Xavier Nady Stole My Couch

Metstradamus comes home from work after a long day of dealing with hoards of Yankee fans using mass transit to travel to and from their victory parade, and finds a surprise waiting for him.

X: Hey, man.

MD: Who are you and what are you doing in my living room?

X: Come on, you don't recognize me?

MD: You look familiar ...

X: Yeah, you even bought a t-shirt with my name on it.

MD: Dude, that only eliminates, like, half of major league baseball.

X: Dude!

MD: Wait a second ... are you Xavier Nady?

X: Yeah man, what's up?

MD: Nothing, but I reiterate: What are you doing in my living room?

X: I heard you had meatloaf in the fridge.

MD: Uh, okay.

X: It's damn good.

MD: Yes it is. But, how did you get in here?

X: With this (holds up a giant key)

MD: That's a large key.

X: It's not just any large key ... it's my key to the city.

MD: You got a key to the city? For what??!?

X: Dude, I'm a Yankee!

MD: Don't remind me.

X: Yeah, so we're world champs, so I got this key.

MD: And ... you used it to come into my apartment.

X: Yeah.

MD: You can do that?

X: Anywhere in the city I want, I can just use this and walk right in.

MD: I thought it was merely symbolic.

X: Crazy, huh?

MD: So at any moment I could see Jeter or A-Rod in my kitchen?

X: In theory, yes. But the big players don't really use them much ... it's just the bench guys that use them to get a meal or some furniture. Not everyone can make $20 million a year. We're just trying to make a living.

MD: Furniture?

X: Yeah, I just came from Jay-Z's house. I took his couch.

MD: Dude, that's theft!

X: Hey I've got a key. The city is mine. Besides, he'll never know it's missing. He's too busy trying to convince LeBron James to play for the Nets next year.

MD: But there has to be some specific purpose that brought you here.

X: Huh?

MD: I mean, you could go anywhere you wanted, but you came here. I mean, what's it about? Is this some sort of penance that I have to go through? Is this my punishment for not watching the World Series ... I find Xavier Nady on my couch eating my meat loaf with a key to the city earned while playing for the New York Yankees? Are you a symbol, Xavier? A symbol of what my life is going to be like rooting for this team for the next twenty years? What? What is it??!?

X: Dude, do you have some ketchup for this meat loaf?

MD: No I do not have any ketchup for your damn meat loaf!!!!

X: Dude, chillax. I really just came for the meat loaf and to watch some T.V. I'm sorry if you were searching for a larger purpose for me being in your living room. It was really just hunger and television.

MD: You couldn't find a larger house with a bigger T.V.?

X: Well, I went into Frankie Rodriguez's house to watch his wall-sized flat screen. But that didn't work out so well.

MD: He didn't have meat loaf?

X: It wasn't that ... turns out he put a bullet through his television when Brian Bruney got his key to the city.

MD: Oh.

X: Yeah.

MD: Maybe you're here as a symbol that Oliver Perez will also one day get his key to the city.

X: He's got his already. Unfortunately, that city is Port St. Lucie.

MD: That sounds appropriate.


X: Hey, you got any salt for this?

MD: No Xavier. Even though you're a somewhat popular former Met, you're a Yankee who has won a championship so I'm going to have to throw you out of my home.

X: I understand.

MD: And by the way, that meat loaf is like two weeks old.

X: I knew it needed ketchup.

MD: You think Jeter will actually try to show up with his key? Because if he does I'll press charges.

X: Jeter already exchanged his for a new blazing copper Ford. And A-Rod gave his to Kate Hudson ... told her it was the key to his heart or something stupid like that.

MD: Oh lord, really?

X: Yeah. Can you believe that?

MD: What was the deal with that hat, anyway?

X: Don't ask, dude.

MD: Feel free to come back when you're a Met again.

X: With my recent injury history, that'll be soon.

MD: I'll expect the medical records in the mail.

X: I'm off for my cortisone and salmonella shots.

