Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Metsography: The Lost Blogs of 2004 Part Two

And now, without further ado, we take a break from the endless speculation about where Kaz Matsui will be spending the summer of 2006, and how to spell G-R-U-D-Z-I-E-L-A-N-E-K, to bring you the exciting conclusion of "The Lost Blogs".

August 20th entitled: "Meaningful Games"

"In an effort to make all September Shea Stadium home games meaningful (as Jim Duquette promised), the New York Mets have announced the following promotions:

Fans who attend the September 1st game vs. the Marlins will receive an autographed photo of Armando Benitez giving you the middle finger.

All remaining home games will be preceded by a heartwarming message from Bobby Valentine, which will contain mostly uncontrollable laughter.

September 12th is anti-inflammatory drug night. All fans attending the game vs. the Phillies will receive free anti-inflammatory drugs, along with an autographed copy of Victor Zambrano's elbow x-ray.

Jose Reyes will provide free stretching clinics before all home games.

September 15th is Fred Wilpon dunk tank night. The line forms outside Gate A and Gate B.

September 16th is Breathalizer Night. Not only can fans take free breathalizer tests at Gate E, but all fans attending the game that night against Atlanta will receive a piece of asphalt from the very stretch of I-95 where Shane Spencer was pulled over and arrested for DUI.

If the body part pulled, strained, or broken by a Mets player during any game matches what is written in your game program, you can redeem it for a free non-alcoholic beer.

All fans who attend the September 24th game vs. Chicago will receive an authentic home run ball given up by Mike Stanton. Those who arrive late and do not receive a ball will be escorted to the picnic area in left field where more will become available.

Come early to the September 25th game where the Mets will present "Stupid Trade night". Guests on hand for special pre-game ceremonies will include Jim Fregosi, Amos Otis, Juan Samuel, Gene Walter, Ryan Thompson, Mo Vaughn, and Robby Alomar. Al Harazin will emcee the event.

September 26th is Scott Kazmir bobblehead day.

All remaining home games will feature contests and raffles for valuable prizes, such as an autographed Leroy Neimann canvas featuring John Olerud in a Yankee uniform, autographed swatches of authentic Darryl Strawberry prison jumpsuits, and autographed DVD copies of Tsuyoshi Shinjo's career highlights.

One lucky grand prize winner will manage the October first game against Montreal.

Two runners up will play shortstop and second base during the same game.

Ten third place winners will be traded to the Kansas City Royals along with David Wright for Matt Stairs and a useless 37 year old minor league relief pitcher to be named later.

And finally...If Casey Stengel spins in his grave during any September or October home game, the chicken tenders will be free after the seventh inning."
September 6th, Playing off Kevin Brown's stupidity in an e-mail entitled "In an alternate universe":
NEW YORK (AP) Noted Mets fan and false prophet Metstradamus broke his non-pitching hand when he punched a wall in his apartment Saturday night during New York's 7-0 loss to the Philadelphia Phillies and may miss the rest of the 2004 season.
"You just can't do this, there's no doubt about it. You've got to keep your emotions in check," Mets third baseman David Wright said. "It's a major issue that we shouldn't be dealing with."

Especially at this point in the year. The loss expanded New York's NL East deficit to 102½ games behind the Braves, its largest margin since 1962.

Now they will be without one of their best fans down the stretch. Frustrated by an injury-filled millenium, Metstradamus' hot temper could cost the Mets at the most important time.

"Stupid Art Howe" he said, choosing his words carefully.

"I reacted to frustration I'd swallowed all year...There are no excuses. I let it boil over and I did something stupid. I owe my wife and friends an apology for letting my emotions take over like that."

Already short on fans, the Mets were unsure how long the 33-year-old right-hander might be out. He was to be examined by a hand specialist Monday."

My plan is to splint it and root root root for the home team. I just pray that my stupidity didn't hurt the team," he said.

The oft-injured Metstradamus missed seven weeks in June and July of 2002 with a strained lower back and tweaked his knee tripping over a Mo Vaughn bobblehead doll while getting out of bed awkwardly in April of 2003. He then caught strep throat yelling at Mike Stanton this past May.

Steamed by all the Mets losses in 2004, he walked around the living room in the middle of the sixth on Saturday and punched a wall, breaking two bones in his left hand.

That was the end of his night."We're hopeful we can get him back in a few weeks," Mets fan and brother Fredstradamus said. "A lot of it will depend on the healing and the comfort. We don't worry about the comfort too much. I think Metstradamus was hoping he could just tape it up and go. That's not what's going to happen."

"For certain, I'm happy it's the left and not the right. The thing that bothers me is that he thought enough to throw the left and not the right. I wish he would have thought a little more on that subject," Fredstradamus said. "He still has to write e-mails, complain about the Victor Zambrano trade, doctor pictures of Kris Benson's wife and do all those things."

Metstradamus should be able to keep his voice in shape while he recovers.

