb to reach you.

MH: So does your contract offer.

JW: My heart is large ... and my wallet is (gulp) larger. With the masses that will surely fill Citi Field and buy our delectable fish sandwiches from Catch of the Day because of you, no price is too high for you.

MH: Now this ... this is love.

JW: But tell me, do you grasp my love's measure? Does some little part of my soul make itself felt of you in darkness and make you tremble?

MH: Yes, I tremble. And with a couple more million you can carry me away to your Field of Fish.

JW: That would be Citi Field. And yes, I will carry you away until death or Dr. Andrews do us part.

MH: I'll play for you Omar.

OM: (jumps in excitedly) And thus we will have you, Doc!!!

MH: Doc?

JW: DOC??!?

SB: Hey, what's going on here??!?


SB: What are the two of you doing here?

MH: The two of ... Jeff Wilpon? It was your words that wooed me?

JW: Umm, uhh?

MH: And you, Omar ... you thought I was Doc Halladay, didn't you?

SB: Get the hell out of Matt's apartment complex!!!

MH: Yeah, I'm re-signing with St. Louis.

JW: Omar you idiot (slaps him upside the head). What are we going to do now???

OM: Umm ... go to Boston to woo Jason Bay?

JW: (sigh) I'll drive.


Luis said...

EXCELLENT!!!! Well done!

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

that was such a waste of time. i can't believe i read that whole thing. retarded.

Anonymous said...

Omg that was funny. Bravo

Andrew said...

Eh. You've done better.

BokGwai said...

It was good only for the Roxanne reference.

Reverend said...

The Met's could land Holliday and Lackey and they will still stink again. Even after adding those two, which is highly unlikely, they still wont be better then the Braves let alone the Phillies. They should trade who ever they can for some decent prospects (don't let Omar pick them) and rebuild. The Phillies only have 2 years left at most before their entire core becomes free agents, so the Met's should build for that time and take advantage of it now. This upcoming season is just going to be another disapointment.

gorgeguy said...

Curious story with some accurate underpinnings but it lacks ... uh .... true love? Really though, I'd rather not have Holliday as I still feel that the Mets choices with the big money power hitters tends to fail. I'm thinking all the way back to George Foster with stops at Kevin McReynolds & Bobby Boo.

Schneck said...

When did the comment section become a mini version of

Anonymous said...

get halliday and lackey and if we can't sign a power hitter, the wilpons can move the fences back another 30 feet and we can play David Wright, if u read this. i'm just kidding about moving the fences back..

Jason said...

This is a great sports blog you have here. I have two sports blogs myself. I'd like to exchange links with you to help spread some traffic around. We sports bloggers have to stick together.

Let me know if this is possible.


Schruender said...

Wow. I do think it's a little silly to try that hard for Holliday. He was totally exposed in Oakland.

Trash Man said...

I think dialog between Jeff Wilpon and Omar Minaya is goes like this:

JW: Contact Jay Horwitz and have press releases go out every few days saying we're looking at every prospect available, have him even throw in some possible trades.
OM: But you said we weren't spending any money.
JW: We aren't!
OM: But, why do that?
JW: It creates a media distraction. Oh, also tell Jay we're adding a new throwback uniforms, more things honoring the old Mets players at Citi and even hire some old '86 Mets as minor league managers. That should REALLY keep them distracted.
OM: How does that win more games? JW: It doesn't it just throws attention to other things. Oh, by the way, tell my dad we will do more to honor the Brooklyn Dodgers this year, he won't know we added the Mets stuff.