Alternate Reality

I don't know when it happened, or why it happened, but I think we went through the keyhole into a parallel universe. Think about it for a couple of seconds:

• Mike Pelfrey has won seven straight?
• Xavier Nady is a Yankee?
• Jimmy Rollins is getting benched for not hustling and showing up late?
• Oliver Perez is hardly walking anybody?
• Aaron Heilman is getting huge outs while Filthy Sanchez isn't getting anybody out?

I mean, what's next, the last game at Shea Stadium is televised around the world while ESPN drops the Yankee Stadium finale?

Where the hell is this hole in the universe, and how can we switch John Maine with his better version?

Cecil Wiggins: The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Xavier Nady is a Yankee.

The right handed bat that the Mets needed, once had, and probably wasn't going to get back anyway, went to ... of all places ... the Yankees.

All because Cecil Wiggins is a drunk.

(Another day, another shirt I have to burn.)

If Oliver Perez, the last remnant of that drinking induced trade, signs with the Yankees in the off season, I'm hunting Wiggins down.

(So I can teach him how to throw a curve ball and hit lefthanders ... because you know, he'll owe the Mets some innings and some at-bats.)

Appreciation

"I can't believe we're happy to see Billy Wagner in the ninth" -overheard at Shea Stadium Wednesday night.

It really was a funny scene at Shea on Wednesday. Now Billy usually hears the cheers when he enters with the help of Sandman. But they're usually of the "we love you but don't screw this up" kind of cheers. After Tuesday night's debacle, the cheers sounded eerily like "thank you Billy ... don't you ever leave us again". Kinda like when the one guy in sales that knows what he's doing goes on vacation for a week and all the accounts are shot to hell and then the competent one comes back and everybody in the office tells him "you're not allowed to go on vacation, ever."

That's how Mets fans greeted Billy Wagner. Please, please, please don't ever leave us in the hands of Filthy Sanchez again. Really, we love you. We can't live without you.

It almost never came to that as the Mets had trouble putting Brett Myers away (we hate you too, Brett) ... where one well-placed hit could have sent Myers back to the minors, the Mets continued to leave a ton of runners on the bases against the man who threw as many balls as strikes tonight. Heck, the Mets scored their first two runs on the "strength" of no hits.

But the good part is that for once in their feeble little lives, the Mets actually scored runs against the Phillies bullpen. Joy! And it was Jose Reyes that did the deed with a three run dinger against Ryan Madson in the sixth, giving the Mets their three run lead that they would ... this time ... hold on to thanks to Country Time. Now the only thing to wait for is certain radio personalities to complain that Reyes had his finger up almost all the way to second base on the home run.

***

Hey, the price for Xavier Nady has apparently come down. After two straight nights of Marlon Anderson turning fly balls into circus acts in left field and being late on fastballs, I say "huzzah!" (Whatever the heck "huzzah" means.)

***

If you're the religious type, say a prayer for Petey this morning.

Trade Derby

You want to make the home run derby even more interesting?

Invite the slugging outfielders who are rumored to be going to the Mets in a trade. You can still do four from each league:

National League:

• Adam Dunn
• Matt Holliday
• Jason Bay
• Xavier Nady

American League:

• Raul Ibanez
• Casey Blake
• Juan Rivera
• Jose Guillen

Trade value determined by performance in the derby.

Worldwide Teaser In Sports

Please allow me a short rant at game time:

I sat through 30 minutes of incessant Brett Favre coverage because ESPN teased the following at 5:57:

"Tim Kurkjian will be along to tell us how the Mets are to landing a superstar slugger ... "

All right, I'm hooked. Because if the Mets weren't close to anything, why would they tease it? Then at 6:00:

"Tim Kurkjian on how close are the Mets are to landing Matt Holliday!"

Now I didn't think the Mets had enough to get Holliday, but the World Wide leader in sports is actually pimpin' this, so: OMG! OMG! OMG! So I'm busy trolling the internet, googling Matt Holliday, looking up his home/road splits (Holliday's road numbers would be near the top of the Mets roster.)