"He'll be able to heckle. Somebody can hand him the boxscore and handle the remote control. He'll be doing all the yelling," Fredstradamus said.
October 21st in an e-mail entitled "The Death Star Has Exploded":

DISCLAIMER: IF YOU ARE A SENSITIVE YANKEE FAN, YOU MAY WANT TO REFRAIN FROM READING THIS UNTIL YOU ARE READY, OR PERHAPS DELETE IT ALL TOGETHER. YOU HAVE BEEN FOREWARNED...

Do you remember the episode of Seinfeld where Poppy peed on the couch?

Well right now, Big Papi is peeing on the monuments.

Some messages:

To Jack Nicholson: Screw you, you front running pr**k! Go back to L.A. and enjoy your courtside seats and your wimpy chick flick scripts! I hear Manchester United needs more fans!

To HBO: Get to work on that new documentary based on the 2004 ALCS: "Nine Innings from BALCO".

To Derek Jeter: Stay in the dugout, take your medicine, and watch the Red Sox celebrate you overrated pretty boy! FOX Sports, who has a camera on you 24 hours a day to capture your reaction to base hits, pitching changes and Ruben Sierra picking a scab off the back of his head, couldn't find you to capture the precious moment of how you felt to being part of the biggest choke artists in baseball history. I had to settle for A-Rod.

To the 5 year old Yankee fan at Camden Yards who chanted "Posada Posada Posada Posada Posada Posada" for 3 hours straight in April of 2001 while my wife and I are trying to watch a baseball game: I hope you cry yourself to sleep all winter you stupid little brat! Posada stinks, there is no Santa Claus, and your parents' divorce was your fault!

To Jeanne Zelasko: Let's see your black mourning dress before tomorrow nights game 7 since the baseball player you LOVE is out of the playoffs. I guess you'll be stepping up the number of times you call Jeter's house and hang up, you stalker freak!

To Pedro Martinez: Don't you celebrate too hard, you almost freakin' blew it you diva! Get a haircut. (Editor's note: Please forgive me Pedro...it was the alcohol talking. Thanks for joining us.)

To Billy Crystal: The sequel to "61*"? "$182.8M*". (Guess Barry Pepper won't be playing Tanyon Sturtze, eh?)

To A-Rod: Cheaters never win. Didn't your mom ever tell you that?

To God: You can untie Babe Ruth and take the gag out of his mouth now. Thanks!

To Jim Leyritz: If you're rooting for the Yankees, why the hell are you wearing a jacket with a Red Sox logo on it? Dope!

To Kevin Brown: You are now free to punch with your pitching hand.

To Fred Wilpon: Don't think this makes me forget about you. The cursed Red Sox pulled this off, why couldn't we? I'm not through with you by a longshot!

To all the 12 year olds who are Yankee fans because Derek Jeter is dreamy: I see teen pregnancies in your future you dirty trollops! And good luck telling your children the story about why they only have one parent when they look up into your eyes and ask: "Who's my daddy?"

To Yogi: It's over.
Halloween, entitled "Curse of Kazmir Strikes Again":

I was hoping to enjoy the Red Sox victory over the Yankees and subsequent curse-killing World Title at least until pitchers and catchers in February before reality taps me on the shoulder and remind me that I'm still a Mets fan.

I didn't even get 24 hours.

Apparently Mets captain John Franco is being investigated over allegations that he left Mets tickets for Bonano crime family members.

Great...Captain Crime himself, Johnny "Sack" Franco.

Was this his idea of reaching out to the community to try to fill the stands?

As always with the Mets, the marketing possibilities are endless: "Mets 2005: whack a ball, whack a rat!"

The song that the Mets hit the field to can go something like this: "Woke up this morning...got yourself a first baseman..."

Those on jury duty get half price tickets!

Forget Willie Randolph, the Mets new manager should be Sammy "The Bull" Gravano.

I can see it now: Omar Minaya "sends a player to the minors" and three weeks later that player's car is found in a Newark bus station parking lot. Greeeeaaaaat!

Makes you wonder if they're really "planting tomatoes" in the bullpen.

And if they're burying bodies in the pen, does that make head groundskeeper Pete Flynn "the mole"? And is there room to bury Armando Benitez's career?

Next the Mets will build a minor league complex in the pine barrens.

Mets fans, it is now safe to resume hating your life.
And let these lost blogs be a lesson to you all. Sure, times may be good now as the Mets head towards a prosperous 2006, but before you know where you're going, it's important to remember where you've been.

8 comments:

jabair said...

hilarious!!!

thanx for the laughs

Anonymous said...

Metsradamus...

You are freakin' nuts.....

Mario

The Metmaster said...

The "Death Star Explodes" is classic. I laughed till I cried.
"There is no Santa Claus and the divorce is your fault". Brilliant!

Fredstradamus said...

Another Greatest Hits package ... just in time for the holidays!

Thank you, my brother!

Darth Marc said...

I'm going to enjoy watching you die.....infidel

Tommy_Calzone said...

Dude, you owe me a new keyboard. For spittin coffee all over it laughin so hard. I am NOT kiddin......

Mets Beast said...

thanks for puttin one of my comments in the critic section lol... sorry if i havent posted in a while... i always read your posts though lol... this was one of the funniest posts ive ever read, and i picked a meatball hero for kaz... =]

jabair said...

oh by the way, thanx for correcting my spelling before quoting me