Thursday, December 08, 2005

Social Security Squad

In Omar Minaya's never ending quest to set a Guinness record for oldest bench ever, the Mets are close to signing 47-year-old Julio Franco.

This just hours after he inked Jose "Latin Kingman" Valentin to a contract.

And the Mets are also looking at 37-year-old Bernie Williams to be a backup.

In a related story, the Mets have announced that their entire home schedule will become matinee to accomodate bedtime for the entire Met bench.

They've also announced that replacing the speed gun, the pre-game tent will feature daily bingo, shuffleboard, and a mobile Denny's that will provide early bird specials for the increasingly older fan base. Concession stands will now sell prune juice at $15.00 a pop.


Joe said...

A few months ago, I wrote in a comment on this blog how I hated Julio Franco and I wanted for him to have a heart attack while up to bat . . .

I feel conflicted. While I feel I should cheer for everyone in a Mets uni, I still hate him so much.

I hate him so much.

elliot said...

Why hate Julio Franco? He's a consummate professional - an icon. He's a former teammate of Willie Mays. (I'm just kidding about that - but I made you look, didn't I?) Franco never did anything despicable (other than don an Atlanta Racist uniform). Even though they were part of the Hated Enemy, Atlanta had a number of folks on their team for whom I had and have grudging respect. There's Franco, and ... well, I guess that's about it. But still...

Fredstradamus said...


Why does your hatelist
Now resemble poetry
I despise Haikus


Joe said...

Just being on the braves when he should have been retired and helping kill the mets time after time . . . the only grudges i'm able to hold are the ones against the Braves.

Granted, there are worse people in the world, but they didn't play for the Braves.

elliot said...

Joe - you raise a valid point about Franco's "Brave" affinity. There are, however, degrees of disgusting. I don't identify Franco very closely with the Atlanta Racists. In his 46 year career, he played on 8 teams prior to the Mets. He played more games for two of those teams than he did for the Racists. So, although he will come to the Mets with a stench, I will allow that the stench will wear off relatively quickly.

Metstradamus said...

There was an old man from Nantucket

and Omar signed him.

jdon said...

Why not? They tried to sign the Japanese Kingman a fe wyears back (Nakamura). Maybe they can go for Choi(Korean Kingman) as well. Hey, what the heck, how old can the American Kingman be? He should fall right into line on our bench.

Kyle in Newport News said...

This is just to say:
I have signed all of the free agents
Who were thinking of retiring
And which you were probably hoping
Would go ahead and retire already.
I am sorry, they were so available--
So eager and so cheap.

* * *

One old dude remains.
Arbitration not offered.
Rocket in Flushing?

Kyle in Newport News said...

Q: Why does Omar only sign affable old guys, and not crotchety ones?
A: He never Met an old guy he didn't like. Ha! Met! Like the team. Oh ho ho...

Kyle in Newport News said...

Little known fact: Omar Minaya's father's name is Ramo.

Put them together, Ramo Omar, and you've got a palindromar!

Okay that's all for now.

Kyle in Newport News said...

Wait, almost forgot one thing:

Yankees suck!

Oh ho ho ho.

burke said...

jesus christ, why does everyone have their panties in a bunch. these guys are bench players. i'd rather have veterans on the bench who bring a good attitude and help out the young guys than johnny AAA.

Joe said...

I guess I got used to Tom Glavine, but it took a few years. Probably by the time I get used to Julio, he'll be dead.