So I sit through a half hour of Brett Favre this and Brett Favre that, because I want to hear about the Mets getting Matt Holliday, and where they are with that. 6:31, we get this:

"The Mets are not gonna get Matt Holliday. They just don't have what it takes in the minor league system to get him ... they are gonna look at a lower type player such as Xavier Nady of the Pirates but ... the Pirates are asking an awful lot for Xavier Nady so that doesn't seem logical, the more logical point is maybe Casey Blake ... "

In the words of Jeff Spicoli: "You dick!"

And I don't direct that at Kurkjian. I like Kurkjian. I direct that squarely at SportsCenter. Look, I know all about the concept of "teases" in television ... throwing a little nugget out there only to put it on near the end of the show to keep you watching. Fine. But usually, a newscast will tease a story, and then give you ... the story! SportsCenter teased: Matt Holliday. I did not get Matt Holliday. I did not get any hope of Matt Holliday. I got Casey Blake. I sat through a Brett Favre flogging for thirty minutes so that I could be told the answer to the question: How close are the Mets to getting Matt Holliday?" is a resounding: "Keep dreaming."

And before you ask the following: "C'mon, you didn't really think that the Mets had enough in the farm system to get Matt Holliday, did you?" No, of course I didn't think so ... until the worldwide leader in f***ing sports teased that it was a possibility! What would you have done?

Thirty minutes of my life ... GONE! For Casey Blake. Thanks a lot, SportsCenter. Oh, and by the way, would you mind not putting a big "Breaking News" panel on the screen at 6:58 only to repeat the news about Brett Favre that you gave us at 6:00? That's not "Breaking News". That's "Broken News"!

Thank you for indulging me. Be sure to read my next blog when I reveal just how close the earth is to getting hit by an asteroid!

Don't Stare Directly At Moises' Hamstring

The post was supposed to be all sunshine tonight. Johan Santana continued the newfound dominance of the starting staff. Fluff Castro gave Johan some runs, and finally got to raise that finger after hitting a home run (how long before the Florida Marlins complain about his hotdogging?) Even Aaron Heilman remained (gasp!) good, as the Mets win streak reached five and all is well in Flushing.

But the sunshine is blocked by yet another Moises Alou injury. This time, while rehabbing his calf in Binghamton, his hamstring cramped up.

When asked about the Alou injury, Billy Wagner reportedly said "f***ing shocker."

There's something incongruous about Brett Favre still making up his mind about whether to play or not and keeping an entire city on edge, while Alou ... who has done almost everything in this game ... would still ride buses at age 41 just to get back to the show to try to win a World Series. But he can't because the muscles in his legs are made out of Charleston Chews.

Meanwhile the Mets are faced with trying to win the division with Fernando Tatis and Endy Chavez as the regular corner outfielders.

Bring Xavier home.

Cyberchased

It really doesn't matter if the names are McLouth, Nady, and Doumit ... or if the names are Crosby, Malkin, and Hossa, the sad truth is this: the city of Pittsburgh kinda owns us right now.

Doesn't matter if it's Marc Andre Fleury holding off the kitchen sink, or if it's Tom Gorzellany blanking the Mets through his five innings of work. Because here's how you know it's not your day: When Gorzellany has some serious back spasms after 4 and 2/3's and he decides to gut it out and throw some cookies to David Wright to get that final out ... and Wright still can't buy a hit? The lords of baseball are against you. Go home and get some sleep.

The scary part was that Gorzellany, with back spasms, hit the plate today with better accuracy than Oliver Perez, who issued as many walks as he retired batters (that would be five) during the 13-1 drubbing. Perez got no help in that seven run second, as Luis Castillo's mitt doing an impression of a skillet on a double play ball made five of those runs unearned. But on the bright side, it was Cyberchase Day, so the stadium was full of kids who haven't been taught the concept of "boo" yet.

(Speaking of boo, whether you believe that booing is cathartic and necessary to get a message across, or whether you believe that only positive reinforcement will help a player get out of a slump, I don't think anyone will disagree that when nobody covers second base on a rundown ... as happened in that second inning, that's fair game. Boo!)

