The Top 50 Reasons To Hate The New York Yankees (In No Particular Order)

My Christmas Eve present to you...the loyal fan base. Consider this "The Hate List: Special 12 inch Extended Remix".

1. Every damn commercial for a giveaway night has to begin with Michael Kay talking over pompous trumpets proclaiming "The New York Yankees, the world's most reknown franchise, have won more world championships than anyone in the history of professional sports". A little much for towel night, no?
2. The cemetary in the outfield.
3. David Wells
4. The Yankee Stadium security, who attempted to eject a fan out of a game for taking pictures of Jorge Posada's wife, and not letting him retrieve his blind friend!
5. July 3rd 2004, the FOX pregame show spends five minutes showing us video highlights of the Yankee/Red Sox "Jeter into the stands" game, while failing to even mention that the Mets had beaten them one night later. Then the segment is topped off with a July 4th music vignette that ends with Derek Jeter's face over fireworks. It is the genesis of my hate for Jeanne Zelasko.
6. When Mike Sweeney hits a two run double against the most reknown franchise in the world, and Michael Kay of course checks the replays to see if his foot was outside the back line. (The Royals scoring runs against the most reknown franchise in the world? Why, he must have cheated!)
7. Jim Kaat making excuses as to why Jaret Wright throws a wild pitch. Here's an idea: HE'S GARBAGE!

8. The "got rings" t-shirt
9. Aaron Boone
10. "Yankees win...DUUUUUUUUUUUUUH Yankees win!"
11. Their chicken finger vendors are the slowest in the league. Even Yankee fans admit this.
12. Wife swapping (check number 6).
13. Jeff Nelson for Armando Benitez.
14. This belief groundswelled by Yankee propaganda artists that Don Mattingly belongs in the hall of fame.
15. Reggie Jackson.
16. They have the only announcers in the league that make sure to note the "great tag by Jeter" on a routine caught stealing.
17. The two Yankees announcers from "Brewster's Millions" ("That's Yankee Pride! That's Yankee Power!") Is it healthy to hate fictional Yankees employees? Speaking of which...
18. Duke Temple and Clue Haywood.
19. The entire 2000 season (3-14 to end the season, then magically turn it on to beat the Mets in the first ever subway series.)
20. The fact that Dwight Gooden and David Cone pitched no hitters for them!
21. It takes scoring 32 runs in two days or Grant Roberts smoking a bong to steal the back page from them.
22. Roger Clemens
23. Adidas.
24. The fact that the latest Yankee dynasty was created because George Steinbrenner got himself kicked out of baseball.
25. Darth Marc.
26. That kid that spent hours at Camden Yards chanting "Posada Posada Posada Posada..." Still haunts me.
27. Jack Nicholson, that front running bastard!
28. Showing a Tino Martinez grand slam from the 1998 World Series before an at bat against the Royals in 2005 with the bases loaded.
29. The curse of the Bambino.
30. The "Bam-Tino"
31. The "Giambi-no"
32. "An AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-bomb...for AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-Rod"
33. Jeter and his ingenue du jour on the cover of the New York Post canoodling.
34. Speaking of Jeter, he wins a gold glove because, quoting Tim Kurkjian: "Nobody makes the routine play better than Derek Jeter." That's why he wins a gold glove?

35. Bat Boys who write books.
36. Shane Spencer
37. Lee Mazzilli (I went back and forth on this one...after all, he was a valuable member of the 1986 team. But the fact that the Yankees brought him back to shine Derek Jeter's shoes after failing miserably as a manager means that he's too far on the other side of the fence.)
38. Mike Francesa
39. The intolerable "Let's Go Yankees" chant...born in 1996, treated like the quintessential chant of sports rooting...yet merely a derivative of the "Let's Go Rangers" chant that's been around much longer, yet it took Yankee fans 50 years to figure out how to clap and chant at the same time.
40. The fact that all 95% of their fans are tourists.
41. No seriously! I'm in an airport terminal eavesdropping on a family from Mississippi, with the matriarchal figure bragging about her Yankee shirt that she bought in the airport gift shop proclaiming "I loooove the Yankees!" YOU DO NOT! YOU LOVE SOUVENIERS!!!!!!
42. Dave Winfield killing a seagull.
43. Deion Sanders
44. Luis Polonia, who should have known something was wrong when the woman he took back to his hotel room took out her birth control pill and it was in the shape of Fred Flinstone.
45. Johnny Damon (who's arrival in the Bronx means that Alex Rodriguez's time as Derek Jeter's personal secretary is over.)
46. Speaking of Johnny Damon, why is it that during all Yankee news conferences, everyone from the owner to the president of the team to the general manager to the manager to the clubhouse manager to the chicken finger vendor has to introduce all of their new acquisitions?
47. Jerome from Manhattan
48. The 1989 Mayor's Trophy Game (See, I was there with my cousin who is a Yankee fan...and all I remember from that game was that the Yankees won...I had to look up that the final was 4-0...and Ken Phelps. Later that night I went to see the the Rangers lose to the Islanders. Horrible sports day...horrible!)
49. Gary Sheffield...everything about him.
50. The fact that Bobby Bonilla never played for them (although if he had, he would have probably lost 50 pounds, provided that veteran leadership currently supplied by Ruben Sierra, and would still be active. Lousy Bobby Bonilla).