Having squandered a small chance to build on taking two out of three from Atlanta by splitting the rain-shortened series with Pittsburgh, the Mets now go to Arizona ... a place they've dominated in the past. Hey, they've even beaten Brandon Webb a couple of times. But mostly, they've beaten the likes of Russ Ortiz and Miguel Batista. This weekend, it's Micah Owings, Webb, and Dan Haren. Add those three to the memory of Eric Byrnes' mustache, and you've got trouble on so many levels.

World Still Spins On Its Axis As John Kruk Picks Mets To Finish Third

I guess the season can start now that John Kruk has become this season's Steve Phillips and has picked the Mets to finish third in the N.L. East during Friday's win against the Indians.

Will somebody tell baseball's Travelocity Gnome that the Braves have two starters over 40, and one starter who just had his 213th injury in the last two years?

And will someone tell him that Mike Pelfrey's astrological chart is foretelling a big season from him? Sheesh.

And ... AND! Somebody tell Krukkie that the Mets are feverishly trying to re-acquire Xavier Nady, or go get Marcus Thames at the low low price of Jorge Sosa and some Planters Sweet N' Crunchy Peanuts? Because forget Santana ... If the Mets get X-Man back, it's over. Do you hear me Kruk? Kruk! KRUUUUUUUUUK!!!

KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!

Oh never mind. I'm sick of arguing. Have another beer.

Hulking Up

Did anybody catch the top of the first? I'm not talking of the key double play where Tom Glavine got former Met Xavier Nady to ground into and keep the first inning from being a Brandon Phillips type disaster. No, I'm talking about immediately after the double play, when Glavine let out a whoop, and seemed to flex his arms like Hulk Hogan after he pins a poor hapless Barry Horowitz* en route to another victory in Saturday Night's Main Event.

(*I would have used Andre the Giant for this reference, but this the poor Pirates have become the Barry Horowitz of major league baseball.)

But Glavine had to feel good after not being able to get out of the third inning in his last start with a 6-0 lead against Los Angeles. So by all rights and purposes, this really should have been win number 300. Instead, it's merely 299 as the Mets defeated Pittsburgh 6-3 thanks to Glavine and Paul Lo Duca's four RBI's. Glavine's first shot at 300 will come on Tuesday against Milwaukee at Miller Park. And a concerned reader of mind brought up an interesting point which you should keep in the back of your collective heads:

"Glavine goes for win #300 on Tuesday v. the Brewers ... does Barry break the record on the same night and steal our boy's thunder?"

It could happen. Barry Bonds, who's now holding steady at 753 home runs, could steal Tommy Two Teeth's thunder on Tuesday. And wouldn't that be a kick in our heads.

***

Speaking of kicking people in their heads, you know that the voting for the Hall of Hate inductions recently ended, and I'm proud to announce the results:

This Sunday.

That's right, we're making this a big deal. If you've been paying attention you probably already know who won. But for those who are not sure...and even for those who are sure but just appreciate pageantry and pomp, I have decided that I'm going to make the announcement of this year's Hall of Hate inductees live on Mike Silva's Free the Fan radio show this Sunday from 9-11 PM. Because if you can put the major league baseball draft on television, then we can certainly have a Hall of Hate announcement on the radio. So we're going to create a little suspense like the ESPY's. Hey, if the major league baseball draft can be televised, then certainly there's room on America's airwaves for this.

So join me on Mike's show on Sunday night which you can find live here (click on the "listen live" button), or later on in the evening here . In addition to the announcement, I will be guest judging the talent portion of a "Battle of the Blogs" between the fine folks of Do Me Wright, and the Yankees Chick. This is apparently a grudge match, and I'm kind of hoping it ends up in a tie...rumor has it that the tie-breaker is a round of paintball in the Poconos.

Can't wait until then? Go out and buy the 1986 World Series DVD set and keep yourselves busy.